Argh...I really don't like my niece..

[JoiseyMom]

This is like the 3rd or 4th thread I have read from the OP about the bratty niece. I am beginning to wonder why so much jealousy about her niece's family.

Jealous of my DN's family?? LMAO There is nothing my brother and sil have that I am jealous of. They have one of the worst marriages I have ever seen (from the beginning). I fully expect him to leave when my youngest DN goes off to college. My brother is not a happy man, my sil is not a happy women. DN17 can't wait to leave, her posts on facebook show how unhappy she is at home. DN13, well her attitude shows it all.

I on the other hand have a DH who loves and respects me and listens to me. For all the things that he does or doesn't do and drives me nuts, we have a good solid relationship. I have 4 wonderful children, 1 about to get married to a wonderful young woman that we adore, 1 who just got promoted to Captain in the military, a beautiful DD14 who loves and respects her parents, and a DS9 who is also wonderful.

Yes, I vent about my DN. Is that a crime? My DD gets hurt. IF DN was just a girl and not a relative, there would be different ways of handling her. DD would at that point have nothing to do with her, since she doesn't consider her a friend. Being family, and since it is the only brother I have left, I need to tred lightly. I feel sorry for my brother and both my DN's.

 

[JoiseyMom]

The carpooling issue involves the parents and should be worked out by the parents, not the kids.

You'll gain nothing at all by confronting (and that's exactly what it is) the child at a family celebration, other than coming off as a shrew.

Next year, don't tell them what your dd's plans are, period, no matter how many times they ask.

As for the other stuff, it is stuff to be worked out by the kids. You don't like this child. That's OK, we don't have to like all of our family members.

I was floored when DN called to talk to DD about the carpooling. I was like, my sil is to lazy to pick up a phone? She did last year when she asked to carpool when they had trip days.

My dd has gone to this camp since she was 6 years old. Sil hasn't asked me what DD's plans for the summer are. DN did ask DD this year at school and DD kept telling her she wasn't sure. I finally asked my brother a week before camp started if DN was going back and he said yes. I can't control where they send their child, but I will not pull my kids from a camp they have been going to for 9 years because of my DN.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I would not talk to the DN at the upcoming shower. If she acts like a brat, ask her parents to do something with her (preferably the father since the mother overreacts.) If they choose to do nothing, I would talk to your son about dis-inviting them to the wedding because they will probably cause a scene there as well.

Thankfully she behaved, and DD didn't sit next to her.

However, I would take the chance to look at your relationship with your daughter. It is wonderful that you are so close - you are obviously a very good mother. However, things change a lot when kids become teenagers. Your daughter has repeatedly told you that she can handle the situation on her own. Yet, you come off as not respecting your daughter's very reasonable request.

Where have I not respected my daughters request? If my DD has told me she wants to handle something I let her. Unless it is a dangerous situation. DD was being bullied, by some boys this year and it finally came to a head and I had to step in.


She, against your wishes, puts herself in situations where she will have to be around the niece (like volunteering for carpool).

DD didn't volunteer. Last year SIL called and suggested since we live 1 mile from each other that we should take turns pciking them up from the few late nite trips. This year I asked DD if she still wanted to do that, and she said no. Then she changed her mind and said ok. DN called to ask who would pick them up last week. I agree it should have been my SIL who made the call, not my DN.

I think you are having a hard time separating yourself from who your daughter was (a young girl who needed you to step in when situations got bad) from who your daughter is (now older, who feels confident that she can work things out on her own). Do not mistake the fact that she confides in you with a plea for help. My stepdaughter went from being her mom's best friend to being extremely resentful and feeling like she is given no right to her own life because of this - and in the end the relationship suffers because the mom was not willing to take a step back.

I have a good feel for DD. When she wants help she lets me know. When she doesn't she let's me know that too. She is pretty verbal about what she wants LOL!! And again, unless it is a dangerous situation, I let her handle it. I don't just step in and take over, I ask her how she wants to handle it, and make suggestions, that she can use or not. I leave it up to her. Which is why we have such a good relationship.

Be there as a support for your child, but trust that you have done a good job and she will make the right decisions. It sounds like she does that when she is away from you - be proud. High school is the best time to let your children make their own mistakes and learn life lessons when you are still there to help them with your guidance - but you cannot keep them from getting hurt no matter how hard you try.

DD made some great decsions this past year. She had a friend that was cutting herself. Now, DD told me there were issues iwth a friend, and I knew soemthing was wrong, and DD told me that she couldn't break her friends confidence, but she would come to me if someone was in danger or hurt. 2 days later she confided in me and asked me what to do. I told her to speak to the counselor at school, and that they were the ones equipped to handle it. So she and her other friend did that and the girl got the help she needed. The mom called DD and thanked her also. DD is really good at making the right choices, and knows that I am there for her when she needs me for anything. I have worked really hard for this relationship with DD. She tells me that none of her friends talk to their parents at all about anything.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I have a couple of thoughts on the matter.
* Stop letting DD make your decisions. She is 14. Her mind is going to change from minute to minute. You can always call your brother or SIL up and tell them that you have changed your mind about carpooling because you do not want to expose DD to anymore nastiness from DN.

She doesn't make my decisions, I left the carpool up to her. And she doesn't usually waffle back and forth.

* DD sounds like she has a love/hate relationship with DN. She has to learn to cope with DN as the high school years are going to be a bugger all on their own. You can be her sounding board, but it is probably best to refrain from making anymore negative comments about DN.

I am not the one making the negative comments. DD comes home and compalins about what DN did to her this time. I do make suggestions about the best way to handle her.

* How would you tell DD to handle any other 'friend' that was treating her this way? Follow those guidelines. Don't let your 'family' situation get too involved.

If she wasnt a relative, DD would have nothing to do with her, carpool or otherwise. But she is a relative, and a close one, so it is much harder to deal with. If we shunned her totally, it would be a very big rift and my DD doesn't want to go there.

* Has DD asked DN what the problem is? Why she acts the way she does? No one needs to be subjected to cruelty, rudeness, or other inappropriate behavior. DD should express her dislike for that type of behavior and let DN know that she will not accept it - period. She can distance herself from DN regardless of location.

I am not sure if DD ever straight out asked her. Any time DD has asked DN what her problem was DN has turned it around onto DD and tried to make it out like DD did something wrong. Last week some girls asked DD why DN was mean to her. DD was like I have no idea.

*The time to have talked to DN was years ago when it first began. Talking to her now would do no good and will only cause problems. The talking to DN must come from DD as she is the one being treated poorly.

I suspect the DD is going to waver in regards to her feelings toward DN, and that is fine, we all do that. Support DD, but you can't be hating on DN with DD.

DD does waver, she wants to be friends with everyone, no matter how bad they have treated her. Her heart is hugh and she has gotten hurt many times because of it. I do support DD, but I do explain that I can't control DN, and to look at her life and who her role models are and go from there.

 

[JoiseyMom]

OP, wow, your latest posts are just screaming with attitude and frustration and anger, now aren't they. Might as well be written in all cap with a fire red font.....

Like I said in my last post....
You really do need to learn to let things roll like water off a duck's back, and just walk away. But, something tells me that these words of advice are completely and totally in vain.

Sometimes you can't just walk away. You just can't. I mean how many times do you let ppl, especially family treat you like a doormat before you have to put a stop to it. ANd I do let loads roll off my back, tons. I bite my tongue and just move on. I let my SIL get away with yelling at my daughter at my DS's FDIL engagement party!! I didn't engage in an argument, I didn't do waht I wanted to do. I walked away and had a drink and calmed down. I have taught DD how to fend for herself and how to protect herself. I have told her she can iether ignore her cousin or put her in her place. DD has done both. It is really hard when you are 14 and you are in a social situation and you wnat to be friends and it is hard when you are bullied, especially by your cousin.

BTW, coming here to vent is a good way of letting it off my back. I can unload here and calm down.