Are your parents good GRANDparents?

[georgina]

Thank you for proving my point so well. I’m grateful my mom isn’t like this. EDIT: And again, suggesting that parents want grandparents to give up all their independence and free time to watch grandkids FT is a straw man.

The idea that grandparents 'owe' their kids to help comes across as a very entitled, spoiled generation comment to me. I feel bad for a mom who feels she owes things to her grandchildren and has no choice in the matter. If grandparents want to help, fine, if not, that's OK too.

 

[Jen81NYC]

The idea that grandparents 'owe' their kids to help comes across as a very entitled, spoiled generation comment to me. I feel bad for a mom who feels she owes things to her grandchildren and has no choice in the matter. If grandparents want to help, fine, if not, that's OK too.

The fact that you view parent, child and grandparent relationships in these transactional terms comes off as very cold, FYI. It isn’t a matter of “owing” or not “owing” something. This is…family. It’s love as a verb.

 

[Jen81NYC]

It raises my eyebrows a little that many seem to equate "good" grandparents with their willingness to provide childcare.

It raises my eyebrows a little to equate spending time with grandkids without parents there as a buffer as “childcare.” Spending time with grandkids is how meaningful bonds are formed—there’s no shortcut around this. And it’s not the same if mom and dad are always around at the same time (and for many, when does that even happen except for a few holidays a year?) Taking grandkids to the movies, the zoo, for a weekend sleepover, mini golfing, baking together, doing art projects, etc is the best way to form grandparent and grandkid bonds. Yes there is the bonus that while grandparents are spending time with grandkids, the parents get a bit of a kid-free break but viewing it solely in childcare terms that only benefits the parents is odd to me.

 

[CamillaF]

My parents and in-laws are great grandparents. They all get along and take the kids so they have "Grand Parent" Summer camp. The in-laws live across the country and come stay with us for a few months at a time (we have a separate apt for them on property.) My parents live about 2 hours away. They watched the kids 1 day a week when they were little and now older will help out when needed and asked. However the grandparents who live across the country spend a lot more time with the kids just hanging out.

 

[georgina]

The fact that you view parent, child and grandparent relationships in these transactional terms comes off as very cold, FYI. It isn’t a matter of “owing” or not “owing” something. This is…family. It’s love as a verb.

We sold our home of 35 years, where we raised our children, the home my DH grew up in, and moved to a new city where we knew no one except DD and SIL. Do you have any idea how hard it is to establish new social relationships in your 60's? DD is on track to become a partner in a major national consulting firm. I get short notice calls she has to go out of town, and I get up at 5 AM to drive to their house so SIL can leave for his job in national security at 5:30. Do I enjoy at 60 years old to get up at 5 AM? No. I do it for her and grandson. If she ever dared imply that somehow I owed this to her, the result would not be good. You may think it is cold to consider the feelings of grandparents, but I think you are not looking at the whole picture.

 

[Jen81NYC]

We sold our home of 35 years, where we raised our children, the home my DH grew up in, and moved to a new city where we knew no one except DD and SIL. Do you have any idea how hard it is to establish new social relationships in your 60's? DD is on track to become a partner in a major national consulting firm. I get short notice calls she has to go out of town, and I get up at 5 AM to drive to their house so SIL can leave for his job in national security at 5:30. Do I enjoy at 60 years old to get up at 5 AM? No. I do it for her and grandson. If she ever dared imply that somehow I owed this to her, the result would not be good. You may think it is cold to consider the feelings of grandparents, but I think you are not looking at the whole picture.

None of the parents in this thread has framed it as grandparents “owing” something. I remain confused as to why you keep framing it in those terms.
For example, when I was a new mom and just had a baby, my mom very kindly stayed with us for 1-2 weeks and helped with dishes, laundry, diapers, burping, etc. I certainly didn’t demand all this help; that’s not how family communicates. If she hadn’t done that, yes I would’ve been very wistful for help and would’ve really struggled, as my husband went back to work right away. But again, I wouldn’t have said “my mom *owed* me this assistance as a new mom”—that’s not helpful or accurate framing. But if she had said “I’m not going to help you because it’s not my responsibility to help take care of your kids”, that would’ve been extremely cold.

Wanting assistance from a parent isn’t entitlement—it’s just a desire to have a stronger village/support system, and for our kids to have a stronger village too.

 

[Marrila]

We sold our home of 35 years, where we raised our children, the home my DH grew up in, and moved to a new city where we knew no one except DD and SIL. Do you have any idea how hard it is to establish new social relationships in your 60's? DD is on track to become a partner in a major national consulting firm. I get short notice calls she has to go out of town, and I get up at 5 AM to drive to their house so SIL can leave for his job in national security at 5:30. Do I enjoy at 60 years old to get up at 5 AM? No. I do it for her and grandson. If she ever dared imply that somehow I owed this to her, the result would not be good. You may think it is cold to consider the feelings of grandparents, but I think you are not looking at the whole picture.

I see family much as you do. I think families that appreciate one another and are respectful of each other's needs are loving in the best of ways. Working together with thoughtful consideration allows everyone to feel valued. Moving isn't easy, but it's wonderful you are now nearer to your grandson.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

We sold our home of 35 years, where we raised our children, the home my DH grew up in, and moved to a new city where we knew no one except DD and SIL.

Were you expected to do this though?

Certainly distance makes frequent get togethers and the "hey we'd like to do date night wanna come over and spend some time with so and so?" improbable but when I read your comments it's like there's a sense of martyrdom coming across and you probably don't mean to.

Effort is usually what people want these days but effort comes in many ways. It doesn't mean get up and move and then spend the rest of your remaining life resenting it.

One of the things that gets talked about with respects to "where is this village everyone kept talking about" is distance as over the years people moved themselves (either voluntarily or job-related) far enough away from their core immediate family members thus the helping out logistically and practically wasn't there. However, that is just a data point and should never be used to put pressure on either the parents nor the grandparents to solve it. It was more of a response to the older generations who spoke of this village that helps raise and the realities that is the present way we live. It is harder to have a lot of outside help if you live thousands of miles away from your family, that's just practically speaking.

 

[disykat]

None of the parents in this thread has framed it as grandparents “owing” something. I remain confused as to why you keep framing it in those terms.

Because the whole title of this thread separates parents into "good grandparents" vs what we can only assume is not good grandparents and many of the posts here are quantifying it in that way.

 

[Jen81NYC]

Because the whole title of this thread separates parents into "good grandparents" vs what we can only assume is not good grandparents and many of the posts here are quantifying it in that way.

Yes, I think good grandparents are those who want to spend meaningful time with their grandkids, are thoughtful and proactive about it, and don’t generally view spending time with grandkids mainly in terms of a favor they’re doing for their kids. This is what makes grandkids adore their grandparents and what makes parents become extra appreciative of their parents. This doesn’t mean grandparents “owe” this, it just means good grandparents do this. And to reiterate, this is not about grandparents being a replacement for daily FT childcare—that’s pretty rare and no one on this thread is expecting that.

 

[indimom]

I think my parents have been great grandparents. They didn't "change" their ways when they moved from parent to grand. We had rules in their home, the grandkids have rules in their home. We felt loved, I think all the grandkids have felt loved. They don't spoil the grandkids or treat them like lil princes/princesses; and, they didn't give up their own lives to constantly be at the beck and call of the grandkids. But, I didn't expect them to. They didn't become grandparents by their choice, they became grands because my siblings and I wanted kids. So, I didn't 'expect' them to do anything. Whatever they have provided/done for/with their grandkids, was because they love them. And that's enough in my book.
I have a sister who feels completely differently. She feels like they didn't do enough; and, has made comments about how she's going to be a better grandparent than they were.... so, I guess it just depends on what you expect from them.

 

[Disneylover99]

Wanting assistance from a parent isn’t entitlement—it’s just a desire to have a stronger village/support system, and for our kids to have a stronger village too.

Sometimes it is.
We all come from different experiences.
There are many grandparents who have been guilted into giving up jobs or forced to put their own lives on the back burner to look after grandchildren. Some children take advantage of their parents in this respect.

 

[Jen81NYC]

Sometimes it is.
We all come from different experiences.
There are many grandparents who have been guilted into giving up jobs or forced to put their own lives on the back burner to look after grandchildren. Some children take advantage of their parents in this respect.

I literally wrote “And to reiterate, this is not about grandparents being a replacement for daily FT childcare—that’s pretty rare and no one on this thread is expecting that” so to keep framing in as martyrdom when no one on this thread is expecting that, is telling, IMO,

 

[Ellie008]

For example, when I was a new mom and just had a baby, my mom very kindly stayed with us for 1-2 weeks and helped with dishes, laundry, diapers, burping, etc. I certainly didn’t demand all this help; that’s not how family communicates. If she hadn’t done that, yes I would’ve been very wistful for help and would’ve really struggled, as my husband went back to work right away. But again, I wouldn’t have said “my mom *owed* me this assistance as a new mom”—that’s not helpful or accurate framing. But if she had said “I’m not going to help you because it’s not my responsibility to help take care of your kids”, that would’ve been extremely cold.

So, your mom didn't "owe" you help, but if she did not freely offer that help then she obviously doesn't LOVE you. Because family is the verb form of love, and family helps. Sounds a lot like you feel she owes it to you to me, maybe we just define it differently.

 

[Disneylover99]

I literally wrote “And to reiterate, this is not about grandparents being a replacement for daily FT childcare—that’s pretty rare and no one on this thread is expecting that” so to keep framing in as martyrdom when no one on this thread is expecting that, is telling, IMO,

I’m not necessarily talking about full time childcare. I’m referring to children expecting their parents (at the drop of the hat) to come over and help out or be on call without consideration to the grandparents plans. I‘ve seen it. It happens. We all have different perspectives. I’m not sure what is “telling” about this.

 

[Jen81NYC]

So, your mom didn't "owe" you help, but if she did not freely offer that help then she obviously doesn't LOVE you. Because family is the verb form of love, and family helps. Sounds a lot like you feel she owes it to you to me, maybe we just define it differently.

I know you’re looking for a weird argument here, but…yes, it’s a loving act to help your daughter, who is a new mom, right after a baby is born. But not performing this loving act isn’t automatically an unloving act (although I suppose it can be given the facts and circumstances).
If people are upset by someone noting that “spending time with grandkids is the best way to develop bonds with them” and “it’s loving when a mom can help their daughter after a baby is born”, I suggest looking inward

 

[lowlight]

I’m not necessarily talking about full time childcare. I’m referring to children expecting their parents (at the drop of the hat) to come over and help out or be on call without consideration to the grandparents plans. I‘ve seen it. It happens. We all have different perspectives. I’m not sure what is “telling” about this.

As long as you are ok with your children taking on the same attitude when you can’t drive anymore and have to rely on strangers to get your prescriptions, groceries, transport to medical appointments, when you fall down and can’t get back up, and just plain old someone to talk to instead of being alone in a house.

To be fair, I was equally disgusted by my siblings refusal to do anything for their grandparents later in life after all the grandparents had done for them. It’s a two way street, so the word entitlement is such a weird boomer word to use. You don’t do things out of obligation, you do it because you love someone and want the best for them and you’d want someone to do the same for you some day. Yes, grandparents who choose to be less involved in the upbringing of their grandkids are bad grandparents and selfish. Sorry if it hurts your feelings, it’s just my perspective.

 

[Marrila]

It's interesting to me to read the biased generalizations about "boomers" on this thread. I think it's sadly very telling.

 

[kymom99]

I’m a little tired of hearing the word boomer, to be honest. I’m a year away from being a boomer. My husband is a boomer and he takes care of his grandson over and above. He also took care of his parents at the same time until they passed. I despise labels like that.

 

[Ms.Minnie]

Wouldn't it be interesting if we could fast forward to a time when the current parents concerned with the current grandparents become the grandparents? I wonder what the current children would have to say about their parents' grandparenting skills. I really wish we could do that; it could be very interesting.