Anybody want to admit their marriage is not all roses and rainbows?

[Took]

Well, LIFE is a pain sometimes, but my marriage is almost always the bright spot. Married my best friend, which helps. We also have a lot in common and enjoy many of the same things. We both have a sense of humor and laugh together a good deal. I think that's a requirement for a good marrige.

Happy marriages ARE out there. Our two best couple friends seem equally happy and we hang out a few times/month. That sort of reinforces the bond.

 

[mumto3girls]

I'll bite. I'll admit that having a baby has taken more of a toll on our marriage than I would have thought, and it's mostly all me. I'm a SAHM and I feel like after spending all day chasing after, feeding (I breastfeed and DS is still absolutely obsessed with it, even at 8 months), snuggling, talking to, playing with, etc. the baby, I just have no energy left for DH. I feel bad because he still puts in the effort - he hugs and kisses me, and tries his best to keep our marriage like it was before DS was born, but I just pull away and want my "me" time. Sometimes when DH hugs me or tries to cuddle, my skin just absolutely crawls... I'm just "touched out" by the time DH gets home from work and DS goes to bed.

I have hope that it will get better, but I will admit that it bothers DH more than it bothers me. I want to put in the effort for him... but it would be for him, not for me.

I don't think that there is a breastfeeding mom out there that hasn't felt this at least a few times. I know that I felt that way more often than not when mine were really little. I didn't really start to feel back to "normal" until they were each about 18 months old. That doesn't mean I didn't make an effort, but it was really an effort for a while. I'm sure it was hormonal and the time frame is probably different for everyone, but hang in there, I'll bet it gets better. My DH was pretty understanding about it most of the time, but I know it bothered him especially with our first. By the third he knew he just had to hang in there for a while.

I think these kinds of things make relationships stronger in the long run. The next time issues arise, you remember that you got through it before and can do it again, even if it is something different. Good luck to you.

 

[cm8]

My marriage is not all rainbows and roses, but it is better than sticks and stones. Some days I see me knocking my husband out cold on the floor in my day dream. Marriage is hard work and commitment and compromises. It will not always be full of sun shine and it does not have to be made of downpours either. It simply is.

I think that if we as people stop focusing on what others have in their relationships, we would find the joy in our own marriage. Marriage is not an easy thing but I believe that when you are covered under the blood and are equally yolked, everything that you need to have rainbows and roses were already given to you, you just have to plant the seeds, water it, nurture it and your marriage will grow.

When I stopped looking at what I THOUGHT happy looked like and lived my life the way I should, everything fell into place. There are no more gray skies here only rainbows and they are a constant reminder of Gods covenant to me

 

[KimR]

when you are covered under the blood and are equally yolked

What on earth does this mean???

 

[bdcp]

What on earth does this mean???

Basically they mean a covenant marriage. One that is faith based.

And they meant "yoked" not egged lol.

DH and I are evenly yoked.

 

[IdesOmarch]

It's crystal clear to me now why I get hosed so much on my threads. Nothing against you OP.

 

[ols386]

Our marriage is good for the most part, we don't get into it very often, but when we do, we both get angry and blow off steam, and then it's over and done with.

I do think having children has a big impact on a marriage. As much as I love my children, having and raising kids was pretty stressful. There were so many happy and wonderful times, but still plenty of stressful times.

And most of the time I was very much focussed on the kids, rather than myself or dh. We did eventually get divorced and I'm now remarried. But if I had it to do over, I would have made more time for the marriage.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

It's crystal clear to me now why I get hosed so much on my threads. Nothing against you OP.

Enlighten the rest of us. Not sure what you mean?

 

[ilovemk76]

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage but there are many extremely happy marriages.

I count my blessing everyday that I am in one of the extremely happy marriages.

DH and I trust, respect and love each other very much. I know he would never do anything to hurt me and he knows I would not do anything to hurt him.

We do have disagreements but we get over them quickly and oddly they are over dumb things. Stuff like: where to park the car when out shopping.

What we do is we always ask our self what would the other one want, do, need, etc. and then make our decision based on that and what we want.

When we disagree we each evaluate how important the issue is to the other and to ourselves. If we think it is more important to them then we give in. We each know that in the future we will get our way.

We talk about everything. We joke and pull practical tricks on each other. We have many things that we will say or do that mean something to us but are ours alone. We grew together in our marriage.

We want the same things out of life. We have grown in our marriage in the same direction.

We are each others best friend. We also have many friends outside of our marriage.

If the other is doing something and needs help, we step in to help.

Basically we see each other as a part of the whole but never lose our individualism either.

 

[graygables]

Marriage is not an easy thing but I believe that when you are covered under the blood and are equally yolked, everything that you need to have rainbows and roses were already given to you, you just have to plant the seeds, water it, nurture it and your marriage will grow.

I understand the reference here, but have to comment. My marriage started out very much under those circumstances ("equally yoked"), but as time went on, the boy ox got weak (mental illness) and started falling behind, leaving all of the work on the girl ox. Despite the girl ox's pleading with the "Farmer", the boy ox, and the rest of the creatures on the farm, she got to the point where she was dragging dead weight and had to break free from the yoke in order to not go under herself, taking her "cart" (i.e. children) down with her. To switch metaphors, seeds were planted, watered, and nurtured, but one of the plants evolved into something that simply would not grow in the garden, regardless of the water, nurture, and sunshine.

Point is, "sometimes life has a way of moving us beyond our wants and hopes" (from Tron: Legacy). Sometimes, despite our best efforts, prayers, etc., we grow in different directions and it can be painful and even permanent.

 

[mariolatry]

I'll bite. My marriage is in rough shape right now. I actually posted about it under an assumed name a while ago.

I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for almost 8 years. We have two young daughters. My husband has changed completely from when we first got together. He was so loving and kind. Everyone who met him commented on how much he loved me. He used to tell me about the unhappy home he grew up in and say "I'm never going to be like my father. I'm going to be loving and supportive, a great husband and dad. My family will always be so important to me."

Um, no. He works at least 28 days out of the month, and at an incredibly stressful job. He comes home and spends at least 3 hours a day on the computer, playing video games or watching videos on YouTube. He has minimal interest in the kids, talking to them for maybe 5-10 minutes a day. He has even less interest in me. He doesn't want to talk to me, touch me, nothing. He's pleasant. We don't fight, ever. We exchange relevant details about the kids, the finances, etc. But he is the most disengaged man I've ever met. He mostly just wants to be left alone.

I know he's not cheating. I thought he might be but I put a lot of time, money, and effort on the line to find out that he really DOES just work that much and play that many solo video games.

It's multi-factorial, I think. He's painfully introverted and none too social. He was never chatty, even in the beginning, and I think that dealing with people all day just wears him out. Also, the patterns he learned from his parent's marriage are a lot more entrenched than I knew. His cultural expectations for marriage are very 1950s. He doesn't know any other way to relate. He actually told me that he thinks our marriage is fine. "We never fight. No one's cheating. I don't hit the kids. We work together to keep the family afloat. It's fine!" He refuses to get counseling.

My parents divorced when I was two and it was really, really bad. I don't want to put my family through that. I thought it would be enough for me to work on myself; seeing a counselor, working out, trying to be grateful for healthy kids and a steady income. It's starting to NOT be enough though. I don't need a roommate. If I wanted a roommate, I'd live with my mother, who would not only split the rent but also watch my kids and mop my floors everyday. I could live another 50 years. Can I live another 50 years without affection? I don't know.

The problem is......I still love him so much. Being a good wife is important to me. I encourage him to pursue his hobbies (karate, mostly) to relieve his stress. I'm a good cook. I'm unfailingly supportive. All I really need is for him to ask me about my day and maybe kiss me every once in a while. I could stretch it out and make it work. If I ask, he makes an attempt to meet my needs, at least until the next run of double shifts comes around. I don't have an answer. But right now, I feel somewhat unlovable.


I'm sure I'll regret putting this out there but I know there has to be one or two people out there going through the same thing, and maybe this will help them not feel so alone.

 

[ols386]

I'll bite. My marriage is in rough shape right now. I actually posted about it under an assumed name a while ago.

I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for almost 8 years. We have two young daughters. My husband has changed completely from when we first got together. He was so loving and kind. Everyone who met him commented on how much he loved me. He used to tell me about the unhappy home he grew up in and say "I'm never going to be like my father. I'm going to be loving and supportive, a great husband and dad. My family will always be so important to me."

Um, no. He works at least 28 days out of the month, and at an incredibly stressful job. He comes home and spends at least 3 hours a day on the computer, playing video games or watching videos on YouTube. He has minimal interest in the kids, talking to them for maybe 5-10 minutes a day. He has even less interest in me. He doesn't want to talk to me, touch me, nothing. He's pleasant. We don't fight, ever. We exchange relevant details about the kids, the finances, etc. But he is the most disengaged man I've ever met. He mostly just wants to be left alone.

I know he's not cheating. I thought he might be but I put a lot of time, money, and effort on the line to find out that he really DOES just work that much and play that many solo video games.

It's multi-factorial, I think. He's painfully introverted and none too social. He was never chatty, even in the beginning, and I think that dealing with people all day just wears him out. Also, the patterns he learned from his parent's marriage are a lot more entrenched than I knew. His cultural expectations for marriage are very 1950s. He doesn't know any other way to relate. He actually told me that he thinks our marriage is fine. "We never fight. No one's cheating. I don't hit the kids. We work together to keep the family afloat. It's fine!" He refuses to get counseling.

My parents divorced when I was two and it was really, really bad. I don't want to put my family through that. I thought it would be enough for me to work on myself; seeing a counselor, working out, trying to be grateful for healthy kids and a steady income. It's starting to NOT be enough though. I don't need a roommate. If I wanted a roommate, I'd live with my mother, who would not only split the rent but also watch my kids and mop my floors everyday. I could live another 50 years. Can I live another 50 years without affection? I don' t know.

The problem is......I still love him so much. I'm not demanding. If I could get him to reliably ask me about my day, say he loves me, and maybe hug or kiss me, I could stretch it out and make it work. It makes me feel pathetic, unlovable. I just don't know what else to do about it.


I'm sure I'll regret putting this out there but I know there has to be one or two people out there going through the same thing, and maybe this will help them not feel so alone.

Wow, sorry you are going through this.

 

[mariolatry]

Wow, sorry you are going through this.

Thank you for saying that. The whole thing is just so incredibly isolating. As noted in this thread, not many talk about marriage truthfully.

Half the time I feel incredibly noble, and sure that I am doing the right thing. I am showing love and trying to keep the family together. Other times I wonder, am I going to regret not leaving right this very minute? Is it going to get better? What if I keep the faith and put all this time in, and then it gets WORSE?!?!?

The fact is, I don't want a divorce. I love my husband very much. I just want to feel like he loves me too, you know? We've done The Five Love Languages (a marriage book). My husband says that he's showing love by providing for me and the girls. Is that enough?

 

[Andtototoo]

He used to tell me about the unhappy home he grew up in and say "I'm never going to be like my father. I'm going to be loving and supportive, a great husband and dad. My family will always be so important to me."

Um, no. He works at least 28 days out of the month, and at an incredibly stressful job. He comes home and spends at least 3 hours a day on the computer, playing video games or watching videos on YouTube. He has minimal interest in the kids, talking to them for maybe 5-10 minutes a day. He has even less interest in me. He doesn't want to talk to me, touch me, nothing. He's pleasant. We don't fight, ever. We exchange relevant details about the kids, the finances, etc. But he is the most disengaged man I've ever met. He mostly just wants to be left alone.

Also, the patterns he learned from his parent's marriage are a lot more entrenched than I knew. His cultural expectations for marriage are very 1950s. He doesn't know any other way to relate.

My parents divorced when I was two and it was really, really bad. I don't want to put my family through that.

As gently as I can, I'm going to ask you -- What lessons do you think your children are learning about marriage from you and your dh?

You're articulated that although your dh stated that his intention was to not be his father, the patterns were so entrenched through experience, that he is in fact replicating them. What are you doing to help your own children grow up and not replicate what they are experiencing during their formative years?

I am asking this question because a relative of mine is your dh. She had every intention of not being her mother and not making the same choices in husband and family life that her mother did. She had therapy. Guess what? Married a man just like dear old dad. Had same horrible marriage and life as mom. Finally saw the light and divorced him. Had more therapy. Is totally cognizant of her patterns and yet... Dates guy after guy just like dear old dad. She is totally unable -- despite her best intentions and therapy -- to break free of the destructive patterns of her formative years. I know more than one person in this situation.

Hence, my concern about what your children are learning by what they are experiencing in their home by watching you and your husband.

 

[NCRedding]

I'll bite.

Um, no. He works at least 28 days out of the month, and at an incredibly stressful job. He comes home and spends at least 3 hours a day on the computer, playing video games or watching videos on YouTube. He has minimal interest in the kids, talking to them for maybe 5-10 minutes a day. He has even less interest in me. He doesn't want to talk to me, touch me, nothing. He's pleasant. We don't fight, ever. We exchange relevant details about the kids, the finances, etc. But he is the most disengaged man I've ever met. He mostly just wants to be left alone.


It's multi-factorial, I think. He's painfully introverted and none too social. He was never chatty, even in the beginning, and I think that dealing with people all day just wears him out. Also, the patterns he learned from his parent's marriage are a lot more entrenched than I knew. His cultural expectations for marriage are very 1950s. He doesn't know any other way to relate. He actually told me that he thinks our marriage is fine. "We never fight. No one's cheating. I don't hit the kids. We work together to keep the family afloat. It's fine!" He refuses to get counseling.

Can I live another 50 years without affection? I don't know.

The problem is......I still love him so much. Being a good wife is important to me. I encourage him to pursue his hobbies (karate, mostly) to relieve his stress. I'm a good cook. I'm unfailingly supportive. All I really need is for him to ask me about my day and maybe kiss me every once in a while. I could stretch it out and make it work. If I ask, he makes an attempt to meet my needs, at least until the next run of double shifts comes around. I don't have an answer. But right now, I feel somewhat unlovable.


I'm sure I'll regret putting this out there but I know there has to be one or two people out there going through the same thing, and maybe this will help them not feel so alone.

You are definitely not alone. Let me guess: you think that if you can just be perfect, be exactly what you think he wants, all will be well. But, even if it is "perfect" to you, you don't get the reaction that you are seeking. It's as though the rules were changed in mid-stream, but no one gave you a copy. You are trying to hit a moving target.

Google "emotionally unavailable man" and you may find some help. There is also a book The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing. It contains a part for the emotionally unavailable spouse, as well as the party who is married to the emotionally unavailable spouse. Even if the unavailable party doesn't read it (which is pretty common) it contains ways to deal with the feelings of unworthiness that living with an emotionally unavailable person can cause. It also helps you to realize why you are initially attracted to an emotionally unavailable man, and why you choose to stay in the relationship.

 

[Frye7127]

I know *exactly* how you feel. I nursed my first to 30 months and my second is 9 months. Breastfeeding is a 100% commitment and it takes a toll on you. You just have to take a breath and get your personal space back sometimes.

Heck, I didn't even breastfeed and i was "touched out". He was a velcro baby and always had his hands somewhere on me - always, sleep, awake, eating, playing. Have mercy! Don't feel bad - My DH was the same way, kept trying, rejected, and I felt awful about it, but I couldn't help myself. Thankfully he is a patient man who loves me. We talked about it and he didn't like what I had to say, but shoot, it is what it is. I was exhausted all the time and felt completely man-handled 24/7. He is 10 now. It is much better. Don't worry, just try to talk to your husband and tell you how you feel. You are entitled to your feelings, and so is he. It gets better.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

The problem is......I still love him so much. Being a good wife is important to me. I encourage him to pursue his hobbies (karate, mostly) to relieve his stress. I'm a good cook. I'm unfailingly supportive. All I really need is for him to ask me about my day and maybe kiss me every once in a while. I could stretch it out and make it work. If I ask, he makes an attempt to meet my needs, at least until the next run of double shifts comes around. I don't have an answer. But right now, I feel somewhat unlovable.

And why should you have to "stretch it out and make it work"? Why should occasionally throwing you a bone have to be good enough? You're holding on because you are allowing your self-worth to be controlled by his reaction to you. You sound like an articulate, loving, caring, compassionate woman. You deserve better.

I thought I could hang in for the sake of my daughter too, and I have so far, but let me tell you, on the subject of my husband, I have become a bitter, angry, hateful, resentful person. I can be in the best mood, happy as a clam, and he walks in the room and I want to pull my hair out. What's worse, I hate that my daughter has grown up in such a tense household. And if you ask my husband, he'll tell you we will NEVER get divorced. From his perspective, why would he? He comes and goes as be pleases, drinks all day, spends no money or time on his family and answers to know one. Why would he be unhappy?

I can only speak for myself and my situation, but given the chance to do it all over again, I would have left long ago. But I can't go back and do it again. I'm betting most people don't change, because they don't have to. If, no matter what they do it remains status quo, why would they? Just something to think about. Good luck to you and your family. I hope you find peace and strength, both for yourself and for your children.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'll bite. I'll admit that having a baby has taken more of a toll on our marriage than I would have thought, and it's mostly all me. I'm a SAHM and I feel like after spending all day chasing after, feeding (I breastfeed and DS is still absolutely obsessed with it, even at 8 months), snuggling, talking to, playing with, etc. the baby, I just have no energy left for DH. I feel bad because he still puts in the effort - he hugs and kisses me, and tries his best to keep our marriage like it was before DS was born, but I just pull away and want my "me" time. Sometimes when DH hugs me or tries to cuddle, my skin just absolutely crawls... I'm just "touched out" by the time DH gets home from work and DS goes to bed.

I have hope that it will get better, but I will admit that it bothers DH more than it bothers me. I want to put in the effort for him... but it would be for him, not for me.

200% normal normal normal. A good man will understand this entirely and realize that it won't be forever, and that you are doing awesome awesome work.

Normal! Do not let anyone tell you otherwise, it's normal!


*there are some that don't feel that way...that's ALSO normal, for them. Doesn't make what you are experiencing abnormal at all.

 

[BEloveDisney]

Admittedly, I didn't read this whole thread. I do feel the need to stand up for the breast feeding mom.

Last year, I gave birth to a baby who died after only two weeks. It was months before I was able to be intimate with or in some cases (depending on the day) be touched by my husband. I was just done. Not with the marriage by any means, but just done. Just tired. I needed some time to get my head around things and to recover. If I'm honest, it was probably close to a year from when we found out the baby wasn't okay (I was 24 weeks pregnant) to go back to normal. Sure, my husband was hurt and couldn't help, but tell me that he was. He tried to understand the best he could, but he just didn't at first.

Our marriage has had some rough spots because of this and because of the baby's death. It certainly is not rainbows and sunshine all the time. Lots of times it storm clouds, but that doesn't mean that we don't love each other or that we want to end the marriage. If anything, our rough spots (in particular related to the baby's death) have brought us closer together.

So, keep your chin up, I haven't had the same experiences as lots of people, but we certainly have had some tough times. I think that we're still together because we talked about the problem and allowed the other person to feel however it was that they were feeling without judgement. If that meant me telling my husband to get away from me, he did with minimal pouting. Communication is the key!

 

[bumbershoot]

I remember a wonderful MAN (not man/child) telling me jokingly (but totally true story), that after their 3rd baby was born, the wife preferred him sitting on "the other couch" in the livingroom for a while, not even on the same couch as her, while they were watching tv. He got it - she needed some space, and he gave it, but was still her husband and friend. THAT's a man, and a good marriage.

He's a good man for hearing his wife's deep-seated, temporary, communicated needs and meeting them.

Tina, I love you and you always make perfect sense! However, i think cleaning the inlaws deserves a tag!

I'm not sure where I read this or saw it, but it has stuck with me ever since.

Someone asked an elderly couple for marriage advice...how'd they make it work all those years?

Their response was so honest and candid. They said that it was because they hadn't fallen out of love with each other at the same time.

Yep, that's a good one.

Another one I ran into while we were engaged and having problems is hard to express in a way that doesn't sound weird. It's a positive message, one that has to involve both people actively working to make things better (not one working and the other doing nothig), so keep that in mind.

Basically it was "if you could get through 5 years that will be very difficult and not all that much fun, but the rest of your long marriage will be happy, won't that be worth it?"

It really resonated with us in a positive way. Sure we had problems but we were actively working on them, and so maybe, let's just just give up, let's keep working, and try to get that much better future!

And why is sex not "family friendly"? Sex is a very natural thing, everyone does it, including all animals. A healthy sex life is normally an extremely good thing to form a solid foundation for your relationship. I think alot of these issues boil down to the fact that a lot of women do not feel sex is important, whereas men are just the opposite.

I think she was trying to follow the "family friendly Disboards" concept.

As you may guess, I grew up in a house where my parents stayed together for the kids. It was a cop out and a way for them not to take responsibility for their own actions. I grew up knowing I was to "blame" for the fact they weren't happy.

Same with DH. But they never did end their marriage. So every time the oldest son's college bills came in their parents would scream at each other...this caused DH to not want to go to college, because he didn't want to be the cause of the problems. He went for 1.5 years and left so he could stay home and protect his mom.

DH wishes his parents had divorced so that they could have had a chance at having a happy marriage while he and his siblings were young.

I think it's one thing to have the *initial* thought "let's not divorce now, let's stay together for the kids", but I think you have to both be actively working on things. I don't think you should live in misery for the sake of the kids. Very few kids want miserable parents!

My mom and second husband hid their misery for 6 of the 7 years they were married. And then suddenly everything imploded and he was gone. My formative, watching the relationship and seeing what marriage is like, years, were spent with people SAYING they were happy, but the feeling in the house certainly was not! When I was 25 and had graduated from chiro school, I ended up living with my mom and her 3rd husband (childhood sweetheart), and that one year being with them helped me figure out what a GOOD marriage felt like. I then realized that I had been trying to recreate the second marriage, and that was never going to yield happiness. (then I went through a few years where I seemed to be dating "my father" over and over, got some counseling, got out of THAT, and moved on to joy!)

The fact is, I don't want a divorce. I love my husband very much. I just want to feel like he loves me too, you know? We've done The Five Love Languages (a marriage book). My husband says that he's showing love by providing for me and the girls. Is that enough?

I'm so sorry you're not happy.

I think what your husband is missing is that one of the points of that exercise is to find out what the OTHER person needs, and then try to meet that. So now you know he works this hard because he loves you. But he should also be finding out that you don't read it as love, you read it as him just being gone, and you want him THERE. So you have more empathy and understanding, and then he tries to move a little closer to what love means to you.

So, keep your chin up, I haven't had the same experiences as lots of people, but we certainly have had some tough times. I think that we're still together because we talked about the problem and allowed the other person to feel however it was that they were feeling without judgement. If that meant me telling my husband to get away from me, he did with minimal pouting. Communication is the key!

I am SO sorry about your loss.

And you are right, communication is key, and I'm glad he did things with minimal pouting.


********************

Just as DH understood when I was touched out, a few years later when he was diagnosed with a pituitary tumor that was devastating his testosterone levels (for at least 2, if not 3, years before he finally got an MD to do a blood test), I showed the same empathy. Astonishingly, that whole time we'd been trying for another baby, and that was getting more and more difficult for him. At first that was difficult for me, but as time went on I became more empathetic b/c it was obvious that SOMETHING was going on. When he finally got an MD to listen to him and to do the bloodwork, it all became crystal clear.

I've helped him as he dealt with that, I've been patient and understanding and all of that.

His doctor was astonished that he could still be taking part in "trying", as his hormone levels were so low, but I guess it was a mind over matter thing...alas, that was 3 years of for naught trying, as his level of "swimmers" was just about zero.

So it's not like I'm cold-hearted about a guy's needs, while I fulfill my own. It definitely can and has gone both ways.


And back to nursing...when it's not the wife's needs, but their BABY's, that are being taken care of, it's just moot to put blame anywhere. That first year (or more, or far more in the case of our family) of mama's milk is so lovely and is so great for the baby...it's a need far greater than anything an adult could need. So just as the mother gives of herself (do you think women LIKE feeling touched out, do you think women wake up thinking "I'm so glad I'm having this physical, physiological reaction to the man I love more than any other man in the world"?), the man can give, too.


*************


OP I hope this thread has helped you. I didn't have any advice for you, but wanted to acknowledge that you did start the thread that has spurred such interesting side-conversations. And I hope you find happier times soon.