Anybody want to admit their marriage is not all roses and rainbows?

[Family Fun Mom]

OMG, I feel so sorry for your husband, that is horrible. I know everyone else will probably give you hugs and such but I think that is just reprehensible and you shouldn't be surprised if your marriage doesn't last.

Don't listen to this! It is very common for new mothers, especially breastfeeding mothers, to feel "touched out" and have no interest in their partners for a while. It is pretty normal and it doesn't last forever. I went through it. Lots of moms go through it. Kids don't stay little forever. They do get to a point where they are not needing constant holding, diaper changing, rocking, ect. They start to entertain themselves. They start enjoying other people's attention besides just yours. You will find your way back to yourself and back to your husband.

Talk to your husband. Tell him what you're going through. You'll probably find he views things differently now that you are parents, too. Communicate. Hire a sitter and go on a date. Put some work into reconnecting to him on an emotional level and that will help you respond on a physical level. It takes work. All of it does. But you will be okay.

 

[FINFAN]

Sure. If anyone who knows me and my DH, if either of us ever claimed to have a tv land marriage.... How boring would THAT be? Celebrating our 25th this August, complete withlove, fights, disappointments, confusion,laughter, tears, embarrassments, doubts, thrills, KIDS and pets...shall I go on? One day at a time folks, one day at a time.

 

[disykat]

IMO, even "best friends" have times that aren't all roses and rainbows. Most of the couples I know who would never admit to an occational raindrop are no longer married.

Perfection doesn't really exist IMO and if it did, like other posters have stated, it would probably be boring.

Certainly a marriage that couldn't last through the temporary changes having a child brings would not be perfect. A good relationship sticks it out through rough patches!

 

[Sarah_Rose]

Don't listen to this! It is very common for new mothers, especially breastfeeding mothers, to feel "touched out" and have no interest in their partners for a while. It is pretty normal and it doesn't last forever. I went through it. Lots of moms go through it. Kids don't stay little forever. They do get to a point where they are not needing constant holding, diaper changing, rocking, ect. They start to entertain themselves. They start enjoying other people's attention besides just yours. You will find your way back to yourself and back to your husband.

Talk to your husband. Tell him what you're going through. You'll probably find he views things differently now that you are parents, too. Communicate. Hire a sitter and go on a date. Put some work into reconnecting to him on an emotional level and that will help you respond on a physical level. It takes work. All of it does. But you will be okay.

Thank you. Really, thank you.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

We have pretty much grown up together. We married at 19 and 20. That said, we hardly ever fight. That's not really a good thing. I don't know how many people will understand that statement, but that's how it is.

 

[CaliforniaDreamin]

I'll bite. I'll admit that having a baby has taken more of a toll on our marriage than I would have thought, and it's mostly all me. I'm a SAHM and I feel like after spending all day chasing after, feeding (I breastfeed and DS is still absolutely obsessed with it, even at 8 months), snuggling, talking to, playing with, etc. the baby, I just have no energy left for DH. I feel bad because he still puts in the effort - he hugs and kisses me, and tries his best to keep our marriage like it was before DS was born, but I just pull away and want my "me" time. Sometimes when DH hugs me or tries to cuddle, my skin just absolutely crawls... I'm just "touched out" by the time DH gets home from work and DS goes to bed.

I have hope that it will get better, but I will admit that it bothers DH more than it bothers me. I want to put in the effort for him... but it would be for him, not for me.

Ok, I know exactly where you are coming from. I breastfed two back to back practically. And I was a SAHM. It's really hard to go from mommy-mode to wife-mode. Esp with the breastfeeding. When I was nursing, I felt very uncomfortable trying to do double duty: nurturing a child and pleasing a husband. It will get better. Especially when your DS is weaned. It really is hard to be sexual when the majority of your day is spent being a mommy. Hang in there and don't let anyone tell you there is something wrong with you.

 

[livie1205]

OMG, I feel so sorry for your husband, that is horrible. I know everyone else will probably give you hugs and such but I think that is just reprehensible and you shouldn't be surprised if your marriage doesn't last.

what are you thinking saying that to her??? wow how rude..have you had kids? It happens....when I had my dd and ds I felt to same,when you are at home all day holding,feeding,rocl\king and taking care of someone by the time your dh gets home its just to much!!! She WILL get past it but to say her marriage will not last? wow maybe its you that needs a hug.

 

[mickeyboat]

Ok, I know exactly where you are coming from. I breastfed two back to back practically. And I was a SAHM. It's really hard to go from mommy-mode to wife-mode. Esp with the breastfeeding. When I was nursing, I felt very uncomfortable trying to do double duty: nurturing a child and pleasing a husband. It will get better. Especially when your DS is weaned. It really is hard to be sexual when the majority of your day is spent being a mommy. Hang in there and don't let anyone tell you there is something wrong with you.

I had the same feelings having two babies in less than a year's time. My hormones were also all out of whack and when I was on the pill, my libido was almost nonexistent. Things are much better now, although I have to admit my DH was hurt.

 

[kamik86]

My DH and I have been together since I was 15. There have been some tough points and there are some things that DH does that annoys me and some things I do that annoy him. However I am still happier with him then I am without. (well for more then a day... a few hours being home alone is lovely!)

We dont have kids yet but I coudl see that being a difficult time as well. Espeically as he will be the stay at home parent and I'll be at work after my maternity leave.

 

[Jedana]

Anyone who says they have no strife in their marriage is either a. lying or b. not invested in the marriage.
Someone has a bad day and snaps at the other; problems at work mean less sleep and less "nookie" time; physical ailments crop up; the kids are fighting all day long and the washing machine breaks down; etc etc etc.

There is always going to be something, whether it's the toilet paper being hung the wrong way or disciplining the children. It's how you handle the situations that make or break the marriage.

I've been with my husband for 19 years, married 12 years come August. We have had lots of ups and downs, even splitting for awhile about 17 years ago. But we have made it through death (his, briefly, on the operating table), major medical (his kidney problems, his adrenal cancer), other people trying to involve themselve (my ex husband, his supposed "friend"--I dispise her), kids (mine and ours) and financial problems. Not sure what else can come at us, but we'll make it through it too.

 

[2ManyFairytales]

I'll bite. I'll admit that having a baby has taken more of a toll on our marriage than I would have thought, and it's mostly all me. I'm a SAHM and I feel like after spending all day chasing after, feeding (I breastfeed and DS is still absolutely obsessed with it, even at 8 months), snuggling, talking to, playing with, etc. the baby, I just have no energy left for DH. I feel bad because he still puts in the effort - he hugs and kisses me, and tries his best to keep our marriage like it was before DS was born, but I just pull away and want my "me" time. Sometimes when DH hugs me or tries to cuddle, my skin just absolutely crawls... I'm just "touched out" by the time DH gets home from work and DS goes to bed.

I have hope that it will get better, but I will admit that it bothers DH more than it bothers me. I want to put in the effort for him... but it would be for him, not for me.

This will get better. I do know, after 4 kids, how you feel. Men may not understand it, but the ones that actually love you, will try to and comfort you in other ways. Just don't forget about him and yourself. It's hard, but we all need some kind of love.

OMG, I feel so sorry for your husband, that is horrible. I know everyone else will probably give you hugs and such but I think that is just reprehensible and you shouldn't be surprised if your marriage doesn't last.

This is ridiculous. If a man can't handle that his wife is having issues, due to the fact that she's mothering their child..that's who has the problem.
We should all be able to talk it out and come to solutions.

That's where my problems lie. No talking. I am a SAHM and would LOVE to get some attention. Would LOVE to have someone to chat with. Anymore I feel like we are roomies with benefits. It's hard to explain to others, but I talk enough here, that I'd think he would get it by now.
Who knows?

 

[Jedana]

I just want to tell you, hang in there. It does get better.

I'll second this. With my girls, I went back to work ASAP because of finanaces, but with my son, I was able to stay home. Around 16 months in, I told DH that I was going back to work because I needed to find "me" again. I had been "mom" and "wife" for so long, I lost "me".

I even got kicked out of a mom's group, the first time I went...because they were all sitting around talking about other people who weren't there right then, and ignoring the crying babies. One lady whom they talked about in particularly viscious manner, showed up and they turned sweet as pie to her. So..I called them on their behavior and was told to leave. Guess they thought she wouldn't figure out they were talking smack about her, just about the other people who weren't there..

Anyways, I didn't like sleeping in the same bed with DH during that time! I had DS on me ALL DAY LONG, or needing something from me. Or I was cleaning house or cooking meals or doing laundry. Never able to go out without DS, no friends to call on (we moved to a new city when I was pg and I never really had a chance to go out, kwim?). Never able to breathe.

PPD set in, and it set hard. It took me 8 months to figure out I needed to get away from the house.

You will get through this. Just remember to breathe.

 

[shortbun]

I don't share much about my marriage with anyone. My husband is am amazing man. I'm pretty happy after all these years. How bad can it be when my girlfriends admit to having a crush on him? lol! I told my good friend the other day about another friend who kept bringing him warm baked goods(he helps her transport her boys a lot) and said I thought she had a 'crush' on him. My friend replied, 'who doesn't?' That made me laugh.
He's simply THAT good. Hard to live up to as his wife.

 

[2ManyFairytales]

Very envious of you ladies. That's a good thing
I love my husband very much, so much that I'm still here. I want to make this work and for us both to be happy. I just can't get him to see that I need more. When I say more, it's really only attention, compassion and just love. I don't feel loved.
Maybe he just doesn't know how to show what I'm looking for. I almost think if we went to counseling, he'd see. But, he's not into that and it may look as if I'm bombarding him or something.
I wanna figure it out....

 

[sparks19]

NO our marriage is not perfect in the way that the cleavers had a perfect marriage or anything LOL but our marriage is perfect for us. We are two VERY imperfect beings and I don't think anyone ever thought we would make it and be happy our relationship developed very quickly. we lived in two different countries but we were married in less than a year and we've been happy together ever since.

Sure we have arguments and disagreements and things aren't always hot and heavy. We have a lot of nights where we just sit there and chat idly while watching TV. We pick on and tease each other A LOT. people find that very strange lol but it works for us. it's part of our dynamic. I like that if I do something really stupid he's going to have something funny to say about it and vice versa.

We have our fights, we have our hot and cold moments, we have days where we just can't be bothered to put in any effort but those times dont' last forever. We;'ve been through a lot in o ur marriage having to live a country apart while married, i went through a depression when I first moved away from home and came here to PA, I put on a lot of weight (we both did). We just had a lot of stress to start out our marriage and sometimes I don't know why he's stuck with me because I was pretty brutal to him when I was depressed and we didn't know at the time that that's what was wrong with me. but he's stuck by me and I will do the same for him.

We worked through our rough patches and I think if we can handle the immigration BS the way it went for us we can handle anything lol.

But we laugh A LOT, we tell each other "I love you" every chance we get, we make sure to hug and kiss plenty of times a day and when we do have a disagreement we never just let it stew while we sit there and don't talk to each other. We get it out of our system and then we both say sorry and then things are back to normal. It's not perfect. we drive each other crazy sometimes but I wouldn't trade it for anything. we are on the same page when it comes to the important issues and how to raise our child and we always try to be good to each other and always treat each other with respect.

when things start to cool off I've started "fantasizing" about hubby when he's not around. I don't mean fantasizing like one would normally think of the word lol like I'm not a pervert or anything but when he's not here I just run through my mind some of our best times. Times when he's been really funny, times when he's really stepped up to help me even though I didn't ask, times where he's looked really good or smelled really good or times where I just found him irresistable. spending most of my day drifting off to think about the best of times seems to have REALLY made a difference in our marriage LOL. We are having far more hot times than cold times since I've started this practice lol and I know it sounds weird but it really works.

things can get stale and boring and this is my way of keeping myself amped up and ready for him to come home everyday.

So not perfect in the traditional sense but it's perfect for us because we are a very unique couple as our friends put it lol most people would probably look at us and wonder why we are even together but there has never been a moment yet where I have questioned whether or not he really loves me. Through even the roughest times I've never had a doubt that he really loves me.

 

[bdcp]

DH and I have a very happy marriage. Is it perfect? No. Was it a little more difficult after the kids were born? Absolutely, but that's normal. We're empty nesters now and are enjoying it. We've been married 30 years. DH is very much a man who loves attention and loves to give it. We're wired a little differently but we love each other unconditionally. But we have always agreed on one thing-marriage is forever and we put each other first. We also do not talk about our relationship or issues with anyone else. It's no one else's business.

DH and I say "I love you" at least 20 times a day. Everytime we talk on the phone and randomly throughout the day.

We have never even come close to splitting. That is not an option. Not that either one of us has ever wanted it, but we're all in for the total lifetime commitment. I also think strife is a harsh word to use and not all marriage have strife. All have their ups and downs, but not all have huge arcs. Our arcs are like gentle rolling hills.

I always feel for people who assume that all marriages aren't good or even great because their own isn't. Ours is and anyone's can be if both are willing to work on it. Too many people put the "you have to make me happy" on it. Your happiness is your responsibility, but the marriage is both people's job.

Because my husband's aunts (two of them) were both cheated on, they think all men cheat. Not true. Just like people who have had bad marriages or even rough ones think all are that way. Also, not true.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Very envious of you ladies. That's a good thing
I love my husband very much, so much that I'm still here. I want to make this work and for us both to be happy. I just can't get him to see that I need more. When I say more, it's really only attention, compassion and just love. I don't feel loved.
Maybe he just doesn't know how to show what I'm looking for. I almost think if we went to counseling, he'd see. But, he's not into that and it may look as if I'm bombarding him or something.
I wanna figure it out....

Maybe together you can take the 5 Languages of Love test. My husband and I did this course about 4 years into our marriage and was a real eye opener. The test asks all sorts of questions about how you show and expect to receive love and affection. I found that I need words of encouragment but need to do acts of service to show love and quality time is very important to me. My husband was very low on words of encouragement but high on time together and giving presents so we saw how the other needs to give and receive love.

I adore my husband and love him with all my heart. Our marriage is not always rainbows and roses or as we say in our house the bluebirds of love don't chirp all day long. Marriage isn't always fun and it certainly isn't always easy. I also think alot of people have a misconception about marriage that it is always fun and sweet and romantic but honestly nothing romantic and fun about cleaning bathrooms or inlaws.

To the new mom who needs me time: I don't even have children and understand that. I have a job where I constantly am giving of myself trying to give comfort and understanding. There are days at home that I don't want to talk or hug or do anything but be Tina on the couch. I don't feel guilty telling my husband to leave me alone that I just need me time. Hopefully your adjustments will make it through easily.

 

[The_Alice]

My marriage and family is the single hardest thing I have ever had to work at in my life. Do I feel like I married my best friend, yeah. Do best friends still have big fights, um yeah. I think it's impossible to live with someone day in and day out for years at a time and not get on each other's nerves to some degree. There has to be a give and take. Right now I am more in the giving role, moving half way across the country. Soon it will be his turn.

But, we have spent almost a year apart for work, and to tell you the truth I think that really strengthened our marriage. DH finally got to see what life would be like without us in it for long periods of time, and I got to see what it was like without him. It was a rough year, but ultimately we learned that we really enjoy each other and love one another. Again, the ebb and flow. And we have had some big fights. Not physical mind you, but we are both first born, stubborn, and in leadership positions in our fields. So arguments tend to escalate pretty quickly.

 

[eliza61]

I think people get married and thinks its supposed to be roses and rainbows 24/7 365.

I have a happy marriage. Am I happy with my marriage all day, every day. I'll be the first to admit there are days when I want to light my husband on fire. and I'm sure there are days when he wants to do the same.

 

[KimR]

That's where my problems lie. No talking. I am a SAHM and would LOVE to get some attention. Would LOVE to have someone to chat with. Anymore I feel like we are roomies with benefits. It's hard to explain to others, but I talk enough here, that I'd think he would get it by now.
Who knows?

I know exactly where you are coming from. My DH seems to be only interested in the physical side of marriage, while I crave companionship, a partner, someone to talk to. I realized this a long time ago and came to the understanding that that is just the way he is. It doesn't mean he doesn't love me because I know without a doubt that he does. So I decided I had 2 choices: divorce him and try to find someone who wanted a more well-rounded marriage or stay and accept him for what he is. I chose to stay, so I try not to brood about it too much and make the best of it.

It does get lonely sometimes, though, especially when the kids aren't around. I'm not a very social person at all, so I don't really have any friends to turn to. But otherwise, my life truly is wonderful, so I just try to concentrate on the positive. The main thing is that I worry about the future when the kids are grown and I retire from my job (which I love). What then?