Are you a stay-at-home wife?

[North of Mouse]

There are a lot of us on this thread, though many of us were also SAHMs at one time. Though earlier in the thread it looked like someone thought me having a 22 year old in my home made me a SAHM not a stay at home spouse, so the definitions are definitely muddled.

I've definitely run the complete 'gauntlet'. From early SAHW to many years SAHM, now back to SAHW!!
Still loving it,

 

[kimblebee]

I've been a sahm and for the past year or so I've been a sahw. My daughter is 17 in a few weeks so I don't really consider myself as a sahm. It's way easier on my health if I'm not working but, unfortunately, finances won't let me stay home any more. I'm looking for something very part time so that I can still manage the house like I am now.

I enjoy being the one to do the cooking and cleaning and maintaining of the house to make sure everything runs smoothly. Plus, when I do it, it's done right

 

[Magpie]

I was a stay at home girlfriend for a few years; how's that for inviting judgement?

I'd supported myself independent of my parents from the age of 18, and my boyfriend and I spent the next decade working our tails off to make ends meet. By my late twenties, I'd worked my way into an awesome job where I was making an obscene amount of money -- a job that went out of business without warning literally overnight. So while I found myself unexpectedly unemployed, I was fortunate to have a hefty financial cushion and could take my time looking for the right job, as opposed to needing to take the first low paying employment that came along. I was actively looking, but I wasn't too stressed about needing to find something quickly, so I delved into some projects I'd never had the time for before, we did some traveling, and I was still contributing equally to the bills and expenses from my savings. (We still had separate finances at that point, but we had both alternated taking care of each other financially as the need arose throughout the years prior.) Even though I still intended to return to work, we found that we really enjoyed having more time together, having our evenings and weekends free to relax, etc. And I didn't miss working one bit.

Then, as it is infamous for doing, life threw me a curveball. I found myself in a health crisis that debilitated me physically and mentally. There were weeks on end that I couldn't get off the couch, let alone hold down a job. My medical issues took such a toll on me emotionally that talking about it was the last thing I wanted to do on those rare occasions where I felt well enough to leave the house and socialize, so only those very close to me knew what was going on. To everyone else, I suppose I just looked lazy.

It took about three years for me to get well enough to feel like myself again, and once I felt that I could return to the workforce, neither of us saw the point to it. We'd come to enjoy the benefits of having one partner at home, and by then we had imminent plans to get married and have children. So I used my free time to plan a wedding, go on my honeymoon, and enjoy a relaxed pregnancy where I didn't have to juggle work with morning sickness and prenatal appointments. Now my title is SAHM and, to be honest, my days with the baby are a million times easier than what my days looked like when I was struggling with my health. Though I imagine I have more credibility with the outside observer than I ever did as a "stay at home girlfriend."

You sound a little bit like what I've heard of my brother's girlfriend, who is at home. She apparently quit her job as soon as he got a job that could support them both. Never met her, but they've been together for several years now and my stepmother only has nice things to say about her. She seems to be a lovely person.

 

[North of Mouse]

I enjoy being the one to do the cooking and cleaning and maintaining of the house to make sure everything runs smoothly. Plus, when I do it, it's done right

LOL
I'm the type that would clean the house before the maid would even get here so they wouldn't see my untidy house!!
Dh has told me to have someone come in as often as I'd like, to help me - said, no thanks, I want to clean my on house the way I want, don't want anyone else to do it. I also love to cook and bake. Sure hope I'm always able for it!! Will just have to cross that bridge if/when I have to.

 

[ronandannette]

I am often asked "when are you going back to work?" No IF, when. The look given when the answer is -"probably never" is rarely kind
Luckily i have plenty of nicer people to actually spend time with

Funny how things go, isn't it? When I first went back to work 10 years ago when my DS was still little, practically everybody we knew quietly asked me at one point or another "when are you quitting"? They presumed me working to be just a stop-gap measure until our finances sorted themselves out and honestly, so did I. Now both DH and I are frequently asked "how long until you retire"? by people who aren't familiar with our situation. I've learned to just dodge the questions - I think mostly people don't mean any harm. They're not really judging, just unconsciously projecting their life experiences onto everyone else.

 

[punkin]

I think I'm actually old enough now to start telling people I took early retirement. lol.

 

[SaintsManiac]

I really wish I could quit my job. I don't like it, it exhausts me and then I have all the additions of a school aged child (homework, functions, Girl Scouts) and chores on top it.

We have a 4 year plan to pay off some debts and then I am done. Once a child reaches middle school you are out of options for after care and summer camp. School begins and ends at a different time, also. I'm hoping to find something part time or working from home, so we can at least still afford to go to Disney

I feel like kids need an attentive parent during those difficult transition years, as well. I was a latch key kid and won't do that to my own. If she didn't love summer camp and her after care I would quit now, but luckily she enjoys going there.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...how would everyone here feel if a woman were to say that she was just so 'proud' (or similar word)... actually proud, that her husband made a good amount of money to provide for her the lifestyle to which she is accustomed...

Um, what's wrong with being 'proud' of your spouse (of either gender) for doing well enough in their career that your family has more options? I would think that would be a compliment.

...There always have to be sacrifices. Many families can't afford to have one spouse at home. And while some people may indeed manage to "do it all", most can't.

And no one should be expected to have to do it all! If you're working your butt off all day, you should relax a bit in the evening. It's good for your health, for your relationships, it's just good for everyone...

Exactly! I've often been in awe of people who made super-busy lives look easy. But over the years I've realized that something always "gives". The key is to figure out what you can do without (because that's different for everyone).

Fair enough. That's a big part of why I didn't want to be a working mom - because too often being a working mom means having basically two jobs, and I know my husband and his schedule well enough to know that would have been the case for us (whether I'm home or I'm working, he's got a 60-70 hour workweek and can't guarantee he'll be home at any particular time).

That was one of the deciding factors for us as well. DH had to be available outside of a normal schedule to do the job he was really interested in, so we couldn't divide things equally at home. (Thankfully, I'd rather work only part time and be home more, so it worked out well for us!)

I always did what I felt was best for me and my family at the time I did it. I'm sure everyone else is doing the same.

Good for us all to remember!

 

[DiannaVM]

If I had the option of send kids to public school (I have no faith in the public system here), I would stop working as soon as I had them. At least until they were in high school at an age where they could take care of themselves. I don't think I would have the patience to home-school and quite frankly, as it is right now I am not sure if we would be able to handle it on just DH's salary alone so I would need to at least be doing a side job to help out with the income (in other words, be my own boss).
At the same time though, I could not imagine myself as a stay-at-home wife. A mother yes because I would like the flexibility of being able to be there when the kids need me, but not without kids. I would drive myself crazy trying to figure out what to do with myself. So for now I am quite content working, but I don't know if I could say the same once the kids come.

HOWEVER, obviously if by some miracle my DH started really raking in the big bucks and he offered me the choice to stop working, I would not turn him down Taking care of the home is stressful enough, so I would gladly give up the stress that work brings with it.

 

[lsyorke]

As one who has worked since I was 15, I can't imagine not working. Yup, some of the jobs were horrible, but every one came with learning something new. I was widowed at 50 years old, so if I hadn't had a job/career I would be in a very bad place financially. For those who stay at home, please make sure you have a financial plan for the unexpected.

 

[Magpie]

As one who has worked since I was 15, I can't imagine not working. Yup, some of the jobs were horrible, but every one came with learning something new. I was widowed at 50 years old, so if I hadn't had a job/career I would be in a very bad place financially. For those who stay at home, please make sure you have a financial plan for the unexpected.

Everyone should have a financial plan for the unexpected! Just being employed is not the same as having a plan. And you should also have a plan for what to do with yourself in the event that you can't work outside the home someday.

Having an active and curious mind, and being a lifelong learner, should never be dependent on paid employment, or you may find yourself having a very hard time if (or when!) you are forced to retire.

Edited: typo

 

[disykat]

Lsyorke, I'm sorry for your loss and glad you feel like the choices you have made make it easier for you. Please know that many of us feel like our choices would do the same for us.

I also started working at 15. I feel like my work history has been all about choices and that has been very freeing.

Viva la difference!

 

[MIGrandma]

If you can afford to quit your job and you want to quit, don't worry about what anyone but you and your husband thinks about it! None of their business!

I was a stay-at-home-mom when our children were born, up until our DD was about 8 then I went back to work but only part-time. We could afford it, and I wanted to be home some of the time too. I had been a secretary (in a credit reporting office) when I got married but didn't return to that type of work right away. I took a part-time job as a video store clerk and did that for a few years, then went to work as a part-time church secretary, then spent that last several years of my "working out of the home" career as a waitress in a local diner. I've been retired now for almost 8 years, just turned 60 last month. We have a roof over our head, clothes to wear, food on our table, money saved (and still saving) for retirement, we take vacations when we want to, etc. If we couldn't afford it I would have continued working, but life is too short to do something just because you think you should, if you really don't need to. At our age we want to slow down and smell the roses.

 

[tzolkin]

Everyone should have a financial plan for the unexpected! Just being employed is not the same as having a plan.

I can't emphasize this enough.

It seems like many people's argument for both spouses to work is so they have a way of being self-sufficient in case something happens. However, having worked in financial planning/education, I can assure you that most couples where both spouses are working are spending (almost) all of the money that they are BOTH making, so neither of them would be able to maintain their standard of living on their own. Having a plan makes any tragic situation less stressful and allows you to go into it with appropriate expectations.

 

[wgeo]

When my husband and I first got married we moved across the country for his job and I started looking for work. I had 2 different women ask me so confused why in the world I wanted to work, and didn't I just plan to stay home? It took me by such surprise that I still remember it 17 years later! I did in fact get a job, but then became a SAHM 2 years later when our kids were born. I have essentially been one since then, although I do generally do some sort of part time work that I can do from home. Although we've moved across country 3 times now (all for his job) and after each move I haven't had any kind of income as we adjust to the new place. Due to his job, and the crazy hours he works, and the fact that the loves what he does but it's all consuming we are both happy with this arrangement. I have no plans to return to any kind of outside of the home employment even after the kids leave home.

This works for us, would probably not work for others. It has its advantages and disadvantages just like pretty much every other choice in life. I really wish we could all let people make the decisions that work best for them and not judge them just because they've made a different choice then we would have. Each of our situations is really so unique, it'd be cool if we could be more supportive (as a society) of people in whatever choices they make.