ARGH!!!! Homework and Parent Vent

[aprincessmom]

Yesterday I was at dance with DD and one of the girls from her 1st grade class was there making up a dance class. I got to talking to her mom and we were remarking on the latest class project, building a neighborhood. That day the children had taken home milk cartons that they, as homework, were to decorate like their house and bring it to school to put on the streets they were building to make a neighborhood.

I mentioned how DD was really excited about doing this and had been talking about it in the car, how she was going to cover it with construction paper and make little flowers to put in the window boxes, etc.. Then this mom said "I am so excited. I already painted the carton with our exact house paint and made the windows to put on once it's dry. When we get home I'm going to start making the shrubs to glue on the front.

I was stunned. This is her daughter's homework and she is doing it. And she appears to be very proud of her efforts like I should praise her for it

On the way home I asked DD if some of the other project (build a family tree, make a pair of dice for math games, etc.) looked like someone besides the children did it. She got very quiet and said "Well, a lot of the kids bring in stuff that their parents do so mine doesn't look as good." I felt horrible. The teacher specifically writes on the assignment sheets that you as parents can guide but you aren't supposed to do the work for them.

DD takes great pride while making her stuff and I think she does a great job but then she apparently feels badly when she gets to school and sees what the other kids have because it's made by grownups, not her peers.

Why do parents do this? What is wrong with them? And I know in my mind that DD will be better for doing her own work, she's learning responsibility for her own work, learning a good work ethic, etc., etc. but it just kills me to think of her little deflated face after she's worked so hard on her house that she thinks is the Taj Mahal only to place it next to the house her classmate's mother made with glasine windows and curtains, etc.

Am I the only one who thinks that doing your child's homework is wrong?

 

[grinningghost]

It drives me crazy as well. I recall in 4th grade, DD had to make an Indian village. Well, when I saw them all on display, I just knew that some of them were NOT done by 4th graders. One boy admittedly got "help" from his father, who is an architect. The project looked very professionally done. I agree with you, your DD will be much better off in the long run. Let the kids do their own work - that's how they learn.

 

[becka]

You are not alone but I am afraid that we may be the ones with the unpopular opinion.

I think you are doing the right thing with your daughter and in the long run it is the best thing for her but I am sure it is hard for you to see her disappointment and I hope she does not allow it to dilute the excitement she feels about her creative projects.

One of the reasons I have heard for why parents actually do their kids' homework is because the parents feel that the assignment is just too difficult for the kids to do on their own. Guidance is one thing but too many parents just assume their kids can't do it and take over it all. I find that a little sad because the only message that kid is getting is that Mom and/or Dad doesn't think they are capable of doing their own work.

This has been a problem for a long time and I don't think it is ever going to go away. I remember making my own projects in school and then seeing the projects made by other kids' parents and I felt pretty bad. That was 20 years ago.

 

[Cindy B]

You are doing the right thing... My DD (in Kindergarten) has a project based thing that they do every week..

I can tell when the parents do the projects for her, instead of the 5 year old...they don't learn if they don't do.

 

[CyranoJones]

I think a parent should be there for guidance, as a person to listen to ideas and maybe make suggestions. Dare I say a parent can also help with a project sometimes. But to actually sit down and do a project or other homework for a child is wrong and not doing the child any favors, IMO.

 

[Wendy]

It drives me nuts when parents do this!!! And for her to brag about it. Sheesh! My kids always do their own work. It makes them mad sometimes that I won't help them, but kids are capable of great things all by themselves!

Let me also add though, that some of those kids may be doing their own work, but it's good enough that everyone thinks it's an adults. Two examples:

I have a 5 year old that is very artistic and very meticulous. Some of the things he draws and paints at 5 years old are better than I can do. (Of course, that's not saying much. LOL!) I've had several of his teachers and one art teacher that have told me I really NEED to get him in some art lessons because he has such a natural talent. Unfortunately, he's flat out refusing to take lessons because he tells me, "I already know how to draw. I don't need lessons."

Here's something that happened to my sister when she was in elementary school (about 3rd grade, I believe). She wrote a computer program that balanced a check book for the science fair one year. This was right after the very first home computers came out. She did it all herself - was a computer whiz! My parents didn't have the foggiest idea how to write a basic program. Well, after months of hard work and totally dedicating herself to this project, she was disqualified from the science fair because they didn't believe a child her age could do that and accused my parents of writing the program for her. Heck, to this day my dad still calls me and asks simple, simple questions about how to send an email. My mom and dad tried and tried to fight the decision, but couldn't get them to change it. I think we all 4 cried and cried over it, knowing how hard she had worked on that project. My sister and I both actually dumbed down our science fair projects the next year for fear of being disqualified if they were too good.

So, I'm always very careful not to jump to the conclusion that a parent has done the work for a child. You just never know what a kid is capable of.

 

[Disney Doll]

You are right, this stinks! It has been a problem since I was in grammar school (which was a LOT of years ago ). I can remember participating in my school's Science Fair. My parents would help me by taking me to the library and helping me decide which books would be most helpful, if there was something that needed to be sawed or a dangerous tool used, my father would do that part, but the writing of the project, the putting together of whatever I was putting together, the painting/decorating of the visual aids was all done by me. When the Science Fair started, you could always tell whose parents' had done the project.And those projects always won, because they were so good. Well, of course they were good! They were done by a 40 years old, not a ten yer old!!!!!!!

Parents who do this are doing their children no favor. My response to that mother would have been,"I generally let my child do her school projects. You must not have much else to do, if you have the time to work on a child's homework assignment." Sarcastic...yes.

 

[aprincessmom]

"I generally let my child do her school projects. You must not have much else to do, if you have the time to work on a child's homework assignment."

I was still in shock over how proud she was of it so my mind wasn't functioning enough to give her a comeback. Only stunned silence and, I'm pretty sure, a look of abject horror. Guess she won't be inviting me over any time soon!

And Wendy, you are right. Some children are naturally gifted and function well beyond their years. Unfortunately after talking to one of the other moms who volunteers at the school and has been in the system for a while, she told me it's pretty common in our town for parents to do the projects for the kids without their input or help. Sad but true...but it does explains why the parents in the town complain that the standardized test scores levels don't seem to coincide with the results from projects and homework.

How sad for your sister and her science project It's too bad those judges didn't talk to your sister more about it and ask her questions to discern if she had done it. Maybe they would have learned something!

Thanks to all of you for helping me feel like I'm not the only one who doesn't do their child's homework.

 

[Pooh Girl 71]

The extent of my help is going to the store and purchasing the supplies Well, I will also steer her in the right direction but that's it.

My daughter gets mad at me sometimes but it is her homework/project. She is the one who is supposed to learn from it. It's a shame when parents do all the work for the kid. What is that teaching them?

 

[nativetxn]

We always made Travis do his own project (dh usually helped him with sawing wood or using power tools). I don't think doing homework for your children helps them learn or teaches them anything except that someone will do everything for them in life. Not a great lesson to learn.

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

I don't know how appropriate this is, but I would talk to the teacher and tell her your concerns. Because your DD should be very proud of her work!

 

[kejoda]

I wonder if thier grades reflect that the parents did the work? When our ds did his solar system last year we had a heck of a time keeping my dh from it. Finally got him his own. Out side of that Kevin does his own work. the only time we hhelp him was with his Indian village. For some reason he couldn't get the teepee to stay up. He just needed an extra pair of hands to get it up. Of course he had the same problem at school and the teacher just laughed and wonder how much that happened in real Indian life.

 

[grinningghost]

As long as we're on a project vent - I'd like to add that I hate the following things about school projects:

1. When the assignment is so complicated that it takes over your child's life.

2. When the project requires purchasing mass quantities of junk that costs alot of money.

I'm all for making children create and develop projects - but I think some teachers go a bit overboard. Not every kid is artistic and super creative, not to mention technically inclined. When the grade is based on the above, it simply isn't fair.

 

[AirForceRocks]

aprincessmom, I understand completely how you feel. And to me, the worst part is that your DD feels badly about how her work compares to the work of parents...that makes me so sad!!!

I don't know what advice to give, other than to continue what you are doing, and pump up your little girl's feelings about her work...

Good luck!

 

[Kermit]

That is so sad that your dd feels sad when she's the one who should feel proud of herself. On the positive side, I'm sure she does have fun doing the projects by herself, and she will understand the value of it some day.

It's equally sad that the woman you talked to has time to paint a carton the same color as her house. She should really get a hobby.

 

[ryanpatricksmom]

I'm getting ready to attend a parent/teacher conference in about an hour. I have decided that this year (6th grade) I am allowing Ryan to suffer the consequences when his schoolwork is not up to par. I guarantee you that it will be suggested that I become more involved in the production and completion of homework and projects. I won't do it.

I am concerned that there is an expectation in some schools that the parents SHOULD be involved in the child's schoolwork on a daily basis. While I will remain actively involved to ensure that he completes homework and projects and studies for tests, I will not correct his work or add to the artistic element of his projects. The bottom line is...if I fix it, no one ever knows that he doesn't know the answer, or is aware of any limitations that he may have. Better he suffer the consequences now, than when the grades count towards his GPA for college admissions.

Good grades don't mean squat if you haven't learned anything.

I'm sorry that you're little girl has to deal with this.

p.s. Brenda, great tag!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I think you are doing the right thing ryanpatricksmom. I've been on a big "Independence" kick myself this year, after struggling through an Algebra nightmare last year.

I will now provide an after-school snack and drink, a place to work, and a really sharp pencil. If asked, I will briefly explain a concept or find the page in the textbook where it shows how to work the problem. If asked, I will tell him whether or not his answers are correct. I WILL NOT do the work for him.

His homework grades have definately dropped, but his quiz and test grades have improved. I'm anxious to see the first report card. I haven't had a parent/teacher conference yet, it should be interesting.

I hate the art projects. I'm not artistic myself and have no interest in gluing dioramas into shoebox or painting cartons any color at all. I'm glad that my kid's haven't had many of those assignments lately.

 

[Boots]

{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[Rock'n Robin]

This reminds me of the turkey my DD#2 just did. It is a standard 2nd grade assignment at our school. I remember when DD#1 brought hers home. They are supposed to decorate it and be creative. We had some beads and markers and she did it herself. Well, compared to some others it looked awful. My kids are NOT naturally artistic (neither am I).
This year I talked to DD#2 about it. We bought some wiggly eyes and feathers(her idea). I showed her how to glue down two of the feathers and she did the rest. She used marker for some of it, got a piece of felt for the "neck thing" on the turkey, glued on an eye and (on her own) made a dialogue bubble that said "gobble gobble" and glued it to the turkey's "mouth".
Last night was conference night and the turkeys were on display in the hall while we waited for our turn. It is SO OBVIOUS which ones are completely by parents. One has cut feathers, each one the same shape and very carefully cut on the side. One had red stripes on a white hind end, a flag pattern in the middle, and a blue front with a star for an eye. DH even told the teacher "these moms did a real good job on the turkeys!" and she said "you can really tell."
Robin M.