anyone retire to diff state with no family/friends?

[shh]

So I'm going back and forth trying to make a pretty big decision and interested in the experiences of others who maybe traveled a similar path.

I 100% hate the heat, yet spent my entire life in a brutally hot climate, with ever-stronger hurricane threats to boot. I long to live somewhere cooler, with 4 seasons, but have zero family/friend connections anywhere outside of where I live now. (I'm married, no kids. My DH could go either way: doesn't mind the heat and would likely stay if it was solely his choice, but also is fine moving if that makes me happy.)

I feel like it's one thing to move in your '20s, '30s or even '40s - that's the best time to build family and life in a new community. But when you're already in retirement, just the thought of having no connections or help close by if needed feels so scary.

Yet, I also feel sad at the thought of living the rest of my life in a place I don't like. (For reasons I won't bore you with, wasn't able to leave earlier in life.)

Anyone at retirement age that was unhappy where they were and took the plunge to move someplace new, where they knew no one? How did it turn out? Were you able to make friends/connections in the new location? Were you glad you made the move or did you end up moving back?

 

[China Expat]

Great question! We retire in three years and are beyond anxious to get out of So Cal. We were toying with retiring in Oregon, but it would be far from our son and my mother and all of our lifetime friends. Therefore, we are now looking closer at the Northern or Central CA coast. Any place except the LA Basin. Over it.

 

[abdmom]

I am interested in the answer to this as well, but I plan to move to Florida.

I moved in my mid-50's. I love where I live now, but it is too expensive to live here long term. It is too far from family. I've broken a limb while here and luckily people that I barely knew helped me out.

All of my family live on the East Coast, several time zones from me, so it would be nice to live closer to family. I was widowed a long time ago, so being within a 2 -3 hour flight from my kids will be a great improvement from my current location, if I should need any help. I do foresee the day when I will have to move in with one of the kids though.

 

[lovin'fl]

We are not yet retirement age but newly empty nest. We also have moved many times over the course of our marriage. Here are some of my thoughts.

A) we are from a colder climate with high COL and congested busy area (all our family is there). We actually want warmer weather for retirement. But as we get older we can't handle the extreme heat and humidity of summer time in the south (we lived in NC a few times). So what we plan to do, and it may change, is have 2 places. One in the north and one in the south. We are currently thinking we will do a quarter share 2 bedroom condo in Hilton Head that gives us 13 weeks a year (basically a 2 week rotating schedule with 3 other owners). We will get a few weeks in the winter to get away from the snow and cold in the north and then also a few weeks in prime beach time to enjoy that as well. And the place we are looking at has many retirees also owning there (guess with 13 weeks a year you need to pretty much be retired or WFH). That might be something to consider. Or even owning a condo outright. Maybe own a condo in each place, south by family and north where you want to get away from heat.

B) when our last kiddos (twins) graduated HS, in 2017, we moved to NC. We had lived there before and we loved the COL and slower more laid back pace of life. But then our mid-70s parents started having major health issues. And we realized now is the time to actually be closer to home. So after just 3 years down there, we just came back up north this spring. As long as we have living parent(s), we will keep a place up north. Our twins are in college up here too and graduate this Dec and will stay up this way so we also will be near 2/3 of our kids as well. But I am having to help my mom and DH has both of his parents and his mom has cancer. So we really want to be around. It was very hard to be in NC during surgeries and other incidents.

C) our parents all live in the same towns/houses they lived in when we were kids. Their neighborhoods have gone to heck. There is crime and we worry for them. Their homes are also pretty packed with years and years of stuff. So to move them now seems very daunting. Plus all their friends are nearby. But had they moved into a nice condo when they were 50-60, that would have been ideal. We ALL would have been younger and more able to sort through their junk and pack them up and move them. They, then, would have had plenty of time to make new friends. Especially if they had moved into a 55+ community or somewhere with a lot of other older retired folks. The townhome we just moved from, in NC, was in a small neighborhood of mostly retired folks (since they were all 1st floor masters and HOA did the lawn care). So you want to find a place where you can get in and meet others.

Basically, if it's something you want to do then the sooner (younger) the better. More able to pack and move. Longer time to get to know new people. When my dad died my parents were 54. I wanted my mom to sell the big home/yard (and boat) and move into something more manageable and where she could meet people. But her friends all told her to wait. That was 19 years ago. And now she is having trouble maintaining. It is a waterfront home and really requires some hard core up keep. I go help and it's even too much for me. BUt it is more scary for her to now try and start over somewhere new. And the packing and moving would be a lot for her.

However, if you guys have parents still around...that is something to consider. Being near them in case they need you. I can now drive 1 hour and 45 mins to go help my mom but when we were in NC it was a 6+ hour drive to get up there (through DC and NoVa). That was not something we could do frequently or at the drop of a hat in case of emergency.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

So I'm going back and forth trying to make a pretty big decision and interested in the experiences of others who maybe traveled a similar path.

I 100% hate the heat, yet spent my entire life in a brutally hot climate, with ever-stronger hurricane threats to boot. I long to live somewhere cooler, with 4 seasons, but have zero family/friend connections anywhere outside of where I live now. (I'm married, no kids. My DH could go either way: doesn't mind the heat and would likely stay if it was solely his choice, but also is fine moving if that makes me happy.)

I feel like it's one thing to move in your '20s, '30s or even '40s - that's the best time to build family and life in a new community. But when you're already in retirement, just the thought of having no connections or help close by if needed feels so scary.

Yet, I also feel sad at the thought of living the rest of my life in a place I don't like. (For reasons I won't bore you with, wasn't able to leave earlier in life.)

Anyone at retirement age that was unhappy where they were and took the plunge to move someplace new, where they knew no one? How did it turn out? Were you able to make friends/connections in the new location? Were you glad you made the move or did you end up moving back?

Yes, and no.

When were were headed to retirement, we had all but decided on Prescott, AZ. We wanted out of California and Prescott was still within a comfortable traveling distance to family on both sides who would still be in CA and some in AZ.

We even got as far as going there a couple of times for a week and looking at houses, and picking out a church.

Then we found that our health coverage (Kaiser) doesn't have a very big presence in AZ. And finding a doctor in the Prescott area willing to take new Medicare patients could be a problem. We decided we're too old to have to find a new doctor, what with all the "I'm your new doctor, let's go over everything I need to know about your health" questions.

So here we are, still in So Cal. But we bought an RV and take lots of long trips out of the state.

 

[martikus]

I feel retirement is when you can move. Make sure to move into an over 55 community and should be lots of activity. My parents have done it twice and had no trouble making friends through things like golf and garden club.

tbat said if there are grandchildren or aging parents you need to worry about....I’d probably
Stay put.

 

[Praying Colonel]

Right now the plan for DW and me is to retire to Florida, live there part of the year, rent our place out part of the year and use the rental money to travel, like this couple:

https://seniornomads.com/
We haven't done it yet, but we have no problem taking the plunge on our own.

 

[barkley]

yup. always wanted to get out of california so when i became eligible for my pension we sold and moved to washington (eastern side) not knowing a single soul. better cost of living, 4 seasons, a wealth of medical providers/hospitals-and when there's not a pandemic there are plenty of things to do/engage in to meet people. no desire to move into an older adults community (actually not many around here-seems most people wait until they need assisted living for that sort of set-up). i'm 20 minutes from an airport so if i desired to visit family elsewhere or they to come see us-it would still be faster to fly vs. the distance/traffic we dealt with in california.

 

[shh]

We are not yet retirement age but newly empty nest. We also have moved many times over the course of our marriage. Here are some of my thoughts.

A) we are from a colder climate with high COL and congested busy area (all our family is there). We actually want warmer weather for retirement. But as we get older we can't handle the extreme heat and humidity of summer time in the south (we lived in NC a few times). So what we plan to do, and it may change, is have 2 places. One in the north and one in the south. We are currently thinking we will do a quarter share 2 bedroom condo in Hilton Head that gives us 13 weeks a year (basically a 2 week rotating schedule with 3 other owners). We will get a few weeks in the winter to get away from the snow and cold in the north and then also a few weeks in prime beach time to enjoy that as well. And the place we are looking at has many retirees also owning there (guess with 13 weeks a year you need to pretty much be retired or WFH). That might be something to consider. Or even owning a condo outright. Maybe own a condo in each place, south by family and north where you want to get away from heat.

B) when our last kiddos (twins) graduated HS, in 2017, we moved to NC. We had lived there before and we loved the COL and slower more laid back pace of life. But then our mid-70s parents started having major health issues. And we realized now is the time to actually be closer to home. So after just 3 years down there, we just came back up north this spring. As long as we have living parent(s), we will keep a place up north. Our twins are in college up here too and graduate this Dec and will stay up this way so we also will be near 2/3 of our kids as well. But I am having to help my mom and DH has both of his parents and his mom has cancer. So we really want to be around. It was very hard to be in NC during surgeries and other incidents.

C) our parents all live in the same towns/houses they lived in when we were kids. Their neighborhoods have gone to heck. There is crime and we worry for them. Their homes are also pretty packed with years and years of stuff. So to move them now seems very daunting. Plus all their friends are nearby. But had they moved into a nice condo when they were 50-60, that would have been ideal. We ALL would have been younger and more able to sort through their junk and pack them up and move them. They, then, would have had plenty of time to make new friends. Especially if they had moved into a 55+ community or somewhere with a lot of other older retired folks. The townhome we just moved from, in NC, was in a small neighborhood of mostly retired folks (since they were all 1st floor masters and HOA did the lawn care). So you want to find a place where you can get in and meet others.

Basically, if it's something you want to do then the sooner (younger) the better. More able to pack and move. Longer time to get to know new people. When my dad died my parents were 54. I wanted my mom to sell the big home/yard (and boat) and move into something more manageable and where she could meet people. But her friends all told her to wait. That was 19 years ago. And now she is having trouble maintaining. It is a waterfront home and really requires some hard core up keep. I go help and it's even too much for me. BUt it is more scary for her to now try and start over somewhere new. And the packing and moving would be a lot for her.

However, if you guys have parents still around...that is something to consider. Being near them in case they need you. I can now drive 1 hour and 45 mins to go help my mom but when we were in NC it was a 6+ hour drive to get up there (through DC and NoVa). That was not something we could do frequently or at the drop of a hat in case of emergency.

What a thoughtful and detailed response - thank you.

Two condo idea is interesting! But I have to be honest and admit I'm way too lazy to own 2 condos, deal with moving back and forth each time, plus the cost factor of paying HOA fees and other maintenance stuff on two places.

You're good people to move near your parents to help them...that was one of the main reasons I was never able to leave when I was younger. I had older parents, one in poor health for decades and I was the only person they had -no family or friends. I just couldn't move hundreds or thousands of miles away - they were so good and sacrificed so much for me.

Sadly, parents aren't really a factor anymore...both mine and my DH's have passed.

"Basically, if it's something you want to do then the sooner (younger) the better." Yes....that's weighing on my mind...I can imagine it only gets harder with every passing year.

Thank you again for your post.

 

[shh]

Then we found that our health coverage (Kaiser) doesn't have a very big presence in AZ. And finding a doctor in the Prescott area willing to take new Medicare patients could be a problem. We decided we're too old to have to find a new doctor, what with all the "I'm your new doctor, let's go over everything I need to know about your health" questions.

Understandable. Our long time docs retired due to covid and no one took over their practices, so no longer any ties for us there. We'll be having that "I'm your new doc" discussion no matter where we end up, lol.

Yup...travel is one way to ease that strong desire to get out of dodge. Covid kinda blew that choice out of the water for now. But I'm thinking travel is the future "plan B" - if I'm too chicken to make a clean break, may have to up the vacations quite a bit.

I'd consider the RV thing too - sounds great. But no way DH would go for that as a lifestyle...he's very accomodating on any type of vacation or destination, with exception of camping and RVs....definitely not his jam...he's a hotel, housekeeping service and room service kinda guy.

 

[tvguy]

We had some decisions to make 7 year ago when my mom passed away. She lived in the same city. Do we move into her house, or ours? Do we sell one house and use some the money to remodel the house we keep? Or do we sell both and buy a retirement home and move somewhere else? We decided to sell mom's house, it was smaller but worth twice what ours was. We did a top to bottom remodel with some of the money from the house sale and turned our family home of 30 years into our retirement home. We were both 56 at the time.

Why did we decide to stay put? To be honest, we just know too many people who move in retirement and are miserable. They can't find Doctors and Dentists and friends and recreation they like. Some try to move back, but find they can't afford the house they sold here a few years earlier. My wife's Great Aunt and Uncle moved 4 times in retirement and they never were as happy as they were in the home they had lived in while working.
So that isn't the case for everyone, but I sure would do a lot of hard thinking before I moved.

 

[AnnaS]

Right now the plan for DW and me is to retire to Florida, live there part of the year, rent our place out part of the year and use the rental money to travel, like this couple:

https://seniornomads.com/
We haven't done it yet, but we have no problem taking the plunge on our own.

This is like VRBO. I am always afraid we will pay money and get scammed. Have a house with cameras in it . Have heard some not so great stories. Place not as advertised, area it's in, etc. etc. Unless I had a first hand recommendation for a property from someone I know well, I would be afraid. I know I am in the minority - so many people do this.

 

[kaphil]

Moved from California to Ohio when I was in my forties, spent ten years there. Got a part-time job and did volunteer work, there were many opportunities to make friends. Small-town life and the snow started to wear on me, so moved to Florida in my fifties. Felt great not to be considered old here due to the amount of seniors. Once again, got a part-time job, plenty of friend opportunities in a state where a large part of the population has moved from somewhere else and doesn't have family near. Went back to California for a year to care for a relative, the weather was great but the traffic and prices for everything made me glad to head back to the south. The heat/bugs/reptiles get to be a bit much, but a lot of us travel out-of-state a few times a year and that makes it manageable. If you're ready for an adventure, grab your DH and start your new chapter!

 

[VandVsmama]

So I'm going back and forth trying to make a pretty big decision and interested in the experiences of others who maybe traveled a similar path.

I 100% hate the heat, yet spent my entire life in a brutally hot climate, with ever-stronger hurricane threats to boot. I long to live somewhere cooler, with 4 seasons, but have zero family/friend connections anywhere outside of where I live now. (I'm married, no kids. My DH could go either way: doesn't mind the heat and would likely stay if it was solely his choice, but also is fine moving if that makes me happy.)

I feel like it's one thing to move in your '20s, '30s or even '40s - that's the best time to build family and life in a new community. But when you're already in retirement, just the thought of having no connections or help close by if needed feels so scary.

Yet, I also feel sad at the thought of living the rest of my life in a place I don't like. (For reasons I won't bore you with, wasn't able to leave earlier in life.)

Anyone at retirement age that was unhappy where they were and took the plunge to move someplace new, where they knew no one? How did it turn out? Were you able to make friends/connections in the new location? Were you glad you made the move or did you end up moving back?

We are not of retirement age, but we moved from CA to AZ several years ago when we didn't know a soul in Arizona. I do not regret it whatsoever. At the time that we decided to move, we knew that we didn't want to stay in CA due to its super high cost of living. There were a few factors that went into our decision making:

• We didn't want an area that got a lot of snow in the winter.
• Lower state income taxes
• Lower cost of living in general
• Had to be within an hour's drive of a major airport so we could get on a plane to go visit relatives
• Had to have access to a major medical center within an hour's drive. I'm talking big hospital with a cancer center, trauma center, decent ER, etc.
• Options in terms of employment in our respective fields
• Ability to buy a house without having to spend $1M on a fixer upper

If I were doing this all again but near or at retirement age, I would rent in the area first. And I'd probably consider staying for a month in a VRBO or AirBNB first before renting for 6 months to a year.

When I was a kid, my grandparents lived in New Jersey. Many of their friends retired to Florida and raved about how great it was in the 55+ communities that they'd moved to, complete with club houses, boat docks at the back of every house, etc. So pretty much sight unseen and having NEVER been to Florida in the summer, my grandparents sold their house in New Jersey and moved to Florida.

18 months later, they put the Florida house back on the market and moved back to New Jersey. They lost a ton of money in the process. The Florida house took over a year to sell.

They learned in those 18 months that my grandmother hated to sweat, hated the bugs, hated the extreme humidity, and HATED "living around all of those old people all the time." Had they just rented a place first before buying, then they would have saved themselves a lot of hassle and money.

 

[chickapin parterre]

People
* need to have a church or fraternal organization if you want to connect to people effortlessly .

We moved to Yuma, AZ from Oregon. In Oregon we never had a dinner, street fair or potluck with our neighbors. We have yet to have a potluck, dinner or street fair with out neighbors here in Yuma. What I have discovered is that people living here are exhausted from being old and entertaining or going to a neighborhood event is exhausting. So it does not happen. And that was the situation of our neighborhood in Oregon...to exhausted from work or kids to form a community.

Our community here in Yuma is on three levels.
* our first landlord was a property manager so he had a large late afternoon "Happy Hour/social hour. There we met peope, but in the end, it was the landlord who watched over us and our needs. from this group we have a small card playing group and have our valentines and St. Partick party and some nascar parties..

*wife has a snowbird cousin who lives here, large outdoor complex, so many potlucks there with surrounding neighbors, these folks are white collar retires., separate from the neighborhood we live in which is blue collar retires. From this group. wife has made one close snowbird friend. wife snowbird brother has just moved into Yuma, years out on the desert wilderness RV boondocking before. So we have a connection there.

* we are 15 years or more younger than folks around us, but our snowbird peers from Oregon our coming down in the winter. so that community is building.

the year round community we have changes with the seasons, winter time we hardly socialize with neighbors across the street....summer time we are over there every morning for sunrise coffeeand they are our go to folks if we have trouble...we both watch over each other...but we have no social connection.

What I have discovered, listening to people, is that social circle came from first living in a rv resort or rv park...there they had many social opportunities to meet people and select who they wanted to spend time with. Eventually those folks bought property, no longer needing the rv park, but still connected and inviting those friends into their new community. We have a neighbor who has a large social gathering every Wednesday in the winter, and we have not been invited.....because their circle is already very large...they don't need new folks....and that is the rule here...neighbors will not engage you...fear of what a burden you may be to their exhaustion.

 

[starry_solo]

Southern California born and bred here. Family and I have thought about moving out of CA due to the COL, but by the time I retire, the house will be paid off and all that has to be paid are property taxes, insurance, utilities. I'll get enough (knock on wood) in pension and retirement savings to have a good life in CA so why pack up?

 

[Praying Colonel]

This is like VRBO. I am always afraid we will pay money and get scammed. Have a house with cameras in it . Have heard some not so great stories. Place not as advertised, area it's in, etc. etc. Unless I had a first hand recommendation for a property from someone I know well, I would be afraid. I know I am in the minority - so many people do this.

Sure-we've used AirBnB & other services before & had good results. IMHO you have to do your due diligence.

 

[chickapin parterre]

New location (Yuma)
we had two choices....Bullhead City, AZ or Yuma...wife cousin snowbirds from Dec to end of march, so that was the final choice

we left from life long Oregon because wife was dying from the arthritis in her genetic joints. All she did the last three years in oregon was sit at the computer....all year round...July and august venture out into yard for a few hours. She had seen the culture of snowbirding from her grandparents and parents, so the idea of moving to the southwest was not strange. I grew up in Joshua Tree, so desert living was not strange. We made several month long February trips to explore the southwest, my interests could still be explored here and she could sit on the patio with her lap top...so choice was very easy.

Oregon Willamette Valley area is no longer an attractive area to live but , there are still ideal Oregon spots to live for the 4 seasons or to park an RV in the summers to leave the turmoil of southern US boundary areas.. Calif. to Florida .

Our Yuma rent is cheap, water is cheap ( no sewer, septic use) no utilities from NOv to May all day long...mornings and late evenings perhaps...but rarely. Gas is cheap and Yuma is a modern city with great food stores and medical care. Plus we are next to the safest place in North America, Algondones, Mexico . The savings on dental, drugs and clothing accessories is fantastic!!! Alcohol not so much and is controlled by US border..so in the long run little but some savings on Alcohol

Living outdoors is the number one reason to live here, even on a day that is going to 115, you can still walk in the dark of the morning, sit outside for an hour and not have to push thru rain or snow to shop. But the july to Oct 31 heat is a drag, it will wear you down...fortunately, wife has children In oregon, so we rotate between four homes in the month of August, and after this September ...probably September next year in Oregon also.

My wife will never return to Oregon full time. If I out live my wife. I will return to Oregon, I have always enjoyed the four seasons...but then my body didn't hurt. My wife pain is the number one reason to endure Yuma.

 

[chickapin parterre]

Four seasons....over rated if you do nothing in each of those season..

Oregon winter is snow sports, salmon fishing or the coast.
Oregon spring is yard work and long walks in the park,
Oregon summer is camping, harvest events, longer walks, longer excursions into the foothills, access to wonderful veggies and fruits, pushing physical extremes, outdoor entertainment ventures
Oregon fall smelling the summer sucked away and fretting about the coming winter

If you are going to live four seasons, have one season where you will leave the house every week to explore....alas..many folks sit 365 in Oregon.

 

[loves to dive]

I'm ready to move away, hubby not so much. I'm 13 years older than him and semi-retired (I go to the office one day a week for about 5 hours and work from home a couple hours a week, it's just me and the boss in the company now and he never goes to the office). We bought a RV almost two years ago with the understanding that we would use it the first year close to home and then start branching out for one, two or three month trips. He is an IT consultant so as long as he has internet he can work. Then Covid hit and all plans went out the window. I hate, I can't stress this enough, HATE where we live. I don't hate the house so much, although when we bought it it was with the understanding that it was just for 10 or 15 years, we have been in it for about 24 years now. I hate the town I work in, I hate the area around the town, I hate the part of the state, truthfully I'm not even sure I like the state although my family are from here (the state) and most live in this state. I told hubby not too long ago that I DID NOT want to die here. Our problem is he is perfectly content here. He has never lived anywhere other than home - south Georgia, and then came here for college (Athens, GA) and stayed. I've lived in 3 different parts of Georgia, Alabama, Texas, Ohio, NM, born in California and lived in Saudi Arabia. I would give anything to be able to move. I actually like starting over.