Are you or have you ever been the "other woman"?

[ktink]

Here goes- I had an affair while I was separated from my ex. He was also married but said his wife was o.k. with his affairs as long as he didn't flaunt them at her. Long story short I got pregnant and when the "baby" turned 6 years old (affair over) they went to court and got physical custody of my son because they were married in a home and I was a single parent living in a trailer park with more children (one that was handicapped). "Best interest of the child" my son was taken away but I still get visitation every other week-end holidays and half of the summer. I have paid my price.

That is so sad. I feel for people who get involved with someone like that it ridiculous for a court to take a child away from it's mother unless the child is being abused and neglected. It sounds like you were doing the best you could and it breaks my heart for you. You have indeed paid a price that is way too costly. Again, I don't condone affairs but I've not walked in your shoes nor claim to. Sounds like this man is a real piece of work. I can't imagine his wife would be okay with him having affairs. But I'm so sorry this has taken such a toll on your life.

 

[CookieGVB]

Yup, I was. He was married - I was young and stupid - no real excuse.

It has come back around to bite me - I've already received my "payback" when my husband cheated on me...again...and again...and again.

 

[MidgeD79]

My son has "adjusted" o.k. He is the only child at his dads (they have a son who is 26 and in the marines). I feel like he is spoiled there and doesn't know what family means like taking turns sharing compromsing etc. When my oldest son died inaugust of 2003 ds was "allowed" to attend one day of the funeral for 2 hours and was not "allowed" to attend any bereavment counseling. Talk about a double whammy! I remind myself that at least he is still alive and I can see and talk to him even if it is on a schedule. I want both of my sons back.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Wow, I don't have anything to add but...wow! LOL. Sad too, actually.

I've never been and hope nothing like this ever happens in my "I like it this way" boring life!

 

[Pooh Girl 71]

To my knowledge, I have never been the other woman. I would not get involved with someone in another relationship. It wouldn't work and he'd do the same thing to me.

I've been cheated on and it's the most hurtful thing someone can do to you. Actually, I could have forgiven the sex part, it was the lying and deceit that were torture.

 

[disneychrista]

Yes, I have been the other women. But things went sour, whe he got married and I refused to continue to be the other women anymore. I never had any intentions on being anything other the a "fling" but I guess I have some morals since I do honor marriage vows. Funny I haven't heard from him since the night I told him, no.

 

[Teejay32]

I'm sorry Midge.

No, I haven't been one. I am a wife who used to tolerate DH's occasional online romances, and sometimes I actually felt bad for those other women....God only knows what they were thinking, some married some not, but afaik they were usually let down pretty hard. I could see that. (The wife is not always clueless.) He may have met some of them. If he did, I doubt anything happened.

When DH and I were separated I found there's a big difference between him getting involved with other people and me doing it, innocent though it may be. With me it was "cheating" and he couldn't handle it, when it's him it's "just playing around"...that's been straightened out since then, but I'm still kind of mad about it.

 

[JerseyJanice]

Nope. Never have, don't ever expect to be.

I am truly grateful that I have always had a stable home life. My parents had a wonderful marriage, my siblings that have married are very happy with their spouses, and my own marriage is going strong after 10 years.

 

[tinatark]

Nope. Not me. But I did once REALLY get a *friend* who was the ow in mine and my (off to college) boyfriends' relationship - she was older then, 30-ish to my 20 year old self.

He had told me that we needed to break up, that he had been *seeing* someone - that she had been there... yada, yada. I figured out who it was. then really started blasting boyfriend and his cheating with my *friend*... not letting her know I knew it was her ... crying on her shoulder, so to speak. Made them both feed like doo doo... hee hee.

So we BOTH ended up broken up with him. And I never talked to her again, either.

*oh, and Jezebel, I think I know you!* (Just kidding, but an old friend is in the same situation as you are.)

 

[experiment626mom]

I was the other woman and yes he divorced his wife and married me. Yes I trust him.

I was also on the other side of the coin and my ex-husband cheated on me.

Would I do it again?? Not on your life.

 

[worm761]

this has been an interesting thread to say the least.

i have been the other woman but didnt know. kind of the other woman. they were separated. she lived on the other side of town. i had met her, we even liked each other. they were always referring to each other as "ex"husband/wife. about 3 months into the relationship i found out they were not divorced nor were they even legally separated. i was dumbfounded. didnt know what to think. i mean, they always referred to each other as ex's. why would i even have thought to ask- are you still married? we broke up shortly after that. i was 19. older and wiser now. i ask the right questions now.
i have also been the one to be cheated on. devasting to my self esteem. i would like to think that i would never knowingly be the other woman. but i haven't walked a mile in those shoes yet.

 

[eeyore0062]

Yeah, I guess I was, sort of.

My friends in high school would ask me to talk to a guy for them to try to set them up because I could talk to anyone. Then the guy would end up asking me out. Lost a few girlfriends that way.... but I have to say, the guys were pretty much worth it.

 

[pfishgirl]

wow..I go away for a little while and I have to read 5 pages of posts just to catch up...ok so it was 8 hours that I was gone but geesh!!!

in my case, honestly, I don't think my hubby's ex wife was hurt only because
1. she was the one the refused to see a counslor or acknowledge there WAS a problem with their marriage..

2. she knew it was coming because he Told her it was

3. they BOTH agreed on the divorce and in 3 months the divorce was finalized

soooooo what's Not to say she didn't have another man in her life because why would you refuse to get counseling if your spouse is telling you there is something wrong with our marraige, that I am not "in love" with you anymore ?? if that were me and I wanted to save my marriage, I would of been on the phone that day with a marriage counslor scheduling appointments...

 

[Kristi1357]

Have never been and never would be, ever.. I know what it feels like to be that wife who's husband has an affair and it's one of the worst feelings in the world and led to the end of my marriage. It's also a real confidence killer, makes you question many things about yourself, you think you are inadequate and not good enough to be loved (at least I did) even though it wasn't my fault. It really affected me for many years and still (although of a much smaller scale) does.

Been there, done that. I also subscribe to the once a cheater, always a cheater theory.

My ex much later on married the "witch" he was cheating on me with - once their kid was about 3. Anyway, from what a family member of his told me, he did so under threats of not seeing his kid. About a year or so ago one of witch's friends bumped into my sister and mentioned how happy they were now. Yeah, right. BUT, she added that witch is very scared he'll "do to her what they had done to (me)." That just about says it all. What comes around goes around, doesn't it? And if you think he is cheating - HE ALREADY IS!

I really feel bad for their son. Why don't people realize how much hurt they cause when they do selfish things like this?

 

[disney4us2002]

Wow, so I just got caught up and wow!

A few random thoughts now. I reject the idea that anyone is capable of being a cheater in the right circumstances. I don't believe that. Many of you have rejected my "once a cheater, always a cheater" so please give me the same courtesy to reject this theory. There is absolutely nothing I take as seriously as I take my vows. My marriage is a union of three, not two. It's husband, wife, God and I just am not capable of cheating on it. Period. This is also why I said I don't believe I could stay married to a cheater as well. My dh has too much integrity to cheat although he doesn't agree with me on the God thing. He is huge on personal responsibility because his bio dad walked out on him and his mom when he was less than 1 yr old. He just isn't built to cheat.

Most of the stories here aren't really what I'd consider cheating. If neither person is actually married, while it certainly isn't desirable, I don't think of it as cheating or adultery.

It's hard, very hard not to come off sounding judgmental but I am really very confused about those who have had or are having affairs. For instance, the anonymous Diser, chose anonimity and a specific username that one could conclude was due to guilt but then posts while she will probably rot in hell, he's worth it. Huh? If you are both committed to others, have whole lives and children with others, assumably sleep together, vacation together, bank together and are completely entwined with the person you're married to, what is left for this affair? I see it as nothing more than good sex. Is that not true? What is left to give or get? These are thoughts I ponder; I'm not really looking for answers here just expressing why I'm confused about why any affair is "worth it".

 

[Christine]

Most of the stories here aren't really what I'd consider cheating. If neither person is actually married, while it certainly isn't desirable, I don't think of it as cheating or adultery.

For instance, the anonymous Diser, chose anonimity and a specific username that one could conclude was due to guilt but then posts while she will probably rot in hell, he's worth it. Huh? If you are both committed to others, have whole lives and children with others, assumably sleep together, vacation together, bank together and are completely entwined with the person you're married to, what is left for this affair? I see it as nothing more than good sex. Is that not true? What is left to give or get? These are thoughts I ponder; I'm not really looking for answers here just expressing why I'm confused about why any affair is "worth it".

Carla,
I agree with you that most of these stories don't fit my definition of true cheating. I think at least one of the parties should be married for that word to fit. But the question was really about "have you been the other woman" which could apply to dating circumstances as well. Also, I do think when you ask if someone has been "the other woman" that they need to have full cognizance of it in order to truly be one. If the guy is lying to you and he has a girlfriend you don't know about, well, I don't think that counts. If you knowingly enter into a relationship where the guy (or girl) has a *significant* other--well, only THEN do get to be the "other woman."

As for Jezebel posting anonymously, I TOTALLY understand it. There is no way that I would post that about myself on this board. When it comes to infidelity/cheating/etc, I have found many people on this board to be extremely judgemental and harsh. If Jezebel doesn't want some of her DIS relationships ruined and have stones thrown at her, she needs to go anonymous. I got no problem with this at all.

And, I can see how the relationship could be worth it. It's not always possible to get out of certain situations and it might be your only bright spot in life. I'm not saying that this is the wisest choice to make but just saying that I can understand it. Also, in a long-term affair, it really isn't about the sex.

 

[auntpolly]

I guess I should have put the "NO DEBATES PLEASE" in the title of the thread!

Sorry for the controversial thread, everyone.

 

[grlpwrd]

I know exactly who your talking about

If her marriage is dead, and so is his...she did not give details as to if they are going the divorce route or not....

My point was- you cant be with your kids 24/7 and be saine..if her marraige is unhappy.....well.......

I just hate the holier than thou bologna...if you havent been in these shoes- you cant say 'what I'd do is"

Brandy

Holier than thou? Remember, I felt the effects of cheating - my father and my grandmother (actually, both of my grandmothers) were cheaters. Do you know how difficult it is to still not trust people? Adultery affects everyone involved so please don't tell me I haven't been in those shoes. I, for sure, would finish my business with my first relationship before moving on to another one.

Plus, why am I the one to be interrogated and questioned? I'm not a cheater.

This alludes to the point of how adultery has become so "accepted." Perhaps that is why it happens often and there's the belief we aren't a monogamous specie(s). Until society rejects the notion that it's acceptable then I don't see how society will stop thinking in general we're not monogamous... it's so common now. Frankly, I can't believe you would question me and propose to me 'what would happen if' rather than criticize/interrogate/question/etc "Jezebel"?

It's hard, very hard not to come off sounding judgmental but I am really very confused about those who have had or are having affairs. For instance, the anonymous Diser, chose anonimity and a specific username that one could conclude was due to guilt but then posts while she will probably rot in hell, he's worth it. Huh? If you are both committed to others, have whole lives and children with others, assumably sleep together, vacation together, bank together and are completely entwined with the person you're married to, what is left for this affair? I see it as nothing more than good sex. Is that not true? What is left to give or get? These are thoughts I ponder; I'm not really looking for answers here just expressing why I'm confused about why any affair is "worth it".

My thoughts exactly.... why would anyone want to cheat for, basically, an org**m. (Mods - this word was not filtered, but I wanted it to be somewhat censored for innocent eyes.)

 

[Christine]

I guess I should have put the "NO DEBATES PLEASE" in the title of the thread!

Sorry for the controversial thread, everyone.

Well, you had to know it would be? We had one of these not too long again and it got awful. I was only hoping that it would continue to STAY non-judgmental. It seemed to be doing so but, IMO, no one was really posting anything that controversial until 'Jezebel' came on. She is the true "other woman". I just hope that people stay off her back about it so others will come forward. Honestly, though, I can't imagine anyone coming here who is involved in something like this that would use their screen name. Too many people get upset about this stuff.

 

[auntpolly]

Well, you had to know it would be?

I thought it was worth a try - said I was sorry.