Asking v. Nagging - Inspired by SoMad

[RadioFanatic]

Somad's thread really got to me withe everyone saying she was nagging. My dh and I are having this issue - i.e., he says I'm nagging and I'm saying I'm asking. The problem is, when I ask, he doesn't do it, so I ask again and b/c I have to ask again, to him it's nagging. To me, I shouldn't have to ask twice and especially not as many times as he makes me before he does it. For example,

1. he gets up about 2 hours later than I do so I ask him to make the bed - and he doesn't do it - so big surprise, I ask him again.
2. he steps out of his clothes and leaves them either where he stepped out of them or in a big pile on the floor - I ask him to put them in the laundry basket - he doesn't so I ask again.
3. he signs up for these monthly fee things (mostly computer things) and then doesn't use the product - I have been asking for months for him to take it off b/c they won't let me do it b/c he started the account - and he doesn't do it.

those are just a few examples. Why can't he do anything I ask, especially things I let him know are important to me? When he does NOTHING I ask, it makes me feel like he doesn't care. He says it's just nagging.

Your thoughts and experiences would be great to hear.

I'm ready with my flame suit.

 

[poohandwendy]

Asking is the first request...nagging is when you continue to ask the same thing over and over again without result. Nagging is when you don't look for alternative solutions when there is no result.

 

[budbeerlady]

Gotta go with you on #2! What the heck is that about, is every man born that way! I have decieded I am NOT his mom, if he cannot put his dirty clothes in the hamper (2 foot away!) I am NOT washing them! That is my new approach on things like this (been doing it 6 months now, dont ask, dont nag if he doesnt get the hint, it dont get done.) I dont think he cares untill he has no clean clothes and then he picks them up off his side of the bed and does his laundry. NO more fights, no more nagging, its just too bad if you chose not to follow normal expectations. (And less laundry for me!)

 

[poohandwendy]

Why can't he do anything I ask, especially things I let him know are important to me?

because he does not think they are valid complaints. Because he isn't affected by the things you call problems. Because he does not want to be told what to do.

Instead of continuing to 'ask', why not try a different approach. Let his clothes pile up on his side of the bed... don't clean ANYTHING that does not end up in the hamper. Let him start to live with the consequences. He will eventually get it.

 

[minkydog]

Well, i'm sure to him it does feel like nagging. You are not "asking", you're telling him with a question mark. Asking implies that the person has the choice of saying no. In your case, there is no option to say no;you expect him to do it. So to get around causing a scene by saying "I don't want to", your DH is taking the passive-aggressive route by acknowleging your request then refusing to comply.

I think your requests are reasonable, btw. But I'm not your DH. You can probably cure this by making the bed yourself and hiding his dirty clothes in the garage. However his behavior signals a deeper communication issue. I'm betting his mother was a nagger and just learned to tune her out too.

 

[tiff211]

I know bigamy is illegal but it sounds like we are married to the same man!!

I ask over and over again until I get sick of it and it becomes yelling to no one in particular as I am slam dunking socks into the hamper "would it be too much to put the daggone socks IN the hamper instead of BESIDE the hamper!!!"

I have no words of wisdom for you as I am in the same boat but I will be reading the posts in this thread and I wish you luck!!!

 

[poohandwendy]

I ask over and over again until I get sick of it and it becomes yelling to no one in particular as I am slam dunking socks into the hamper "would it be too much to put the daggone socks IN the hamper instead of BESIDE the hamper!!!"

No, it's not too hard...it's just not important to him on the level it is to you. the trick is to make it important to him...by making a consequence that he cannot stand living with. Like no clean clothes unless they are in the hamper. It really is that simple.

 

[CEDmom]

I've learned during almost 12 years of marriage that, like with a child, I need to pick my battles . It's not worth it to me to ask DH to make the bed, clean up the bathroom, pick up his clothes etc if it really matter to me that it gets done quickly and correctly (at least what I consider correct ). I just do it myself and whenever I get ticked that I'm the one that does most of the stuff around the house I stop and think about all the wonderful things my DH does do.

Life's too short to nag and beside I just don't have the energy. Remember when we pick at a scab it leaves a scar .

 

[LaLa]

DH does the same thing too. His underwear would permanently take up residence on the bathroom floor if I didn't pick them up. The thing is that he KNOWS that it will bug me long before it bugs him. And he KNOWS that I will have to pick them up or else I will just go insane looking at the bathroom that way. I too have "asked" till I am blue in the face. Methinks I will "ask" no more. I'll give it a whirl and let them lay where they fall for as long as I can stand it and see just how long it takes him to pick them up. Will report back on my experiment later.

This thread made me think of a really cute email MIL sent the other day. Good for a laugh or two:



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[RadioFanatic]

Minkydog, I agree. And you're right, there isn't an option. I do want the bed made and the clothes away and not to waste money each month on things he doesn't use anymore (which is about $100 a month total). But, in the grand scheme of things, that's not much for him to do - especially when I'm willing to do the laundry, we have our house cleaned by someone else and we live in a condo community where all outside stuff is done by someone else!

And believe me, I would LOVE to make the bed, but he's still in it! I do keep threatening I'll get him up at 6 am with me - maybe i just need to do it.

But it's other things too which are a HUGE deal. We are adopting, so we need ot have day care set up in case we get THAT CALL. His work has daycare - I have asked him a million times to find out about it - I can't b/c I don't work there. Has he done it yet? No. And yes, he wants the adoption (I even think he wants it more than me if that's possible) but he's lazy.

 

[poohandwendy]

You are not "asking", you're telling him with a question mark. Asking implies that the person has the choice of saying no.

Excellent point and dead on!

It reminds me of a psychological study done a long time ago with language. Particularly the use of 'can' and 'will' when making a request to your spouse. The same exact request "Can you take out the garbage for me" and "Will you take out the garbage". The latter produced so many more positive results it was astounding. My point is, the way we talk is just as important as what we say. It is truly important to choose your words carefully because the nuances and tone will directly affect the result.

 

[SoMad]

I'm ready with my flame suit.

I hope so

I can't believe I inspired a thread. Maybe I should use my SoMad user name instead of my other one. I guess my other one is a "bore" as I never inspired a thread before

As far as your question, I am keeping my mouth shut, according to many my marriage is already in deep trouble

 

[budbeerlady]

Seriously, not just with the laundry. Just stop doing things and watch them freak (the worst part is trying to NOT clean up or do stuff) I stopped last summer the following items (as part of his not doing anything inside to help keep the house neat. If he cooked the leftover food was left in the pan on the stove, I hated to leave for a weekend with the girls as it would take me forever to clean everything back up.) Loading the dishwasher, doing his laundry, vacuming, I did nothing for like two weeks. (I did secretly clean my bathroom and vacumm it, dusted the house while he was gone.) He got really quiet toward the end and asked if I was leaving or what was going on. Mean, but he helps out now and I get flowers and cards on random occasions. He started to appreciate all us women do to keep a house.

 

[ahutton]

DH and I have had issues with this in the past too. He hates to "let me down" when I ask him if something is handled and he has to tell me he hasn't done what I've asked. I told him how it felt to me, and asked him how can I let him know what things are on his "to do" list without making him feel bad. He told me it is a cycle for him, of he doesn't do it, and feels bad about it, so I ask him and he feels worse, and so on...

So, for the big stuff, I send him an email with a task/list of things he is responsible for and when (like if there is a due date on something he has to get done...) and he keeps it on his PDA. I learned once I hand it off I have to let go and not feel like it is my responsibility, and doing so has helped him feel responsible. I don't ask if it is done, and if there are consequences then he (or we) suffer them and he learns not to let things slide.

I also give him an out - if you can't/don't want to do this, then TELL ME!!! I'll do it, and we can trade tasks. For things like the bed making, I make it when I get home from work, so then we I go to bed it is how I like it.

Not perfect, but it helps. Oh - and for the laundry thing - DH will realize at the last possible second he was supposed to have done some of the laundry he is responsible for and hasn't, and gets really sad because he is out of something or there are no towels. I usually have a secret stash of things, will pull one out to "save him" and tell him I love him, and that tonight he better get rolling on his tasks!!!

 

[MAKmom]

Minkydog, I agree. And you're right, there isn't an option. I do want the bed made and the clothes away and not to waste money each month on things he doesn't use anymore (which is about $100 a month total). But, in the grand scheme of things, that's not much for him to do - especially when I'm willing to do the laundry, we have our house cleaned by someone else and we live in a condo community where all outside stuff is done by someone else!

And believe me, I would LOVE to make the bed, but he's still in it! I do keep threatening I'll get him up at 6 am with me - maybe i just need to do it.

But it's other things too which are a HUGE deal. We are adopting, so we need ot have day care set up in case we get THAT CALL. His work has daycare - I have asked him a million times to find out about it - I can't b/c I don't work there. Has he done it yet? No. And yes, he wants the adoption (I even think he wants it more than me if that's possible) but he's lazy.

He may have ADD often confused as lazy. If you are having a hard time with him as a partner, with him not doing what you want him to do, don't think its going to change after a baby comes.

13 years ago I was trying to fight the same battle. Then someone said the rule of thumb is " Who ever it bugs the most does it." If his clothes are left on the floor leave them there. If it drives you crazy pick them up.
You can be right or you can be happy.

 

[Michie]

I guess I should consider myself lucky. I have never had to nag at the Dh to help around the house. Having a nice, clean house is just as important to him as me Some of the spouses I read about on this board sound just plain lazy

As far as getting kids to pick up around the house, how about making house rules and posting them? I have done this for years. Such as, you get it out, you put it up. I have my shelves in my closets etc marked where things go. Have always had a chore chart for EVERYBODY. And have always set aside time in which everybody would be home to help clean all at the same time. Organization and being orderly is probably one of the most important life skills we should be teaching our kids.

 

[mookie]

1. he gets up about 2 hours later than I do so I ask him to make the bed - and he doesn't do it - so big surprise, I ask him again.
2. he steps out of his clothes and leaves them either where he stepped out of them or in a big pile on the floor - I ask him to put them in the laundry basket - he doesn't so I ask again.
3. he signs up for these monthly fee things (mostly computer things) and then doesn't use the product - I have been asking for months for him to take it off b/c they won't let me do it b/c he started the account - and he doesn't do it.

I haven't read the rest of the thread, but I just wanted to ask if you were secretely married to my DH...because we just talked about #2 AND #3 last night!!!!

 

[mickeyboat]

I am in the same boat. And it really causes a lot of resentment in our marriage. It is extremely hard for me to just let things go. Every time I step over something I have asked him to do, I get madder and madder.

When we were first married, I decided I would just do everything myself, and let the resentment build. That didn't make for a very happy marriage.

So I tried to get him to help. It turned into he did the outside chores and I did the inside ones. Well, it is clear that the inside chores far outweighed the outside ones, so I was still resentful.

To be completely honest with you, he has gotten a lot better. He knows that he needs to do what I ask in order for me to be happy. He doesn't do it 100%, and sometimes I have to give him a little slack, but he has gotten better. He might not do it the second I ask, but most of the time he will do it before it needs to get done.

A couple of weeks ago I was doing some laundry and picked up his workpants off the floor. I cleaned out his pockets and threw them in the washer. Boy was I surprised at the end of the cycle to find his cell phone in the wash machine. (They were in his leg pocket) Oops! Having to pay retail price for a new phone taught him a lesson. He has been much better about cleaning out his pants and putting them into the hamper!

Last night DH's sister was going to be at our house. I cleaned all evenning on Wednesday and asked him to vacuum. He didn't do it Wednesday night or Thursday morning, so I nagged him again and told him I would be absolutely furious if he didn't do it. I got home fully expecting it to not be done, but I was wrong. Now he didn't vauum upstairs, but I was still happy. It was a good compromise for me.

I am not sure we will ever resolve the "nagging" issue. But we're working on it.

Denae

 

[MzDiz]

I wonder how many of the people on the other thread who insist that it's no big deal are the same people that blow a gasket over people using last year's resort mugs? This board really loves something to get p*ssed off about.

Personally, I nag my husband. I nag him because he can't manage to drive the speed limit, pick up his clothes, or not hit people's butts with shopping carts when they stop suddenly in the store. As for him possibly being afraid of me? Good. He should be.

In the meantime, try not to beat or intimidate your husband, SoMad. Ah, that poor man!

 

[rt2dz]

Asking is the first request...nagging is when you continue to ask the same thing over and over again without result. Nagging is when you don't look for alternative solutions when there is no result.

I quit asking DH to be an adult for about a week. Then I asked again. When he didn't do it, I calmly told him it really hurts me that he takes advantage of me that way and he was totally undervalueing my worth and time. I then preceded to pick things up without another word. He started helping me immediately and I never had to ask again--he just does it.

My sister simply threw away all her DH's clothes. Anything left on the floor was trash. He got the hint quick.