Are you a stay-at-home wife?

[Magpie]

I read many replies from women with children here, but only a few answering the question of the OP. Again, the question was for women who stay home and don't have children. And so, I am still curious.

My gosh...

Okay, I'll bite.

My children are grown. I do not work outside of my home.

Tomorrow I would normally wake up and make hot breakfasts and lunches for my adult daughter and husband, however this week my husband is travelling abroad for work. So, I'll just make lunch for my daughter.

It's not a busy day for me, as there aren't any special errands to run, and I've already finished my canvassing for this month.

So tomorrow morning I will put on music and do my weekly dusting and general tidying of the house. I'll talk to my husband via Skype. I will exercise. I will walk the dog and decide what we're having for dinner. I'll do my grocery shopping. I was thinking I might try out some of Elanor Roosevelt's cookie recipes as long as my husband is out of town (he's on a doctor-prescribed diet right now). I'll spend an hour or so learning Japanese. I'll spend another hour or so working on crafts (I'm building up stock for sale in the spring). I'll check these boards while I eat lunch. I'll brush the dog. I'll play a game and check in with my social network online. See what's happening in the world. Finally, I'll make sure I have everything in order for this afternoon's students.

3pm, my first student will arrive. I'll spend an hour teaching her reading.

4:30, another student will show up at my door. Another hour of teaching.

5:30, it's time to make dinner. Normally, it'd be a bit of a rush to get it on the table by the time my husband gets home, but without him home things will be a little more laid back.

Then, in the evening, I would usually spend time with him. We watch TV, go for a walk after dinner, talk about the day and turn in early to bed. But instead, I'll do something with my daughter. She's mentioned wanting to make tea muffins with me, so we'll probably do that. She's also got a podcast she wants me to hear. I can work on more of my crafts while I listen.

Before bed, I'll read.

Tomorrow will be a very laid back day. I'm looking forward to it!

Life is good.

 

[Saphire]

Well that sounds like a lovely day Magpie. But you do have a child that still lives in the home and you are working part time. The OP was asking about life as a STAHW (no children or job).

 

[superme80]

I have a friend who is stay at home wife. She gets up when she feels like it, cleans her apartment, runs errands, visits her family, helps her in laws, cooks, and reads. She is insanely busy with family things and errands for her home. We only get together ever couple of months due to her schedule. She is very happy with her life. She has been married for almost 4 years. They plan on having kids eventually.

 

[Magpie]

Well that sounds like a lovely day Magpie. But you do have a child that still lives in the home and you are working part time. The OP was asking about life as a STAHW (no children or job).

The thing is, my "child" is an adult and requires no parenting any more.

And, with regards to the tutoring, I'm entirely self-employed. I teach children to read for a minimal fee, because I enjoy it. It's not a "job" in any traditional sense. It'd be no different if I spent those same two hours each day quilting (if that happened to be my passion), or writing novels (did that, actually!). Heck, I'd probably make more money selling quilts than I do teaching kids to read!

If hobbies (like teaching the neighbourhood kids) count as jobs, then I'd wager almost all SAHW are employed in one way or another.

 

[JaneBanks]

I don't have any children. I sit home and eat bon bons all day.

 

[disykat]

Hey, it sounds like I fit the SAHM definition since our 22 year old is temporarily living at home! Hmm. Not sure if that keeps me any busier though. He just finished all the pruning I was planning on getting done this week.

 

[tasha99]

My stepmother was a SAHM, but now all her kids are grown (youngest is 28). She is one of the busiest people I know. When a neighbor child broke her femur, stepmom was in there, helping the family with babysitting twice a week so that mom could get a break. Dad and SM live outside city limits, so they don't have regular police/fire. SM sits on the fire board, making decisions about contracts with city fire departments. She sings in a choir, volunteers in her grandkids' schools, has taught Sunday school (but doesn't now, I think), travels (sometimes without my dad, who is done with that). . . She gets more accomplished than a lot of people with more traditional jobs, but it's all whatever works for her and my dad. They do eat really well, as she's a gourmet cook.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Hi OP---I think I mostly fit the definition of what you were asking for (though the recent PP would disagree since one of my grown children still livs in our house).

I don't do anything that generates income at this point (a few years ago I did tutor kids at the international school, but the scheduling hassel just wasn't worth it). But I do a lot of things.

We chased DH'S career through 5 states and then another country---and he travels 80% of work days. He and I both agree that had he stayed mostly put (so I could also have my career), our combined incomes would not be, at best, 75% of what his one is now. But money isn't everything and had I been unhappy moving often or without a career that would not have happened as it did---we always make decisions like that as a team (likewise, if he found being the sole financial support too stressful that is not how we'd do things). Funny thing is, I often feel like I have to explain that (here included) but I don't know why? I shouldn't have to defend our choices in our relationship so long as they are not impacting others negatively. And yet, there it is---I usually do feel i have to "justify" the financial aspect for some reason. sigh.

Anyway---the least busy time in my married life was the couple of years I worked as a librarian (half time). I ended up getting roped into far fewer things and found saying no easier when I was asked.

People tend to assume becuase I do not have a paying job I'm not busy. I do get the occasional calm, easy days and I am actively working on having fewer obligations so I can have more of those and more easily travel with my DH when he travels for work (ie, nearly always!) but I am not there yet, and seem even busier in the transition---as I have already taken on roles I can do more remotely for the Girl Scouts, etc but haven't succeeded in handing off the "in person" roles yet as I had hoped.

So, this week, for example: I just got back from a 3 day Girl Scout training about a 5 hour drive from here. This morning, once I am awake enough to be coherent, I'll email the system admins about all the issues our local GS community is having with the new online system so it can be fixed. And I'll email any parents who haven't yet sent in permission for tomorrow's field trip and try to get that. I'll place a patch order and do some other housekeeping type stuff for the local scouts. I'm also a delegate to the upcomming Girl Scout convention and need to listen to the webinar that happened last week while I was driving to trianing so I am caught up there.
I should also check the schedule for the other things I volunteer with and see if we've covered having peopele there to teach yoga for our classes for incomming refugees and if not see if I can fill one of the slots----this used to be a short bike ride for me, but we moved and now it is rather far---I love doing it but need to work my way out of this obligation becuase it is an hour of volunteering but close to 3 hours commute with train and bus and walking or biking now--no a good use of my time. sigh.
Later this morning, DH has to have a shot in his back (ongoing series) that he is not allowed to drive after, so I'll go with him for that. With commute, time at the doctor, etc that is going to take 2-3 hours from the day.
Other than that thigns are pretty calm. DH is home tonight so I'll cook something semi real for dinner (if it is just me I often just have some sliced fruit and lunch meat or some such). I'll need to pick up groceries, do laundry and general stuff everyone does today.

Tomorrow I run DH to the airport and then have physical therapy. Then I'll finish prepping thigns for the first GS meeting of the year. We have girls in four levels who carry passports from 7 nations between them (many are dual citizens) so it takes a lot of planning to make sure everyone can be engaged and eanring things! In the afternoon I'll head half an hour South and run some errands in the city (I need to pick up a custom t-shirt order, for scouts of course!), and then lead out first scout meeting of the year in teh city before heading back north to home.

I might pick up crappy fast food for dinner since I won't be home before 7:30ish and it'll be just me. If DS were home, he'd throw something together and have it ready when I got back (one reason I don't consider having him still live at home as making me a SAHM---he does just as much for me as the other way around!). DS is on a team buiding trip as part of his apprenticeship this week, so that won't happen., thus the crappy fast food thought.

I honestly haven't thought past Tuesday to know how the rest of the week will go, but the above is pertty typical for me. There always seems to be a few things that need doing.

((full disclosure: I only read the first couple of pages and the last page---seemed it was back to wanting to hear from at home wives, so I threw my 2 cents in---sorry if I missed the topic straying further afield))

 

[NHdisneylover]

Good points. Our income tax is likely as high as yours but from what I understand your property taxes are breathtaking. Property taxes are municipal here, some higher and some lower, but nothing like the 10's of 1,000's I've seen mentioned. For example, on (give or take) a $500,000 home here, we pay $2,200 per year in tax. And the rate is based solely on assessed value, so it doesn't matter what kind of property you have, or where it's located etc. (other than how those things may influence an appraisal).

Our freedom from the burden of health insurance is another huge reason our circumstances are different. If we had to account for hundreds or even thousands of dollars per month to buy insurance, over the course of our lifetime, well, let's just say the impact of that would substantially change our lives.

Here in Germany, we pay a large tax when we buy property (and you need cash for that, no loan, makes getting started a bit rough---I thinkwe paid 35,000€ in tax when we bought our flat) but year to year property tax is quite low---which is great for people who pay off their homes before retiring; they can afford to stay in it. Just last month we got the estimate of what our yearly property tax on our 860 sq ft condo will be: 72€ a year!

 

[piccolopat]

Exactly what "marketable skills" do you think every person should have?

Is there a list somewhere?

Since you included working within the home, as well as paid employment outside of the home, and volunteering, and "other opportunities", I think we're talking in circles here. Because I've got all kinds of interesting skills, as do most stay-at-home wives. As, in fact, do most other human beings, currently employed or not.

No one's suggesting it's a great idea to park oneself on the couch, watch soap operas and eat bon-bons all day. Obviously, everyone should strive to live a life in which they are active and engaged and learning new things. And - for me! - one of the really nice things about being a SAHW, is I do have a lot of time to dedicate to various personal projects.

My husband and I, after much discussion, made a conscious, deliberate decision about what we wanted our life to look like. We didn't "wing it".

I think you misunderstood my "winging it" comment. It was not about the decision to be a SAHM or SAHW/H. It was about having a plan for the SAH person to be financially independent in the case of death, disability, divorce, medical catastrophe, etc. No, there isn't a list of marketable skills as that depends on what field you would want to work in if you had to work. I don't doubt you have interesting skills. If you're comfortable that those can lead to gainful employment if absolutely necessary, then I am happy for you.

 

[Magpie]

I think you misunderstood my "winging it" comment. It was not about the decision to be a SAHM or SAHW/H. It was about having a plan for the SAH person to be financially independent in the case of death, disability, divorce, medical catastrophe, etc. No, there isn't a list of marketable skills as that depends on what field you would want to work in if you had to work. I don't doubt you have interesting skills. If you're comfortable that those can lead to gainful employment if absolutely necessary, then I am happy for you.

We've always had a plan for me to be financially independent in the case of death, disability, divorce, medical catastrophe, etc. And I don't think this plan is necessary just for SAH people. I think everyone should have a plan like this. Always keeping in mind, of course, that even with that, there's no guarantees. I've seen gainfully employed people get the rug pulled out from under them, too.

And, realistically, short of a complete governmental meltdown and economic collapse, I've arrived in a place now where I'll never need to find paid employment, no matter what happens. Divorce, disability or death, I'm taken care of. I actually attended an informational retirement seminar about it, not long ago (my husband's retirement, not mine, obviously). We got lucky, yes, but it seems we also chose well, when it came to making those big life decisions.

 

[tzolkin]

The topic here is women without children that stay home. I respectfully am curious about it. Children bring an enormous amount of business and activity into a family. But without them, I remain curious as to how the time is filled.

Now I understand about hobbies, volunteer work, and self-fulfillment activites, but it *seems* there would still be a lot of time left in a week. Just because I am asking does not mean I am judging.

Whether there is time left over or not depends on how much you are doing. Many people volunteer more hours than a full time job.

I do still have two kids at home, but honestly that probably keeps me LESS busy because I have to plan my activities around their schedules do I am home to supervise if they have friends over or need to be driven somewhere.

I volunteer in many capacities-- church, schools, soup kitchens, hospital, nursing home, fundraising, etc. I also have dogs (and no yard) so that takes a good amount of time-- a minimum of two hours of walking, plus training classes (we volunteer as therapy dogs), going to the dog park, grooming, preparing food (allergies) etc. I also cook a lot. It's pretty easy to fill up an entire work day-- actually, I can never fit everything into 8 hours.

That said, I don't think I need to worry about having to be busy all the time. Free time would be lovely. Being home gives me the flexibility to help others when the need arises. Little things like helping a neighbor or picking up a friend's sick kid from school. I have also been fortunate to travel when a family member has needed care for several weeks (surgery, cancer, etc).

So, honestly if I somehow wind up with an extra hour here or there during the day to relax, I certainly don't feel guilty about it or feel like I need to justify how I spend my time to anyone.

 

[DawnM]

We've always had a plan for me to be financially independent in the case of death, disability, divorce, medical catastrophe, etc. And I don't think this plan is necessary just for SAH people. I think everyone should have a plan like this. Always keeping in mind, of course, that even with that, there's no guarantees. I've seen gainfully employed people get the rug pulled out from under them, too.

And, realistically, short of a complete governmental meltdown and economic collapse, I've arrived in a place now where I'll never need to find paid employment, no matter what happens. Divorce, disability or death, I'm taken care of. I actually attended an informational retirement seminar about it, not long ago (my husband's retirement, not mine, obviously). We got lucky, yes, but it seems we also chose well, when it came to making those big life decisions.

You and your husband have a written plan in case of divorce?

DH has said I would be taken care of for death and he does have some sort of disability insurance, but I didn't get married until age 29 and started working full time at 22. So I did have a career to fall back on. But I will also admit I enjoy working outside the home and am glad I can do it again.

 

[Magpie]

You and your husband have a written plan in case of divorce?

DH has said I would be taken care of for death and he does have some sort of disability insurance, but I didn't get married until age 29 and started working full time at 22. So I did have a career to fall back on. But I will also admit I enjoy working outside the home and am glad I can do it again.

Written, no. But, I am aware of my legal rights, both as they existed when we first married and as they currently exist after almost 25 years together. At this point, if we divorce, I get half his pension. It's essentially automatic, though there are some subtleties that would require a lawyer to sort out (ie, in some provinces I could get more than 50%, or he could even choose to sign the entire thing over to me, though why he'd do that I have no idea). It's more than enough to live on comfortably.

I was 23 when we married, 24 when I had my first child, and 25 when I had my second. All I had to fall back on was some retail experience and a few years in the military Reserves, so I never had any sense that I was giving anything up. Given how low my earning potential was, and how comparatively high his was, it just made sense to have me stay home. And then later, when the kids were finally both in school (I homeschooled for awhile), we talked about it and discovered that it still made good sense to have me home.

 

[PollyannaMom]

The topic here is women without children that stay home. I respectfully am curious about it. Children bring an enormous amount of business and activity into a family. But without them, I remain curious as to how the time is filled.

Now I understand about hobbies, volunteer work, and self-fulfillment activites, but it *seems* there would still be a lot of time left in a week. Just because I am asking does not mean I am judging.

"Work expands to fill the time available."

Full disclosure - I am not the exact target of the question, as I do have a teenage son, but I feel the thread has grown enough to welcome general related discussion, and I am already thinking about what I will do in a couple of years when he's off to college.

I have worked full time, stayed home, and worked part time during my marriage. Currently, I am only working at my substitute teaching job a couple of days a week but am helping family members with child care a couple of other days - so I am gone from home a lot more than I used to be as a SAHM. I've noticed a significant drop in the time I spend on housework, hobbies, etc.

I used to do a lot of scrapbooking, for instance, I had well-tended flower beds, and I cleaned more often. Lately I do the minimum amount of cleaning necessary, let the flower beds go more "natural" and run the photos as a screen saver instead of getting them in books. If I had more time, those things would easily fill back in, as would volunteering, more time spent reading, and several home improvement and organization projects on my list.

 

[DawnM]

Written, no. But, I am aware of my legal rights, both as they existed when we first married and as they currently exist after almost 25 years together. At this point, if we divorce, I get half his pension. It's essentially automatic, though there are some subtleties that would require a lawyer to sort out (ie, in some provinces I could get more than 50%, or he could even choose to sign the entire thing over to me, though why he'd do that I have no idea). It's more than enough to live on comfortably.

I was 23 when we married, 24 when I had my first child, and 25 when I had my second. All I had to fall back on was some retail experience and a few years in the military Reserves, so I never had any sense that I was giving anything up. Given how low my earning potential was, and how comparatively high his was, it just made sense to have me stay home. And then later, when the kids were finally both in school (I homeschooled for awhile), we talked about it and discovered that it still made good sense to have me home.

Now if you divorce I guess you are ok. I just know some who divorced when their kids were really young and had young kids at home and no real resources. Legally they got some, but not enough to really live off of. And no job to fall back on. Some moved back in with parents and others floundered a while.

It made me glad I did have a way to support myself, even though I too am of the "divorce isn't an option" crowd. And disability for injury or illness only goes so far.

I went back to work last year and there are two huge reasons. One is to allow my kids to not worry about college and the other is to get my full pension. Personally I would feel a little vulnerable without some way to make money if necessary.

 

[erin1715]

I just want to jump back in, as the OP, and say I really appreciate reading ALL of the opinions and different lifestyles. I think this thread is quite interesting! And I'm jealous hearing about those who get to stay at home! Haha. I appreciate all the feedback. If I ever make the choice to stay home, I'll be sure to update!

 

[Magpie]

Now if you divorce I guess you are ok. I just know some who divorced when their kids were really young and had young kids at home and no real resources. Legally they got some, but not enough to really live off of. And no job to fall back on. Some moved back in with parents and others floundered a while.

It made me glad I did have a way to support myself, even though I too am of the "divorce isn't an option" crowd. And disability for injury or illness only goes so far.

I went back to work last year and there are two huge reasons. One is to allow my kids to not worry about college and the other is to get my full pension. Personally I would feel a little vulnerable without some way to make money if necessary.

Given that all I had going into marriage was some retail experience and a few years in the military reserves, if we'd divorced when the kids were babies I wouldn't have been much worse off. My husband would have had to pay maintenance for the kids, some limited bit of support to me, and I'd have just as much ability to find a job as I did before they were born.

I would have cut off my own feet before moving back in with my mom. "Floundering" might've happened, sure, but I'm quite confident in young-me's ability to research resources, find help, find employment, and bounce back.

As for university... for many years we put money aside in RESPs and investments. Our daughter is on track to graduate debt-free with a decent chunk in her bank account thanks to her internships. My son chose to move out, which burned through the money we had saved for him faster, so he's taken out some loans and will need a job to complete his final year. I don't mind that he has to take a bit of responsibility for paying for his own education. And the way the educational grant and loan system works here, I'd actually be costing us money by working at this point.

 

[erin1715]

I find this confusing. Wouldn't you working have made the saving for the adoption a lot quicker? The $25,000 could easily have been earned in one year of working if you went from not working to working. Sorry this jumped out a me as I read your response.

Not specific to the above quoted post - I think there is a difference between SAHP and SAHW. One is raising children and one is not. This thread is about the latter not the former.

And about Ireland's married women not being able to work until the 1970s - fascinating. I never knew that. Wow. My grandmother worked from the time her kids were in school until her retirement around age 60. That was in the 1950s onwards. She was a married women. My grandfather was just never a big earner.

Yes, if I were working we could have saved money toward adoption quicker, however, having zero job skills would net me a minimum wage job with no vacation time and I'd most likely need to work weekends and evenings (thus never seeing my husband). The biggest reason why I didn't work during all of this time was that we couldn't foresee our infertility struggles years ahead. No one thought 11 years later we'd still be childless (including reproductive endocrinologists), so while we were still trying to conceive we were also setting money aside for adoption in case we went that route. Had I known 10 years ago I wouldn't be able to carry a pregnancy to term, yes, I would have worked. Adoption wasn't our plan from the beginning, it evolved into that because that could be the only way for us to have a child. During all of those years we kept trying to have a child, over and over, and losing every pregnancy.[/QUOTE]

Replying to the bolded: I just wanted to reply specifically to your post because it sounds like you and I have been through similar fertility struggles. We've been married almost 13 years and haven't been able to have children even with the help of a few reproductive endocrinologists. Adoption is too expensive for us, and so we're getting comfortable with the idea of liking things the way they are. Just wanted to send you hugs, and know that you aren't alone. And it's helpful to know that I'm not alone too!

 

[quandrea]

Yes, if I were working we could have saved money toward adoption quicker, however, having zero job skills would net me a minimum wage job with no vacation time and I'd most likely need to work weekends and evenings (thus never seeing my husband). The biggest reason why I didn't work during all of this time was that we couldn't foresee our infertility struggles years ahead. No one thought 11 years later we'd still be childless (including reproductive endocrinologists), so while we were still trying to conceive we were also setting money aside for adoption in case we went that route. Had I known 10 years ago I wouldn't be able to carry a pregnancy to term, yes, I would have worked. Adoption wasn't our plan from the beginning, it evolved into that because that could be the only way for us to have a child. During all of those years we kept trying to have a child, over and over, and losing every pregnancy.

Replying to the bolded: I just wanted to reply specifically to your post because it sounds like you and I have been through similar fertility struggles. We've been married almost 13 years and haven't been able to have children even with the help of a few reproductive endocrinologists. Adoption is too expensive for us, and so we're getting comfortable with the idea of liking things the way they are. Just wanted to send you hugs, and know that you aren't alone. And it's helpful to know that I'm not alone too![/QUOTE]


I lived this too and I know how hard it is to be thrown for a loop where family planning is concerned. I lost sixteen babies in between my first child (who was also hard to conceive ) and my twins. They never could find out what was wrong and I conceived my twins naturally and by accident. While trying to conceive my first, work was so hard when coupled with fertility treatments. It was very difficult to work when I just wanted to be home raising my future child. Good luck to you. I hope you get the family you want. I would suggest perhaps some education in the meantime. It will occupy your time and mind and maybe you'll find a passion for a new field that you'd never considered. As you mentioned before, fostering may also be very rewarding. I consider that for myself once the kids are grown.