Anybody want to admit their marriage is not all roses and rainbows?

[Sarah_Rose]

OMG...I could have written this post with my first child. I felt the same exact way! However, it went on for almost 1 year and really took a toll on our marriage. Long story short, we ended up seeking marriage counseling and worked everything out. It was one of the reasons I decided not to BF our son. Do you have a babysitter? Try a date night. That really worked wonders for us to reconnect. When he would get home from work, he would draw me a bath just so I could decompress and have some "me" time. I also pumped with my DD at the end of BFing and my DH would give her a bottle once in a while. Definitely talk to your DH. Maybe there is something you can come up with together. I also wanted to mention I also had post partum depression and just didn't know it.

There are lots of posts in a similar vein that I could respond to, but I'm just going to pick this one because I don't have time to respond to everyone (Callum is napping, so I either have 5 minutes or another hour, but I have no idea which one. ).

My DH is really the most fantastic, understanding guy.... we're just starting to understand what we both need, post-new family addition. He's realized that giving me an hour to do something I want to do is akin to giving me the world, and I need to work harder at being physically and emotionally present with him, not just the baby. He's started taking the baby in the mornings while he gets ready for work (no easy feat - I know how hard it is to get anything done while dealing with DS at the same time!), so I can get an extra hour of sleep... I love waking up to hearing DS giggling as they make faces at each other through the glass shower door, while DH has his morning shower before work. I guess my real problem is feeling guilty for feeling the way that I do, despite the fact that DH has really been a fantastic guy through this all. But it seems like it's a totally normal and common part of the whole process. Thanks to most of you for driving that home.

I think date night is a fantastic idea... we need to find someone who can babysit, stat. My parents are coming to Seattle (from Toronto, where they live) to watch DS while we spend a long weekend in DL in a few months. Though I'm dreading leaving DS for 3 nights, I am really looking forward to having the extended alone time with DH.

 

[TanyaLovesPooh]

Tomorrow is our 9th anniversary and I can honestly say that DH and I adore each other and are each other's best friend. We are in our early 40's and have known each other since teenagers. That isn't too say that we don't drive each other crazy once in a blue moon but we both work from home and always have. So we are together a lot. I love him more today than when we married.

I am very grateful to have a good marriage, I grew up watching my parents have the worst marriage ever and even prayed they would divorce...which at age 13 they finally did.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

I'm not sure where I read this or saw it, but it has stuck with me ever since.

Someone asked an elderly couple for marriage advice...how'd they make it work all those years?

Their response was so honest and candid. They said that it was because they hadn't fallen out of love with each other at the same time.

I really like that. I think this will stick with me, as well. Such wisdom.

 

[disykat]

Of course sex is important in a marriage. I don't think anyone here is saying it's not.

That said, I waited to marry until I knew I had a guy who would stick with me sex or no sex and I made the same committment to him. I met a distant relative when I was in junior high that made a big impression on me. Her husband had an accident the first year of their marriage and was a quadraplegic with additional health issues as well. When I met her they'd been married about 20 years. They had a very loving marriage. I decided right then that THAT's the kind of marriage I wanted.

It saddens me that people think a lack of sex is a reason to end a marriage. Is it a problem that needs to be worked on? Sure. No one here is saying differently.

 

[ccgirl]

There are lots of posts in a similar vein that I could respond to, but I'm just going to pick this one because I don't have time to respond to everyone (Callum is napping, so I either have 5 minutes or another hour, but I have no idea which one. ).

My DH is really the most fantastic, understanding guy.... we're just starting to understand what we both need, post-new family addition. He's realized that giving me an hour to do something I want to do is akin to giving me the world, and I need to work harder at being physically and emotionally present with him, not just the baby. He's started taking the baby in the mornings while he gets ready for work (no easy feat - I know how hard it is to get anything done while dealing with DS at the same time!), so I can get an extra hour of sleep... I love waking up to hearing DS giggling as they make faces at each other through the glass shower door, while DH has his morning shower before work. I guess my real problem is feeling guilty for feeling the way that I do, despite the fact that DH has really been a fantastic guy through this all. But it seems like it's a totally normal and common part of the whole process. Thanks to most of you for driving that home.

I think date night is a fantastic idea... we need to find someone who can babysit, stat. My parents are coming to Seattle (from Toronto, where they live) to watch DS while we spend a long weekend in DL in a few months. Though I'm dreading leaving DS for 3 nights, I am really looking forward to having the extended alone time with DH.

That's great that your DH is so understanding. Don't feel guilty. It is quite normal. My DD is now 8 and every now and then I still feel that way. Usually it is just due to pure exhaustion. Remember to take care of YOU as well. You cannot be everything to everybody if you don't care for yourself. Date night really is awesome. It helps us stay connected. As you say, you don't know if you will have 5 minutes with your DH or an hour. So glad to hear he is so understanding and willing to work with you. As the child's dependence decreases you will have more time for yourselves and each other too. So glad to hear about your trip. We get one weekend a year; this year it's WDW for F&W thanks to my amazing mom. We feel like newlyweds when we go.

It will get easier.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

I don't think it is supposed to be. If you feel complete happiness in a marriage your spouse is letting you win a lot of battles. I think it's always a give an take. Things come up. There are calms but there are rough tides but even for a single person this would exist. I don't see why or how it could be any different just because you are in love.

I love DH intensely but sometimes he doesn't things that make me say Are you serious. It's knowing when to actually say that to each other though.

You can't have ying without the yang.

 

[dday2022]

I will have to admit that I skipped the last 3 or 4 pages of this thread, but I'm going to chip in with a husbands opinion.

My wife breastfed our daughter after she was born almost 9 years ago, and she too ended up feeling "touched out" and very tired. At the time I couldn't really understand why she couldn't meet "MY" needs (I am admitting selfishness on my part), and I have to say there were some heated discussions. After my daughter turned one and started becoming a little more self sufficient, sleeping better at night, and nursing less, things became more and more "normal".

Flash forward 8 years and my son is born, and she is back to feeling the same, tired, touched out, stressed out, and emotional. The best I can do is to not place any demands on her and stress things out even more. I'm happy with our marriage right now. I'm happy with just being able to spend some time with DW, and hold hands, maybe give her a backrub. I know sometime in the future things will get back to where they were. Or else, as she says, I'm just getting old

 

[sparks19]

Excuse me?? The next time you give birth, have major hormones coursing through you and spend nearly every waking hour breastfeeding, come talk to me. Until then, be happy with the sacrifices that your wide is making for your child!

I get the pregnancy hormones... I get feeling like you are nothing more than a milk machine while also getting no sleep with a set of completely changed body workings.

However I still don't think that gives wives the right to kick the man to the couch or demand he leave or whatever. It's not HER house more than his, he has just as much right to be there as she does.

But I do feel the husband needs to try to understand or at least show some compassion for how the wife is feeling and try to work through it together... If she doesn't want to be touched then he should respect that but I think it's important to communicate about why she feels that way.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Just another point of view to throw out there. I have heard of husbands being turned off by their wives when their wives are pregnant and they don't want to have sex, so it runs both ways -- husands who aren't interested during pregnancy, and wives who are overwhelming, hormonal and touched out after pregnancy. And a woman who is somewhat "rejected" during pregnancy is probably more likely to be uninterested afterwards. Communication is key!

 

[luvsJack]

I know exactly how you feel. To put it bluntly, I'm miserable in my marriage and it's been over for years, but we still live the lie together. Just waiting for DD to go off to college and then I'm getting out. Life it too short and I've lived a miserable exisistence for far too long. I have always been the only person in this marriage. He sees nothing wrong with it, but that's his problem. It's not like I haven't begged, pleaded, cried... I should have left when DD was little, but I grew up without a father and I knew if I left he'd never make time to see her. All his free time is spent in a bar. He sees nothing wrong with that. That's how his parents lived their marriage and still do. I always thought I could "fix" him. Guess what, it's not my job to fix him and it's certainly not possible. I dread the next few years because it means my daughter will move out and get her own life, leaving me behind, but yet I can't wait for her to start the next journey in her life, which also means I will have to start a new journey as well.

I know just how you feel. Dh does his drinking at home, but sometimes it seems like the world revolves around his drinking. I get so very frustrated with it. And yep, I thought I could fix him too. That is something I have talked to dd about and will continue to do so--you canNOT change anyone, they have to do the changing all by themselves.

I can say that he does make an effort to spend time with dd. But we don't even sit down and watch a movie together. We talk about thing but more like roommates than like a married couple. We don't really talk about the future or dd's future or anything of that nature. He is working toward paying for his 18-wheeler and building that business, I am working toward my teaching degree. We are each working toward our OWN future but not like we are working on one together.

Its sad to say but I realize now that if dd had not come along 12 years ago, we would not be together now. When my sons left home, we would have went our seperate ways.

 

[rigs32]

Of course sex is important in a marriage. I don't think anyone here is saying it's not.

That said, I waited to marry until I knew I had a guy who would stick with me sex or no sex and I made the same committment to him. I met a distant relative when I was in junior high that made a big impression on me. Her husband had an accident the first year of their marriage and was a quadraplegic with additional health issues as well. When I met her they'd been married about 20 years. They had a very loving marriage. I decided right then that THAT's the kind of marriage I wanted.

It saddens me that people think a lack of sex is a reason to end a marriage. Is it a problem that needs to be worked on? Sure. No one here is saying differently.

Sexuality can be made up of lots of things beside THE act. That said, it is an important part of life for many people. If my partner does not like jazz music, I can still go listen to jazz with others. If my partner does not like sushi, I can go eat sushi with others. But if my partner has zero sex drive or a physical inability to engage in sexual acts, more than likely I cannot go outside the relationship to supplement that need. And, yes, I believe it is a need and not a want for many people.

Sometimes partners refuse to work on the problem. Should the couple stay together anyway? I don't want to talk about the details of my personal experience with this on the boards, but I disagree that lack of sex should never be a reason to get divorced.

What I will say is that having a partner that wants to share their life with you, but has zero interest in the physicality of marriage can be devastating to self-esteem. When even the person who promised to love you forever is not attracted to you, who will ever be?

 

[katesorad]

It IS roses and rainbows! Just not all the time. My DH drives me nuts sometimes, and I drive him nuts other times. But at the end of the day, what we have is more perfect than anything written in any fairytale, even Disney ones!

 

[IdesOmarch]

Sexuality can be made up of lots of things beside THE act. That said, it is an important part of life for many people. If my partner does not like jazz music, I can still go listen to jazz with others. If my partner does not like sushi, I can go eat sushi with others. But if my partner has zero sex drive or a physical inability to engage in sexual acts, more than likely I cannot go outside the relationship to supplement that need. And, yes, I believe it is a need and not a want for many people.

Sometimes partners refuse to work on the problem. Should the couple stay together anyway? I don't want to talk about the details of my personal experience with this on the boards, but I disagree that lack of sex should never be a reason to get divorced.

What I will say is that having a partner that wants to share their life with you, but has zero interest in the physicality of marriage can be devastating to self-esteem. When even the person who promised to love you forever is not attracted to you, who will ever be?

Hope you have your flame suit on, or otherwise have dug a foxhole, because that type of language doesn't cow to the party line around here, where men are expected to just "deal with it" or "take care of themselves." Or otherwise we just need to "grow up" if we express this point of view.

 

[ccgirl]

I will have to admit that I skipped the last 3 or 4 pages of this thread, but I'm going to chip in with a husbands opinion.

My wife breastfed our daughter after she was born almost 9 years ago, and she too ended up feeling "touched out" and very tired. At the time I couldn't really understand why she couldn't meet "MY" needs (I am admitting selfishness on my part), and I have to say there were some heated discussions. After my daughter turned one and started becoming a little more self sufficient, sleeping better at night, and nursing less, things became more and more "normal".

Flash forward 8 years and my son is born, and she is back to feeling the same, tired, touched out, stressed out, and emotional. The best I can do is to not place any demands on her and stress things out even more. I'm happy with our marriage right now. I'm happy with just being able to spend some time with DW, and hold hands, maybe give her a backrub. I know sometime in the future things will get back to where they were. Or else, as she says, I'm just getting old

Your wife is very lucky to have you.

 

[SaraJayne]

Excuse me?? The next time you give birth, have major hormones coursing through you and spend nearly every waking hour breastfeeding, come talk to me. Until then, be happy with the sacrifices that your wide is making for your child!

He doesn't have a wife. Which just makes his posts that more amusing.

 

[2ManyFairytales]

Again, thanks to you all! Every opinion and suggestion is welcome and appreciated! Have a great Easter weekend!

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I know just how you feel. Dh does his drinking at home, but sometimes it seems like the world revolves around his drinking. I get so very frustrated with it. And yep, I thought I could fix him too. That is something I have talked to dd about and will continue to do so--you canNOT change anyone, they have to do the changing all by themselves.

I can say that he does make an effort to spend time with dd. But we don't even sit down and watch a movie together. We talk about thing but more like roommates than like a married couple. We don't really talk about the future or dd's future or anything of that nature. He is working toward paying for his 18-wheeler and building that business, I am working toward my teaching degree. We are each working toward our OWN future but not like we are working on one together.

Its sad to say but I realize now that if dd had not come along 12 years ago, we would not be together now. When my sons left home, we would have went our seperate ways.

I'm here if you ever need to vent, chat or commiserate.

 

[marcyinPA]

Haven't read more than page one, but just wanted to add my thoughts quickly.

*Marriage is HARD WORK.
*Anyone who tells you they are happy 100% of the time and never fight with their spouse are full of crap.
*I agree with the poster who said marriage ebbs and flows. My DH and I have good periods of time, and lousy periods of time. BUT, we recognize it, and we try as hard as we can to work on it.

 

[Liberty Belle]

At times my marriage hasn't been such a "happy" one, but I think that's pretty normal. My husband and I love eachother very much, but sometimes life gets in the way.

 

[bellarella]

Wow! That's exactly what I'm thinking is going to happen to me. I just keep hanging on, hoping I get used to it or things change. I put up a front and keep it together, but as you know it's hard. I wish you the best of luck in your new adventure, whenever you start!

To both you and the poster above, I would not meant staying your marriage for the sake of the kids.

Trying to make a marriage work: can be beneficial for kids, since you might be able to model a healthy relationship and provide a stable home.

Staying in a bad marriage: bad for kids. If you don't want your children to have the marriage you have, get out. You learn what you see. If you don't want your DD to be treated the way you are treated, leave. Show her she is worth more because you value yourself enough to not be treated that way. If you don't want your DS to treat their partner the way your H treats you, get out. Staying teaches them that the behavior is ok.

As you may guess, I grew up in a house where my parents stayed together for the kids. It was a cop out and a way for them not to take responsibility for their own actions. I grew up knowing I was to "blame" for the fact they weren't happy.