Anyone else have a freeloader in their family?

[unbroken chain]

My ex-DH was like this and it turned out he had depression and a personality disorder to boot. Which makes sense, since if you think about it a person who spends most of his life unemployed or skipping from one brief job to another, likely has some kind of problem. So I would say, where possible try to get the person into treatment. Cutting the person off may be just the incentive for him to seek treatment.

 

[Pooh's Pixie]

Yeah, those degrees and and that job just sreams buffoon. I don't get why some people would over look the accomplishments of one person and heap praise on someone who is a comlete moron.

Don't you love that....my DH has a doctorate (dentist), runs two practices, has been very successful all on his own, yet when MIL writes the annual Xmas letter, she writes about how BIL (deadbeat of the family) now has his own "landscaping business" (read: he bought a lawn mower and now occasionally mows his neighbor's lawns like a 42 year old teenager!), while giving no mention to DH's second practice opening...
Not that we care to even be mentioned in the XMas letter, but it was all a bit much.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

TinkerbellMama,
I'm sorry for your family too and really hope it's not too late for your parents and brother. I so understand you getting testy. I find myself getting really angry these days to see how he hurt so many people and doesn't seem to care. I'll be hoping for good things for your family.

Thank you.

I am especially angry about it right now because he recently stole pain pills from my sister during a Christmas visit.

She developed a terrible toothache on Christmas Eve but it was too late to get in anywhere for the treatment she needed. Her dentist called in a prescription for her so she could make it through the next few days pain-free, until he could see her in the office. Well, her 12 remaining pills went missing on Christmas Day, and of course our junkie brother was the culprit. He didn't even know about the pain pills (we would never mention something like that in front of him) so he went into her PERSONAL bathroom (inside her bedroom, no reason for anyone to go in there except for snooping) and snooped around and found them and stole them.

My poor sister was so upset, and of course she was afraid to call the dentist back for fear he would believe SHE was a junkie! She suffered for several days in severe pain...Tylenol just didn't cut it. So yeah, we are all super angry with him right now. The good news is that it seems to have opened our parents' eyes to his true nature.

 

[suzannen]

My ex-DH was like this and it turned out he had depression and a personality disorder to boot. Which makes sense, since if you think about it a person who spends most of his life unemployed or skipping from one brief job to another, likely has some kind of problem. So I would say, where possible try to get the person into treatment. Cutting the person off may be just the incentive for him to seek treatment.

Unfortunately, we did get him into treatment and he was giving anti-depressants - all at my MIL's expense, of course, and then he quit. His excuse was that it took much time out of his day. He only wanted a therapist away from his small town so no one would know and the travel time was interferring with his getting a job. So, he stopped therapy and stopped his medication and uses his 6 day a week barely-paying job as to why he can't and won't go back. We actually think the therapist was just starting to get to the core of his problems which angered him and that's what caused him to quit.

 

[suzannen]

Not that we care to even be mentioned in the XMas letter, but it was all a bit much.

LOL - this made me laugh. In my family if your mentioned in the XMas letter, it's almost a fate worse than death! Sorry your DH was ignored, it doesn't make sense, does it. Well, tell him I said "good job!"

 

[Pooh's Pixie]

LOL - this made me laugh. In my family if your mentioned in the XMas letter, it's almost a fate worse than death! Sorry your DH was ignored, it doesn't make sense, does it. Well, tell him I said "good job!"

Yeah, believe me, we aren't looking for accolades...but DH always feel like they are boosting the BIL up so it won't seem like his DSis married an idiot, which she did. Sometimes I feel sorry for her (she is a hard-working professional, bought a house, etc all without his $ input) but then I think, she is an adult and she knew him a long time before she married him, she knew what she was getting into...
Anyway, thanks for your

 

[MAKmom]

Well - I have a 30some year old nephew that we all thought was headed that direction. 2 years ago he got married which was a shocker because really we all thought he was secretly Gay because as far as we all knew he had NEVER had a girlfriend. Right after the honeymoon his wife sat him down and presented him with her life plan for him. He was going to keep working his part-time job and then enroll in night classes at the Community College. After he graduated there he was going to go to the State University and get a business degree. After that he would .....

Anyway, he just said "ok" and he's done it. She still bosses him around like crazy but he loves it. He was also well over 300lbs when he married her and he's lost at least 50lbs because she told him he has to exercise.

Does she have a sister for my husbands nephew?

 

[suzannen]

Thank you.

I am especially angry about it right now because he recently stole pain pills from my sister during a Christmas visit.

That's horrible. How terrible that your sister had to suffer through such physical pain. Makes for a nice, warm holiday feeling, right?

Have others had holidays ruined like we have? I now absolutely dread the holiday family get-togethers.

 

[unbroken chain]

Unfortunately, we did get him into treatment and he was giving anti-depressants - all at my MIL's expense, of course, and then he quit. His excuse was that it took much time out of his day. He only wanted a therapist away from his small town so no one would know and the travel time was interferring with his getting a job. So, he stopped therapy and stopped his medication and uses his 6 day a week barely-paying job as to why he can't and won't go back. We actually think the therapist was just starting to get to the core of his problems which angered him and that's what caused him to quit.

You are probably right about why he won't go back. But, I think the anti-depressants have to be prescribed by a doctor, so if his therapist was not an MD, he must have also been seeing a doc for the prescriptions. So, even if he refuses to see the therapist, the doctor could still keep him on the prescriptions, which is not as good as therapy, but probably better than nothing. Of course the bottom line is that the patient has to want to change.

 

[Arielle22]

My ex-BIL was a piece of work. He constantly lied to my sister. He would get fired and not tell her. So she would be waiting for checks to pay bills and they would never arrive.

Later in the relationship, she hid her checks in a pile of sweaters in a drawer. He found them (only in her name) and took some. Not the ones on top but ones towards the back so she wouldn't notice. He would also go to an ATM and do fake deposits (envelopes with no money in it) to get cash back.

I paid their rent several times and I can remember my mom giving my sister food. Then I couldn't afford to help and they lost their apartment. At first they moved in with his parents. Then my sister moved in with my mom and siblings. The last straw was when they got in an arguement and he threatened to kill himself by jumping from a local bridge. I had to drive her to the bridge so she could make sure he didn't do it. After that I refused to help her with him. She saw the light and they divorced.

BIL also took my dh's motorcycle without permission and had an accident. He put the bike back without telling us but we noticed the dent. He denied but it was tough when the other driver filed against our insurance.

Then there was the time he worked as a delivery driver in a dept my brother was the mfr of. BIL decided to steal the cash payments and almost got my brother fired.

Or the time that my sister caught him in their bed with another woman. Ay, the bitter memories.

Years after the divorce we heard that he had MS. I was happy my sister had already divorced him because if he had been diagnosed before the divorce she wouldn't have left him.

 

[Camicar]

Names and some minor details have been changed to cover my butt:

Backstory: Female relative, Susie, is renowned for her ability to pick loser guys. If there were 100 identical clones in a room but one was a loser and his loserliness was undetectable to everyone in the world, Susie could pick this guy out and latch on to him in 10 seconds.

Freeloader male #1: Susie marries at age 18 to a guy who is 28 and drinks. A lot. He shows up 6 hours late to their wedding, drunk as a skunk and announces the only reason he showed up at all was to get free booze. He then proceeds to quit his job and Susie supports him. He spends most of their money on booze and his daily achievement is seeing how high a pyramid of beer cans he can make in their living room. Unbelievably enough, he finds a woman with a better paying job than Susie and leaves Susie for her.

Freeloader male #2: Susie dates illegal immigrant #1. Who asks for expensive gifts all the time, tells her that he won't accept anything with a value less than $600. Also quits his job so Susie can support him. Because Susie should be thrilled to have such a macho hombre in her bed at night, you know. (where is the vomit smiley when you need one?) Macho hombre goes home to visit mom and dad and comes back with a virgin bride of 16 and goes to Susie's house while she is gone and takes all of the gifts she's given him as well as some of her clothes to give to his new bride.

Freeloader males 3-5: more of the same as #2.

Freeloader male 6: Susie marries illegal immigrant (this is her 5th illegal immigrant). He also quits his job and then refuses to watch their children bec that's women's work. Also tells her when she is suffering with PPD that she is a wimpy American bec 'good Mexican women' never suffer from PPD and she needs to get off her butt and get back to work. When -- upon doctor's advice -- she tries to meet friends for a movie, he calls her mid-movie to tell her that he's given the kids bottles of bleach to play with and if she wants them to live, she needs to get back home asap bec he can't be held responsible for it if they drink bleach. Oh, and stop for some beer on the way home, too.

 

[Camicar]

He's an artist, so the world owes him, you see. He's always one step away from striking it rich, just needs a little seed money for the next big idea.

That reminds me of someone else I know -- I happily repress all knowledge normally! but your post triggered my memory.

Artist Boy is in his 30s. Still lives with Mommy. Refuses to get a job bec work is beneath him bec he is an artiste and the world owes him a living. Mommy lets him live rent free, pays his health insurance out of her own pocket, buys him a car (pays insurance for that too), buys him clothes, pay for his dates (which never go beyond the first date), etc etc. Also refuses to do anything around the house, bec that too is beneath him. Here's the kicker -- he is actually a talented artist who has had shows iwth multiple offers per piece, but refuses to SELL his work, because a true artist would never stoop so low as to accept MONEY FOR HIS WORK. But somehow, it's okay to FREELOAD OFF YOUR MOM INDEFINITELY!

 

[suzannen]

Arielle22 and Camicar,
Thanks for sharing your stories and to everyone else, if I missed a name. I'm getting ready to sign off for the day and am seeing MIL tonight. I will share these stories with her as well as your thoughts and suggestions (ie try to get him back in therapy or on meds, etc.). I really do appreciate what, for some, is a painful subject, and not one you normally come to the fun Disney board to discuss. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for for opening up and my best wishes to others going through this or similar situatons.
Suzanne

 

[TinkerbellMama]

Names and some minor details have been changed to cover my butt:

Backstory: Female relative, Susie, is renowned for her ability to pick loser guys. If there were 100 identical clones in a room but one was a loser and his loserliness was undetectable to everyone in the world, Susie could pick this guy out and latch on to him in 10 seconds.

Freeloader male #1: Susie marries at age 18 to a guy who is 28 and drinks. A lot. He shows up 6 hours late to their wedding, drunk as a skunk and announces the only reason he showed up at all was to get free booze. He then proceeds to quit his job and Susie supports him. He spends most of their money on booze and his daily achievement is seeing how high a pyramid of beer cans he can make in their living room. Unbelievably enough, he finds a woman with a better paying job than Susie and leaves Susie for her.

Freeloader male #2: Susie dates illegal immigrant #1. Who asks for expensive gifts all the time, tells her that he won't accept anything with a value less than $600. Also quits his job so Susie can support him. Because Susie should be thrilled to have such a macho hombre in her bed at night, you know. (where is the vomit smiley when you need one?) Macho hombre goes home to visit mom and dad and comes back with a virgin bride of 16 and goes to Susie's house while she is gone and takes all of the gifts she's given him as well as some of her clothes to give to his new bride.

Freeloader males 3-5: more of the same as #2.

Freeloader male 6: Susie marries illegal immigrant (this is her 5th illegal immigrant). He also quits his job and then refuses to watch their children bec that's women's work. Also tells her when she is suffering with PPD that she is a wimpy American bec 'good Mexican women' never suffer from PPD and she needs to get off her butt and get back to work. When -- upon doctor's advice -- she tries to meet friends for a movie, he calls her mid-movie to tell her that he's given the kids bottles of bleach to play with and if she wants them to live, she needs to get back home asap bec he can't be held responsible for it if they drink bleach. Oh, and stop for some beer on the way home, too.

Susie reminds me of my idiot neighbor. However, to my knowledge, idiot neighbor is only on her first illegal immigrant. She IS pregnant by him, though. And her previous entanglements have been with criminals. Her older sons' father is in prison for armed robbery. You would DIE LAUGHING if you knew the whole story...PM me and I'll try to find a link to the crime!!

 

[BethID]

I will have to join in too. My SIL is the freeloader of the family. Always had some excuse that she could not work, whether it was an injury, no one knew what they were doing, she should be the boss, whatever. In her first marriage, according to her, her husband was a lazy bum. However, he did work full-time at the post office; she thought he should do another couple of jobs so she could sit home on her rear with her kids.

Then she divorces first husband, and decides to move to California to find work (actually looking for a new man). That does not work out after 3 months. Her mom gave her about $15k to help with the move. Then she meets someone online. He is from Morocco and speaks limited English. But he is going to work 3 jobs to support her and her kids. She packs up and moves there so they can get married! But luckily for the rest of us taxpayers they are back here living off the welfare. He even got to emigrate over here.

Part of her problem has been that MIL had always supported her and helped her out. It was always just for "a little while". Well, MIL passed away a couple of years ago. SIL blew thru the money she received and has put out several feelers for money. It is all everyone else's fault for why she is a loser.

So. the take away message from this story is STOP SUPPORTING THE BUMS!!!
They are never going to get better and change anything as long as people are giving them money. Now no one has anything to do with SIL because she is a user. She sucked her mom dry and will do it to anyone else just so she can sit on her rear and do nothing.

 

[Stitchfans]

I think we all have ONE...

No doubt.

 

[Disney Doll]

Crazy SIL, who was a freeloader until such time as my DMIL passed away.

Adult woman living 1500 miles away from her "nuclear" family, by her choice. While DMIL was alive, every time crazy SIL came "home", in-laws footed the bill...airplane, limo, the works. Loaned her one of their cars while she was here, gave her gas money. Such HUGE amounts of carrying-on, manipulaiton and bad behavior form this crazy woman (SIL not MIL) that the DIS doesn't have enough bandwidth for me to go into it.

Fast forward to the period of time immediately after DFIL & DMIL pass away. Crazy SIL thinks "the estate" should pay for her to travel back and forth from the midwest to here, so she can "keep an eye on things" with regard to the estate. Translation:I need to suck every last thing I can out of the estate because I think the gravy train has left the station. DH is executor, the estate gets probated without everyone killing each other, although they came close.

Now her favorite refrain is "I always have to travel home. Why doesn't anyone come to see me?". Me, the "witch SIL from Hell" (as I fondly refer to myself...and I don;t usually say "witch" ) always responds "Yes, it is unfortunate you CHOSE to live so far away". When she calls demanding that someone take time off from work to come and care for here because she has had surgery (and she is a proponent of multiple surgeries, mostly for attention-seeking purposes), my response is "Isn't it unfortunate that you CHOSE to live so far away". When it's "not fair because no one ever comes to any of my kids things", my response is "Yes, isn't it unfortunate that you CHOSE to live so far away".

With me, she's finally stopped trying to manipulate or guilt me into anything because she has come to the slow realization (ILs will be gone 7 years this year) that IT DOESN'T WORK ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[freckles and boo]

I guess freeloader is a relative term. I have a sister-in-law with a PhD in a medical field. She has a very important job doing very important things but she is also perpetually "engaged" to the biggest loser on the planet and is emotionally dependent upon his approval. With his prodding she "borrowed" a large sum of money from my in-laws so they could put money down on a house that they couldn't afford. She repeatedly promised to pay them back and in the seven years between when she mooched the money and when they died she repaid them $500 of the $125,000 she borrowed. She had excuse after excuse and even repeatedly "forgot" to sign the promissory note her father asked for. She also repeatedly promised to visit (she lived 1000 miles away) and repeatedly broke that promise, too. I don't know that she would have done it without the boyfriend's influence but she is still an adult. She completely took advantage of two people who dearly loved her. And after they passed away she thought she should still have some inheritance coming to her. Her parents were so hurt by her behavior that the wrote her out of the will. She was actually surprised that her behavior caused them pain. She didn't nickel and dime them to death but with one big sweep she exploited them.

 

[suzannen]

So, just to let you know, I shared the earlier stories with my MIL last night (and will share BethID, Disney Doll, freckles and boo's stories as well as any others). She cried, said it made her feel a little better that she is not the only one who has fallen for this and again, admits that she made a massive error in supporting BIL for so long.

She has decided that she will try to be strong and when he calls again for money (which he does every month), she will say she will only give him very limited amounts (ie $1,500-$2,000 instead of $5,000-10,000) and only if he goes back to therapy. She will pay for the therapy and wants the bills sent directly to her (because she cannot trust he will actually go or that he might lie about the amount).

Meanwhile, with her permission, DH will begin to email him every single day about job openings in his area. He will also stress that he MUST find a job that will sustain his basic living expenses and provide health benefits, none of which he has now. If he does not show that he is at least attempting to do this within the next 2-3 months, DH will no longer transfer funds from MIL for him. So, we will see how it goes.

Lastly, this has been a really painful and difficult experience. But, it's also been a learning one as well. It makes you realize what an incredibly important role it is for us, as parents, to ensure that our children learn to be self-sufficient.

Thanks again.

 

[RitaZ.]

Yeah, those degrees and and that job just sreams buffoon. I don't get why some people would over look the accomplishments of one person and heap praise on someone who is a comlete moron.

I had an uncle like this. God knows I loved the man, but he was always asking for money because he couldn't keep a job down.

I have seen this happen in DH's family. I have never really understood it myself. Why would anyone praise failure, but dismiss and put down success? If these parents acknowledge and praise the accomplishments and successes of the successful child, then they're forced to look at their less successful/deadbeat child's failures/shortcomings. It's easier and less painful for the parents to avoid those comparisons. In a way, they're creating their own reality. Well, that's my theory anyway.