Are men always wrong?

[florida-again]

Boomhauer, I am probably not entirely qualified to dish out advice on this as I'm not married and only 21.

However, BF and I had a very hard year in 2003. It was my fault. I was being much like your DW, demanding, difficult, etc. We would scream and shout and say terrible things to each other for hours and hours.

I became aware that I was very much in danger of turning into my mother, who can be very demanding and unreasonable. Poor BF, I don't know how he coped with me at that stage.

However, we did talk about it, he did give me an ultimatum (change or else) and I did change. Not my personality, but just the way I treated him. I suddenly realised what I was doing and that I would lose him, and that wasn't something I wanted.

Now, 2 years later, we have the most wonderful relationship. We are happy, well balanced and looking forward to a future together. Sometimes we even joke about how we 'don't fight like we used to'.

Please be optimistic about this and talk things through. Don't threaten your DW that you'll leave if she doesn't change immediately as she might call your bluff. Simply explain that it's wearing you down and you won't put up with it for much longer.

I know it sounds deep and OTT, I never would have believed it would work until I experienced it. Take it from someone who DID change, people can change for the better. It's nonsense that you can't change someone. Sometimes it's just the thing you need to save a relationship.
Also, personally I'm a much happier person for it.

 

[boomhauer]

However, BF and I had a very hard year in 2003. It was my fault. I was being much like your DW, demanding, difficult, etc. We would scream and shout and say terrible things to each other for hours and hours.

I became aware that I was very much in danger of turning into my mother, who can be very demanding and unreasonable. Poor BF, I don't know how he coped with me at that stage.

However, we did talk about it, he did give me an ultimatum (change or else) and I did change. Not my personality, but just the way I treated him. I suddenly realised what I was doing and that I would lose him, and that wasn't something I wanted.

Now, 2 years later, we have the most wonderful relationship. We are happy, well balanced and looking forward to a future together. Sometimes we even joke about how we 'don't fight like we used to'.

It's odd - My wife and her mother got into some stupid fight over the phone this morning. My wife in turn, decided to start on me again. As I did the other way, I just kept my mouth shut, and let her piss and moan.

The last 24 hours, though she apologized and everything should be ok, something feels weird. It's as if something inside of me changed because of this.

Not quite sure how it's going to turn out, but I am going to have one of those talks like your BF had with you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

... something feels weird. It's as if something inside of me changed because of this.
QUOTE]


It is you, changing how you see this and react to it!

Maturity and Reality?

 

[VSL]

Your wife was acting like a complete witch in your first post. It would definitely seem that she has (maybe) some control issues (after looking at some of your other threads)

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, another thought...

If you are serious about this whole thing. And, if you do want to have a real talk with your wife. A couple of tips here.

1. It has to be cool and level-headed. At least on your part! Wait until the perfect time. Not when she has, once again, acted inappropriately and ticked you off to the Nth degree.

2. Choose your words carefully. Adding additional pressure, and issuing an ultimatum could indeed backfire. Nobody likes that kind of situation. Nobody likes ultimatums.

You should use words that are not 'blaming' and not singling out your wife. But general words... ex. Hey, you know I love you. But, you know, the way things have been going is just not good. It just is not right. We deserve better. We need to find out how to deal with the stresses in a positive and loving way.

When you do mention something about your wife. You should be using the word "I". Ex. Instead of saying, "you acted like an immature jerk... you this... you that...", It would be much better if you should say, "When things go like this, I feel like you do not love and respect me. It makes it hard for us to have a positive loving relationship. It is like it is 'toxic'.

The fact that the way things are going is not 'positive' and 'loving' are things that I think your wife would have to be in complete agreement on.

3. And, last, and most importantly, be prepared to hear about how things on YOUR part may have upset your wife. Be prepared to go into it with an open and loving mind.

It should be all about finding areas of agreement, and things that you both could do to make your marriage better. (NOT petty arguments or disagreements).

This is VERY hard to do... Many couples could never put their base emotions aside and do this. That is where a counselor/therapist comes in!!!

And, just one other note.. Is there any way that you all could get your own place away from MIL!!!!!

 

[florida-again]

It's odd - My wife and her mother got into some stupid fight over the phone this morning. My wife in turn, decided to start on me again. As I did the other way, I just kept my mouth shut, and let her piss and moan.

The last 24 hours, though she apologized and everything should be ok, something feels weird. It's as if something inside of me changed because of this.

Not quite sure how it's going to turn out, but I am going to have one of those talks like your BF had with you.

It's definitely worth a try. Of course every person and every relationship is different. The conversation we had was so different to anything before. No shouting, no screaming, I wasn't even doing any talking. I really hope this works for your relationship. Sometimes I can't believe it worked for mine, so I have confidence it can work for you, even if right now it seems like a long shot.

 

[SEAlla]

Wow...

I am sorry, this doesn't answer your question but her behavior was uncalled for.

I haven't been married for too long either but I would never treat my DH like that.