Asking adult child to pay towards household expenses

[tvguy]

Not all people want to own a home.

Yeah, it can be complicated. My daughter is selling her duplex after five years. It was an entry level home, her other option was a condo, but the HOA fees around here on condos are obscene. $300-$500 a month, at the top end there, equal to half what her house payment was. She has moved back in with us, and she says she never realized how much she valued the quiet of a stand alone house. The duplex, and a condo would not offer that.
Even though she had to replace the HVAC, her duplex actually went up in value each year by an amount greater than she was earning working full time! So that profit will pay for her return to college with a nice chunk of changed left over.
But no idea what she will do when she is done with school. An apartment, duplex or condo are just too noisy for her. And the yard work from a stand alone home may be too much hassle.

 

[dizneegirl]

At 27, she's not a child. She should certainly be either completely supporting herself, or contributing to the household. Especially if she's making $70K/year. I mean, it's nice that you want to do nice things for her, but she's a grown-up with a good paying job, and probably no idea how the "real" world works yet. My opinion? Help her get ready to live on her own, unless you want a 37/47/57-year-old living with you.

 

[mylilnikita]

Sit her down and say “ this is a conversation that we should have had years ago, but you need to contribute to the house even monetarily each month and it starts now.
You are grown and I shouldn’t have to sustain all the bills with you living here.”

We will work on how to prepare you of when you move out.

 

[Kooks and Bay Bay]

At 27, she's not a child. She should certainly be either completely supporting herself, or contributing to the household. Especially if she's making $70K/year. I mean, it's nice that you want to do nice things for her, but she's a grown-up with a good paying job, and probably no idea how the "real" world works yet. My opinion? Help her get ready to live on her own, unless you want a 37/47/57-year-old living with you.

I definitely agree that at 27 she needs to have responsibility but there are some families that don't mind multi generations living under the same roof at any age.
In fact the US is the odd ball that wants to completely separate at 18-21.

 

[mickeyluv'r]

I dislike the tone of some of the answers here. There is no reason you have to be hostile or negative when you discuss this matter. Your child sounds successful!

IMO, that's the best way to frame what you now wish to discuss. BECAUSE your child has been successful, has a steady job, and has built up some savings, it is time to gradually increase his/her contributions to the household.

I would very much sit down and explain your current household budget: utilities, mortgage/rent/property taxes, utilities, food, and any other bills. Maybe price out nearby apartments, so they have an idea of how much they are saving by living at home. BUT ALSO include any services your child is contributing- like cooking, cleaning, mowing, etc.

From there, you can decide together what a reasonable contribution looks like. If your child is not helping with things like mowing, household tasks are another way they could contribute, especially as you age.

Do be aware of what you want, and what you might provoke. Would you be happier if your child moved out? Or do you like the idea of living in a multi-generation household.

This should be a happy discussion!

 

[Summer2018]

My child is 27 with a good job. Still living at home. Spends at least $500 a month eating out and likely much more. Graduated with a masters degree and no debt because we saved money and contributed to the expenses. Bought a brand new vehicle with cash. Pays for friends expenses on group trips and eating out. I am feeling priced out of Disney vacations and have started thinking that I should ask for a monthly contribution to the household expenses such as utilities. It does kinda bother me that friends are financially subsidized but I pay all the household expenses. I feel a bit weird asking for money so I can go on vacation. Anyone find themselves in this situation? I could use some advice on the right thing to do.

When I got my first job in high school, I started contributing by paying my car insurance and buying my own clothes. I paid my own way through college working full-time 2nd shift after a full day of school and student teaching. I paid toward the mortgage. I paid for my own wedding.

When my DD got her first job, she paid her car insurance, and when she got a full-time job, she started paying rent...not as much as an apartment would cost, but enough to be a contributing member of our household. On family vacations, whether in Disney, Margaritaville, or Cape Cod, she pays her way...her room, flight, etc.

I'm not really sure what the problem is here...

 

[Kooks and Bay Bay]

I dislike the tone of some of the answers here.

I think some of that comes from the meek tone of the OP and some of the things OP brought up like the amount of money spent on eating out and paying for friends.
What I dislike about what some have said is when they are adamant that an adult child should not live with their parents.

 

[disney-inspired]

My child is 27 with a good job. Still living at home. Spends at least $500 a month eating out and likely much more. Graduated with a masters degree and no debt because we saved money and contributed to the expenses. Bought a brand new vehicle with cash. Pays for friends expenses on group trips and eating out. I am feeling priced out of Disney vacations and have started thinking that I should ask for a monthly contribution to the household expenses such as utilities. It does kinda bother me that friends are financially subsidized but I pay all the household expenses. I feel a bit weird asking for money so I can go on vacation. Anyone find themselves in this situation? I could use some advice on the right thing to do.

I still live at home and I pay 'rent' - just some money each pay period to contribute to the household. I also pay all my expenses.
It just didn't make sense to throw money away with overpriced rent and be 'apt poor' and not be able to do anything else. I'm also dealing with an aggressive autoimmune disease so sometimes I need help when my body doesn't function properly. Also, not uncommon in our culture to stay with family.

It is a she. Maybe someone figured that out from previous posts. She has been out of school and working for 3 years. Makes a little over 70k. Her accounts are still linked to mine. She has 15k between checking, savings, and a mm account. Her cc bills are 2-3k a month and she doesn’t have any bills that I am aware of. She has some friends and a boyfriend that work minimum wage jobs. She says they pay their way but I don’t believe it and she gets defensive. I don’t want to say to her that I know she’s pissing the money away because she gets mad. My husband and I are worried she will marry this guy who still lives at home and can’t keep a job. In the meantime I feel like I’m actually the one subsidizing these other grown adults. This has been going on since she turned 18 and started working so I don’t see how I’m going to change it. It’s good to hear from people not close to the situation. I know we all give a lot for our kids. I’m tired of giving a lot for other peoples kids. Maybe if I made her pay she would have less to spend on them. This situation sucks. I don’t know that having the “your friends are your friends because you pay for their good time” will help anymore now than it did in the past. Thanks for listening.

Oh, boy. I do my fair share of fun spending but cover all my bills.
I would definitely require her to contribute to the household. Also a running monthly CC balance of 2-3k??? Is she covering her phone, car (maintenance, gas, insurance) and other expenses? If not, I'd make her pay for that yesterday. She's an adult and adults needs to support themselves. She can continue living at home but she has to pay some sort of room & board in addition to covering her needs.

 

[mickeyluv'r]

i live near and grocery shop in a college town. the most AMUSING shopping trips take place the first month or so into the new school year-every aisle or so stands a freshman (or a newly undormed/first time apartment dweller on their phone (on speaker) lamenting to their mother about the cost of food-comments

That is surprising, because I would have thought grocery shopping together is part of raising a child. Aside from basic knowledge like knowing how eggs are sold, children should have some say in what they eat and be taught how to choose groceries.

I know I started eating better when I was able to help choose which produce I wanted as a child, and for me, it has always meant seeing what looks freshest, bonus if it is on sale.

These days, I know many people choose grocery delivery at least part of the time, and that including children every trip isn't practical, but shopping is an opportunity to teach children many life skills, like budgeting and the basic layout of grocery stores.

 

[tvguy]

When I got my first job in high school, I started contributing by paying my car insurance and buying my own clothes. I paid my own way through college working full-time 2nd shift after a full day of school and student teaching. I paid toward the mortgage. I paid for my own wedding.

When my DD got her first job, she paid her car insurance, and when she got a full-time job, she started paying rent...not as much as an apartment would cost, but enough to be a contributing member of our household. On family vacations, whether in Disney, Margaritaville, or Cape Cod, she pays her way...her room, flight, etc.

I'm not really sure what the problem is here...

Well, in my College experience way back in 1975-1979, there were situations where in my opinion, it was a big problem. Specifically, parents with more than enough money to pay for their children's College Education who had their children declare themselves financially independent at 18 so they could get grants and scholarship money. So that scholarship/grant money went to someone whose family did have the financial resources to pay the tab, thus denying a student who did not have the financial resources scholarship and grant money. That's wrong.

 

[Kooks and Bay Bay]

It is a she. Maybe someone figured that out from previous posts. She has been out of school and working for 3 years. Makes a little over 70k. Her accounts are still linked to mine. She has 15k between checking, savings, and a mm account. Her cc bills are 2-3k a month and she doesn’t have any bills that I am aware of. She has some friends and a boyfriend that work minimum wage jobs. She says they pay their way but I don’t believe it and she gets defensive. I don’t want to say to her that I know she’s pissing the money away because she gets mad. My husband and I are worried she will marry this guy who still lives at home and can’t keep a job. In the meantime I feel like I’m actually the one subsidizing these other grown adults. This has been going on since she turned 18 and started working so I don’t see how I’m going to change it. It’s good to hear from people not close to the situation. I know we all give a lot for our kids. I’m tired of giving a lot for other peoples kids. Maybe if I made her pay she would have less to spend on them. This situation sucks. I don’t know that having the “your friends are your friends because you pay for their good time” will help anymore now than it did in the past. Thanks for listening.

Hadn't seen this post until another replied to it.
YIKES yeah definitely time for her to contribute and control her spending or maybe she does need to move out and learn how to adult
because spending $2-$3K each month on what sounds like purely fun things is a bit much and if she has had a $70K per year job for 3 years and only has $15K in the bank then she is doing some SERIOUS spending.
At this point this should be a financial intervention.
You should not be essentially funding her lifestyle by paying for EVERYTHING that is a necessity.

 

[abbyandangel]

I dislike the tone of some of the answers here. There is no reason you have to be hostile or negative when you discuss this matter. Your child sounds successful!

IMO, that's the best way to frame what you now wish to discuss. BECAUSE your child has been successful, has a steady job, and has built up some savings, it is time to gradually increase his/her contributions to the household.

I would very much sit down and explain your current household budget: utilities, mortgage/rent/property taxes, utilities, food, and any other bills. Maybe price out nearby apartments, so they have an idea of how much they are saving by living at home. BUT ALSO include any services your child is contributing- like cooking, cleaning, mowing, etc.

From there, you can decide together what a reasonable contribution looks like. If your child is not helping with things like mowing, household tasks are another way they could contribute, especially as you age.

Do be aware of what you want, and what you might provoke. Would you be happier if your child moved out? Or do you like the idea of living in a multi-generation household.

This should be a happy discussion!

Thank you! I am proud of her. I did not share all the specifics of the situation but I have a lot to be proud of. She does pay her own personal expenses. She is on our auto insurance but she does pay her part. She did buy a new car but we still have the one we got used when she left for college. It’s over 15 years old and started having issues so she bought a new reliable vehicle. She has continued to pay for repairs on the old one and also pays the insurance. We’ve hung onto it and all use it if what we typically drive is in the shop but she has spent quite a bit on it lately. I don’t know why she saved a lot before college and seems to have struggled since. She has more money than her friends. I think sometimes she pays because she’d be stuck sitting at home if she didn’t. Since my first post she and the deadbeat boyfriend broke up. The world of dating is very different than what I experienced nearly 40 years ago. There are some things we need to work on but she isn’t the horrible person some have painted her to be. She’s only been out of school 3 years. It’s not like her life is ruined because she’s drifted off course a little. At least she doesn’t do any number of things that would be much worse. I grew up with no parental involvement and way too much responsibility. I didn’t have a healthy role model for parenting and have not done everything right. I did ask for advice and appreciate that I got some great suggestions. I don’t think I expected so much judgement and criticism but that’s ok. I think I’ve had enough now. I feel thoroughly beaten up. I don’t need her money. I am frustrated that Disney has gotten so expensive but the experience so much less. It used to be my happy place but not so much anymore.

 

[starry_solo]

@abbyandangel - glad you are doing well. I think a lot of people gave great advice but everyone's situation is different.

 

[Franrose]

Please don't feel beaten up! Some people genuinely hope to help, others prefer to dazzle & impress everyone with their amazing superior answers to life and parenting and you probably have a mix of that here. Filter out the responses you need to filter because you don't owe any of us a thing and we don't know you or your full situation.

One thing I think I'm seeing over and over again, whatever the tone might appear to be, is that you don't have to feel bad about your decisions so far or that you will make in the future. You haven't done a bad job, you're not doing the wrong thing - you should be proud to have a daughter who has managed to get to where she's at at life, a degree is not something everyone can achieve and she sounds like a really caring person! It's more that you are quite justified and entitled to make whatever decision you want to make next, and you don't have to feel guilty about asking your daughter to contribute. Lots of people do that. Lots of people don't, too.

Also - I was surprised how much I accepted Disney's price increases last visit (last month), obviously I've steeled myself to the idea and just went with it even though I had mentally been shaking my fist at paying for things like Genie+ for months. We travel from a long way and all the extras to get there are just so hard to justify, but I had a better time than I did in 2018 when I found the sticker shock more insidious yet obviously too shocking lol. This time we had a ball! Don't give up on that dream either.

 

[ronandannette]

I think many people who have children aren’t equipped to properly raise them.

OK, but that has nothing to do with whether one owns or rents a home.

 

[barkley]

That is surprising, because I would have thought grocery shopping together is part of raising a child. Aside from basic knowledge like knowing how eggs are sold, children should have some say in what they eat and be taught how to choose groceries.

I know I started eating better when I was able to help choose which produce I wanted as a child, and for me, it has always meant seeing what looks freshest, bonus if it is on sale.

These days, I know many people choose grocery delivery at least part of the time, and that including children every trip isn't practical, but shopping is an opportunity to teach children many life skills, like budgeting and the basic layout of grocery stores.

grocery delivery may play a factor in it but i also had co-workers who for years planned their errands-including grocery shopping around NOT taking their kids with them. they chose to work 4/10's so they had that one weekday off or negotiated with other mom's to trade hosting each other's kids half a day every other weekend so they could each do solo shopping. whatever the case there are plenty of legally adult individuals who have no clue how to grocery shop.

 

[abbyandangel]

I have learned a few things by this conversation. I did update our auto and home insurance. We’ve had the same coverage for years and it was no longer adequate. I also learned that we need an umbrella policy. I didn’t know that existed. That department closed before I was able to talk to someone so I’ll do that tonight. Until I get all of that completed I don’t know if she needs removed from our policy or not. None of us were covered as well as we needed. She always pays her share. As far as bank accounts. They have been linked to some degree since she was in college. When I pay a bill like insurance I tell her how and we just transfer the money. When my parents got older, I was on their account. My dad didn’t have a clue about their biils. When my mom would be hospitalized, I was able to take care of things. There were times she needed money transferred from savings to checking but was unable to get to the bank. I took care of all that on line. I’ve left our accounts as they are in case something happens to me. I may need to rethink that for now but she will probably be on them in future as I get older. My husband doesn’t have a clue about our finances. Half the time he wouldn’t be able to say where his retirement account is. His memory is terrible and getting worse.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I have learned a few things by this conversation. I did update our auto and home insurance. We’ve had the same coverage for years and it was no longer adequate. I also learned that we need an umbrella policy.

We recently updated too. And switched insurance carriers. We are now paying less for more! I encourage everyone to shop around.

As for your daughter, I too have full functioning twenty-somethings living at home. Their salaries are astronomical. Yet, we do not accept any money from them. The cost of living with us is showing us monthly what they have saved for their future homes. That's all. They don't have privacy in that area, because I feel that is our business. At this point, it's like a brag fest. They are both so proud of what they have saved. They are now competing to see who has saved the most.

They will definitely be able to purchase homes by next year. Nice homes. And I am happy to have helped by letting them stay here. But the end game is moving out and home ownership.

We have an older child that basically had the perfect storm a few years ago. High paying job and very low interest rates. Was able to buy without these painful housing issues at the moment. But we would have helped her too if she needed it.

I see nothing wrong with allowing adult children to live rent free, but they have to understand what an amazing gift it is and show respect to the situation.

 

[abbyandangel]

This whole conversation has suddenly reminded of the Little Red Hen story I read as a child. I learned to do everything myself and haven’t unlearned it. I haven’t asked for her to pitch in but I’m sure she would. That may or may not be the right thing to do. I haven’t decided yet. I have decided that I need to make some changes to my way of thinking about things. I still think it’s all on me and it isn’t anymore.

 

[mjkacmom]

That is surprising, because I would have thought grocery shopping together is part of raising a child. Aside from basic knowledge like knowing how eggs are sold, children should have some say in what they eat and be taught how to choose groceries.

I know I started eating better when I was able to help choose which produce I wanted as a child, and for me, it has always meant seeing what looks freshest, bonus if it is on sale.

These days, I know many people choose grocery delivery at least part of the time, and that including children every trip isn't practical, but shopping is an opportunity to teach children many life skills, like budgeting and the basic layout of grocery stores.

I rarely grocery shopped with my kids, but they’ve been going to grocery stores since 12 or so. ShopRite is a half mile from our home, my kids walked by it daily going to the middle school and high school, high school had open lunch so many students go and eat there (high standing tables). I’ve been doing online shopping for over a decade for my weekly shops, but my college students home on break are there a few times a week (plus Trader Joe’s, target, Stew Leonard’s…). I do not enjoy shopping with others (or even shopping), my kids know to just add what they need to the list (they are very health conscious).