Anyone with a divorced parent who is basically a stranger? (Long Post)

[Antonia]

My DH's parents divorced after 37 years of marriage. DH and his sister were both married adults at the time. DH's father had been cheating on his mother for years, but for the 4 years prior to the divorce DH's father had been living a double life with a woman about 4 hours from here. No one knew it and he would have holidays with that family and holidays with our family. It was a little tricky, but he had a job where he frequently traveled.
He also ended up bankrupt because living a double life gets expensive!
The divorce happened 12 years ago and ever since DH's father has lived about 4 1/2 hours from here with 2nd wife. He is her 3rd husband and she literally wants nothing to do with any of FIL's children, grandchildren. She has always tried to cause trouble and FIL even had to get it in writing that she would leave his ADULT children alone. They have separated several times over the 12 years, have had a few violent episodes, but always end up back together. Both are nearly 70 and I think they end up back together for financial reasons mainly.
FIL occasionally visits his sister who lives about 50 miles away. Sometimes they ask us to meet them to eat at a restaurant. We rarely see these relatives. Every time they ask they always stress that we are going "Dutch". We have never not paid for our own meal. We are very capable of paying our own way.
Tonight they were grouping up for a meal at Ryan's Steakhouse. These meals are NEVER enjoyable for anyone. There is still lingering tension from the divorce and all that he put the family through. This time we did not attend. Just decided that we are too busy to travel to eat a very unenjoyable meal with people who are practically strangers. However, DH's sister would crawl over hot coals to eat with her father. He still owes her husband $1,500 and has for nearly three years. FIL claims to disllike her DH and he is not allowed to attend these meals. She has to come alone with her two kids and drive about 50 miles.
Tonight, she called us again after we had already told her we are NOT going this time. She says "well, I love my daddy". Tries to put my DH on a big, old guilt trip for not going. DH is working 7 days this week.
Anyone else have a parent like my FIL who they rarely see and is basically like a stranger??
How do you handle this? It would be easier if DH's sister did not think we had to break our necks to see a man who rarely tries to see his children or grandchildren.

 

[bsnyder]

As hard as it may be, I think you need to keep doing what's right for your family and try not to worry about what your DH's sister might think. Just tell her she has to do what she's comfortable with and ya'll have to do the same!

Sorry you are going through this right now. Divorce is hard on families, and my pet peeve is parents who make it harder than it has to be on their children.

 

[Antonia]

When she called late this afternoon, I did tell her to go and have fun. That we have eaten with gim when she wasn't there and for her to eat with him and have a good time. That we would catch him the next time.
DH's sister left three messages on my cell phone and one at the house today even though DH told her yesterday that we are not going.
Then started calling DS's girlfriend to see if they were going. DS's girlfriend really has nothing to do with this and DS has worked the past 5 nights and tonight they were going out like 19 yo's do. And not to eat with distant FIL.
DH's sister amazes me. She is still child-like where FIL is concerned and will do anything to see him. And expects us to also! Drive us crazy.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Been there, done that. Don't see him anymore really. (FIL & grandpa to my kids, DH's dad) Took us a long time to figure he didn't care about us. We would bend over backwards when he would fly in for work. We would drop everything and go see HIM at the hotel he was staying at. As we all got older and realized that he was in town for "fun" and never bothered to see us AND he made special trips ALL THE TIME to see his siblings all over the USA and never once did that for us...oh yea, we wised up.

But it still sucks...if he died tomorrow we wouldn't know the difference. Sad for dh.

So yea, I know what you mean.

 

[Disney Doll]

Sad situation, but at a certain point, family or not, if someone is toxic to the well-being of you or your family(DH & kids) it's time to "let go".

Since FIL doesn't extend himself greatly, I wouldn't feel too guilty. What SIL does is her business, and you may end having to tell her just that. Your decisions are your decisions and her decisions are hers.

 

[syncer55]

My sister is divorced and things just feel different especially since she has custody of her kids from the previous husband.

 

[poohandwendy]

Anyone else have a parent like my FIL who they rarely see and is basically like a stranger??

Yes, and I just started a thread about it. My father is very very sick and our relationship is strained.

If I can give any advice, try your best to at least keep in touch. His sister definitely has no business judging your DH, it is HIS relationship with the father not hers. You are under no obligation to spend time with people you don't get along with. But your DH may regret it if he allows a rift to keep him from having at least a cordial relationship to his father. And a time may come where it is too late to mend the fences.

I wish you luck in resoving this.

 

[Antonia]

The Mystery Machine - I know what you mean that if he died tomorrow we wouldn't know the difference.
We have also bent over backwards to see him on MANY occasions - usually for a meal in some distant restaurant adn we always come away with a sad feeling - like we don't really know him adn he doesn't know us. A lot of strained conversation like "How about those Braves?" If it weren't for sports talk I honestly don't know how we'd get through a meal.
Anyway, we did not meet him last night. I'm sure DH's sister did. DH and I met our son and his girlfriend for dinner. DH and I went on our motorcycle. After dinner, they went to a movie and we came on home - twenty miles - and the last 5 miles we were on the motorcycle in a rainstorm! We laughed all the way. The rain was killing us and we were drenched. When we came in and stripped our wet clothes off DH said "this has been a lot more fun than eating with Daddy!"

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It is hard to come to grips with reality sometimes. For the longest time dh "blamed" the lack of contact on his stepmom. Finally a lightbulb moment went off and he realized it was his dad that was responsible for the lack of contact.
My dh grew that day.

It still hurts but "letting it go" allowed my dh to fully enjoy his own family.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

I hate to say it, but yes. I do have a father who might as well be a stranger to me.

My dad and mom divorced when I was seven and Mom married the world's biggest control freak jerk. My 'real' dad attempted to be a father in his own pathetic way from the time they got divorced until I was in HS. After that, I decided I didn't want anything to do with him. He has a drug and alcohol problem and his attempts at fatherhood over years mainly consisted of two things:
1)Picking us up on his visitation weekends to dump us at my grandmother's and not see us until Sun night when it was time to go home
or
2)Pick us up for his vacation weeks during the summer, then leave myself and my sister at wherever he was living at the time while he spent the days at work and most of the nights partying somewhere. Usually there was little food, no phone, running water if we were lucky. The places he lived were really the pits.

I have not seen or spoken to my father since DH and I's wedding almost 6 years ago. Well..I take that back. He was at my grandfather (his dad)'s funeral 3 years ago but other than that we have had no contact. About a year and a half ago, my sister called and said she wanted to give Dad my ph. # and asked if it was alright. I told her not to do it. Lizzie said that Dad was having a nervous breakdown because he'd finally realized how badly he messed up as a father. I told her to tell him I said he did screw up and if he thinks he can fix it now, forget it. He had his chance to be a father. I told her I don't want anything to do with him and I didn't want to see him or hear from him ever again. I'm sure Lizzie relayed the message for me.

I also think (though I can't prove it) that Dad is where Lizzie is getting her drugs. EVERY single place he lived, I can remember pot plants and grow lights and whatnot in the closet. He was almost always strung out on something and acted very,very paranoid all of the time. I'm glad I've decided I don't want to see or hear from him ever again. The guy made my life a wreck growing up. You never knew if he was going to show up when he said he was. He was never there for birthdays, holidays or school performances. Half the time he didn't even pay child support. Why SHOULD I want to see this man anyway? >_<

TOV