Are you or have you ever been the "other woman"?

[chadfromdallas]

It lasted for 2 years until I ended it finally.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

I agree wholeheartedly. That is why I asked pfishgirl the question to begin with. I, personally, would have a hard time trusting someone who thought the entire thing was to be blamed on their spouse and didn't see their own personal role in the dynamics of a failed marriage.

Now, I kind of feel bad because I encouraged people like phish and the others to tell their stories. I don't want anyone to tell and be put through the ringer. Sometimes listening to someone unconditionally is the best policy. I guess it works for me anyway. I really like what aunt Polly did with the start of the thread. Oh well, I'm on to the next one.....

 

[LadyyRedd]

I was the other woman this past summer. Met the guy at a coffee shop. He seemed perfect. Things were going great but then his lies all started piling up. When I realized I was the "other woman" I got out of that situation really quickly. I felt horrible. And naive. I kept thinking "shouldn't I have known sooner?" But I think sometimes we want to believe that a person is every bit as wonderful as they seem even if they aren't. I definately had some blinders on. But once the truth came out I immediately ended the relationship. Because not only did he have a SO, he was engaged to her. I felt really cheap and low about myself. Now, I am VERY careful about who I date.

My story is very similar....except he was married, not merely engaged. I met him and fell for him. He didn't wear a wedding ring. He didn't even have a "wedding band tan line" or anything close, so now I just assume he is one of those guys who never wears one. I was with him for about 2 months when I discovered it, very much by accident when I wasn't even looking for it. He was VERY good at hiding the fact that he was married. It makes me sick to my stomach to this day (even though it was several years ago) to know that I was "the other woman" for that period of time and possibly had a part in some other woman getting hurt. Whenever I think about it, I feel the need to bathe in a tub full of Comet!
Kimya

 

[poohandwendy]

I have read a lot of the other esponses, and doesn't it seem like all of us "other women" have had really different types of sagas. None of them seem like the same thing like all of the books claim. It doesn't all seem sordid, and negative like so many people would like to believe.

But, to be fair, we really are only getting one side of each of these stories. If the wives, husbands and children of those involved were posting, there would be many other points of view that would likely disagree with you.

I am in no way calling anyone here a liar. Just pointing out that personal perspective is your reality. For example, if the 'scorned' spouses were to post, it is very likely their perspective would be the polar opposite of the 'other women' here.

 

[HomeSweetDisney]

My story is very similar....except he was married, not merely engaged. I met him and fell for him. He didn't wear a wedding ring. He didn't even have a "wedding band tan line" or anything close, so now I just assume he is one of those guys who never wears one. I was with him for about 2 months when I discovered it, very much by accident when I wasn't even looking for it. He was VERY good at hiding the fact that he was married. It makes me sick to my stomach to this day (even though it was several years ago) to know that I was "the other woman" for that period of time and possibly had a part in some other woman getting hurt. Whenever I think about it, I feel the need to bathe in a tub full of Comet!
Kimya

That's exactly how I feel. I hate knowing I was the other woman. And I hate that I didn't know I was the other woman until a couple months later! He was very good at hiding his whole other life from me. And I know what you mean, the thought that his fiancee may have found out (she probably did) and her hurt and heartache is what makes me feel so bad. I would never intentionally hurt someone.

 

[minniepumpernickel]

But, to be fair, we really are only getting one side of each of these stories. If the wives, husbands and children of those involved were posting, there would be many other points of view that would likely disagree with you.

I am in no way calling anyone here a liar. Just pointing out that personal perspective is your reality. For example, if the 'scorned' spouses were to post, it is very likely their perspective would be the polar opposite of the 'other women' here.

The roles are constantly changing to . I guess you could say that it is a vicious cycle. Perhaps the bitter scorned spouse becomes the next victimizer?
I guess if one sees themself as a victim then it would be much easier to become a victimizer. What do I know, I just wander along with the rest of the cluless masses.

 

[Jezebel]

Let me start by saying that I registered with a new name. I've been on the boards for about 5 years. I guess we'll say I'm a coward - on many fronts. Yes, I've been the other woman. As a matter of fact, I currently am and have been for almost 2 1/2 years. I'm married and so is he and we both have children. Long before my affair started my husband and I decided that our relationship was not working. I begged to go to counseling, and he refused saying that our marriage was too far gone. We are still married, but trying to work out a friendly divorce, (if there is such a thing). I never planned on having an affair, let alone with one of my friends husbands. Yes you read correctly - I'm having an affair with one of my friends husbands. It should have never happened but it did. A good friendship slowly turned into so much more. I am in love with this man and he with me. What we have is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life, the feelings are beyond intense. We both know that what we are doing is not fair to our spouses or our kids and so very wrong. Why don't we end it then?? I don't want to - there I said it - I don't want to. I am a horrible person that will some day rot in hell for the things I have done, but when I am with him, it is all worth it.
There - I have said all the things that I have been carrying around for so very long and now I've shared so let the flaming begin.

Jezebel

 

[chadfromdallas]

Holy damn, this is soap soap opera ! Wow Jezebel, what a terrible friend you are....

 

[PartyofSix]

Well Jezebel let me just join you hun. Before i was Partyofsix. I was married and my guy was married. He with two kids. We met at a race and started talking one thing led to the next and i quickly got out of my trouble marriage. Keep in mind i was young. He fessed up quickly that his wife was pg just weeks into our relationship not a month later so was I. I had my dd cut my ties with S and moved on to the most wonderful and fulfilled marriage anyone could hope for. Lessoned learned. I won't bore you with the details.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

Is anyone else trying to figure out who Jezebel is?

(I always do that when someone posts incognito)

 

[leahannpen]

Wow, I don't have anything to add but...wow! LOL. Sad too, actually.

I've never been and hope nothing like this ever happens in my "I like it this way" boring life!

 

[Muffin]

I am in love with this man and he with me. What we have is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life, the feelings are beyond intense. We both know that what we are doing is not fair to our spouses or our kids and so very wrong. Why don't we end it then?? I don't want to - there I said it - I don't want to. I am a horrible person that will some day rot in hell for the things I have done, but when I am with him, it is all worth it.

I didn't even try to say this in my post because I knew it wouldn't come out right. But this is exactly how I feel and you said it so much more eloquently than I ever could have.

 

[Cavatappi]

been the other woman once. Didnt know I was because he was good at lying. Now I can already hear people wondering aloud how I can say I didnt know. I had been to his apartment , he is a Police officer so he had a discount on his rent and that is why he had a 3 bedroom , he has joint custody of his kids that is why he had all of thier things there. I went to police functions as his date ( everyone was nice to me and talked with me ) nobody treated me like I was the other woman .
He was a nice guy , he had a profession that I felt was honorable, I met his friends and his brother.
We dated for 4 months I went to his apartment about 10 times I never saw anything that would lead me to believe that he was lying . Now I guess I should have looked in every nook and crany. I did look in the kitchen pantry and there was all off brand stuff ( I thought single men did this not girls LOL)
His partner was so nice to me and never once told me my guy was married !

How did I find out ?His wife called me and when I saw the caller Id I picked it up and heard " DO YOU KNOW WHO THE ---- I AM?" I said " yes you are _______'s Ex Wife right ?" then she told me they were still married and living together. I cried ,she cried ,I told her that I didnt know and begged her to believe me she said she did because he had done this before . I had hoped after I hung up the phone that she was lying but I knew in my heart she wasnt . He never called me after that day so I will have to asume that she was telling the truth .

 

[Thumpershere]

No I haven't been, nor could I be. I truly believe that there are 3 sides to a story, his, hers and the truth. So, I would have a really hard time believing that the 'cheater' was telling me the whole truth. They have too much to gain by lying.

I was but I had all sides of the story. I was married for 13 years and had a 6 week old baby when my ex left me for another woman. She lived right down the street and her son and my older DD were friends and she and I were too. She also left and divorced her husband. They got married about 8 months later and he showed up my house on NYE...2 days after the wedding, crying about how he made a mistake, blah, blah blah. I didn't want him back but I couldn't pass up the chance at revenge either. I made sure she knew where he was. It was immature and I'm not sure that I'd do it again but 2 days after the wedding was impossible for me to pass up so I'm not sorry I did it.

Gina

 

[chadfromdallas]

This thread is so entertaining....

 

[Pongo69]

I admit it - I have a lot to do here but I am spinning my wheels today and poking around the board looking for a juicy discussion.

I was curious if anyone would admit to having been the "other woman".

I promise I will not be judgemental and ask that everyone else do the same, but can you tell how it all came to be? What do you think of the guy's wife and what went wrong with their marriage. Do you or did you think he'd leave his wife? Did he leave her and did you marry him.l

This is pretty nosy and I won't be surprised or offended if no one answers at all. It's just that I think alot of us wives think about it from time to time.

Shamefully I admit I was the other woman when dh was dating someone and I was dating his friend.

When we were introduced for the first time I CAN HONESTLY SAY it was love at first site. We bacame the very best of friends. I guess they realized this because they tried everything they could think of to keep us apart but as you can see it didn't work. Dh and I have been together for 18 years.

I didn't feel bad at all for dumping Chump because 1. Chump didn't like the fact that I wasn't giving up the corn flakes. I found out ChumpCheater went to get his corn flakes soaked elsewhere...
2. He had tooo much Baby Mama Drama going on with a woman that I didn't know about. So when you add both together Chump wasn't worth the salt in his britches.

 

[Thumpershere]

The roles are constantly changing to . I guess you could say that it is a vicious cycle. Perhaps the bitter scorned spouse becomes the next victimizer?
I guess if one sees themself as a victim then it would be much easier to become a victimizer. What do I know, I just wander along with the rest of the cluless masses.

I explained in another post why I did it. I can say there aren't any other circumstances where I would cheat. If I would have even been dating someone at the time, I would have passed.

Gina

 

[poohandwendy]

This thread is so entertaining....

I think it is sad. These are real people with families we are talking about.

We all make our choices in life, I'm not going to flame...it would make no difference at all. But, I really feel for those who are being betrayed so deeply. Especially the children.

FTR, I don't consider dating 'cheating' situations in the same realm as the marital cheating we are discussing. Until that life-long commitment is made, I just don't see it as the same. It may not be a nice thing to do, but it doesn't have the same potential to break up entire families.

Cheating and all that goes with it affects many more people than just the adulterers and their spouses.

 

[simpilotswife]

I was knowingly the "other woman" in a relationship where the man was engaged. By the time I left the relationship, I think she was the other woman but that is a story for another time.

We were together for about 6 1/2 years and he was my best friend. I finally broke it off with him when I met someone that I was serious about. He completely flipped out over it and so we couldn't even stay friends. At one point (after he had confessed it all to her) his fiance' complained to me that if I was his friend I would stick around. Um...hel-lo!! I tried to be friends with him but he couldn't deal with having a completely platonic (keep your hands to yourself) relationship with me. She saw nothing wrong with him still wanting to kiss and caress me.

Not to justify my actions but his fiance' knew that he fooled around. They were engaged for something like 20-25 years and he had been fooling around during the whole time that they (and he and I) were together. She finally left him about 10 years after I did. She met someone on the internet and married him.

To me my relationship with him was just sex with a friend. I can honestly say that I do not regret the relationship. He helped me to understand my sexuality and gave me confidence in myself so for that I am grateful. Also if I had not spent my time with him I may never have been available when I met my husband so I have doubly reason to be grateful.

 

[ktink]

I'm not here to judge or criticize anyone but I just don't see how you can have an affair with a friend's husband. First of all, I'm sad for you because I know you didn't set out for that to happen. And I'm sure it was something that just excalated but could you have put the brakes on when it first started happening?
It also bothers me that these men have no respect for the women they cheat with, otherwise they would end their marriage. And if the excuse of children is used, well what damage has been done already? The truth will come out one day. Does anyone tend to think of other people's feelings?
I once had a man that tried to come in between my DH and I but I let him know that I was married and to me that was a serious thing. Now DH and I have a wonderful relationship, so I can see in a troubled marriage how it would be easy to get caught up in the moment. So I will give you that one.
I do feel for all of you and I have not been in your shoes so I don't want you to think I think bad of you, it's just not the decision I would make.