Are all men picky daters?

[sonnyjane]

Just echoing what others have said that it really does happen when you AREN'T looking. And I don't mean when you say to your friends, family, or even yourself that you're not looking, but when you REALLY just legitimately let go of the idea that you'll be meeting Mr. Right shortly. I met my husband 8 years ago while I was at work. I'd just moved to a new city after a 3 year relationship and if you'd asked me that morning if I wanted to go out with a man anytime soon I would have laughed and said you couldn't pay me to date at that time. Sure enough that afternoon he came up to me and asked me for directions to somewhere, said he was new to the area also, and it went from there.

I have so many friends that literally obsess over finding a mate, joined all the sites, jump through all the hoops, and they are no closer to being in a relationship now than they were 5 years from now. I really, really think it's a mindset that's projected to others, whether you know it or not. Just take a step back and "be" for a while.

 

[Art 1]

mackeymouse. I am a male. If you would like to PM me your profile I will give you my opinion.

 

[MinnieLovesMickey12]

I haven't read through many of the posts yet but I do have to agree with other posters that this sounds exactly like all the other threads by MMackeymouse. And all I can tell you is what I told you on the other thread but you didn't want to hear it....

You say you are overweight but not obese. You say you are attractive. Not to seem mean or snarky but what if you aren't really seeing yourself how others see you? If you AREN'T OBESE and you AREN'T ugly somebody somewhere would be responding to you wouldn't they?

Maybe you should actually post some of your pictures HERE that you have posted on the dating sites and let some ppl who don't even know you tell you what is or isn't wrong with the particular photos you use.

Because no matter what anybody ever said to me, if a friend asked me to be totally honest with them and they were very fat and very unattractive, I would NEVER tell them that. So I don't know if you can even count on your friends to be honest with you.

But more importantly is your sense of desperation. I have seen very fat ppl with a boyfriend. I have seen very ugly ppl with a boyfriend. So it is possible to find someone. But nobody wants to be with someone who seems desperate.

Try Yahoo personals.

I was on Match.com and yahoo personals briefly about 7 years ago but I quit those sites pretty quickly when I realized the men want to IMMEDIATELY meet you in a bar for "drinks" and have no interest in getting to know you before meeting you. Most of those sites are glorified booty call sites for men. And I have known a lot of married men to actually use those sites and say they are single so they can cheat.

But Yahoo personals seemed to have a wide variety of men to choose from. I think they were about the same price as Match.com. I am not even sure Yahoo still has a personals website but they use to.

Unfortunately you probably won't get any different advice than you were given on all your other threads.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Not sure if this has been mentioned before but have you looked into a website called Events and Adventures? Looks really interesting that they set up events in your area from wine tasting, hot air balloon rides to white water rafting with only singles interested in not hanging out with couples to have fun.

They dont have it in every state but I looked into it for my sister but you have to register to look at events in your area.

If that doesn't work (if there isn't one in your state, try MeetUp. Hundreds of small and large group events, one-time or weekly, all over the country. You can even create your own.

 

[DWGal210]

OP, I mean this kindly 'cause a lot of us have been there, but the cart is so far in front of the horse that it's in another time zone.

I'm thinking back to what you said about the 'perfect' guy you had in mind, that your mom felt the need to 'bring you back down to earth'. I think right now, you're doing a variation on the same thing. You're making a plan to find a certain kind of guy. You feel like you don't have time to just let life take its course, so you're planning how you want your life to work out (kids, etc), and now you're on an expedition to find a guy you can plug into that life. Your checklist is still there, it's just a little different this time.

That's kind of the opposite of how I always thought these things work. You become close to a guy, and over time you realize you want to make a life with them. The guys I've had in my life, I've met through school, through work, or through mutual friends. They were people that I knew a little, then got to know better, and then a connection was formed, and then a friendship, and it blossomed into love. Over that time, I got to see them in enough situations that I knew pretty well what kind of man they were, before we ever got to the dating part.

That's why I never even considered online dating. It seems so forced and artificial, like a job interview. I can't imagine starting a romance that way. "OK, here's this guy, he fits items 1-5, 7, 8 and 10 on my checklist....now we're supposed to fall in love."

But I never felt the pressure to be on any kind of timetable. There have been times that I've been in relationships, and times I haven't been. I'm not 'looking for a husband'; I may end up married someday, but that will come when I'm in the right kind of relationship. Or it won't . Marriage isn't a goal for me, or a step in a life plan, it's a possible outcome.

Just get out and live your life. Do things you're interested in. Hang out with friends. Be open to friendships with guys that don't necessarily seem like they'll lead to romance. Love pops up in the most unexpected places.

This is perfect; I totally agree. OP, I know it's rough out there. But this is great advice.

(And I feel the same way about online dating. Tried it a few times, didn't like it at ALL.)

 

[lauradis]

mackeymouse. I am a male. If you would like to PM me your profile I will give you my opinion.

Art you really are sweet.

I'm the kind of friend that would tell my friend if she was overweight or pretty.

Op how about list of what you don't like about yourself and work on it. No ones perfect but if you give off a crazy needy vibe men will run away like their buts are on fire.

Plus all the rejection emails, I would send nice good luck in your search. have great day respond to everyone. They might send back email that's days thank you then you can send one back that says your welcome and maybe he will send another, etc.

 

[sookie]

My husband's cousin introduced us in a bar. We've been together 33 years, so it is possible to meet your life partner in a bar.

Ok, I will make myself a little more clear. Do not make the bar your primary means of connecting with the opposite sex. Do not make yourself a bar fly. This doesn't mean you can't go out and have fun, and that all men you meet in the bar are off limits. But, don't make it your mission to go out to the club each night to meet men. This is not the only place to meet them. There are men everywhere, and the club / bar is not the only place they congregate. There is an Amy Winehouse song about that.

Men who cook do. I know quite a few of my friends who used cooking classes as dates as have I. Not usually first dates but second or third. One of the things you learn (hopefully early) is that you want to stand out and do something different instead of go on the same date the other person has been on 100 times. If someone says they like to cook a cooking class would be perfect. If they say they like to hike go hiking. Kayak go kayaking. Like history go to a museum. And so on.

Ok, the program is incorrectly quoting me as the person who said this so I had to take it out but - BUT I completing agree with this!!! If YOU are interested in cooking, yes, GO TO THE COOKING CLASS! I don't know why people jump to this one as an automatic recommendation for all girls looking to date, but they do. But I just hear people automatically say "Go to a cooking class" to meet men, I just shake my head.

This is better advice.

When I hear the cooking class quip (when the person isn't a cook) I want to say "Maybe she should go to a brew class instead?". At least it sounds more fun - to me.

 

[GSUJillybean]

One other bit of advice - Better is it to have no one than the wrong one. When people become desperate for a relationship (which is the case here, IMO) you tend to settle or lower your expectations to find the "right" man. Just remember that.

It will all be worth it in the end when you find the right person.

FYI, your life should not be defined by a relationship either. That is also very unhealthy.

Yep. Build the LIFE you want... the career, the home, the hobbies, and if someone comes along to share it, that's great. And someone more than likely will.

But they might not. It happens. None of us are guaranteed life, liberty and a cuddle buddy. Don't waste the best years of your life pining, hon.

 

[GSUJillybean]

I haven't read through many of the posts yet but I do have to agree with other posters that this sounds exactly like all the other threads by MMackeymouse. And all I can tell you is what I told you on the other thread but you didn't want to hear it....

You say you are overweight but not obese. You say you are attractive. Not to seem mean or snarky but what if you aren't really seeing yourself how others see you? If you AREN'T OBESE and you AREN'T ugly somebody somewhere would be responding to you wouldn't they?

Maybe you should actually post some of your pictures HERE that you have posted on the dating sites and let some ppl who don't even know you tell you what is or isn't wrong with the particular photos you use.

Because no matter what anybody ever said to me, if a friend asked me to be totally honest with them and they were very fat and very unattractive, I would NEVER tell them that. So I don't know if you can even count on your friends to be honest with you.

But more importantly is your sense of desperation. I have seen very fat ppl with a boyfriend. I have seen very ugly ppl with a boyfriend. So it is possible to find someone. But nobody wants to be with someone who seems desperate.

Try Yahoo personals.

I was on Match.com and yahoo personals briefly about 7 years ago but I quit those sites pretty quickly when I realized the men want to IMMEDIATELY meet you in a bar for "drinks" and have no interest in getting to know you before meeting you. Most of those sites are glorified booty call sites for men. And I have known a lot of married men to actually use those sites and say they are single so they can cheat.

But Yahoo personals seemed to have a wide variety of men to choose from. I think they were about the same price as Match.com. I am not even sure Yahoo still has a personals website but they use to.

Unfortunately you probably won't get any different advice than you were given on all your other threads.

That's all so subjective that I can't imagine it would be beneficial. For example, I am well over 300lbs, and have been married twice (widowed once), and I've never had issues finding a date were I to look for one.

But... I didn't look for them. Part of the reason dudes considered me attractive despite my size is that I had a life I loved and wasn't looking for someone to make me happy. I was open to sharing that happiness, but I was complete and fulfilled on my own. I think that kind of made me... glow a little, if that makes any sense. I'm not conventionally attractive, but it's been completely irrelevant because attraction is not objective. I don't think playing "Hot or Not?" on the Dis is going to help.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Mmackymouse, I do hope you continue with the online dating. Those who have met their spouses the more "traditional" way are often quick to knock it and will just tell you to kick up your heels and wait for the right man to come around...because that's what happened to them.

Here's the thing...having an online dating profile is just opening up one more avenue to finding your potential mate. It's not saying you are ONLY going to find someone online....you still might meet him at the library, a bar, work, friend introduction, etc. I think there is a lot to say for being PROACTIVE about finding Mr. Right, which is what online dating is.

I know that for me, I spent 6 months after a major break up focusing on ME--eating right, exercising, strengthening my relationship with God, getting involved in volunteering, going all-in at work, etc and didn't concern myself with dating. I knew that I wanted a husband and children in my future, and wanted children before a certain age...so online dating to me was something I could do to try to make that future happen. It did for me, and I hope you get some dates soon.

I know another DIS-er once posted their photos and profile on here for suggestions, and she got a lot of help. May be worth a shot!

 

[rwdavis2]

....I'm thinking back to what you said about the 'perfect' guy you had in mind, that your mom felt the need to 'bring you back down to earth'. I think right now, you're doing a variation on the same thing. You're making a plan to find a certain kind of guy. You feel like you don't have time to just let life take its course, so you're planning how you want your life to work out (kids, etc), and now you're on an expedition to find a guy you can plug into that life. Your checklist is still there, it's just a little different this time. ...

Boy, this sounds like what happened to my cousin's son. Although he seems quite happy, I'll bet he was the guy that his wife could check-off the most requirements for. She was the oldest daughter (at 21) and still unmarried which probably pushed the entire thing. Engaged and married in 8 months and the MIL wanted them married in 3 months.

At this point this kid's life seems so pre-determined by the wife and MIL going forward he won't know what hit him until he's about 40 years old.

 

[mrsklamc]

OP,

In response to your question- no, not all men are picky daters when it comes to weight. My sister is quite obese and has never lacked for male attention. She is an extroverted, happy person and people are attracted to that.

I think there are very few people in the world that are so ugly that EVERYONE would not be attracted to them. Actually in my opinion, women tend to hold ourselves to MUCH higher standards of how we think we should look than men do.

IMO, more people SHOULD be picky daters because it is better to be alone than with the wrong person, but that is neither here nor there.

It's far more likely that there is something written in your profile that guys are finding off-putting. For example, someone else posted here on the DIS asking about her dating profile and it said 'princess.' That is a HUGE red flag. Guys don't want to date girls that think of themselves as princesses. It screams high maintenance.

 

[Hrhpd]

Another question -

How does your sister fare in the dating world? In your trip reports, she could be your twin.

So, if she is successful, try to look at what the two of you are doing differently.

But I agree with most here - just go out and enjoy life. People get scared off if there is a timetable or a checklist. And even if you don't talk about your timetable or checklist, most will still be able to perceive it.

 

[Sultana]

OP, I have done my fair share of internet-dating. Got some BFs out of it but no DH.
Why?
Because it were all men I would never have encountered if it weren't for the dating site. Meaning: other than the screen and keyboard and site membership, we actually didn't have anything in common.

I don't think the two people in a couple have to share ALL interests, but there should be some common things.
Met at church => same religion
Met at sports club => same hobby
Met at restaurant => same "taste" for food
etc etc.

Also, when on the dating site, try to focus on people who live closer to you. This is the real world: it's fun to email for a long time with someone, but unless you meet him, you won't really get to know him. Traveling cross-country can be expensive + it involves more than just having a coffee or a lunch. Even if you hit off, what would be next? One of you would have to relocate, creating its own challenges and stress.

I am sure there will be posters here who will say "I was in that situation and it all worked out". True. But those are the exceptions.

Best would be to go for realistic targets:
- lives "close" by (and that's of course relative)
- has at least one common interest

I would really like to see a C/P of a part of your profile. It's necessary to tweak it in such a way that it's still true but also desirable.
For example: I love to do my nails. However, this is not something I would post in "hobbies" on a dating site. What would I put in there?
- traveling (+ list how I like to travel. I'd rather die than have to go on a camping trip!)
- reading (+ list magazines/ authors, but not chicklit. Things that could be a common interest)
- golf, going to the gym
- spend time with my dog
- volunteering (+ list organizations)

That I also like to do my nails, shop for shoes, and read forums like these: well, in its own time, he can discover that.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I never lacked for dates and I spent a good portion of my single life "chubby", as you say.

I'm pretty sure I've said this to you before, but I'll say it again. I don't believe it has anything to do with your looks or your weight. I think it's either your approach or the fact that you appear to be trying too hard. I think the best bet for you would be trying to be friends with a guy first.

 

[Liberty Belle]

While I am NOT the poster in question, I am very glad I decided to keep my identity hidden, especially considering how keen the responders have been to try to call out someone by name who has clearly expressed desire to keep his/her identity private. As it is, they are wrong, so they look foolish, but I digress.

Moving on...

I would like to thank Dawn and encourage you all to review her post. She explains it much more adequately than I did...what she found is men who don't have a college education, but expect their woman to have one....and so on and so forth. This is the kind of thing I am talking about. It's not about dating down. It's not about being desperate. It is about having realistic expectations, and also being open-minded enough to explore different kinds of people. Like, again Dawn, said...sometimes someone you may not be initially interested in can charm you once you get to know them. That's why I am personally as open-minded, not desperate, as I am.

For those who suggest meeting men in a different venue, I will definitely take your suggestions into consideration. Like I said, I have not met any men in traditional ways. Friends haven't set me up with anyone. That's WHY I took to online dating...I thought it would be easier. Boy, was I surprised! I just don't know why my friends would push me toward online dating, if it is actually harder.

And, no, I don't have any problem with my weight. If I did, I would be exercising and eating salad. As it is, I am not exercising and drinking chocolate milk. And perfectly happy doing so. I only included the weight part because 1) I thought it may be relevant 2) The guys I am messaging are my size or larger.

Then, honey, she is your Personality Doppelganger. I agree with the poster who said you should search out her posts and see all the advice she was given.

 

[Coonhound]

Mmackeymouse said in a post once that she had "sultry blue eyes".

Mmackeymouse, I did look up your old posts.
The earliest one about dating was from 2008. It's nearly 2014 now.
If you had taken the advice back in 2008, you might be married and have two or three kids by now.

You've got to change how you're doing things, because what you're doing now isn't working.

First of all, when people suggest therapy, it's NOT because you are crazy or something is wrong with you. Therapy is a useful tool for everyone.
It can help you see things a different way, or, change patterns that are self-destructive.

The reasons people keep suggesting therapy over and over, is because there is not much else they can suggest- no one on an Internet forum can help you except to just tell you to walk up to a man and talk to him- which you seem unwilling or unable to do.

Which brings me to my second point.

Second, you have GOT to TALK to men. "Making eyes" at men won't work, you have to actually make the move and go right up to them and speak to them. If you cannot do this, you will not find a man. But, therapy is something that can help you learn to do this and then you won't panic anymore while talking to them!

No one wants to be mean to you or not help. But you have asked the same type of thing over and over again, gotten the same advice over and over again, but are still in the same exact place you were before...because you won't actually TAKE the advice.

You are 31 correct? Although you can find love at any age, it does get more difficult as you get older.

Not to sound too personal but the fact is a clock is ticking if you want to have children, I mean you still have time but eventually there will come a time when it will be too late, and every year that deadline gets closer and closer, and I don't want you to miss out on your dream of being a mom because you never could work up the courage to just go up to a man and start a conversation with him.

I just don't want to see you here with the same exact problems but a few years down the road when you're 41 or 51. The time to act is now. You've put it off long enough. You DESERVE to be happy. You DESERVE to make your dreams come true. You DESERVE to find true love. Take the advice and run with it. It will be hard, it will be scary, but it will be so worth it in the end.

 

[Hrhpd]

Mmackeymouse said in a post once that she had "sultry blue eyes".

Mmackeymouse, I did look up your old posts.
The earliest one about dating was from 2008. It's nearly 2014 now.
If you had taken the advice back in 2008, you might be married and have two or three kids by now.

You've got to change how you're doing things, because what you're doing now isn't working.

First of all, when people suggest therapy, it's NOT because you are crazy or something is wrong with you. Therapy is a useful tool for everyone.
It can help you see things a different way, or, change patterns that are self-destructive.

The reasons people keep suggesting therapy over and over, is because there is not much else they can suggest- no one on an Internet forum can help you except to just tell you to walk up to a man and talk to him- which you seem unwilling or unable to do.

Which brings me to my second point.

Second, you have GOT to TALK to men. "Making eyes" at men won't work, you have to actually make the move and go right up to them and speak to them. If you cannot do this, you will not find a man. But, therapy is something that can help you learn to do this and then you won't panic anymore while talking to them!

No one wants to be mean to you or not help. But you have asked the same type of thing over and over again, gotten the same advice over and over again, but are still in the same exact place you were before...because you won't actually TAKE the advice.

You are 31 correct? Although you can find love at any age, it does get more difficult as you get older.

Not to sound too personal but the fact is a clock is ticking if you want to have children, I mean you still have time but eventually there will come a time when it will be too late, and every year that deadline gets closer and closer, and I don't want you to miss out on your dream of being a mom because you never could work up the courage to just go up to a man and start a conversation with him.

I just don't want to see you here with the same exact problems but a few years down the road she you're 41 or 51. The time to act is now. You've put it off long enough. You DESERVE to be happy. You DESERVE to make your dreams come true. You DESERVE to find true love. Take the advice and run with it. It will be hard, it will be scary, but it will be so worth it in the end.

What a wonderful and kind post!
Hopefully Melissa is still reaing and will take it to heart.

 

[goofyintoronto]

What a wonderful and kind post!
Hopefully Melissa is still reaing and will take it to heart.

+2!!! Really good post. Great advice!!

 

[NFLDERS]

+2!!! Really good post. Great advice!!

+3.