any (semi) 'empty nesters' here?

[travelynn]

Long time lurker here. There seems to be alot of wisdom and compassion on this board so thought I'd jump in and see what you all think.

Any semi-empty-nesters here?

I'm having a hard time dealing with the changes in my life.

Oldest got married last month and they live an hour away.

Second child just graduated from college and lives an hour away (other direction) with a friend.

Youngest is a senior in college, also an hour away, and is unsure what will happen after graduation.

Soon I will have an empty nest. Where did the time go? We had a ball with our 3, including trips to WDW (which is how I found you when we all went together last spring)

Family life has been great fun all these years, and life as we've known it is ending. I'm told it will still be good, that kids move away, marry and then come grand kids, but its still just heart breaking and seems like the best years are over.

Plus last month I was laid off from my job. DH doesn't travel with his job but is very busy. Money is tight especially with my job loss and sometimes its just all too much to handle since it all seems to be happening at once. When it rains, it pours

Any of you experience any of this? I'm open to any advice, ideas or wisdom you may have about any of it. There seems to be an endless amount of experience and understanding and life experiences here, so I'm hoping you will share your thoughts. Thanks.

 

[Micca]

Even though you've been lurking, welcome to the Dis Sounds like you just have too much going on at once. Life was probably pretty consistent until your kids went off to school, starting getting maried, etc. The changes you expect combined with the ones you didn't see coming can pack a wallop.

It's good that your DH has a job, even if it makes him work long hours. You'll find another job and maybe it will be something you really enjoy.

Re the empty nest thing, DW and I love it. Both of our adult DDs live hundreds of miles away. Of course we miss them, and talk to them regularly, but it's nice to have the freedom that comes with the empty nest. Besides, it'll be fun to go visit them, maybe even meet up in WDW

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

I feel your pain. I have my younger in college and he is a senior but he is going an extra semester he lives home so I know what you mean by semi empty nester. I know they say it gets better but we had to put our dog of 13 years down and while I know it was best for him, to me it was like the final goodbye to my kids and family as they were. MY DH and I go lots of places and while we have fun, but I miss having little ones with me. I do have a job and so does DH but I do not care how much you love your job, there is nothing compared to having the fun of going and doing and being with your kids. I still have not gotten used to being completely home alone since I was so used to having a child or a dog always with me.
HONESTLY the time passes in an instant. I was never one of those people who would say I cannot wait for my kids to grow up and leave home.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I have three college kids currently living with me as semi-adults. There are chunks of time when some of them live with us and when none of them do. DH's work is experiencing a slow down and I am seriously money stressed. It keeps me from sleeping and I am stress eating. I am worried about each of my young adult children for different reasons and they are still sort of at the stage where they think I know nothing. On top of this my father is retiring this winter. He had a gambling problem for much of my life and I can't imagine how my parents are going to handle retirement. They have no money, live in a 60yo home and are driving a car that is over 15 years old. Health care is becoming a problem for them due to funds. They are both very healthy and active.
I have spent the past 5 years going back to school and need to finish only one class to have two bachelor degrees. But the current economy has me not super hopeful about work.
We are trying to decide whether to move to where there is work and money but be away from our family or stay put and ride it out. While all this is going on I'm processing the whole empty nest thing and experiencing mood swings probably from peri-menopause. DH and I are blessed in that we are young empty nesters. We have a good deal of our working lives ahead of us. We just need to get things evened out financially so we can enjoy them and be comfortable in 20 years. Part of this requires getting the kids through school and nudging them into independence as much as I'd like them to stay, sometimes. So yes I feel your pain.

 

[KimR]

I'm not there yet, but my oldest is a senior in high school this year so I know all too well how quickly time goes by and I just hate it. I love having my girls home with me and I am dreading the day they are gone.

Do you hobbies or interests you might want to pursue - classes you might want to take? Also, all your children live close enough that maybe you could plan something on a regular or semi-regular basis. Trips to the mall, dinner out together once a week, or just a get together at someone's home? That would give you something to look forward to and a way for everyone to reconnect. These are the things I think of to convince myself that my life will not end in 10 years when my youngest leaves for college.

 

[dairyou]

I needed to thank you for your post. It gave me a new perspective. I have 2 teenage boys at home. One getting ready to go to college next year. He gives me alot of attitude and I think it is time for him to go away and grow up. I think it would do alot of good for our relationiship. I love him and I'm very excited for his upcoming experience being a senior in high school and what comes after that in college.

After reading your post it gave me a moment not to be in such a hurry. I'll take the time to enjoy our family as a unit of 4 as long as possible. Before I know it there will only be 3 of us in the house

Deb

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Even though I'm not there myself yet, I can understand how this could be one of those "stages" in life that's difficult. Throw in a job loss and it's even more difficult.

Now might be a good time to reflect on what you want to do with the rest of your life. Maybe it's time for a career change? To go back to school? Take up a new hobby? Have you ever considered fostering? (Children or animals. ) Volunteering?

Also probably not a bad idea to get some support from people who've been there and felt the same way you do (not the "hooray they're gone" types, LOL). This thread, I'm sure, will be helpful, to start.

My kids/twins will be 12 soon, and I have a dog that's 5. In appx 6 years, I'll be "losing" them all at once. I imagine I'll be feeling the same way then that you are now. I've mentioned to my DH I could see myself wanting to foster a child at that time. (This was him. I'll probably have foster dogs before then, too.) I've also taken up a hobby (photography) that I could make into a career if I didn't already have one, and I'm considering graduate school as well. Lots of things to keep me busy.

I might have a bit of a unique perspective on aging because, being a cancer survivor, I'm now enjoying every birthday I have instead of dreading them. I also had seeing my children off as one of my survival goals, so if I make it that far I'll be ecstatic (not that I'm planning not to). It'll be a really mixed bag of emotions when they do reach college age.

Best wishes to you. Feel free to PM anytime if you want to chat.

 

[KimR]

Also probably not a bad idea to get some support from people who've been there and felt the same way you do (not the "hooray they're gone" types, LOL).

Oh, I don't know about that. Not that you can't get support from like-minded people, but I love hearing from the 'hurray they're gone' types as well. I just ran into a neighbor the other day who is experiencing the empty nest for the 2nd time. She was raising her granddaughter and now that she is grown and on her own, my neighbor left her husband and is starting a new life on her own. She has never been happier - she positively glows. It gives me hope to hear from people who have found happiness and fullfillment after the children are gone. Makes me think that maybe...just maybe, I'll be able to do it too when the time comes.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Also probably not a bad idea to get some support from people who've been there and felt the same way you do (not the "hooray they're gone" types, LOL). This thread, I'm sure, will be helpful, to start.

I wanted to comment on this because this is the stage I am approaching. Oldest is starting college in the fall and youngest is a 7th grader.

I think the "hooray your gone" is not really so much about them being "gone" as you go thru so many struggles that you are happy that they "made it". Anyway that is how I am feeling now.

I will miss my kids terribly however I will be happy for them too.

 

[Trish Bessette]

My gosh I can't even think of the day my DD's are gonethey are such a bright light in my life, same with DH. I can't wait to leave work each day to go home to all of them.

Live in the moment -that is all we can do

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Oh, I don't know about that. Not that you can't get support from like-minded people, but I love hearing from the 'hurray they're gone' types as well. I just ran into a neighbor the other day who is experiencing the empty nest for the 2nd time. She was raising her granddaughter and now that she is grown and on her own, my neighbor left her husband and is starting a new life on her own. She has never been happier - she positively glows. It gives me hope to hear from people who have found happiness and fullfillment after the children are gone. Makes me think that maybe...just maybe, I'll be able to do it too when the time comes.

Good point, and I'm glad that worked for you.

I was part of several different support groups and the ones that helped me the most were the ones with people that felt similar to the way I did at the point I was working through my feelings. My experience with sharing my deepest thoughts with people who felt completely different than I did was that it only made me feel worse about the way I was feeling. JME, everyone's different.

(ETA It's probably not a bad thing to get a variety of perspectives but the OP's mention of compassion and understanding makes me think she's hurting and really needs her current feelings validated.)

 

[Tiggeroo]

I kind of feel I'd benefit from people who don't think like me. I tend to get a little down thinking about my kids leaving, life changes, etc. If I spent time with people who felt like that when i was at my lowest I'd just get sucked in and we'd feed off of each other. I find women who look at it as a great thing as inspirational. I like to think that empty nest women tend to accomplish the most in their lives. It is their most fertile and productive time of their life. Picture taking all of the energy you spent on children. soccer games, cupcake baking, field trips, housework, etc.. and putting it into things you love and are gifted in. You could write a novel or children's book, you could create great art, you could start a business or go back to school.

 

[Rose&Mike]

I kind of feel I'd benefit from people who don't think like me. I tend to get a little down thinking about my kids leaving, life changes, etc. If I spent time with people who felt like that when i was at my lowest I'd just get sucked in and we'd feed off of each other. I find women who look at it as a great thing as inspirational. I like to think that empty nest women tend to accomplish the most in their lives. It is their most fertile and productive time of their life. Picture taking all of the energy you spent on children. soccer games, cupcake baking, field trips, housework, etc.. and putting it into things you love and are gifted in. You could write a novel or children's book, you could create great art, you could start a business or go back to school.

I like that attitude. We will be (semi) empty nesters in about a week when our only child goes away to college. I was a mostly stay at home Mom, and I'm looking forward to figuring out "who I am." I'm trying to see it as a process and not something that happens overnight.

I'm also trying not to see family life as ending (though I do feel like that way sometimes), but rather just changing. Some days are hard, but the reason they are hard is because we have such a great kid, and have had such happy times. So, of course it's ok to be a little sad that it's changing.

Hang in there OP.

 

[Kathi OD]

DH and I are empty-nesters (well we were until June). When our youngest went off to college, I had the most horrible time dealing with not being needed like I had been when the kids were in the house. What made the situation worse for me was we had just moved to a new house and I didn't really know anyone. While I still had my "old" friends, getting together with them became a project, because they weren't so close.

What helped me through this difficult period was focusing on the things that I never had enough time to do when I was busy running kids around. It also helped to think about how well the kids had turned out....what wonderful adults they had become, how independent-minded they were. These are the things parents want for their children, right?

DH and I also began to do more things together, too. Things we hadn't done in a long time because we were so busy raising our children there just wasn't time (or money).

Don't worry. After awhile, you'll figure it out. Yes, you'll still miss them, but it won't be the same kind of "miss them." Oh, and the PP was right, it won't be long before there will be little ones at your feet again. It is inevitable.

 

[DisneyBlonde]

My son was away at college for a year and a half, but he's home now. On the one hand his tuition expenses are less, which is a big help what with me not being able to find a job. On the other hand...the house just got a lot smaller.

 

[Tiggeroo]

My son was away at college for a year and a half, but he's home now. On the one hand his tuition expenses are less, which is a big help what with me not being able to find a job. On the other hand...the house just got a lot smaller.

BTDT - the biggest problem with this situation is that when they're away at school, once you get used to it you really don't worry about them alot. If they go out at midnight you don't know it. You don't know if they are doing some slightly stupid college stuff. You don't know if they are living on ramen and mac and cheese and sleeping 5 hours most nights. When they're home you know more about what they do and sometimes as a mom ignorance is bliss. And you have the conflict of them having been on their own and having to adjust to household rules. Their room mates probably didnt' care if there were soda cans, pizza boxes, dirty dishes and laundry strewn about either.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well as a parent of 10 and 12 year olds I am really not qualified to answer this, but I will tell you what my parents did (I am an only child) and DHs parents did (he was youngest of four) when we graduated and got married.

My parents chased a dream they just not feel they could responsibly do while I was still a child (or even a college student). They sold everything and moved to MexicoYes really. They figured they could afford to take a huge risk becuase my livlihood was no longer tied up with theirs. Okay--so that is not all that reasonable for msot people....

My in laws took the oppurtunity to downsive to a smaller home and build jsut what they wanted (they were able to sell their much bigger house for enough to totally pay for the smaller one--I don't know how that would work in this economy). My mother in law really enjoyed taking the time to decorate her new place without keeping kids in mind. BUT after a year or two--once us kids were a little stable in our own lives one thing we ALL look forward to is traveling with my in-laws (we work on getting good deals--they are not rich and; also we all pay our own way most of the time--these trips are not treats from the in laws). My in-laws went to Italy with one of DH's sister. They go to Lake Powell with the other sister and her family every summer. We have taken transatlantic cruises, trips to WDW and next week a trip to Denmark with them. My DH and his siblings (and his parents) say it is such a new and different and wonderful thing to have an ADULT relationship with their parents. ALL four kids feel closer than ever to their parents (and they were always a tight knit family) now. This even though none of us live nearby (DH and I live the furthest away from Colorado here in Germany). Anyway, all the "kids" had to be out and on their own to grown and experience to a point that the erlationship changed and grew into a new and better thing. You can look forward to that and start tentativly planning fun trips or other get togethers for the furture (even if hte future has to be pretty far out due to finances at the moment).

Best of luck dealing with all of your life changes now

 

[VAN]

I've been going through various stages of empty-nesting. It has really helped that we (DH and self ... or just self when DH is golfing) take the dog for a nightly 3 mile walk at a local linear park. It is a good chance to expend some energy and is good mentally as well. It gives us a set thing to do every day when we come home from work.

You might want to think about doing some sort of regular exercise program ... either walking outside, exercise class at a gym, or exercise class through our local community college. This gives you something to fill an hour or so, is good for you physically, and mentally. If your DH can't join you, maybe you have another friend who would be interested in joining you ... or you might just meet some new friends.

The one thing I don't miss is the house getting messed up while I'm gone. You get used to the house being left in good shape.

Spend some time pampering yourself. Take a bubble bath. Paint your nails, etc. What about volunteer work through your church and/or local community center? That could either be either a short or a long term commitment.

Just get out there and get busy ....

 

[DisneyBlonde]

BTDT - the biggest problem with this situation is that when they're away at school, once you get used to it you really don't worry about them alot. If they go out at midnight you don't know it. You don't know if they are doing some slightly stupid college stuff. You don't know if they are living on ramen and mac and cheese and sleeping 5 hours most nights. When they're home you know more about what they do and sometimes as a mom ignorance is bliss. And you have the conflict of them having been on their own and having to adjust to household rules. Their room mates probably didnt' care if there were soda cans, pizza boxes, dirty dishes and laundry strewn about either.

This is a mouthful right here. And a big creator of stress in our house right now. He played grown up for 18 months and now he thinks that should continue. But we have rules in our house (which I don't think are unreasonable). And boy, does the fur fly when his GF comes to visit. I don't know what went on at college...but when you're under my roof (and then the impersonation of my father begins )

 

[travelynn]

WOW, thanks for all the feedback everyone. I really appreciate it.

I appreciate the empathy from those who have gone through it, or are currently experiencing it. We've always been a super close and happy family, and while I know there's much to anticipate together as a family, its still been a tough transition. I'd heard that it was but honestly, I never thought it would be this difficult for me.

To those still with kids at home, I too never thought it would happen this quickly!! We squeezed every ounce of joy and fun and time together with our kids, but it still goes sooo fast!!!

Even in their college years, they come home alot, and of course for every holiday and summers, and we've traveled together on their breaks too, often WDW I hope that will continue, especially now that one is married.

Just being laid off doesn't help either, and I now I understand that it gave my life structure, even when the kids were home.

As someone else said, this peri-menopause stuff just adds to the fun too, NOT.

I know its something I'll just need to live through, like millions of other moms before me, but I really appreciate the ideas and feedback.

So thanks again for the replies and please keep the comments coming.