Are all men picky daters?

[#1hoosierfan]

I am trying to say this in the nicest way possible....

In your first post you come off as both conceited and self-degrading. I am not sure how that is even possible, but it is definitely the vibe I get.

Make sure that you have a nice picture of yourself..... Nice make-up, hair done, nice outfit, etc.... Men ARE visual, and that matters.

As others have said, take a hard look at your description of yourself. Maybe try letting a friend write it for you and see if that works.

 

[sookie]

Whoever said cooking class - no. Men don't do cooking classes anymore. Not usually at least.

Volunteer organizations. Males and females participate in them. It is fun and it allows you to meet like minded people.
Sports - think co-ed intramural sports leagues.
Interest groups. Think what another person said - things that get you active or thinking. Fencing. Archery clubs or hunting (yes, I'm in the midwest and we hunt here). Church groups. Whatever.
Gyms - yes, get yourself to the gym. No matter what. If your overweight, you should be going anyway. If your normal weight, you should be going anyway.
No bars. It isn't worth it.
Running groups or biking groups.
Jobs - eh. Yes you can look at work, but that can backfire. But find out what the young professionals do afterward is good.
IF you still live with your parents - you need to fix that. Yesterday.

 

[Lynne M]

OP, I mean this kindly 'cause a lot of us have been there, but the cart is so far in front of the horse that it's in another time zone.

I'm thinking back to what you said about the 'perfect' guy you had in mind, that your mom felt the need to 'bring you back down to earth'. I think right now, you're doing a variation on the same thing. You're making a plan to find a certain kind of guy. You feel like you don't have time to just let life take its course, so you're planning how you want your life to work out (kids, etc), and now you're on an expedition to find a guy you can plug into that life. Your checklist is still there, it's just a little different this time.

That's kind of the opposite of how I always thought these things work. You become close to a guy, and over time you realize you want to make a life with them. The guys I've had in my life, I've met through school, through work, or through mutual friends. They were people that I knew a little, then got to know better, and then a connection was formed, and then a friendship, and it blossomed into love. Over that time, I got to see them in enough situations that I knew pretty well what kind of man they were, before we ever got to the dating part.

That's why I never even considered online dating. It seems so forced and artificial, like a job interview. I can't imagine starting a romance that way. "OK, here's this guy, he fits items 1-5, 7, 8 and 10 on my checklist....now we're supposed to fall in love."

But I never felt the pressure to be on any kind of timetable. There have been times that I've been in relationships, and times I haven't been. I'm not 'looking for a husband'; I may end up married someday, but that will come when I'm in the right kind of relationship. Or it won't . Marriage isn't a goal for me, or a step in a life plan, it's a possible outcome.

Just get out and live your life. Do things you're interested in. Hang out with friends. Be open to friendships with guys that don't necessarily seem like they'll lead to romance. Love pops up in the most unexpected places.

 

[lauradis]

Sookie I meet my hubby in a bar when I wasn't looking for a man. 22 years ago

Op you never know what when or where you will find someone.

You need to relax, stop ticking, if you really believe every thing has a purpose you don't have control over when you will find that someone.

You do have control over how you present yourself to the male population. Honey you really need to find several hobbies where men will be to take your mind off the ticking clock.

 

[pigletgirl]

One other bit of advice - Better is it to have no one than the wrong one. When people become desperate for a relationship (which is the case here, IMO) you tend to settle or lower your expectations to find the "right" man. Just remember that.

It will all be worth it in the end when you find the right person.

FYI, your life should not be defined by a relationship either. That is also very unhealthy.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I'm thinking back to what you said about the 'perfect' guy you had in mind, that your mom felt the need to 'bring you back down to earth'. I think right now, you're doing a variation on the same thing. You're making a plan to find a certain kind of guy. You feel like you don't have time to just let life take its course, so you're planning how you want your life to work out (kids, etc), and now you're on an expedition to find a guy you can plug into that life. Your checklist is still there, it's just a little different this time.

That's kind of the opposite of how I always thought these things work. You become close to a guy, and over time you realize you want to make a life with them. The guys I've had in my life, I've met through school, through work, or through mutual friends. They were people that I knew a little, then got to know better, and then a connection was formed, and then a friendship, and it blossomed into love. Over that time, I got to see them in enough situations that I knew pretty well what kind of man they were, before we ever got to the dating part.

That's why I never even considered online dating. It seems so forced and artificial, like a job interview. I can't imagine starting a romance that way. "OK, here's this guy, he fits items 1-5, 7, 8 and 10 on my checklist....now we're supposed to fall in love."

But I never felt the pressure to be on any kind of timetable. There have been times that I've been in relationships, and times I haven't been. I'm not 'looking for a husband'; I may end up married someday, but that will come when I'm in the right kind of relationship. Or it won't . Marriage isn't a goal for me, or a step in a life plan, it's a possible outcome.

Just get out and live your life. Do things you're interested in. Hang out with friends. Be open to friendships with guys that don't necessarily seem like they'll lead to romance. Love pops up in the most unexpected places.

This is how I see it, too.

 

[nym4588]

This just made me laugh out loud.



No, you missed my point. Or I didn't make it well enough. My point was....do I really want someone who chooses who they befriend based on looks? Is that the kind of person I want. I want the kind of person who is kind to all people...fat or thin, tall or short, unemployed or gainfully employed, smokers or non smokers...if someone is judgmental to the point they will not even talk to someone they don't consider worthy....that's not the type of person I want.

Obviously there are many things that can be attractive in an individual, but usually the initial interest is based on physical appearance (when I see a cute guy walking down the street or in the produce department, I'm not thinking "check out the personality on him!"). In the dating world, it's just a jumping off point.

Looks, by the way, aren't based solely on some magic number on a scale - as other people have pointed out, having pride in one's appearance goes a long way. Confidence goes a long way, too.

I really don't think it's your appearance that's causing the problem, though. It seems like you may have self esteem issues that could possibly be coming through in your online dating interactions. Honestly, a lot of what you've written screams "I don't think I'm good enough," which is why you might be concocting these impossible, unrealistic standards for the men you'd like to meet.

Just know this: no matter what you think about yourself, no matter what your mom told you about "dating down" (ridiculous!), EVERYONE is worthy of love.

 

[Robbi]

Whoever said cooking class - no. Men don't do cooking classes anymore. Not usually at least.

Volunteer organizations. Males and females participate in them. It is fun and it allows you to meet like minded people.
Sports - think co-ed intramural sports leagues.
Interest groups. Think what another person said - things that get you active or thinking. Fencing. Archery clubs or hunting (yes, I'm in the midwest and we hunt here). Church groups. Whatever.
Gyms - yes, get yourself to the gym. No matter what. If your overweight, you should be going anyway. If your normal weight, you should be going anyway.
No bars. It isn't worth it.
Running groups or biking groups.
Jobs - eh. Yes you can look at work, but that can backfire. But find out what the young professionals do afterward is good.
IF you still live with your parents - you need to fix that. Yesterday.

My husband's cousin introduced us in a bar. We've been together 33 years, so it is possible to meet your life partner in a bar.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I can sympathize. I tried the online dating thing briefly back when I was not married. Kind of showing my age here, it was back when this stuff was kind of new. I was one of the few people who had a picture. (not saying the picture was great, but back then probably 25% or less of personal ads actually had pics). Lack of responses wasn't the problem... lack of quality responses was the problem. I got a few genuinely nice responses. I would follow up on them. Of those, a high percentage fizzled out after a few emails and phone conversations. I don't now why seriously, I am charming. (yes that is my attempt at humor). A few of them led to dates, one ended up being a long-term thing (if you call several months long term). Don't even get me started on how he strung me along, got my hopes up for marriage and then dumped me. That is another story entirely.

 

[Sultana]

I'd like to see an actual copy-paste from your profile (or little parts of it) and not "I talk about X and Y and Z".

In a previous post, you said something like "I don't think I am great, I AM great". If someone sent me a message that had that vibe, or I read through a profile that has that vibe, I would think "NEXT".
Self-confidence is important, but that attitude is very off-putting, imho.

Also, if I'd receive a message saying "Hello, Nice dog you have, what breed is it?" and nothing else, I wouldn't spend too much time on the person sending that message, as that person shows no interest in ME, only in the dog that's on the picture.
In my opinion and experience, I like it when in a first post, the other person shows an interest in me without being too "agressive"/ pushy. It's nice if they point out what exactly in my profile caught their attention. A hobby, my job, a picture, my vacation style, ... It is a first step into a real conversation.

 

[ten6mom]

I am currently doing online dating. I am older, divorced, and have two kids so my situation is a bit different. I still have a profile up on match but recently joined Plenty of Fish, which is free. I am sure it is probably a "meat market" for the younger set but I have not found that to be the case at my age level.

The thing that I find funny (in a sad way!) is that the men I have interest in and send a message to rarely respond, even though I do take care to READ their profiles and pick out something to ask them about. The men that message me are rarely the ones I would be interested in! I am VERY picky, but I am just looking for dating. I feel no need at this point to get married again. I recently updated my description to say that I would not respond to initial messages that offered no indication that they had actually read my profile. Of course, most men don't even read that much... they send a "hi" just based on photos.

Still, online dating has been entertaining. I think a lot of it has to do with your attitude. I actually shy away from the ones on POF that say "is serious and wants to find someone to marry" just because that's not where I am right now in my life, and I don't want someone to contact me with that goal in mind.

OP, you don't say (I don't think) how old you are. Maybe men your age are... flightier than men my age?

 

[Caradana]

I'd like to see an actual copy-paste from your profile (or little parts of it) and not "I talk about X and Y and Z".

In a previous post, you said something like "I don't think I am great, I AM great". If someone sent me a message that had that vibe, or I read through a profile that has that vibe, I would think "NEXT".
Self-confidence is important, but that attitude is very off-putting, imho.

Also, if I'd receive a message saying "Hello, Nice dog you have, what breed is it?" and nothing else, I wouldn't spend too much time on the person sending that message, as that person shows no interest in ME, only in the dog that's on the picture.
In my opinion and experience, I like it when in a first post, the other person shows an interest in me without being too "agressive"/ pushy. It's nice if they point out what exactly in my profile caught their attention. A hobby, my job, a picture, my vacation style, ... It is a first step into a real conversation.

Same as Sultana! Can we take a look at the profile?

 

[Mkrop]

Whoever said cooking class - no. Men don't do cooking classes anymore. Not usually at least.

Volunteer organizations. Males and females participate in them. It is fun and it allows you to meet like minded people.
Sports - think co-ed intramural sports leagues.
Interest groups. Think what another person said - things that get you active or thinking. Fencing. Archery clubs or hunting (yes, I'm in the midwest and we hunt here). Church groups. Whatever.
Gyms - yes, get yourself to the gym. No matter what. If your overweight, you should be going anyway. If your normal weight, you should be going anyway.
No bars. It isn't worth it.
Running groups or biking groups.
Jobs - eh. Yes you can look at work, but that can backfire. But find out what the young professionals do afterward is good.
IF you still live with your parents - you need to fix that. Yesterday.

I was the one who said cooking class, and maybe not in the Midwest, but here in Philly they are very popular. My BFF's sister went to one recently, she said it was fun, she is in her 40s. My DBro, 30, went to one several years ago when he signed up for dating sites. He said it was fun and he did go on one date with someone he met at the class. He also went to Phillies games as a group and he said that was fun etc. I forget what else he did as one of these grooup dates. He did meet his current GF online but not at one of these events, but he said the events were a good starting point. He is moving in with this girl soon, they seem made for each other. So online dating does work for some people!

 

[FireDancer]

I'm going to go with the assumption that this is the poster we all think (read:know) it is.

I will guess that your profile reads a lot like your romance novel impression of what dating and marriage is which is why you are getting no interest. As others have said have a guy who isn't afraid to give you an honest opinion read it. If you brush off the suggestions of friends in real life as you do here perhaps there are none left who can do so.

Be interesting. If you can't rely totally on looks you have to bring something else to the table. Being interesting or intriguing is the second best way to get a guy's attention. The way to do this when online dating is to have interesting hobbies or things you've done in your profile and put them in there in a way that draws open ended questions.

When you contact guys online use something in their profile to show you are interested, what you have in common, and leave something in your message that draws a response even if at first glance they aren't smitten by your pictures.

Get the <expletive deleted> out of small town Indiana. If your social circle is small and never changing getting into a larger town will both change your social circle and expand it. You then have to actually be social. You know who never has trouble finding a date? An extrovert.

These threads really should serve as a warning to those parents who shelter their kids and don't allow them to date when they are teens. The time to learn how to interact and attract the opposite sex is high school. Whenever I see posts about how someone's usually daughter but not always can't ride in cars with boys or date and they are already in high school I think:

a) You are only setting them up to be behind their peers in the whole dating game of life.

b) They are doing it anyway. At lest hopefully so they aren't writing these posts in 10 or 15 years.

Whoever said cooking class - no. Men don't do cooking classes anymore. Not usually at least.

Men who cook do. I know quite a few of my friends who used cooking classes as dates as have I. Not usually first dates but second or third. One of the things you learn (hopefully early) is that you want to stand out and do something different instead of go on the same date the other person has been on 100 times. If someone says they like to cook a cooking class would be perfect. If they say they like to hike go hiking. Kayak go kayaking. Like history go to a museum. And so on.

 

[sbtrfly74]

Not sure if this has been mentioned before but have you looked into a website called Events and Adventures? Looks really interesting that they set up events in your area from wine tasting, hot air balloon rides to white water rafting with only singles interested in not hanging out with couples to have fun.

They dont have it in every state but I looked into it for my sister but you have to register to look at events in your area.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

My husband's cousin introduced us in a bar. We've been together 33 years, so it is possible to meet your life partner in a bar.

DW and I met in a bar in 1994 - been together ever since

And neither of us was actively "looking" at the time.

 

[Hrhpd]

OP has a long history of overthinking things. I truly believe you get back what you put out there and OPs post (on this thread and her prior threads) demostrate that she has a lot of preconceived notions about relationships in general and specific men she encounters that are not conducive to having a healthy relationship. Guys pick up on that. I think once she comes to terms with the fact that relationships aren't gauzy-lit romance covers she just might have more success. I think over the years many have been both generous and patient with their advice but once again she rejects any part of life that doesn't conform to her view of the world.

At first, I gave the OP the benefit of the doubt that she wasn't mmackeymouse. But now this thread is going the exact same way as every other one of her threads: excellent advice given responded with excuses why she can't take that advice.

Blueeyed or mackeymouse (advice goes to both people as they are clones): The problem I see is that you desperately want to date, but are afraid to. Like the church guy of mmackeymouse. You of she desperately wanted to meet him, but expected him to read "come hither" glances. When everybody suggested to just go up and introduce oneself, there was every excuse in the book why one could not just ask him to coffee.

You and she want the Danielle Steele romance. But when you meet somebody real, you immediately dismiss him because you are afraid he won't like you 30 years down the road or some other excuse why he is not good enough.

The more and more I read this thread (and perhaps the others,) it sounds like you have a true fear of dating. You want to date, but you won't do anything proactive yourself. You put all the dating responsibility on the guy. It sounds like that way you can always blame the guys (like this thread of "are guys always picky") and it keeps you safe from really putting yourself out there.

It was suggested in the other threads that mmackeymouse really need to connect with a life coach to help get over this fear (excuses). I think the advice is still spot on and would also benefit you.

Good luck. Everybody deserves love in their life. I hope you find yours soon. But you are going to need to do some work. As the old saying goes, you cannot keep doing the same thing and expect different results.

 

[Sultana]

I searched and read some of the mmackeymouse threads.

OP, life is no fairy tale.
As much as most of us wish that life is a Disney or Danielle Steel romance: it isn't. Things like that almost only happen in movies and books.
In real life, you have to go out there and create your own happiness.
ETA: And be flexible about it.

 

[Hrhpd]

Whoever said cooking class - no. Men don't do cooking classes anymore. Not usually at least.

Volunteer organizations. Males and females participate in them. It is fun and it allows you to meet like minded people.
Sports - think co-ed intramural sports leagues.
Interest groups. Think what another person said - things that get you active or thinking. Fencing. Archery clubs or hunting (yes, I'm in the midwest and we hunt here). Church groups. Whatever.
Gyms - yes, get yourself to the gym. No matter what. If your overweight, you should be going anyway. If your normal weight, you should be going anyway.
No bars. It isn't worth it.
Running groups or biking groups.
Jobs - eh. Yes you can look at work, but that can backfire. But find out what the young professionals do afterward is good.
IF you still live with your parents - you need to fix that. Yesterday.

I met my husband of 30 years in a bar. College graduate, upper management in a fortune 500 company, great dad. Not that any of that matters or makes him better than somebody else, but people think only losers are in bars. Not at all. There are all kinds of people in bars.

 

[Gamegrl1]

I'd suggest not worrying about getting into a relationship, enjoy your life with your family and friends, and let the chips fall.

This is great advice and it's where I'm at. Finally! Single, 40, homeowner, career, traveller, two cats, three nieces and I'm so busy I can hardly stand it!

But OP - I've tried a dating club, Match.com, eharmony, I travel, I've taken classes and been in clubs, tried to learn to dance...I've put myself out there. And I finally realized what I was doing: I'd get ready to go to an event and think to myself "Maybe today I'll meet Mr. Right!" and I'd get so disappointed when I didn't get even a date, let alone a husband. I wouldn't even focus on having a good time...I'd discount it. Finally I realized how dumb that was! I was allowing myself to have expectations of something wonderful and was just bummed when my expectations weren't met.

Now when I go out, all I hope to have is a fun time. I've become a more positive and friendly person and I just try to make the best of situations. It works really well. I get out of it what I can and give back what I can too and I enjoy life. For example...last Saturday I went to a costume party...didn't know a soul...didn't meet my future hubby...and I had a blast! I'm happy in my skin and I trust God's taking care of me. Although I'd love to be married, it doesn't do any good for me to stress about it...if it's going to happen, I believe it'll happen and if not, what's the point of me throwing myself at men or getting dolled up just to go meet them and having expectations that the next man I meet will be Mr. Right? (I'm not saying anyone else does this - I'm saying I don't want to do it.)

That may seem like a place you might think you'll never get to, or maybe you don't want to be there. People will handle things their own way. Two of the hardest things I'm dealing with right now are hoping I'm not alone in my old age (but it falls to me to be friends with people and keep them and family close in my life) and also...friends (or those who think they are) trying to "help" by telling me to "get out there". No. No. They think they're helping but they don't understand...they're trying to fix something that's not broken! If I followed their advice which is to go do social things for the sole purpose of meeting single men, that would be a HUGE step backwards for me! I do social things to have fun and if I meet anyone, it's gravy. I have fun, I'm not disappointed and I try to bless other people in my life.

OP, that doesn't exactly address your situation but I thought I'd suggest it as an alternative. Just enjoy life and if a special relationship is going to happen, it'll happen!