Anyone dealing with someone with BPD?

[beckmrk04]

I was just wondering if anyone here has experience in dealing with someone you love that has borderline personality disorder?

I strongly suspect that my mom suffers from BPD, but there's no way I could tell her because I know exactly how she'd react: "It's not ME, it's you; you are a horrible, terrible, ungrateful child" etc, etc. Those things used to really bother me when I was younger, but now- not so much. I'm more comfortable knowing that she's an adult and responsible for her own behavior- it's not up to me to fix it. But still yet, I'm having trouble just maintining a relationship with her.

So. Help? Advice? Anything?

 

[unbroken chain]

Scroll down for sub-forum for people with parents with bpd:

http://www.bpdfamily.com/discussions/message-board.htm

There are additional forums at above link that are hidden until you register.

Good luck. People with bpd will always try to turn things around so that it's "your fault". These forums will help you connect with others in your situation.

Site with general info:
http://bpdcentral.com/index.php

ETA: The "classic" books on the subject in the borderline community seem to be "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and for those with bpd mothers, "Understanding the Borderline Mother."

 

[KaitlinsMom]

I was going to recommend that message board as well - It's really tough when it is a family member - Really tough -

I would also recommend the book "Stop walking on eggshells" - That book really helped me out as far as understanding BPD and how to set set boundaries with someone that has BPD - That is one of the biggest guilt areas I have had to deal with -

Feel free to PM me - I agree with the above poster, they always try to turn things around on you or someone else - They are somehow always the victim -

 

[beckmrk04]

I've just finished "stop walking on eggshells" but I'm going to look into getting the one for adult children of BPD parents. And my sis has Understanding the Borderline Mother right now- it's next on my reading list.

I've looked a little at the bpd central site, but I haven't really done too much there.

I guess I just know where the relationship is going, and I'm sort of pre-mourning.

 

[Maggi May]

I've dealt with BPD with an in-law and I can't recommend enough the BPD family message board. Just knowing that there are others in your situation can be so affirming.

I was really struck by your last comment about "pre-mourning." It's a difficult process to mourn the fact that your parent will never change. It was so sad when my DH and his sister would talk about their mom having an epiphany and changing her ways. Never happened.

One of the mantras on the BPD Family site is: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't change it.

 

[beckmrk04]

I've dealt with BPD with an in-law and I can't recommend enough the BPD family message board. Just knowing that there are others in your situation can be so affirming.

I was really struck by your last comment about "pre-mourning." It's a difficult process to mourn the fact that your parent will never change. It was so sad when my DH and his sister would talk about their mom having an epiphany and changing her ways. Never happened.

One of the mantras on the BPD Family site is: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't change it.

Thank you- that's exactly where my sister and I are. And sometimes it's just not worth the drama, the tension. But it's hard to just cut ties. And I know she'll be on the phone to every family member we have and she'll be trying to get people "on her side." It's so exhausting.

 

[Maggi May]

And I know she'll be on the phone to every family member we have and she'll be trying to get people "on her side." It's so exhausting.

Ahh, the Flying Monkeys who are "just trying to help." You know..."can't you be the bigger person?" . . . "I don't know how you can be so mean to your own mother." . . . "Your mom has always been this way." . . . "Honor thy father and mother."

It can really be difficult with family members, especially if you are the first person to actually do something and speak up about a BPD's behavior. It upsets the apple cart -- the family dynamics that may have tiptoed around the behavior for years.

Some people find it better to ease into Limited Contact rather than a complete cut-off. Reduce the amount of interaction and politely and firmly terminate phone calls and conversations where the BPD acts inappropriately. It's had to get that distance and not get sucked into the drama, but after my DH had more insight into his mom's behavior it almost became predictable and easier to anticipate and manage. Not to say that it doesn't still hurt.

OK, I'll stop rambling here.

Oh, and your DD's picture is adorable!

 

[beckmrk04]

Thank you Maggi (and thanks for the nice compliment- I agree, of course- she's a total sweetie pie).

And the first paragraph of your last post is so familiar to me. Too familiar. But, I'm finally at a point in my life where I feel secure about my choices and I'm not just taking care of me, but my DD too. And that is my #1 priority.

But, I gotta admit- the "how can you be so terrible to your own mother" comment makes me crazy. I just want someone to have to go back in time and spend the last 17 years in my shoes. And then report back to me. Because I am not a cruel or mean person. But my mom brings out the ugliness in me like no one else. And my responses are works in progress, and I'm getting better now that I'm older and starting to understand what I'm dealing with. When I was a teenager it was so much harder.

 

[sha_lyn]

I strongly suspect that my mother has BPD. There was a thread on here not too long ago, and some of the behaviors that DISer's posted about sounded like they were talking about my mother/my life

But, I gotta admit- the "how can you be so terrible to your own mother" comment makes me crazy

Oh yes I get the the "but that is just how she has always been. you need to accept her for who she is." Sorry but that jsut doesn't work when your mother calls you a ***** and a lier because she can't deal with the fact that you were molested. Yes I understand that she will make me out to be the bad guy because she can't accept the fact that perfect people don't exist, but it gets a little tiring to here that everything, from her unhappy marriage, to me being molested, to my teenager misbehaving is all my fault. If I had just done things her way/the right way everyone would be happy, but aparently I'm all set on making everyone's life misserable.

 

[KaitlinsMom]

That message board really helped me to not feel so alone - I actually haven't been there in awhile and should go back there -

My BPD is my step-daughter, who received this wonderful gift of BPD from her mother. You think having a mother with it is hard (with others giving you guilt) it's just as hard with a child (she's an adult now, but I get the comments like "how can you do that to your daughter", or, "you should really help her out more"; "you're too hard on her" etc) We have had custody of her since she was 5 (because of her mother always being all over the place) but genetics, unfortunately, just played a bigger role with her. I love her as my own, and that is what makes it so hard. She doesn't live at home anymore, she lives with her boyfriend. And now her boyfriend is having a really hard time with her......

What makes it hard, no matter who has it, is that they DO have a wonderful side to them. There are times and moments that you think "maybe they are changing, maybe this is going away" only to be snapped back into reality.

I wish everyone strength, courage, and sanity - because at times, it seems like you are losing your sanity!!

 

[MinnieFan4ever]

My father in law is. It is really hard for the whole family. I just so hard to understand why people with this disorder can be so mean. Cut to the bone mean and think they are the nicest people on earth. We, along with his doctor, told him 6 months ago that he needed help. Well, as you can guess, it did not go over well. The only positive thing is, at least we were able to change his meds. It has seemed to help.

Good luck.

BTW- thanks for the link.

 

[beckmrk04]

KaitlinsMom: Oh, I can only imagine how hard it is with a child.

I joined the adult kids of BPD parents group- reading some of the stories, oh is it familiar.

 

[TaraPA]

Here's a question for ya'll....I have an employee who confided in me that she's bi-polar & medicated for it, and it's under control. I know nothing about BPD, so I have no way to confirm/deny this. She does like to be in the spotlight & have all the attention, so there's always the chance that she is making this up. That's why I'm asking all you experts dealing with this on a daily basis - she has shown some odd behaviors over the last few months, and I have no idea if this truly is a result of BPD, or maybe she's just emotionally unstable. For example, one day I am her best friend & she's bending over backwards to please me, the next day I get the silent treatment, I'm out to get her fired, I'm saying things behind her back, etc. etc. She pulls this on a weekly basis, we're never sure how she will act or who she will hate when she comes in. She also has emotional outbursts not normal for an adult in public. Once she couldn't find her car keys after a shift & literally threw herself onto the ground in public & pounded her fists, screamed & cried like a baby. (Ok I might do this at home but I can control it in public!) Starbucks gave her the wrong drink once & she threw the full cup at the wall & went into a screaming rage about it for 20 min. It's not always rage, sometimes just bawling uncontrollably for something that seems minor. I do feel bad for her, she is a great employee & has never done anything extreme that would compromise her job, but it worries me that she can swing from completely normal to "everyone is out to get me and it's YOUR fault" 2 seconds flat. Are these typical BPD behaviors, or something else?

BTW kudos to all of you dealing with this within your family, you are all so brave!

 

[lillielil]

I was just wondering if anyone here has experience in dealing with someone you love that has borderline personality disorder?

I strongly suspect that my mom suffers from BPD, but there's no way I could tell her because I know exactly how she'd react: "It's not ME, it's you; you are a horrible, terrible, ungrateful child" etc, etc. Those things used to really bother me when I was younger, but now- not so much. I'm more comfortable knowing that she's an adult and responsible for her own behavior- it's not up to me to fix it. But still yet, I'm having trouble just maintining a relationship with her.

So. Help? Advice? Anything?

There's a really helpful book on my shelf called Surviving a Borderline Parent. I strongly suggest you read it. My MIL suffers from BPD and my DW (who was also diagnosed at one point, but not nearly as bad as MIL, if the diagnosis was even right) said that the book must have been written just for her.

Unfortunately, the only way I could deal with my own father's mental illness (bi-polar) was to completely cut him out of my life. I'm just not willing to subject myself to that amount of violence.

OP, kudos to you for wanting to work on it! Best of luck.

 

[beckmrk04]

There's a really helpful book on my shelf called Surviving a Borderline Parent. I strongly suggest you read it. My MIL suffers from BPD and my DW (who was also diagnosed at one point, but not nearly as bad as MIL, if the diagnosis was even right) said that the book must have been written just for her.

Unfortunately, the only way I could deal with my own father's mental illness (bi-polar) was to completely cut him out of my life. I'm just not willing to subject myself to that amount of violence.

OP, kudos to you for wanting to work on it! Best of luck.

It's in my cart at Barnes & Noble.com!

 

[beckmrk04]

Here's a question for ya'll....I have an employee who confided in me that she's bi-polar & medicated for it, and it's under control. I know nothing about BPD, so I have no way to confirm/deny this. She does like to be in the spotlight & have all the attention, so there's always the chance that she is making this up. That's why I'm asking all you experts dealing with this on a daily basis - she has shown some odd behaviors over the last few months, and I have no idea if this truly is a result of BPD, or maybe she's just emotionally unstable. For example, one day I am her best friend & she's bending over backwards to please me, the next day I get the silent treatment, I'm out to get her fired, I'm saying things behind her back, etc. etc. She pulls this on a weekly basis, we're never sure how she will act or who she will hate when she comes in. She also has emotional outbursts not normal for an adult in public. Once she couldn't find her car keys after a shift & literally threw herself onto the ground in public & pounded her fists, screamed & cried like a baby. (Ok I might do this at home but I can control it in public!) Starbucks gave her the wrong drink once & she threw the full cup at the wall & went into a screaming rage about it for 20 min. It's not always rage, sometimes just bawling uncontrollably for something that seems minor. I do feel bad for her, she is a great employee & has never done anything extreme that would compromise her job, but it worries me that she can swing from completely normal to "everyone is out to get me and it's YOUR fault" 2 seconds flat. Are these typical BPD behaviors, or something else?

BTW kudos to all of you dealing with this within your family, you are all so brave!

Bi-polar is different than BPD (which stands for borderline personality disorder). And there is definitely something going on with your employee, it sounds like, although from what I have read, people with BPD can also be bi-polar. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.

 

[1DISNEYLVR]

I know this from all sides. My mother is BPD, I have recognized BPD tendencies in myself & my DD19 is bipolar & BPD. Yes, bipolar & BPD can & do frequently co-exist. It's a horrible disorder for everyone involved, and as much as BPDs inflict pain on others, they are in terrible pain themselves. My mother said horrible things to me as a child & still says inappropriate things. She is much better as she gets older, but sometimes she still says things that are very hurtful. It's hard to deal with, but I also know she loves me very much. I only very recently found out about BPD through working with my DD's therapist. It has helped me to know that my mother has an illness & isn't simply a mean person. What is more difficult for me is dealing with DDs illness. You can distance yourself from your parents, but when it's your child, it's much more difficult to set boundaries. I don't have a lot of advice to give other than to get counseling & learn as much as you can about this horrible disorder.

 

[angwill]

I don't know if my mother has BPD I do know she is severely depressed, agoraphobic, and self pittying. All my life I was the mean and cruel one any time I would not do things for her the way she wanted them to be done and everyone knew how cruel and mean I was because she would set up bad situations to show them. She was just trying to guilt me into doing things her way. It was actually a joke with my friends when we grew up and still is.

All I can say to you is that when you finally put things to rest (it is just like morning a loss) and accept that she is who she is and set your boundries for what you will tollerate for me it was like a peace came over me and freed me from the madness. Before that I was so angry any time I talked to her or about her and that anger affected the ones I love but no more. I chose no contact unless absolutly necessary and caller ID helps with that. When I see my mother I treat her with respect and when she says she loves me I tell her I never doubted that she did. I now recognize that she loves me the only way she can even though it is not a normal love or the love I have fought for from her for so long it is all she is capable of giving me. Now when anyone says anything about my mother I am the one looking at them saying that is who she is, she always has been and always will be and I truely don't let it affect me anymore. Honestly, it is only a few of her sisters who think I am wrong and feed into her self pity and honestly I feel that is their problem not mine and those are the ones that are most like her. It used to drive me insane though. I am lucky though that most family see her for who she is and they are the ones who tell me they feel sorry for me and how can she be the way she is. I don't need them to feel sorry for me and even with them I am the one who says that is who she is and she has to live with herself.

Good luck to you and know you are not alone. Deal with it in and all your thoughts, bury it, and you can be free. For me the key was to accept her for who she is, I don't have to like her behavior, just accept it, and deal with her as infrequently as possible.

HTH,

 

[angwill]

I do know a few people with bi polar disorder. One acts like the PP described to a T in that she is always seeking attention and threatening to kill herself if she does not get the attention especially from men. I don't know her really well though.

Another person who I am closer to with bi-polar goes through spurts like you described (she also has schizophenic episodes with her bi-polar) but when her meds are working she is just a bit slow but innocent without the outbursts. I try to remember that they were born this way and didn't ask to have these issues but sometimes it is hard to deal with. Her problem is that she would take meds and be fine, then the bi-polar would break through the meds and she would feel so invincible and happy that she felt she didn't need the meds since they only made her feel tired anyway. She would then stop taking them putting herself into a downward spiral and end up hospitalized over and over. What helped her was that the hospital finally recognized the pattern and it was happening frequently so they sent a team of councelors to work with her who came to her home weekly. She was just phasing out of that system because it has been about a year of consistantly taking meds and doing well. Now her boyfriend died so we are hoping they will stop the phase out and keep working with her on grief counceling.

HTH

 

[DisneyPhD]

Bipolar is an axis I diagnosis
Borderline is an axis II

It is very possible to have both. As a general rule axis II's don't respond to medications as well as they are personality disorders.

When I was working in mental heath it was a joke that borderline was the diagnosis you got for pissing off your therapist. It is a very difficult disorder to deal with.

I have been looking for a book that I thought was really interesting. So many are written by the view point of how to deal with it as a loved one Very few faced the issue 1st hand as the patient.

There are a lot of people that it is easy to Borderline personality traits in others, but they often never are confronted with the diagnosis themselves. Even rarer for them to be guided to take self responsibility for change. I think a lot of BPD go undiagnosed and treated (at leas that the patient knows of.)

This is as close as I can get to finding the book I was talking about. I think I gave it away to someone as it isn't in my book shelf. I was really eye opening for me to see it from the view of the person suffering from it.

Here is a link to book close to what I am talking about.

http://books.google.com/books?id=TZU7tqJPd6QC

Good luck.

I think my SIL has many BPD traits, but I don't know if she is Dx with it. I know she sees a counselor and therapist for axis I things.