Are you a playdate family?

[busyshrew]

First of all, I'm a very proud Canadian (14!!! Gold!!!! Hockeeeey!!!). I'm not sure I'm getting the "Canadian" reference .

You seem to be asking, what is the benefit or difference of having home playdates?

I touched on it briefly, but I'd like a chance to restate. First of all, let me say that to me a "playdate" means the child comes over / goes over without their own parent.

Secondly, I believe that the type of play that occurs on playdates is vastly different from the play a child encounters at school. At least, the type of play SHOULD be different from the play done at school.

At home, I am there to supervise, but I do not follow my daughter around from room to room. I don't set out toys or projects. At home, the playtime is of a much longer duration and there are no rules about how and how long any particular toys or props are used. At home, I don't step in to resolve squabbles. I can pull my daughter aside and make suggestions, but I try not to interfere.

The benefits? My daughter is developing a very strong sense of independence and confidence in herself. Her social skills are very good, she is becoming a good problem-solver and a skilled negotiator (especially with her doting daddy ). To put it into "pop-psycho-babble-speak", these unstructured playtimes are helping my daughter develop her EQ and to me, that's vitally important.

 

[Tiger926]

Hi Tiger!

I don't think my kid (now 5) has ever had a true planned "playdate". My definition of playdate = setting a time in advance for another child or children (and probably their mothers) to come over and play with my kid. Never really did that. We did a lot of interacting at Moms club events and preschool, but we never really had many playdates.

Right now, the only kid he really has over to play is the little girl next door. Her mom and I have known each other for 10 years, so we are comfortable letting our kids play together and I'm comfortable explaining our house rules to her DD just as she is comfortable explaining her rules to my DS. If one of the kids chooses to ignore those rules, they go back home. Easy to do when you live right next door!

Now that he is getting older and will be making more friends at school, I hope to invite a friend over from time to time to play for a few hours. I guess I don't consider that a playdate. Playdate seems to imply toddlers to me.

I want to be a house where kids feel comfortable coming to play. I want my kid and his friends to "hang out" at our house. So, I'm trying to establish that early. So, if your definition of playdate includes school age kids coming over to play for the day or even sleeping over, then I guess I want to be a playdate family. But I will be selective of kids that are invited over and I will expect that visiting kids obey my rules. If they can't do that, then we won't be able to invite them back!

Hi! I guess I assumed that everyone had the same definition of playdate - around here, we call them playdates until you're like 12! LOL! So, I meant playdate family as in, you have regular times (each week), where you have kids over, or, your child is going to other people's houses. It's interesting to see the responses, as I honestly can't imagine how some families have the time for that. And, like I said, my DD has a small circle of friends - she attends their birthday parties as much as possible, and plays with them each day at school, or, in the neighborhood, depending upon the weather, but we don't do the whole scheduling thing that my nieces are doing at 9.5 and 11 years of age. Even my DD at 6 needs to be supervised at times - if her sugar gets low, the monster comes out, and sharing becomes an issue! Like I said, DH and I don't go out with friends either, as we just don't have time (he works a couple of nights each week and every other weekend at the office), so there aren't lots of invites. We have a very small circle of friends who we keep in regular contact with by email, phone, attending birthday parties, etc., but we don't schedule regular, weekly times either.

Hope your scrappin' is going well! Tiger

 

[badblackpug]

I think the situation is clearer now. I think you really need to work on being more assertive. I realize it's awkward disciplining children in front of their parents, but most parents will take the hint then discipline their own child. I always phrase it like this "Susie, please get down. We don't jump on the furniture in our house." Usually the parent, if they are present will get the hint and get the child down. If they don't, I guess you could just ask the parent to please get the child. Same goes for off limits rooms, but rather than tell the kids where they can't play, tell them where they can. "I want you girls to play in either the family room or Cindy's bedroom, the other rooms are not play rooms and are off limits." Most kids will follow the rules if they know what they are. (of course some parents are just clueless in the case of my cousins whose kids ran willy-nilly through my house and climbed over the back of my sofa, played in our home office and shredded things and left the shredder running, and locked the bathroom door from the inside, all while their parents sat on the couch and watched!) Also, you have to be prepared to end the "date" if the rules aren't followed.

Around here as the kids get older it's less of a scheduled thing, and it happens more often, as the kids don't require the constant supervision a younger one would. It's more along the line of "Can I go over so-and-so's house?" With the 13 year old it's more of a case of the other girl just comes home with my daughter and her parents pick her up at a pre-arranged time, or vice versa. The are "supposed" to being doing homework together!

 

[casper_jj11]

Well, not sure about the Canadian thing, since we're Canadian too and do have play dates.

Hi! Just wanted to clarify that when I said it being a Canadian thing, I just mean the term "playdate family" and not whether you liked/hosted playdates or not

 

[FoundMyPrince]

We are not a playdate family (my kids are 2 and 6 years old) - we don't like playdates for many reasons: different eating habits, discipline, cleaning routines, illness, toy issues, pets (we have allergies), liability issues, etc. Anyone else feel the same? That being said, my eldest child, DD6.5 does struggle when others come here as she is very organized and neat like myself, and to be honest, most kids (my nieces included) don't know how to play, make messes, break toys, etc. So, despite these other kids having lots of playdate experiences, they still don't know how to play. I actually have taught both of my children how to play, and this is the key to the puzzle, IMHO. So many parents use playdates as a way to teach their kids how to play, and it isn't anywhere near enough, as far as I'm concerned.

As a teacher, I totally get that there are some positives to playdates, but for us, we don't care for them. I much prefer my kids play outside in our backyard on our play structure, than go to someone else's house. I also don't care for kids to play at our house should they get hurt - it's a big responsibility to watch over somebody else's kids. My best friend schedules more playdates and attends more birthday parties than anyone I know - it's a busy schedule, and it's just not for us.

My nieces are older, 11 and 9, and have started going on lots of playdates each weekend, and they are getting sick a lot, and bringing it to the rest of us. Not to mention, they are then crabby for dinner at my parent's/uncle's house (we eat together as a large family each Sunday) as they are tired, and I have to deal with them causing problems with my kids, not listening, etc. I do understand how important playing with friends is at this older age, but my kids are still really young, and so I don't think that playdates are the only way to go at this stage. For my nieces, it is a very important part of their development, but my kids are still young, and so I don't think we need a houseful of friends multiple times per week, nor do we have time for it, to be honest.

Just wondering if anyone else feels the same way - my kids have been in Montessori school since 12 months, so they get lots of socialization in this respect, plus they do different extra-curriculars, go on vacations regularly, eat out in restaurants, etc. I am wondering how other families play, with younger kids like mine, and do you parents feel that playing is the only way to socialize or culturalize your children? If you do have playdates, when do you have them - weekends, weeknights?

Just wondering how other families do it? Tiger

I've read all the posts and frankly, it sounds like there is a big control issue here. You don't want another child coming in and disrupting your routine. The other kid might be sick, break a toy, or break and leg and sue. Sounds like you have a life that you enjoy and is working for your kids, for now. So I wouldn't worry about having children over if you are content with playing with your children or being the only one to teach them how to play properly.

 

[Tiger926]

First of all, I'm a very proud Canadian (14!!! Gold!!!! Hockeeeey!!!). I'm not sure I'm getting the "Canadian" reference .

You seem to be asking, what is the benefit or difference of having home playdates?

I touched on it briefly, but I'd like a chance to restate. First of all, let me say that to me a "playdate" means the child comes over / goes over without their own parent.

Secondly, I believe that the type of play that occurs on playdates is vastly different from the play a child encounters at school. At least, the type of play SHOULD be different from the play done at school.

At home, I am there to supervise, but I do not follow my daughter around from room to room. I don't set out toys or projects. At home, the playtime is of a much longer duration and there are no rules about how and how long any particular toys or props are used. At home, I don't step in to resolve squabbles. I can pull my daughter aside and make suggestions, but I try not to interfere.

The benefits? My daughter is developing a very strong sense of independence and confidence in herself. Her social skills are very good, she is becoming a good problem-solver and a skilled negotiator (especially with her doting daddy ). To put it into "pop-psycho-babble-speak", these unstructured playtimes are helping my daughter develop her EQ and to me, that's vitally important.

Someone made reference to the Canadian thing in terms of the definition of a playdate. It seems we all have different defintions - around here it can mean with the parents (most of the playdates are with parents, actually), or without. I guess that depends upon many factors...it's interesting to see the responses in regards to this.

Social skills are always something that we are working on around here, as we believe you should always be mindful of them. We are finding though, that many kids, and the parents are not. We've had parents make their kids lie about being sick, and then passed it to our kids, we've had situations where they assured us that there were healthy snacks and that we didn't need to send our own (we do anyway as they have low blood sugar), and there was just junk food to eat, and we've lots of instances with messy and destructive kids. We do put special toys away, and that seems to help a bit, but we've had instances where other stuff is broken during the playdate, and then my daughter is coming to me with a pile of stuff to put away. LOL! This is always a work in progress, and is a good skill that playdates provide, but with our younger kids ages, and our limited schedules, we find that playdates are a lot of work, at this stage, and they shouldn't be. Plus, I'm not sure that the stress of it all is worth it...I guess if we were used to regular playdates, then it wouldn't be a problem, maybe we'd be more used to the whole idea of it?

Thanks, Tiger

 

[jodifla]

Someone made reference to the Canadian thing in terms of the definition of a playdate. It seems we all have different defintions - around here it can mean with the parents (most of the playdates are with parents, actually), or without. I guess that depends upon many factors...it's interesting to see the responses in regards to this.

Social skills are always something that we are working on around here, as we believe you should always be mindful of them. We are finding though, that many kids, and the parents are not. We've had parents make their kids lie about being sick, and then passed it to our kids, we've had situations where they assured us that there were healthy snacks and that we didn't need to send our own (we do anyway as they have low blood sugar), and there was just junk food to eat, and we've lots of instances with messy and destructive kids. We do put special toys away, and that seems to help a bit, but we've had instances where other stuff is broken during the playdate, and then my daughter is coming to me with a pile of stuff to put away. LOL! This is always a work in progress, and is a good skill that playdates provide, but with our younger kids ages, and our limited schedules, we find that playdates are a lot of work, at this stage, and they shouldn't be. Plus, I'm not sure that the stress of it all is worth it...I guess if we were used to regular playdates, then it wouldn't be a problem, maybe we'd be more used to the whole idea of it?

Thanks, Tiger

Frankly, I think you are overthinking it. Also, your posts make the playdates all about you. The playdates are about your KIDS.

Our playdates tend to be Wednesday and Fridays from 4:30 to about 6 p.m. The kids live over a couple of streets. Not that big a deal. Sometimes, they even eat dinner here.

 

[Tiger926]

Frankly, I think you are overthinking it. Also, your posts make the playdates all about you. The playdates are about your KIDS.

Our playdates tend to be Wednesday and Fridays from 4:30 to about 6 p.m. The kids live over a couple of streets. Not that big a deal. Sometimes, they even eat dinner here.

No, sorry you get this impression. Like I said, my DH and do everything with our kids, so it's all about the kids around here. I would only have a playdate at this time of day in the summer, when school is out. We don't get home from school until between 4:00-4:30, and then it's snack time, and some homework. Then it's dinnertime, and bed by 8:00. Not sure of the ages of your kids, but as my kids get older, they will be able to play at this time of day, but not at this stage. During the spring/fall, we do play outside at this time of day, but usually kids are very tired, so we have a bit of downtime to eat snacks, talk about day, plan outfits and get dinner ready. It all really depends upon the family schedule.

Thanks, Tiger

 

[Mouse House Mama]

As a teacher, I love kid things, so my friends say that our house is so full of kid friendly stuff! Not meant to sound snooty at all - all it means with being a Montessori family is that our house is kid friendly with bins, hooks, lot of activities. Someone mentioned that maybe house isn't kid friendly, or to have things at their level, I think? Sorry, I assume that everyone knows how the Montessori philosophy works - not saying it's the best way, it's just how our home is structured for our kids. It's never my intention to insult or judge others. It's just a way to better explain the situations that my kids experience on a daily basis in terms of how our house is structured - lots of bins, activity areas, etc. like at school, as it works very well, as my kids are very self-sufficient in this respect, and they can never claim boredom as there are a multitude of things to do. Sorry about that.

I haven't taught creativity either - both of my kids are very creative and sit for hours playing together with minimal supervision: they play school, Disney World, restaurant, hotel, arts/crafts, doctor, etc. This is something that we don't force at all - as a teacher, I'm all about creativity! Sorry if I confused you.

Thanks, Tiger

No sweat, I get what you mean now. We must have been posting at the same time because I read what you said about some of the playdates you have had. I too have had some kids here that will no longer be invited back. I know what you mean by having a bratty kid over. Not all kids are like that though I promise you. There are some kids that I love having over, others I could do without but nothing so terrible that I cannot stand them.

 

[princessmom29]

I hate the whole "playdate" concept. When did we start having to schedule our kid's playtime a week in advance??? My DD doesn't do playdates, quite frankly because it is difficult for us to schedule like that. She plays with the neighbor kids in the yard,their yard ect, and plays with the neighborhood kids at my parents when we are there on the weekends. I don't think scheduled "playdates" are necessary. We have enough scheduling in our life betwenn school and dance classes without adding multiple playdates every week. In our school it seems to be more SAHM's with time on their hands that are into the "playdate" thing than working moms already keeping a tight schedule.

 

[Tiger926]

No sweat, I get what you mean now. We must have been posting at the same time because I read what you said about some of the playdates you have had. I too have had some kids here that will no longer be invited back. I know what you mean by having a bratty kid over. Not all kids are like that though I promise you. There are some kids that I love having over, others I could do without but nothing so terrible that I cannot stand them.

See, you bring up a good point. Is is it fair that we've limited playdates because of these bad experiences? This is what DH and I are discussing. I'll admit it's much easier in the summer, as the weather is great, but around here in winter, it's cold and gloomy, so playdates have to be inside, and this is where the concern lies.

Thanks for the discussion, Tiger

 

[emma'smom]

We love play dates. Sometimes they involve the whole family going to another family's house for dinner. Kid's play outside or play areas (basement, bedrooms, etc) and parent's socialize too. Sometimes its just "call a friend" an and make arrangements for one child to come over. Sometimes it's mommy and kids outings (like to the pool in the summer). Most times its kids knocking on our door wanting to play. They either come inside, dd's go outside or over to other houses...pretty soon there's a gaggle of them in and out. My dd's are 7 and 4.

Dd 4 mostly just does mommy/child play dates or next door or down the street on her own to someone else's house planned in advance. If she's with dd7, she joins the neighborhood gaggle (as long as they are on this side of the street).

As for messiness, I really don't get worked up about it. My house is clean, but there are lots of toys/games. We turned the dining room into a play-room where they can work on art projects and have a basement playroom for the big toys. I like having my kids around and listening to their activities with their friends---so I say the more the merrier and the mess that comes with it is fine! Sometimes I find the neighbor kids playing in the play room and my kids are still running around outside! I do ask everyone to pick up when they leave---but sometimes it is done better than other times. We pick it all up at some point and then start over the next day.

However, I figure once they are grown...I'll have plenty of time to sit in a clean, quiet house and wish it was filled with childhood laughter again---so I'll enjoy the fingerprints and dollhouse parts all over the floor while I can.

 

[Tiger926]

I hate the whole "playdate" concept. When did we start having to schedule our kid's playtime a week in advance??? My DD doesn't do playdates, quite frankly because it is difficult for us to schedule like that. She plays with the neighbor kids in the yard,their yard ect, and plays with the neighborhood kids at my parents when we are there on the weekends. I don't think scheduled "playdates" are necessary. We have enough scheduling in our life betwenn school and dance classes without adding multiple playdates every week. In our school it seems to be more SAHM's with time on their hands that are into the "playdate" thing than working moms already keeping a tight schedule.

I agree with some of this - I guess the whole scheduled thing does greatly add to the difficulty. Since my DD goes to school with kids in different neighborhoods, then it has to be scheduled as they don't live near each other. In the summer though when we are outside, it's no problem at all as kids are outside. As I mentioned though, we limit who gets to play on our playstructure, as our neighborhood parents aren't the best for supervising their kids, and we've had some serious or almost deathly serious accidents on our little street because of this, so only certain kids are allowed to play in our backyard on the playstructure.

We are very busy as well, with just regular life - we don't overschedule our kids in any way, shape or form. Life is busy enough with school, work, church, family and appointments!

Tiger

 

[ShannonMB]

I have always thought of "playdates" as something that's scheduled for little kids before they're able to get together on their own. And a lot of times, it seems like the moms are friends first, and want to get their little ones out and about with some other little kids while the moms drink Starbucks and scrapbook! At least that's what "playdates" were all about when my DD was littler. (Please, no flames! Of course we monitored the kids, but we didn't do much "teaching how to play", just made sure they were safe and getting along, but still did our own socializing). I work full time, and as DD has gotten older, she's gotten more into activities and so our time is much shorter than it used to be.

Nowadays, DD is in 3rd grade, and I do think we socialize less than lots of other families. I'm not that involved with school volunteering, etc, so I don't know a lot of the kids at school's parents. Rarely do I call up someone and say, "hey, let's get the kids together". That said, our house seems to be the neighborhood hangout for several of the kids. We haven't seen much of them over the winter, but as soon as the weather breaks, I forsee the doorbell ringing and DD running to see which friend has come over. DH and I are pretty laid back about the whole thing, which I think is why they come here. I imagine some of the other parents in the neighborhood don't care for kids running in and out all day, leaving the front door open while the AC is on, leaving a crazy path of everything from dress-up clothes to barbies to a baking mess (I of course supervise all oven use!), using up all the Crystal Light for an impromptu lemonade stand, selling old toys and beanie babies in an impromptu garage sale. My DD even orchestrated a "back to school Fear Factor party" last summer, where she and her friends made gross concoctions like apples with ranch dressing or olives in grape jelly and offered prizes to whoever would eat them -- ie, the boys. (uh, oh, am I going to get FLAMED!) I personally don't mind any of it! DD knows that it is HER responsibility to clean up after her AND her friends if their parents suddenly arrive to collect the friends. And I am a firm believer that when the darling daughter is off to college, DH and I will have more than enough time to enjoy a quiet, clean house. And I know deep down I will be sad that there will never be another barbie to trip over until (God-willing) the grandkids come!!!!!

Okay, I'm afraid I may have gone off on a tangent of my own there, but OP, at the ages of your kids, I don't think there is anything wrong with not hosting scheduled playdates. I do hope, however, that when they get a little older and start being able to make contacts on their own that you will loosen up and remember that there is a lot more to life than making sure everyone is playing properly and everything is orderly all the time!

 

[mjkacmom]

I hate the whole "playdate" concept. When did we start having to schedule our kid's playtime a week in advance??? My DD doesn't do playdates, quite frankly because it is difficult for us to schedule like that. She plays with the neighbor kids in the yard,their yard ect, and plays with the neighborhood kids at my parents when we are there on the weekends. I don't think scheduled "playdates" are necessary. We have enough scheduling in our life betwenn school and dance classes without adding multiple playdates every week. In our school it seems to be more SAHM's with time on their hands that are into the "playdate" thing than working moms already keeping a tight schedule.

I grew up in this town, and I had friend come over after school all of the time, and went to their homes. I think the difference is that kids have a lot more scheduled activities - in my day, most kids were free after school 99% of the time, so nothing had to be in advance.

How about kids with no other children in the neighborhood? Without playdates, how would they have some casual unstructured playtime with their peers?

 

[kirstenb1]

Frankly, I think you are overthinking it. Also, your posts make the playdates all about you. The playdates are about your KIDS.

Our playdates tend to be Wednesday and Fridays from 4:30 to about 6 p.m. The kids live over a couple of streets. Not that big a deal. Sometimes, they even eat dinner here.

I was going to use the exact word, "overthinking" it. Yes our older dd who's 11 has friends over to play. Our 4 1/2 yr old has special needs, but I've started to invite her friends over too (parents usually stay, because her friends are special needs kids too). They play, they're messy, if they need correcting, I do it. Same thing I'd expect if they were at someone else's home. Really, it's best not to think too much about it. They're little kids. They follow directions all week long at school. They need some very unstructured time to let off steam.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I hate the whole "playdate" concept. When did we start having to schedule our kid's playtime a week in advance??? My DD doesn't do playdates, quite frankly because it is difficult for us to schedule like that. She plays with the neighbor kids in the yard,their yard ect, and plays with the neighborhood kids at my parents when we are there on the weekends. I don't think scheduled "playdates" are necessary. We have enough scheduling in our life betwenn school and dance classes without adding multiple playdates every week. In our school it seems to be more SAHM's with time on their hands that are into the "playdate" thing than working moms already keeping a tight schedule.

I know you said that this is in your school but I have to say that as a SAHM I don't have any time on my hands. I hate when anyone (a general anyone) alludes that SAHMs have nothing to do all day but have playdates and tea parties. I have also been a working Mom so I have seen it from both sides. No matter what you do life in general is simply busy.
I just wanted to put that out there.

 

[Tiger926]

[/B]

I know you said that this is in your school but I have to say that as a SAHM I don't have any time on my hands. I hate when anyone (a general anyone) alludes that SAHMs have nothing to do all day but have playdates and tea parties. I have also been a working Mom so I have seen it from both sides. No matter what you do life in general is simply busy.
I just wanted to put that out there.

I agree, and that's why I said I agree with some of her post. SAHM or working mom, we are all working - life is crazy busy for all of us!

Tiger

 

[tmarquez]

Playdates around here are for all ages...I'm asking if you are a playdate family? Do your kids go to playdates at others' houses or do other kids come to your house to play? In reference to the messy thing - I find that most of the kids who have been on lots of playdates, they still don't know how to play properly. We've had issues with breaking toys, not following our rules about not going into certain rooms, not cleaning up after themselves, coming over sick, etc. These are just different things we've experienced.

Oh ok....I see. I guess we are a playdate family. But we don't really consider it playdates...it's not scheduled...and doesn't involve parents. On the weekends we can have up to 8 kids over playing (inside or out). Weekdays it's anywhere from 1 friend to 4 friends. But they don't usually always stay at my house...they go from house to house.

The rule at our house is if you take it out...you put it away. I haven't had a problem with them breaking things. I like being the house that the kids feel good playing at.

 

[busyshrew]

See, you bring up a good point. Is it fair that we've limited playdates because of these bad experiences? This is what DH and I are discussing. I'll admit it's much easier in the summer, as the weather is great, but around here in winter, it's cold and gloomy, so playdates have to be inside, and this is where the concern lies.

This post made me really think for a bit.

I don't think playdates for girls our DD's ages come easily at first. It's a bit of a dating process, in a way - finding families who have reasonably similar behaviours and values and with children who get along with yours. That takes time. And then, as many PPs have mentioned, the first few playdates are a learning process for all parties involved. How much supervision will be needed, how the children will play together... these things have to be figured out.

In our family, we did a lot of this figuring-things-out when my DD was 4 and early 5 - a time period when the other moms accompanied their children to playdates. It's only now, almost a year later, that I'm finding the playdates are so easy and so hands-free. But we had to work a bit to get there.

If you are limiting playdates because of a few bad experiences then I'd be inclined to answer that you should keep trying, perhaps with different people. Yes, sharing your home, your children's toys, and your time can be a bit exhausting but you have a chance to be a role model to your daughter - to show her how to be a gracious hostess as well as a good guest.