Anyone else have a freeloader in their family?

[suzannen]

This will be a strange (and long-sorry) request, but here goes:

My BIL has been dependent on my MIL to support him for over 25 years. He graduated from a top university, then a top law school, yet he has never made enough money to support himself. He closed his completely non-profitable law firm, chose not to work for two years and then decided to go work at PC Richards with no yearly salary (only commission), no pension, and no health insurance. He contacts her every month, always with an excuse for why he needs money and needs it immediately. My MIL knows that she should have put a stop to it a long time ago, but admits that she always hoped he would find himself and it’s too late now. She’s not strong enough at this point in her life. BIL knows that she has a lot of money and feels that he should not have to wait for her to die to spend what should rightfully be his. She cries and says she must be the worst mother in the whole world that her son has turned out this way. DH and I try to tell her it’s not her, it’s him. I point out that my DH, her younger son, has always been so responsible, caring and extremely successful, growing up in the same house. I really feel so bad for her and I’m so angry with him. She's in her 80s, is a widow and is battling breast cancer. The only thing that seems to give her comfort is when she hears from someone else that they have someone in their family that is similar because, it helps her feel maybe it’s not just her and she’s not the most horrible mother. We tell her, unfortunately, it’s more common than she thinks.

So, if you feel like sharing – do you have someone in your immediate or extended family that has freeloaded and used family members like this? And, how do you handle it emotionally? I’ll share some of these stories and any ideas with her. Thank you.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

BIL -
has never really worked. He's 42 now and enrolled in Community College for about the 22nd time. The thing is, everybody in DH's family claims he has this superduper IQ and the world just doesn't understand him. Meanwhile they treat DH who has degrees in Nuclear Physics, Math and Chemistry and is a VP of a Global Corporation like he is a know nothing buffoon.

I don't think I can even remember all the "careers" he's been through

Navy - about 3 months before he was given a "mental health" discharge. He basically made it through some type of Basic Training and was in some sort of advanced Corpsman medical training. People kept yelling at him and it upset him so he ran away - went AWOL. The Navy just called the family and told them where they though he was and suggested somebody go pick him up. The discharge papers were issued at top speed. I think the Navy understood it was best to get rid of him while they still could.

Nurse - but none of the hospitals would agree with him that his 3 months of training with the Navy was "just like" a Nursing degree and wanted him to go to college and actually get a degree before they would hire him. Go figure.

Car Salesman - lasted 3 days I think. I think he insulted a couple of customers.

Computer Professional - this one was funny. He ordered a diploma from the back of some Sci Fi magazine from an online school. They gave him a computer quiz to test his knowledge for a couple hundred bucks and declared his life experience extensive enough to just be graduated. His diploma literally says "Computer Professional." It still hangs on his wall in his bedroom. At the time I was actually working in IT as a Systems Analyst but nobody in the family wanted my opinion that this was a scam. They all chipped in to buy him a "Computer Professional" new wardrobe. It all fizzled after he couldn't get any job interviews.

Security Guard - not real successful because he has a mental health discharge from the Navy on his record and he can't get a gun permit. He was working for a Senior Citizens center as a night guard and there was an "incident." He's pretty well blacklisted with most of the Security Guard agencies in the area now but manages to occasionally pick up some work as a contractor.

Amway Salesman - MIL's garage is still filled with crap last I looked

Current - enrolled in Community College and has decided to become a --- God Help Us All -- Teacher. He did tell me back in December that he's having 2nd thoughts because the "government" interferes in education way too much and he could never compromise his "Love of History" by teaching the way the Politicians think he should be done. BIL might be a dead beat, but he has morals darn it!

Anyway, he's mostly supported by MIL who has her own issues but does collect Social Security and works a few temp jobs. She's 70 years old and is about to lose the house because between the two of them they've run up the Home Equity Loan and about $50k in credit card debt. We've talked about buying her home to keep her housed -- but if we did we most likely would be housing him for the rest of our lives.

There are tons of other BIL stories -- those are just a couple of the highlights.

 

[Robinrs]

I think we all have ONE...

 

[CapeCodTenor]

BIL -
has never really worked. He's 42 now and enrolled in Community College for about the 22nd time. The thing is, everybody in DH's family claims he has this superduper IQ and the world just doesn't understand him. Meanwhile they treat DH who has degrees in Nuclear Physics, Math and Chemistry and is a VP of a Global Corporation like he is a know nothing buffoon.

Yeah, those degrees and and that job just sreams buffoon. I don't get why some people would over look the accomplishments of one person and heap praise on someone who is a comlete moron.

I had an uncle like this. God knows I loved the man, but he was always asking for money because he couldn't keep a job down.

 

[FayeW]

I think we all have ONE...

To quote Zazu:

"There's one in every family, sire. Two in mine!"

 

[Fitswimmer]

OH yes....more than one.

Mother's sister-has never worked more than a week or two in her entire life. Hunted around for MD's that would classify her as disabled so she wouldn't have to work. She got it too...

Cousin-drank and drugged her way through HS, dried out to become an LPN and did really well for a while. Married and had 2 children. After child #2 was born, decided that she was "missing all the fun in life" and began leaving child #1 with her parents and child #2 with me and going out to drink and party with her old friends. Hooked up with drug dealer, left kids with single dad. Family stepped in-Gramma and Poppy took kids to daycare and afternoon responsibility for Child #1 (he was older and easier for them) and I took Child #2 from daycare every day and after school every day from the time she was about 6 mths old until she hit middle school. ( I call her DN here on the boards-but she's really the closest thing to a child I'll ever have.) Druggie drinking Momma still pops in now and then for holidays and special events, but has never contributed ONE DIME to either child, but has taken money, stolen money and drugs from her parents and anyone else she could. Child #1 is now out of school and working, he has a great job with a network in NYC, and Child #2 is now in college and doing very well.

 

[FormrCastMbr]

Yup, my brother. I will leave it at that cuz if I get started, my post will be 10 pages long. He is just a jerk that is taking advantage of my Mom, amongst others, who can't remember what she did 1 minute ago.

 

[CapeCodTenor]

OH yes....more than one.

Mother's sister-has never worked more than a week or two in her entire life. Hunted around for MD's that would classify her as disabled so she wouldn't have to work. She got it too...

Cousin-drank and drugged her way through HS, dried out to become an LPN and did really well for a while. Married and had 2 children. After child #2 was born, decided that she was "missing all the fun in life" and began leaving child #1 with her parents and child #2 with me and going out to drink and party with her old friends. Hooked up with drug dealer, left kids with single dad. Family stepped in-Gramma and Poppy took kids to daycare and afternoon responsibility for Child #1 (he was older and easier for them) and I took Child #2 from daycare every day and after school every day from the time she was about 6 mths old until she hit middle school. ( I call her DN here on the boards-but she's really the closest thing to a child I'll ever have.) Druggie drinking Momma still pops in now and then for holidays and special events, but has never contributed ONE DIME to either child, but has taken money, stolen money and drugs from her parents and anyone else she could. Child #1 is now out of school and working, he has a great job with a network in NYC, and Child #2 is now in college and doing very well.

Good to hear that those kids are doing well.

 

[Fitswimmer]

Good to hear that those kids are doing well.

It was a combination of family intervention and government help. Their Dad is a great guy, but he struggled on one income, so he got gov't help with daycare costs. He's working 2 jobs now to keep Child #2 in college, she's working and she got some student aid. Child #1 went to a trade school for broadcasting and he got some help too.

Of course, Mommie Dearest is living completely off the government. She's another one that scammed her way into disability payments.

 

[suzannen]

Keep these stories coming. Toby'sFriend, I love your stories. My BIL only wants to talk about the letters he's had published in the NY Times. I guess I never understand the sense of entitlement these folks have that they honestly don't seem to think they need to work like everyone else. I guess they're more "special" than the rest of us.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

We have one on each side of the family. Not complete moochers, but still freeload when they get the opportunity.

There's BIL, who thinks he's worth way more than he actually is (in the work world, I mean). Flunked out of college, finally finished his degree 22 years later. Filed bankruptcy, lost a house in foreclosure, only has his current residence because Mom bought it for him. I can't even count how many loans he never repaid to my MIL. But, if you ask her, I'm married to the "dumb" one (the one with his master's in mechanical engineering who never asks for a cent). Tons of stories there, but I don't need my blood pressure to go any higher.

Then there's my brother. He's an artist, so the world owes him, you see. He's always one step away from striking it rich, just needs a little seed money for the next big idea. When our mom died, we actually had a bet going as to how soon after the funeral he would ask about his inheritance (52 minutes--we timed him!) He thought he was going to get a check on the spot. of course, our mom had dementia, if there was a will, we never found it. DSis was the executor, she did give him a couple thousand to cover the sudden travel expenses. But again, if you had asked my mother, she would have told you that he was the "smart" one.

Maybe being the "smart" one is a curse? Or causes parents to not look clearly and forgive behavior that should be nipped in the bud?

 

[Dory's Twin]

Ex BIL was a druggie from a wealthy family, when the money from them ran out (ie his DM died) my loving sister divorced him....

this after 25 years of marriage, losing 3 homes to foreclosure, declaring bankruptcy....Asking me to cover for her and lie for her to our parents, help raise her children(anyways 20 years of my life spent trying to help and really just enabling her...but being used)...mostly I was scared of her and for her children. So many mean and nasty things happened.

6 mos later she met a man on E-Harmony, married him within 6 mos. and now according to my mom "is a completely different person and I should give her another chance"...oh and he is an "executive"! Bought her a new Infinity and new wardrobe from Ann Taylor that she just had to show me (by way of stopping by my house to give me her old stuff).

Her daughter DN20 called and begged me to help DN15 who was getting into drugs and my sister found out and called on the phone and called me every name in the book....said I was interfering etc...ummm, your daughter called me! So I said "no More!"

Sorry mom, I am now a completely different person and will not allow myself to be hurt by her again....something my DH of 23 years has been begging for and now my marriage is much better for her not being in my life.


So yes, we all have them..seems to be mostly tied to money, mental illness or drugs in most cases.

 

[suzannen]

It was a combination of family intervention and government help. Their Dad is a great guy, but he struggled on one income, so he got gov't help with daycare costs. He's working 2 jobs now to keep Child #2 in college, she's working and she got some student aid. Child #1 went to a trade school for broadcasting and he got some help too.

Of course, Mommie Dearest is living completely off the government. She's another one that scammed her way into disability payments.

That's what also gets me - that others, kids in particular, have to pay a price for their parents' irresponsible behavior. My BIL has 2 kids and one keeps dropping out of college and can't find himself either and has panic attacks. I hope they'll be okay too.

 

[lilsweetpea]

Does this mean there is NO hope for my brother? He is 25, freeloading off mom and dad with no ambitions, no respect, no job, no savings, no education, NOTHING! Please someone share a story where they someday have an AHA! moment and turn their lives around!

 

[lilyv]

These situations take two-the freeloader and parent who grumbles, but happily writes another check.

It's too bad most parents that are getting on in years probably wouldn't consider getting some counseling from a pastor or good family therapist. If they really understood that their "help" only cements the freeloader's dependency they might consider backing off and allow the child/adult to finally grow up.

Of course, there are parents who secretly like having a child/adult. It makes them feel needed. No amount of counseling will likely help them.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Does this mean there is NO hope for my brother? He is 25, freeloading off mom and dad with no ambitions, no respect, no job, no savings, no education, NOTHING! Please someone share a story where they someday have an AHA! moment and turn their lives around!

Well - I have a 30some year old nephew that we all thought was headed that direction. 2 years ago he got married which was a shocker because really we all thought he was secretly Gay because as far as we all knew he had NEVER had a girlfriend. Right after the honeymoon his wife sat him down and presented him with her life plan for him. He was going to keep working his part-time job and then enroll in night classes at the Community College. After he graduated there he was going to go to the State University and get a business degree. After that he would .....

Anyway, he just said "ok" and he's done it. She still bosses him around like crazy but he loves it. He was also well over 300lbs when he married her and he's lost at least 50lbs because she told him he has to exercise.

 

[TinkerbellMama]

I disagree with your assessment that it's not her fault. She is definitely to blame for the many years of enabling your BIL's unacceptable behavior. If she's not "strong enough" to stop, then at least she should try to understand her own wrongdoing and SEEK HELP! It's not too late for counseling. The fact is, she probably doesn't WANT to stop helping him at this point. Even the embarrassment and financial drain aren't enough to make her want to stop "loving" her oldest son...and she very clearly equates the monetary support with love. I would recommend professional mental help for her. I hope she can get the help she needs! She's not doing EITHER of them any favors.

 

[suzannen]

I disagree with your assessment that it's not her fault. She is definitely to blame for the many years of enabling your BIL's unacceptable behavior. If she's not "strong enough" to stop, then at least she should try to understand her own wrongdoing and SEEK HELP! It's not too late for counseling. The fact is, she probably doesn't WANT to stop helping him at this point. Even the embarrassment and financial drain aren't enough to make her want to stop "loving" her oldest son...and she very clearly equates the monetary support with love. I would recommend professional mental help for her. I hope she can get the help she needs! She's not doing EITHER of them any favors.

TinkerbellMama, she realizes now (and I agree) that it is definitely her fault in that she enabled him early on. But, I don't believe it's her fault that he turned into a such a lying, deceitful person. We just learned two years ago about massive lies he had been telling us all for over 20 years. My DH has been devastated to learn the person he thought was his best friend (after me) never existed, it was all a lie. She is going to counseling to help her deal with her depression over this. But, she is 82 and dying of cancer and knows she sadly he will not change now. Due to what she learned and at our advice, she has changed her will so he will only get paid in small yearly installments and to put money in trusts so he cannot spend his own children's inheritance. It's a hard lesson to learn about hard love and I hope if anyone else here is involved with this and it's early on - to please stop enabling these family members.

Meanwhile, other than TobysFriend, anyone else have any good outcomes?

 

[TinkerbellMama]

TinkerbellMama, she realizes now (and I agree) that it is definitely her fault in that she enabled him early on. But, I don't believe it's her fault that he turned into a such a lying, deceitful person. We just learned two years ago about massive lies he had been telling us all for over 20 years. My DH has been devastated to learn the person he thought was his best friend (after me) never existed, it was all a lie. She is going to counseling to help her deal with her depression over this. But, she is 82 and dying of cancer and knows she sadly he will not change now. Due to what she learned and at our advice, she has changed her will so he will only get paid in small yearly installments and to put money in trusts so he cannot spend his own children's inheritance. It's a hard lesson to learn about hard love and I hope if anyone else here is involved with this and it's early on - to please stop enabling these family members.

Meanwhile, other than TobysFriend, anyone else have any good outcomes?

I'm really sorry for your MIL's suffering. It really is too bad that she realized too late what she had contributed to...and I will definitely be showing my mother this thread. You see, I have a brother who is going down the same path as your BIL, so I guess I get pretty testy about this sort of thing. I tried for many years to explain to my mother that it wasn't healthy AND wasn't helping my brother to allow him to remain dependent on her for so long. My mother is still young and in good health (56) and she is FINALLY putting her foot down. My father (they are divorced but still friends) recently told my brother that the money he was giving him was the very last, and that if he needed further assistance he would need to move home and get into some type of rehab/treatment for his addiction problems. For them, these are HUGE steps, as they've been hemorrhaging money for years to him. I really hope my parents finally understand that there is such a thing as TOO MUCH HELP.

to your family. I hope your BIL gets his act together. THANK GOD MIL has listened to you guys and modified the will. Can you imagine, otherwise??

 

[suzannen]

TinkerbellMama,
I'm sorry for your family too and really hope it's not too late for your parents and brother. I so understand you getting testy. I find myself getting really angry these days to see how he hurt so many people and doesn't seem to care. I'll be hoping for good things for your family.