Anyone got any good jokes?!

[bajanswife]

Thanks for the laughs you all!!!



Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
> attractive
>> blonde woman from Oklahoma arrived and bet twenty-thousand
>> dollars($20,000)
>> on a single roll of the dice.
>> She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
>> completely nude."
>>
>> With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
> yelled,
>> "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop
> she
>> jumped up and down and squealed...
>> "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then
>> picked
>> up her
>> winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
>>
>> The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
> asked,
>> "What did she roll?"
>>
>> The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
>>
>> MORAL - Not all Okies are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all
> men
>> are men!
********************************************************
"

 

[wvjules]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police office who was also blonde.

The officer asked to see her driver’s license. The blonde driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does the driver’s license look like?", she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It’s square and has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed
it to the policewoman saying, "Here it is." The blonde officer looked at
the mirror, then handed it back to the driver and said:


"Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop."

 

[SplashLover93]

here we go......
Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons
Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
See if a yawn really is contagious.

Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.

Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B' and so on through the alphabet.

Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.

Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.

Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.

Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.

Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.

Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.

By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.

Try to raise one eyebrow.

Crack your knuckles.

Twiddle your thumbs.

Twiddle your neighbor's thumbs.

Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.

Little Johnny In Church
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."

"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"


Things Not To Say During Childbirth....
-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.

-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.

-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.

ok i think ill stop now

 

[Cantw8]

Hey, free....was this what you had in mind???

 

[Free4Life11]

wvjules these are great!

Everyone keep them coming!

 

[Free4Life11]

Hey, free....was this what you had in mind???

You bet it was! I can't believe how many responses this thread has gotten....woo hoo. I'm loving it.

 

[Sparx]

 

[Miranda Danda]

GOOD NIGHT Y'ALL!!!! Keep 'em coming. I will be checking this thread first thing in the a.m. to start my day off right!

 

[SplashLover93]

PMS and Lightbulbs
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS........

Ladies Bumper Stickers
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

 

[SplashLover93]

Reasons Why It's Good To Be A Man!
--Your last name stays put.
--The garage is all yours.
--Wedding plans take care of themselves.
--Chocolate is just another snack.
--You can be president.
--You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
--Car mechanics tell you the truth.
--You couldn't care less if someone notices your new haircut.
--You never drive to another gas station 'cause this one's just too "yucky".
--Same work... more pay.
--Wrinkles add character.
--Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.
--The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
--New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
--Your pals are trusted to never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
--One mood, ALL the time.
--Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
--You know stuff about tanks.
--A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
--You can open all your own jars.
--Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
--You can leave the motel bed unmade.
--You can kill your own food.
--You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
--If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she remains your friend.
--Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
--Everything on your face stays its original color.
--You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
--You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
--You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking:
"He must be mad at me."
--You don't mooch off others' desserts.
--You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
--You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
--You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
--You almost never have strap problems in public.
--You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
--The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
--You don't have to shave below your neck.
--Your belly usually hides your big hips.
--One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
--You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
--You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
--You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

 

[Cantw8]

Excellent, Splash

 

[SplashLover93]

Church Bloopers
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11th.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 

[Cantw8]

OK, if you are running out of laughs here...go check out the redneck wedding thread

 

[MNSusan]

I'm blonde and this one always makes me laugh...

Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

 

[cassi06403]

Church Bloopers
This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers...

Oh this one had me laughing out loud!! Good thing DH is away on business until tonight.. I might have woken him up!!

 

[SplashLover93]

Marriage Quotes By Men
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'


Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife
17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."


ok i hope you all enjoy em!

 

[Florida_Mom]

Okay, to keep up with the pirate jokes:

Q: Why did the Pirate go on vacation?
A: Because he needed a little ARRRR and ARRRR



Here's another one:

A brunette, a red head and a blonde walk into a bar. The brunette tells the bartender, "I'll have a C.L." The bartender says he's sorry, but he's never heard of that. "Well, duh," the brunette replies in her best valley girl accent, "it's a Coor's Light." The red head tells the bartender, "I'll have a B.L." The bartender says he hasn't heard of that one, either. "Well, duh," the red head replies (same valley girl accent), "it's a Bud Light." The blonde tells the bartender that she'd like a 15. Now the bartender is really confused and tells her he's never heard of a drink called a 15. "Well, duh," the blonde says, "it's a 7 and 7."

 

[disneysteve]

A guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and says he'd like a loan for $5,000. The loan officer says he'll need some type of collateral. The man hands over a set of keys and says there is a brand new Ferrari parked out front. The bank guy goes out and sure enough, there is a shiny Ferrari outside. He does the paperwork and hands the man a check for $5,000. After the guy leaves, the loan officer parks the Ferrari in the bank's private garage.

Two weeks later, the man returns. "I'd like to repay my loan." The loan officer pulls up the account and says the total due, with interest, is $5,015.47. The man hands over a check for the full amount and gets his keys back.

As he is getting ready to leave, the bank president comes over and says, "Sir, after you left, we checked up on you and found out you are a millionaire. Why did you possibly need to borrow $5,000?" The man answered, "Where else could I park my Ferrari in Manhattan for 2 weeks for $15.47 and be sure it would still be there when I got back?"

 

[Micca]

A guy walks into a bar but the doorman stops him and says "I'm sorry but a tie is required for entry". The guy doesn't have a tie, but tempts the doorman with $10. Doorman says "no way". The guy tries again with $20 with the same results. Dejected, the man decides to leave and returns to his car when he remembers he has jumper cables in the car. Quickly, he fashions a makeshift tie out of the jumper cables and tries his luck again with the doorman. As he approaches, the doorman sees the guy with the jumper cable
tie, sighs, and says "alright you can go in...but don't start anything"

 

[mrsheppo]

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!