Are men always wrong?

[Tiggeroo]

ummm, hello? Did you read his post? I wouldn't want to take her with me either

A causes B usually. The sort of man who would schedule two solo trips to disney when he's newly married and has a young step child, and have with female co-workers is the whose wife is not likely to be trusting or totally at peace with the relationship. I don't buy that it's all her fault. I can't imagine dh taking even one solo trip to wdw during our first year of marriage. I can't really imagine him doing it now after 20 years although I wouldn't have too much of a problem with that. We get so little vacation time or free money that we want to share it with each other.

 

[boomhauer]

The sort of man who would schedule two solo trips to disney when he's newly married and has a young step child, and have with female co-workers is the whose wife is not likely to be trusting or totally at peace with the relationship.

Not that I should, but I very much resent that.

I've admitted, I have my issues. I know I'm in the wrong by going to Disney by myself. I've admitted that several times. However - It was something we discussed before we got married, again, as I have said.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by "female co-workers". I have 1 female friend that I have been friends with for 10 years. My wife felt uncomfortable with it, and as such, I respect her wishes and don't go out with her anymore.

I don't think any of the above equals me being untrusting.

 

[Tiggeroo]

it's not about being untrustworthy. It's about establishing trust. It's about putting your wife first. I respect you for going with your wife on these things. But the fact that you suggested it, esp. the trips just doesn't feel right. It's not completely wrong. It's just that you weren't merging into married guy smoothly. I"m not criticizing. We all have issues and pasts, etc. Sometimes two people in a marriage have weaknesses that fuel each other's weaknesses. If you are independent, have a tough time settling into marriage, feel very comfortable with solo trips, drinks with another female, and she's insecure, has been hurt, is not thouroughly trusting then you pull back and she clings.
I'm not saying you can't have a drink with an old female friend. But if you get married and your wife is insecure make it a joint friendship now. Get together with your wife and the old friend for drinks. Maybe do lunch instead of a club, etc.
I'm just trying to get you to think like your wife might think. It doesn't mean agreeing. It just means understanding on some level. Alot of times it's the response. My dh could respond like, why are you bugging me about this car now. I've got work. Don't you want me to make the money we need. Or he could say, oh honey, I love you, calm down. I'll call he garage and let him know how upset I am that the hood isn't working. I'll schedule the repair for first thing in the am and I'll get up an extra hour early so we can get the car into the shop and get you to work. Maybe i can go over there or call during my lunch break and make \sure everything is going ok. He's never given into me. But he's validated my feelings and acted like I mattered with the second response. I've gotten both ways. The first only fuels my upset.

 

[Maleficent13]

I didn't mean my previous post to sound as harsh as it came out, but I'm glad you saw my point.

I think the primary problem here is something you posted earlier...you saw the behavior before the marriage but you assumed she'd grow out of it. That was a HUGE assumption, and one that obviously did not come to pass yet. I don't know how old your wife is, but if she's married and has a son from a previous relationship, I would think she's mid to late 20s? That's well past the "she'll grow out of it" phase, IMO.

Best advice I have: be comfortable with the person they are, not the person you hope they'll become.

Good luck to you, in any case.

 

[mogulskr]

Has your wife always had things done for her by her parents? Like daddy always makes sure everything was alright. My wife was taken care of all through her life and reacts in a similar way. I have done the ignore thing and it has been getting better. I knew she was like this to a point, but didn't know how much until we were living together.

 

[boomhauer]

She's definitely been spoiled by her mother. Never bothered me that much. Nobody's perfect. However, more to the point - As anoying and odd as her mother is, she still doesn't deserve to be talked down to as much as my wife does. And I see her doing that with me now. That's what I don't like.

I think I'm actually starting to get used to it (believe it or not.) 3 or 4 months ago, I would be calling her, emailing her, telling her how mad and hurt I was. Now, I just reply to her telling her I'm done with this arguement. I'm not mad. Just waiting for her to think about the way she acted and apologize. If she does - Great...It's a start. If she doesn't, I'll have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

 

[mtdevine615]

Boomhauer, it sounds like someone need a spanking. I feel for you but sometimes you just can't let it slide. Plus it might be fun

 

[Jeff in BigD]

Seriously, it's time to man up & get some scene control. This does not mean intentionally pissing her off as a reaction to her bad behavior. What is your opinion of a man that lets his wife treat him like a child? Would you respect him? Sure, it may make for a funny sit-com & all, but IRL that lack of respect is unacceptable.

You guys need to get some counciling. And don't go in with mindset that they're going to fix her, but rather they'll give both of you the tools to better communicate with each other.

That is if you love her. Not just really care about her, but actually have the willing to make sacrifices type of love for her. Tolerating her BS doesn't count as a sacrifice, especially since one day (if this continues) you'll decide it's not worth it & walk.

If in your heart you know you're not willing to fight for it, then perhaps a trial seperation may give you guys the clarity you need to view your situation.


Sorry if this came off as heavy-handed, but the previous tip-toe posts obviously weren't getting the point across.



PS - Ladies, you're not always right. In fact you're usually wrong, we just give in most of the time to get some peace & quiet.

 

[boomhauer]

Not sure if I had said this before either - We actually went to counseling a few months ago. It was my choice. After 4 visits together, the counselor sat us both down and said she would like to continue seeing my wife alone.

Take that as you will, but that's what happened.

My wife went twice, then decided this lady didn't know what she was talking about.

 

[Jeff in BigD]

Not sure if I had said this before either - We actually went to counseling a few months ago. It was my choice. After 4 visits together, the counselor sat us both down and said she would like to continue seeing my wife alone.

Take that as you will, but that's what happened.

My wife went twice, then decided this lady didn't know what she was talking about.

So if you don't like your mechanic, do you stop getting maintenance for your car?

I'd look for another counselor (& another, & another, ...) if that's what it takes. If your wife is not willing to make an effort to make it work, then you know how she feels about your relationship.

 

[boomhauer]

So if you don't like your mechanic, do you stop getting maintenance for your car?

I'd look for another counselor (& another, & another, ...) if that's what it takes. If your wife is not willing to make an effort to make it work, then you know how she feels about your relationship.

I agree. However, I can't force my wife to go. She has the same attitude as Tom Cruise when it comes to anti-depressants and therapy.

 

[mtblujeans]

I went and lunch with DH, returned a DVD to Shopko, went to the bank, and picked up pizza for dinner and you guys are still here!?

 

[mtblujeans]

The longer I sit here with no apology from her, the more hopeless I feel.

I just had to read everything over and see what I missed! First of all, Quackmore is lucky you are not in the same building with him! Secondly, don't feel hopeless, my dear! You just need to 'train' her! That is the part of marriage that some people don't get. It's the 'training' that takes years and years! If you were to train a puppy, you wouldn't sit down and feel hopeless about that, would you? It takes a long time to get it done and you have to be patient! My DH did something last week that kinda' torqued me and I just shook my head....then I realized that after 20 years, I should have had that 'trained' out of him by now! I let that man down!! You're just getting started....and it's not always going to be easy.....but, what else do you have to do in your life? No kids yet....gotta spend your leisure time doing something!!

 

[macraven]

The longer I sit here with no apology from her, the more hopeless I feel.

don't feel so bad.
just remember, women are evil.......


that's what i tell my sons when i think they are being twisted by the bimbo they are dating.

but i am the exception to the evil woman part............

 

[MICKEY88]

the email didn't personally attack you.
I am a yeller myself, when I yell it is not a personal attack, it's me venting. Maybe she was frustrated, I know I HATE when I have to deal with my car. I call DH right away, rationally I understand that he can't drop everything to help but irrationally I am ticked because I need him and can't do it myself.

this troubles me, when women yell it's OK if it's not a personal attack, when men yell it's abusive behaviour and a woman should leave...

 

[boomhauer]

this troubles me, when women yell it's OK if it's not a personal attack, when men yell it's abusive behaviour and a woman should leave...

EXACTLY!

 

[mtblujeans]

First of all go buy her a membership to AAA - give it to her as a Christmas present. If something really serious had happened she probably would have no clue how to handle it! She's probably really frustrated about her car and worried about paying for it, but she shouldn't be taking it out on you!!

I THINK THIS IS A GREAT IDEA! Then, she can yell at someone who is paid to take it, if she wants to!

Just wait for menopause. You'll be wrong AND she'll be hot.....no cold.....no hot..... Awww, that's your fault too....

I resemble this remark!

I would also like to point out that the DW, in this situation, does not know that her actions and comments are being made public....I think we all have the ability to be nasty and we don't like to be caught being that way in a public forum. I think she might (MIGHT) handle this a little differently is she knew she was being 'watched' on the DISboards!

 

[boomhauer]

She'd kill me. And to an extent, I feel guilty. However, I honestly feel, having a place like this to vent is very healthy. It also makes me feel better to know that I am not completely insane.

 

[mtblujeans]

....PS - Ladies, you're not always right. In fact you're usually wrong, we just give in most of the time to get some peace & quiet.

MARK, IS THAT YOU!?? I THOUGHT YOU WERE AT THE OFFICE!!

 

[macraven]

MARK, IS THAT YOU!?? I THOUGHT YOU WERE AT THE OFFICE!!

really trying for that tag mtblujeans..................



seriously, i can empathize with the op.