Aspergers Threads

[Pegasus928]

Hi

I am new to this section of the Dis and have spent the last few days reading through some of the threads. I have seen numerous comments regarding Aspergers sections and would wonder if someone could point me in the right direction please.

We have a son - 13 - who is diagnosed Aspergers, so can appreciate the discussions that go on here every day. The whole family has been 'challenged' from day one with this situation - not only with the surprises that our DS throws up from time to time but also with the ignorance of schools, other children and family members alike.
One issue we are having at the moment is trying to help our son understand the social boundries that exist in his school, especially around innappropriare comments to the girls, but it doesnt seem to be registering at the moment. Has anyone else had this problem and can suggest some strategies for making him aware of how serious this could become.

Add this to the almost constant bullying that he is being subjected to and his school days are not exactly the happiest at the moment.

We know that we have battles ahead - particularly with the school as with so many people on here - and from what I have read so far this site is a fantastic source of information that I will be mercilessly tapping into.

Hope you don't mind.

 

[KirstenB]

Hi Kenny, welcome!! I don't have any advice for you; our younger dd has ASD, but she's only 3. Anyway, just wanted to say welcome, and I bet you'll get some good advice. Several DIS'rs have sons the same age as yours, or just a bit younger.

 

[DisDreaminMom]

Are you really in Qatar? Anyway, I am mom of DS (6) with Aspergers (I did the strangest call from school thread). I feel for you trying to deal with a 13 year old. I think that's going to be me in a few years. My son already would rather be a girl right now (has always been in touch with his feminine side, but also flirts shamelessly, so I don't think he's "going to play for the other team"). Anyway, I'd love to hear more about what you're going through and help brainstorm, because that's what has helped our family the most. Just when I think something is a crisis, someone will make a suggestion that fixes the problem and we go on to the next issue.

I remember the psychologist that did DS's diagnosis told me that she could not tell me what would be a problem because these kids can be so rigid in some ways but totally more adaptable than others, too. I know that DS loves the Eiffel Tower and globes and maps and fans and that has not changed for years, but he also has figured out some amazing coping techniques that I could not have ever imagined.

Tell me how you deal with the bullying, as DS has a stuttering problem that comes and goes, and I know the black kids and the boys can get pretty mean about it (I don't get the race thing- but I've seen it at several different schools, so I know it's not me). He also stims and flaps sometimes when h's very excited and has trouble in non-organized activities (like the playground)

DS seems to have girls pretty wrapped around his finger. It helps that he's cute and going to be super tall- I figure that with a dad that's 6'5", when the kids start really getting mean, I'll let my son have a couple of "get out of jail free" passes if he gets mad enough. He has memorized the entire staff (names, grades taught, etc) and they all love him, so I hope that helps him, too to have the staff keep a closer eye on him. But what happens when puberty hits? Good lord. If he can't stop touching or grabbing now, what about when he's actually attracted to girls?

I have considered putting DS in some kind of martial art, as well. I don't think he'd do well in a class environment, but maybe with one on one instruction. I wonder if the knowledge that he can fight bullies if need be would help him feel like he didn't need to. I've seen this work with regular kids who are just wimpy or shy.

Good luck and keep us posted. I know since I started venting here, I've been a lot more relaxed about DS and my struggles.

 

[bookwormde]

There is no small group of threads that covers everything, so while it a little time consuming the best thing to do is just keep working you way into older threads, also be aware that there is a box at the left bottom which govern how old a threads will be displayed so you may want to reset that for a broader timeframe. If you find a thread that you have questions or concerns about just ask on that thread and it will pop to the top and most of the people who were part of that thread, still probably monitor and post in this section. If it ends up being something that you are not comfortable talking about on an open thread most posters here are happy to answer and private message

Welcome

bookwormde

 

[koolaidmoms]

We are considering putting DS (5) in a pragmatic speech group at a local center. They get together with children around their age younger kids with younger, teens with teens and learn and practice socially appropriate skills. I am hoping those days of "Hello, Mrs. So-and-So my that's a very ugly shirt you are wearing," will someday be put behind him.

Sorry I don't know anything specifically to help you but this is what we are going to try. Good luck and welcome!

 

[mechurchlady]

First is to have a thorough diagnosis of everything that your son has. Too often people are stamped with labels like cancer, diabetes, and autism but do not get the help they really need. Aspergers like many brain quirks is not a set disorder where you have a set of things that will happen and the remedies. The people on this board might be able to help you if they know a bit about your son like his quirks. There are nice people like Bookworm who can talk in private as he said.

You say you are in Qatar and my friend was there for a while and thankfully left there. In America there are laws that would give you more power than if you are in a place like Qatar. You need to know your rights as a parent and your son's rights. You need to have the bullying stopped as that is only going to make his flaws worse. I have sensory issues and for me this one mean bullying pain in the neck would come into the chat room and BOOM there went a week of retraining and I was back to being a basket case and doing inappropriate things. It got on my nerves to have that woman know more about dogs than people like me who were showing or owned dogs before she was born, same with horses. Bullies seem to know how to push the right buttons and ruin lives.

Now for his inappropriate behavior toward girls, is this normal boy stuff or aspie stuff, lol. Huggers will hug anyone even if doing so can hurt the person or is inappropriate like hugging strangers. I flirt and get in trouble for that even though I do not do it on purpose. If it is normal for him then he will keep doing it until the pattern is changed. It is normal for me to talk to myself while grocery shopping for example.

You are not alone as I have seen here more than one kid who did inappropriate stuff and were clueless to it being inappropriate. I am not sure what would work as I am not an expert in aspies but eventually someone here probably will help you come up with a plan. I can only tell you what I know and tell you to watch out for incoming hug and snug attacks as well as warm fuzzy thoughts and chocolates.

 

[Pegasus928]

Thanks for the replies and warm welcomes.
Already I am able to notice some of the things mentioned in my DS. Straight talking definately being one of them. He has no concept of empathy, and as a result will mention his Grandmas weight, will tell smokers that they are going to die, will tell anyone with an alcoholic drink that they are an alcoholic - you get the picture. This isn't because he is nasty, just because he speaks as he finds (I wish I could do more of that myself to be honest). He is very literal and if he asks for something and you reply "2 minutes and I will be there" then he will clock watch. Anymore than 2 minutes and you have lied to him.
He also has specific interests and when he finds something that appeals to him he throws himself whole-heatedly into it (violent weather is a particular thing i.e tornados, hurricanes - can you imagine how many times we have done Twister at Universal ) but the flip side is if he finds something that isnt to his liking then there is no reasoning. It just wont happen.
On the social side of things he finds it difficult to seperate people into age related discussions, and will speak the same to a 5 year girl as he would to a 14 year old boy. This is where the inappropriate issues come in. Many times we have tried to encourage him to go to school and keep his head down, do the work that is asked of him and come home. But most times he just feels the need to shout out in class, a lot of the time something that is not lesson related, and it is this that is making him a target for the bullies (and being the smallest in his year group doesnt help I am sure). When backed into a corner he will come out fighting. When called names he will hit meltdown after a very short period of time and unfortunately the bullies have picked up on this and will push his buttons to get a reaction from him. We are working very closely with the school to explain all this to them, and to try and get a couple of teachers onside but it is early days yet.
Obviously there is more but this reply is getting long enough as it is.
I guess one of the biggest challenges we have is trying to seperate what is a typical 13 year old boy thing and what is an aspie thing. Not always easy as I am sure you know.
Oh - and one more thing. I am in Qatar working, but my family is still in the UK. We did all used to live in Kuwait until recently but things changed and I had to get a new job. Unfortunatley it didnt allow me to bring the family so I now have to spend 28 days here then go home for 28 days. Not an ideal situation but needs must - as they say.
Thanks in advance for all your help - and I hope I can give some back very soon.

 

[mechurchlady]

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2008896
Read that thread as you will see kids like yours. You are not alone as I have seen on this board other kids like yours who blurt things out. As for the 2 minutes you can have my nearly deaf mother who demands things done NOW and cannot understand that things have to be done in a certain order. Sue or Bookworm should have advice on how to deal with a kid who lacks empathy.

I send you hugs and warm fuzzy thoughts. I tried sending mother and some chocolates but they do not fit in the monitor, sigh.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1778693
an interesting thread on food issues especially with aspies/autistics

 

[bookwormde]

First if you have not yet read it, I always strongly recommend Tony Atwood’s boo The Complete Guide to Aspergers c/2007 available on Amazon for about $25 US.

As you become more educated about Aspergers it will make understanding and helping your child and dealing with school and society in large on behalf of your child much easier an productive.

A formal diagnosis is helpful when dealing with schools and clinicians but with over 100 characteristics making up the makers for Aspergers syndrome and each having a different level of impact, no 2 children are the same so it is really all about become informed about the particular characteristics of your child.

The misunderstanding about the “lack of empathy” issues which, comes from the fact that the DSM-iv standards were created in the “stone ages” of Autism spectrum understanding is one of the clear examples. Once our children understand that something “causes pain” to someone else their desire to “help” is typically much stronger, although they often lack the social skills to know how to implement it.

The vast majorities of our children actually have a heightened sense of empathy and social justice but just do not understand the social rules and standards, which makes mentioning things like obesity and death and many other areas very common, since not mentioning it lacks any “logic”. It is really about being taught the neurotypical social “standards and rules”, since most of our children do not “pick them up” since the part of the brain which is typically wired to do this is used enhancement of non linear processing (visual and non discriminatory processing), so this must all be done with the intellectual portions of the brain (which can be exhausting in unfamiliar, untrained or complex situations).

Bullying is probably the most damaging thing that can happen to our children and is completely unacceptable in any situation. The co morbidities that arise from this often develop into clinical levels of OCD, Bipolar, Anxiety, and many other disorders.

You need to sit down with his school and see if they understand Aspergers and the programs and supports that are needed. I am not fully familiar with the regulation in England (I do know that they are similar but not quite as strong a those in the US) but they are required to support your child’s needs

There are also a few good support groups in England so Google for your area and you should find them.

Your schedule is actually quite ideal since you will have extended periods of time to immerse yourself in your education about Asperges and the Autism spectrum is general, to be “well versed” it takes thousand of hours.

Now I will congratulate you on having a very special child with exceptionally special abilities, whose predecessor have made a greatly disproportionate amount of the positive contributions to society. With the proper supports he will grow up to have a view of social conscience and drive that most parents can only dream of and focused intellectual abilities that are truly miraculous when properly utilized and appreciated.

Again congratulation and be prepared for moderating the discrimination that neurotypical society structures bombards our children with.

bookwormde

 

[BeckyScott]

I recognized many things too. My youngest son is technically PDD-NOS now, and before that was high-functioning autism. My youngest has some signs of Aspie and we are currently getting an eval for him.

My "first thing" would be to get very very familiar with the laws. I am thinking we have at least one other regular here who is in UK (yes?). I'm not sure if things are very different there than they are here, but here I know that about the only way to get anyone to take action is to start quoting law at them.

As far as the social boundaries, I'm thinking the best way to present it would be to make it a totally black-and-white issue, presented as straightforward rules. No gray areas. You'd have to be very careful how you do this, of course, and make sure you have logic behind it. That's very difficult, as interaction with others uses a lot of gray areas.

We had a similar situation with youngest DS. (this is kinda funny so hopefully it isn't offensive to anyone) He only has one name for things, things cannot have more than one name. For example, a soda is a soda. It is not a "pop", a "coke", it is a soda, and he will correct you if you call it something else. Well one day (this has been a while ago) he was in the bathtub and pointed to a "certain part" of his anatomy and asked me what it was called. And I realized that guys tend to call it by several different names depending on who they're talking to. But I needed to find one name that would be appropriate for life, and for any situation. It actually took more thought that you'd think. One name for "it" that would work with a doctor, in the locker room, with a girlfriend or wife, with a babysitter, through his whole life and in any situation would be appropriate, so do you go with a slang name? the medical name (which sounds good except guys don't talk like that to other guys)? you can't use a kiddie name... which word do you pick?

And then about a month later, I found out that the day care he was attending (just for a few hours a day during the summer) he had gotten in trouble for calling it the word I'd taught him. Apparantly at "her" house they don't call it that (and was quite snooty about it) and while she certainly knew about the autism, she didn't understand. I give up.

 

[Pegasus928]

I love the story about the bath tub and can fully appreciate where you are coming from. I have read a lot of fantastic advice on here and look forward to trawling through some of the other threads and finding even more. It seems that I have a lot of reading to do and, as was correctly pointed out earlier on, I do have time to do it whilst in Qatar.
I agree that probably the best way to tackle the social issues with my son is to be black and white about what is acceptable, as this is the way he sees things in an everyday capacity. We have been doing this now for as long as I can remember, and hopefully the repetativeness of it will help him to understand without it going into 'nagging' territory.
Thank you all for taking the time to respond and I look forward to getting to know you all through your posts and experiences. I have also shown my DW this thread as she is the one who is at home with DS all the time while I am in Qatar. I know the challenges that she faces on an almost daily basis and wish every day to go by so I can be back home and we can deal with things as a couple - just like we are supposed to - as opposed to me being more of a 'cyber-dad' for half of the year. Hopefully she will pop on to say Hi at some point.
Right - I had better go and get some reading done

Thank you All