Are you and your spouse on the same page money-wise?

[dvcgirl]

You know, I tried that with my husband many times. He completely scoffs at it. For example, we were drowning in credit card debt --- simply because we weren't making enough money and were doing a lot of our living off credit cards ( I know, dumb dumb dumb!) Well, I found credit card calculators online and figured each card and how long it would take to pay if we paid a certain amount each month. It came out to 3 to 5 years. I told him with complete enthusiasm that we can finally make a plan and get the cards out of the way! His response? Pffft.... yeah, 3 to 5 years, ha. He did the same thing when I said I was going to quit smoking (which I did 9 years ago). Pffft, yeah right. A total negative.

We have many other issues other than money. The only reason I haven't put him out yet is because he wouldn't be able to afford to live on his own and I don't want to put him in a position of having to rent a room (which he couldn't afford, anyway) or having to live with relatives.

You bring up another excellent point though.....that for the OP, like it was for you awhile....that it's an income crisis.

It sounds like you are moving in a really positive direction...and ready to move on. My concern for you, if you're really ready to move on, is will he ever be in a position to support himself?

We had a very similar situation with my DH's brother....and the marriage just ended with a divorce a few months back. She, my former SIL, was moving in a positive direction. Not only got her nursing degree, but her masters....now making in the 90,000 K range on her own, but he just stayed where he was....never tried to improve, save....on any front really. And yes, they had many other issues, and always had separate checking accounts....that kind of thing.

But if my SIL waited for my BIL to move out on his own, or get his financial act together enough before she left.....she never would have left. She left him in the house....that is about to go into foreclosure at any moment. And he's since asked his 80 year old parents to buy him a house that he would then "rent" from them. My DH had to finally step in and speak with him.

It sounds like you're still looking out for him....but my only thought to you, as another woman, is you need to think about yourself.

Hope it works out for you.....

 

[abolanwoski]

My husband and I were married in September, and we are not on the same page, although he is getting much better. I am a saver, and he is a spender.

One thing we decided to do when we got married was to have 1 joint account, and then keep our own separate accounts. We each put a percentage of our paychecks into the joint account, and the rest is ours. All mutual bills are paid with the joint, but then we still have our money. So, if he has saved up and wants to do something I think is frivolous, he's free to do so, and vice versa. Our friends think we're odd for not combining everything, but I know we also fight a lot less about about finances than they do. It just takes away that feeling of resentment, and that he is somehow taking money away from 'us'.

I think this is the smartest thing anyone can do! I wish I had done this when we married. After almost 20 years, we still can't agree on how it should get spent! When I tried (now) to separate our finances, he won't hear of it (guess which one of us is the spender - LOL)

 

[ilovejack02]

We have many other issues other than money. The only reason I haven't put him out yet is because he wouldn't be able to afford to live on his own and I don't want to put him in a position of having to rent a room (which he couldn't afford, anyway) or having to live with relatives.

Just a quick thought, if he does badger you into giving him his bills , then you both might be out on the street or living with relatives. So what's better him renting or living with relatives or all of you . Doesn't sound like he will EVER be able to be on his own while you are basically holding things up for him.

PP posted already posted about this I see. Look out for yourself and kiddos (if any) because it is clear he won't .

Hugs to you.

 

[Ress76]

We have many other issues other than money. The only reason I haven't put him out yet is because he wouldn't be able to afford to live on his own and I don't want to put him in a position of having to rent a room (which he couldn't afford, anyway) or having to live with relatives.

Right there with you, Diane. I thought I was the only one who felt this way!

 

[angierae]

I am the one that's bad with money in our house, so when we moved in together we decided that DH would pay all the bills. We added up what our bills cost every month (the electric and gas are on budget plan so they are the same year round) and twice a month when I get paid I cut him a check.

The first check is for half the bill amount. The second check is for half the bills minus half whatever I spent on groceries/household expenses that month. So he pays me back for his half of that.

We both put an equal amount into savings (right now he's putting money into household savings and I'm putting money into vacation savings) and that's that. The bills get paid, we each have "our" money to spend as we see fit, and there's no more arguing and everything gets paid.

 

[PatriciaH]

Hmmm... I think we are both spenders After bills are paid, etc. We do save in our 401k's and Roth's and have emergency savings but we like to spend too. I tend to spend on travel, experiences, food (including going out to eat) and house things. I also like gadgets like the iPhone, Wii, etc. I buy things after they 1st come out but keep them for a long time! I still have the 1st iPhone for example. DH buys things when he needs them. We keep clothes, shoes, bags, cars, etc for a long time but buy quality. My mom was more of a spender but was a SAHM so had to live within a budget. My dad has loosened up a lot with his money now that he is retired and sees he has plenty. DH's dad is much more generous than his mom. She is very tight with money. When we go out to eat with my parents they never let us pay. DH's dad tries to pay when we go out, but his mom gets annoyed with him! They probably retired with more then my parents too since she worked outside the home.

 

[dvcgirl]

Hmmm... I think we are both spenders After bills are paid, etc. We do save in our 401k's and Roth's and have emergency savings but we like to spend too. I tend to spend on travel, experiences, food (including going out to eat) and house things. I also like gadgets like the iPhone, Wii, etc. I buy things after they 1st come out but keep them for a long time! I still have the 1st iPhone for example. DH buys things when he needs them. We keep clothes, shoes, bags, cars, etc for a long time but buy quality. .

Wow...that sounds a lot like us! I mean, DH is more of spender by nature, but when it comes to experiences....like travel, dining out....we're both on the same page. That's where we like to splurge the most.

We also keep cars forever, but neither of us spend a lot on clothes...never have.

DH is "gadget boy"....gets the new iPhone when it comes out. I kept mine until it stopped working and I had to get another one.

I had to "let go" and stop micro-managing DH's purchases when I came to his new guitar hobby. I realized that this was really becoming a passion for him, and not a passing fad. He was already taking lessons, and I knew that the "purchasing of guitar stuff" would follow. So, we made that a part of the budget, and where I had to "let go"....was that he'll buy something at retail...keep it just six months, sell it on e-bay for a loss, and upgrade.

If I let it, that could drive me nuts. It's definitely "throwing money out the window" to a certain degree. But as long as he stays on budget for those things, I had realize that....that he *was* staying on budget....and selling one thing, and saving up a few months to upgrade to another. So that's *his* deal....not mine. But it's within our household discretionary spending budget.

I see that some posters are talking about having separate bank accounts for spending. I see what we do sort of the same way...but it's "all under the same umbrella". If having separate bank accounts for "blow money" works...I think that's fine. But you have to have the same long-term goals....retirement, investing, paying off the house, avoiding consumer debt....that kind of thing. If not...there's trouble ahead.

 

[ilovemk76]

I am the one that's bad with money in our house, so when we moved in together we decided that DH would pay all the bills. We added up what our bills cost every month (the electric and gas are on budget plan so they are the same year round) and twice a month when I get paid I cut him a check.

The first check is for half the bill amount. The second check is for half the bills minus half whatever I spent on groceries/household expenses that month. So he pays me back for his half of that.

We both put an equal amount into savings (right now he's putting money into household savings and I'm putting money into vacation savings) and that's that. The bills get paid, we each have "our" money to spend as we see fit, and there's no more arguing and everything gets paid.

This works great when both make the same amount of money. Where it breaks down is if one way out earns the other. The higher earner has far more discretionary money and it can lead to resentment in the future.

 

[NYCDiane]

First, thank you to everyone for the wonderful and supportive posts. You've really given me a lot to think about!

Second, to the OP: I apologize if I somewhat hijacked your thread. It wasn't intended. I think the subsequent posters gave us both some great info, though!

 

[tweedlemom]

I am very lucky that my husband and I are on the same page money-wise. We are both savers. We squirrel away alot. We were able to pay off all debt (except our home) and open up another savings account purely for future college expenses for our young sons. We have joint checking and savings, as well as personal savings accounts for both boys. We talk about the finances openly and honestly. We went from 2 full time incomes to 1 full time income (I was a SAHM) to 1 full and 1 part time income (I substitute teach now.) We feel as though we are on a financial roller coaster sometimes, but we commuicate constantly and I know that helps a lot.

 

[SnowWhite607]

Once again, I could write this post too. Except, when I have to tell him to stop spending bc we have such and such to pay, he gets mad at ME, asking why don't we have the money. And if I answer, bc you buy two packs of cigs every other day, buy crap like snacks, DD coffee, fast food etc. when I make your lunches, etc. He then pulls the - oh it's always my fault pout. And I think you are like me in that you aren't spending money, in fact trying not to spend ANY money to compensate for his spending - am I right? I appreciate the other posts - but they all depend on a compromise dh is not willing to make - no "allowance" (yes, I hate that word too), no budget - just a "we make too much money to be having these issues" from my dh.

Yep, we could be twins. I dont spend anything on myself (oops, I did get a Starbucks today, first time in months) because I figure what I *dont* spend will make up for what he *does* spend.

NYCDiane - you didnt hijack! I am just glad that we both see we are not in this alone. Sometimes it just helps to see that there are others out there just like you.

 

[Colleen27]

We've dealt with some of the same issues and I know it goes back to the way DH was raised - his dad was the breadwinner and felt that entitled him to certain "privileges" like nights out with the guys whether the family could afford them or not, because "he works hard all day and deserves it". And frankly, the only reason we've gotten through it is that he doesn't want to be that way. He doesn't want money to be a power issue and he doesn't demean my role in our family way his father did to his mother, but because it is what was modeled for him growing up it takes effort to find a better way.

It isn't really a saver/spender issue but rather a fundamental disconnect in priorities. In fact, for DH & I it was most problematic at a time in our lives where we were on the exact same page about saving/spending - we knew we had $X left over after bills and needed to save $Y towards our goal of buying a house, but with the $Z leftover he wanted to keep golfing the way he did when he was single, while I wanted to spend some on family-oriented activities and let the rest sit in the bank in anticipation of assorted expenses we knew were on the horizon (kids' activity fees, a home inspection, utility deposits, etc). But for us this was pretty early in our marriage and we put it behind us once we were past the transition from single & independent to married with a family (and it was complicated by the fact that it was never just us; our oldest child isn't biologically DH's and was just a toddler when we moved in together).

 

[bumbershoot]

We're better now, more in synch, but it was a long time coming. Then again, neither of us has ever been all that set in our ways in *most* things, and we've taken turns being the spender and the saver. Until 2 years ago.

I really really feel empathy for you, OP, as that's not a fun way to be living.

Well see, you don't get to have fun because you're the grasshopper. You're husband gets to be the ant. Grasshoppers get to work hard, manage the pennies and the dollars and worry about the future. Ants get to have fun.

Wait a minute, I thought it was the opposite.

I bristle at that word too. It reminds me of the old I Love Lucy shows where Ricky was constantly yelling at Lucy for blowing the budget. And Lucy was always scheming her way around his restrictions. I think the OP would be wise to refrain from using that word when discussing money with her husband. Calling it "blow money", "personal discretionary fund" or any other euphemism that works for you.

Using the word "allowance" implies that it is by your goodwill that he has anything at all to spend on himself. You are "allowing" him to have a small amount of spending money. Okay for a 5 year old. Not cool for an adult man.

Or you could think of it as *what your income ALLOWS you to play with*. DH and I each have blow money, but we'd be just as content calling it an allowance. Neither of us is giving it to the other...the income and our plans give that amount to us.

I think how you saw money handled as a child can very much influence how you handle it as an adult.

That can be so true. Right now that's "up" again because of DS's birthday. Both DH and I have dads that would open savings accounts for us, proudly show us the deposit books, and then suddenly there was no talk of the accounts. My dad would just "gaslight" me about it, but DH's mom flat out told him that they'd had to use the account.

With me, it was money my dad was putting in there. But with DH it was ALL, every last bit, of his birthday and other gift money. They hadn't contributed anything. It was HIS money, money that he hadn't been allowed to buy toys/etc with, and they stole it from him.

This birthday was the FIRST time that the suggestion to let DS buy something fun with half, then put the other half into savings, was agreed with. He could finally risk it; he has been so very afraid that one of us would do what our dads did, that he wanted DS to spend it all on fun stuff. I'm glad he trusts us now.

And as far as setting up different accounts, what am I supposed to put in them? We have enough to pay the bills and set a little bit aside for later and eat out a few tmes a month. Thats all! There is not this stash of "extra" to divide up into 2 or 3 accounts.

Bill money in one account, money for later in another, dining out in another.

We have a savings account and his answer for everything is "well take it out of savings". IMO savings is for emergencies, not for when you want to go to the casino and need some extra cash. Any advice for me?...

We have a savings account that I look at as savings, only for emergencies. His answer to everything is "well get it out of savings". Um, its not gonna last forever! Its not for if he feels like going to a concert and needs some extra cash.

What *is* the savings account for?

When DH were just randomly saving, with no goals or purpose, it was spent to zero quite often. We couldn't figure out what it would be used for, and then it just felt useless.

Nowadays, I have the savings account split up. For us, it works to just do this on paper. For *you*, I would do it for real. Lots of people have ING accounts for this, where each category of savings is on its own. I have categories for our small emergency fund, then travel, and then insurance (spent a long 6 months paying the monthly insurance bills AND saving for the the next time insurance came due, so that I could pay the 6 month premium all at once). If I spend something from one of them, I know which one it's from.

So you're saving and saving, and maybe he doesn't know what it's for. Maybe he's afraid that you're going to take it all and leave him someday...people do get scared...for 2 years hubby had a nagging voice in his head saying "Molly's going to take our son to her brother's in Southern California and never come back", because his first wife moved all her stuff "to find a place" in Southern California, and never came back. (he caught on when she asked him to send his computer down, LOL)

Maybe there just needs to be a tiny little bit in there that CAN be spent.

I am just really tired of fighting about it all the time.......

I'm so sorry.

 

[SnowWhite607]

We're better now, more in synch, but it was a long time coming. Then again, neither of us has ever been all that set in our ways in *most* things, and we've taken turns being the spender and the saver. Until 2 years ago.

I really really feel empathy for you, OP, as that's not a fun way to be living.



Wait a minute, I thought it was the opposite.



Or you could think of it as *what your income ALLOWS you to play with*. DH and I each have blow money, but we'd be just as content calling it an allowance. Neither of us is giving it to the other...the income and our plans give that amount to us.



That can be so true. Right now that's "up" again because of DS's birthday. Both DH and I have dads that would open savings accounts for us, proudly show us the deposit books, and then suddenly there was no talk of the accounts. My dad would just "gaslight" me about it, but DH's mom flat out told him that they'd had to use the account.

With me, it was money my dad was putting in there. But with DH it was ALL, every last bit, of his birthday and other gift money. They hadn't contributed anything. It was HIS money, money that he hadn't been allowed to buy toys/etc with, and they stole it from him.

This birthday was the FIRST time that the suggestion to let DS buy something fun with half, then put the other half into savings, was agreed with. He could finally risk it; he has been so very afraid that one of us would do what our dads did, that he wanted DS to spend it all on fun stuff. I'm glad he trusts us now.



Bill money in one account, money for later in another, dining out in another.




What *is* the savings account for?

When DH were just randomly saving, with no goals or purpose, it was spent to zero quite often. We couldn't figure out what it would be used for, and then it just felt useless.

Nowadays, I have the savings account split up. For us, it works to just do this on paper. For *you*, I would do it for real. Lots of people have ING accounts for this, where each category of savings is on its own. I have categories for our small emergency fund, then travel, and then insurance (spent a long 6 months paying the monthly insurance bills AND saving for the the next time insurance came due, so that I could pay the 6 month premium all at once). If I spend something from one of them, I know which one it's from.

So you're saving and saving, and maybe he doesn't know what it's for. Maybe he's afraid that you're going to take it all and leave him someday...people do get scared...for 2 years hubby had a nagging voice in his head saying "Molly's going to take our son to her brother's in Southern California and never come back", because his first wife moved all her stuff "to find a place" in Southern California, and never came back. (he caught on when she asked him to send his computer down, LOL)

Maybe there just needs to be a tiny little bit in there that CAN be spent.





I'm so sorry.

SAVINGS is for....saving. For example.......DD is about to get braces. Savings is for braces (the downpayment anyway, monthly payments can be made out of the household account). Savings is for in case the car breaks down and we need to get to work. Savings is for when DD has to go to the ER and the insurance only pays 80%. (this has happened recently) Savings is for emergencies, extended illness, job loss, etc. It is NOT the entertainment fund. Trust me, he knows what it is for.

 

[cancer_survivor_06]

I am in the same boat right now. I have typed a reply three times now and every time it was so mixed up. I am lacking sleep right now so I will post more tomorrow.

 

[angierae]

This works great when both make the same amount of money. Where it breaks down is if one way out earns the other. The higher earner has far more discretionary money and it can lead to resentment in the future.

When I was in my first marriage and he made 3x as much as I did all the money went into the joint account and then we each got an equal amount of discretionary money for the month.

 

[NYCDiane]

Well, it happened again. Yesterday, there was some issue with his pay not being loaded on to his paycard. Since I handle the finances, I also hold on to the paycard. If he ever got ahold of hit, I might be lucky to get 2/3 of the actual pay. Anyway, I didn't bother checking it online yesterday morning like I usually do (I was running late). After work, I figured I go to the ATM, withdraw the money, and then deposit it in my checking acct.

I get to the ATM and nothing. It says there is a zero balance. I try it again and the same thing. I call him up and he has no idea what's going on. I had printed out the paystub on Wednesday and it showed the amount to be put on the card on Friday. I called customer service and they said they see no pending deposits for the card and we'll have to call his payroll department on Monday. Great.

I tell him this and he says he'll call payroll. I tell him no because I know exactly what's happening with the card, paycheck, etc (and he always screws things up, anyway). He gets mad and says he wants the card back and he's going to get the money each payday. I told him no way, that's not happening and, of course, it proceeded into an argument.

I had to remind him of how badly he messed up our money situation before and that it's not happening again and that I finally have everything in place and being paid on time, I know what's due and when. I told him the bill books are right there and he can see them whenever he feels like it.

He kept insisting on taking the card back (which I didn't give to him) and told him he can have the card back and take care of his money and while he's at it, he can also pack up his things and leave. Now. Of course, he refused to leave.

I know our issues go far beyond this money thing, but the stress of it all is causing my health to decline. I have several medical issues and am also having surgery next month. The last thing I need is stress like this. I really, honestly wish he would just leave.

 

[LovableGluttons]

Well, it happened again. Yesterday, there was some issue with his pay not being loaded on to his paycard. Since I handle the finances, I also hold on to the paycard. If he ever got ahold of hit, I might be lucky to get 2/3 of the actual pay. Anyway, I didn't bother checking it online yesterday morning like I usually do (I was running late). After work, I figured I go to the ATM, withdraw the money, and then deposit it in my checking acct.

I get to the ATM and nothing. It says there is a zero balance. I try it again and the same thing. I call him up and he has no idea what's going on. I had printed out the paystub on Wednesday and it showed the amount to be put on the card on Friday. I called customer service and they said they see no pending deposits for the card and we'll have to call his payroll department on Monday. Great.

I tell him this and he says he'll call payroll. I tell him no because I know exactly what's happening with the card, paycheck, etc (and he always screws things up, anyway). He gets mad and says he wants the card back and he's going to get the money each payday. I told him no way, that's not happening and, of course, it proceeded into an argument.

I had to remind him of how badly he messed up our money situation before and that it's not happening again and that I finally have everything in place and being paid on time, I know what's due and when. I told him the bill books are right there and he can see them whenever he feels like it.

He kept insisting on taking the card back (which I didn't give to him) and told him he can have the card back and take care of his money and while he's at it, he can also pack up his things and leave. Now. Of course, he refused to leave.

I know our issues go far beyond this money thing, but the stress of it all is causing my health to decline. I have several medical issues and am also having surgery next month. The last thing I need is stress like this. I really, honestly wish he would just leave.

I am so sorry.

If he left, could you make it on just your pay?

If not, do you have a plan in place in case he does leave? I hope you do.

Please be careful and try not to let the stress of this affect your health.

 

[NYCDiane]

I am so sorry.

Thank you.

If he left, could you make it on just your pay?

It would be tight, but I could do it.

If not, do you have a plan in place in case he does leave? I hope you do.

If there is a money problem, I know a place where I can get a job 2 or 3 nights a week to supplement my income.

Please be careful and try not to let the stress of this affect your health.

I know I shouldn't let the stress get to me but it really does. I felt it yesterday morning --- my BP was up and my sugar levels were up due to the stress. My head was pounding and I was "off" for a good part of the day.
When things calm down a bit, I'm going to have a talk with him about it and how him causing me this stress is affecting my health.

I really just want him to leave. There is no love left in our relationship and the only thing we have in common is our daughter. Other than that? Nothing.

Thanks again!

 

[LovableGluttons]

I hope you have that talk with him soon, for the sake of your health.