any (semi) 'empty nesters' here?

[Tiggeroo]

This is a mouthful right here. And a big creator of stress in our house right now. He played grown up for 18 months and now he thinks that should continue. But we have rules in our house (which I don't think are unreasonable). And boy, does the fur fly when his GF comes to visit. I don't know what went on at college...but when you're under my roof (and then the impersonation of my father begins )

Amen on the gf stuff. One son was away at school for 11/2 yrs. Came home got an apartment and continued local. After a year he realized he was always broke, commuting locally and should just live at home. So he's now 21yo and living at home for the first time in awhile. We don't really have a curfew and don't say no girls may visit in your room ever. They can't be hanging out in there as gf and bf though. KWIM? But we found out his gf was coming over after we went to bed and leaving before we got up. His gf has also recently moved home after a year away at college. I wish her mom would give me some back up on this because it would be easier for the mom to say, no way you need to be home at night.
I am leaving this to dh who will be having a big talk this weekend. This son is easily embarrassed so it should be interesting. We are definitely sounding like our parents. I have found that it was much easier dealing with our kids when they were much younger. I have decided God is making this time Hell so I won't have such complete misery when I do get the total true empty nest. When all the kids are home it is dh and I versus three young sort of adults. We feel out numbered and have to be the bad guys too much.

 

[minniecarousel]

oo-oo-that's me!

Our sons were 2 years apart in school. The oldest initially went to college about a 5 hour drive away. Hated it after one semester, went to another, closer college, then came home for the year his brother was a HS senior. So then they both go off at the same time. So, they both left me at once!

We invited my Mom (who was living with my Sister about 25 miles away) to come live with us, since I was taking her to doctor appts. This was 8-9 years ago, and now at age 92, I am her "caretaker". She's good company.

But, man-o-man, did I miss my little boys! Where did they go?! They're both married and live fairly close. We treated all 4 of them to go with us to the Steve Miller Band concert last week. It's fun doing things like that with all of them. We're going with older DS & DDIL to WDW in Dec. to celebrate son's 30th birthday.

So, the little boys are gone, but we're finding our relationship with them and their wives to be happy, just different. AND, we've been told that grandchildren are in the future!

Hang in there, Mom! It does get easier.

 

[travelynn]

Thank you for your feedback.

Minniecarousel, it sounds like you have a good relationship with your DDIL. We do too so far, and have traveled some (to WDW) but its really different with DS now. They've only been married a month and barely back from their honeymoon so this is very new to me. Seems like I was just navigating my role as the DIL and now I'm the MIL! WOW!! So any advice? Anyone?

Most of my friends have younger kids and work, at least part time, so they keep telling to enjoy my new free time. Having worked off and on most of my life, in addition to raising 3 great kids, I should be happy to have some free time, but I'm not. Maybe I just have too much free time. And I miss my babies.

Again, if you'd have told me even 4 years ago that I'd feel like this, I'd have said you were crazy.

Thanks all for your understanding and ideas. I really appreciate them more than you know.

 

[luvflorida]

First of all, to you. I know where you're coming from. However, what I really want to say is that it'll get better as time goes on.

My husband and I have been married for 30 years (31 in December) and we've raised three terrific kids. We loved every minute of family life and we have always been very close to one another. I remember thinking, after our firstborn came home from the hospital, that every morning was like Christmas morning. It was just the best feeling in the world, knowing that every morning I woke up, I had that beautiful little boy waiting for me in the next room. It was like the most wonderful gift in the world. I felt the same way with each child.

I loved all the vacations, birthday parties, holidays and other special times. I loved all the everyday moments, too. And, you're right, time did go by too fast!

Our son is now 28 and living eight hours away, our middle daughter is married and lives an hour away and our younger daughter is a Sophomore in college. She turns 19 in a few weeks. I cried when our firstborn went off to college, I cried when our middle child went off to college and I BAWLED when our youngest went off to college.

Last August was the first time in ages that my husband and I had no children living at home full-time. I dreaded the empty-nest syndrome. The hardest adjustment was dealing with the last one going off to college. I missed her SO MUCH! And she wasn't even that far away. The campus was only half an hour from the house, and we still saw her at least once a week, but still...my baby was gone!

But, here's the good part- Even though our kids grow up and move away, they never really leave! And, even though we raised three kids, there always seems to be a lot more than three hanging around! And, they get married and you gain a son or daughter-in-law, as you well know! I guess what I'm trying to say is that things won't stay the same and that things do change. It's just different, but every bit as exciting and enjoyable.

It took my husband and me awhile to adjust, but we made it and are having the time of our lives. The kids are no longer living at home, but we see them a lot. My husband and I are enjoying the time we have with each other, eating out, going away on the weekends, and just relaxing with a good movie or book. I love and cherish my alone time, too!

Now, as far as missing the pitter-patter of little feet around the house, here's some more good news. You will hear it again! The love of our lives entered the world almost a year ago. Our older daughter and her husband presented us with our first grandchild last August. I honestly never thought I could love another baby as much as my own three kids. Well, I was wrong! Being grandparents is the most wonderful thing in the world! I truly believe this precious baby entered our lives at just the right time.

Sorry for such a long post, but I just want you to know that others have been there, and that it will get better. The only thing now that gets me down sometimes is knowing that the clock is ticking and that I'm closing in on 55. I feel that life is too short and there is so much more I want to do!

I guess all anyone can do is take it one day at a time and enjoy every minute of it!!

 

[travelynn]

luvflorida, thanks for your post. It sounds like you've made great strides to accepting this new stage in your life. Your adorable grandson likely makes it much easier!

And you say there's so much more you want to do, but while I've been so busy my entire life, working(many years just part time) and raising kids, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up! In a word, I feel lost, like whats my purpose now? I know our kids always need us but even our youngest is more independent each day. And I know that's how it should be, and everyone says we have great kids and we did such a good job. But I don't want that stage to end. And with oldest just getting married, I know the in-laws will take them away much of the time too, and we'll see them even less. Being laid off from my job is nothing compared to the loss of my kids, the realization that our kids are essentially all grown up now.

I just read the thread about Menopause and when I add those symptoms to the mix, I just don't know what to do. Others said on that thread that a mild antidepressant could be helpful. Should I consider that? I've never been on anything in my entire life, but then I was always happily busy my entire life.

Thanks for listening and any feedback you want to give. As I said, almost all of my friends still have young kids so can't relate, and they all wish they had more time like I do and that I should enjoy it, when I'm just grieving for my old, lost life. I just want my happy life back. . .

All things considered, I know I'm still blessed but its hard to remember that sometimes. . .

So thanks again for your feedback and I wish you all the very best, too.

 

[travelynn]

So any other thoughts, advice or experiences anyone? Would greatly appreciate any feedback.

 

[kellyg403]

Not an empty nester yet, but well on my way. I am having a really hard time with it, but dh is positively ecstatic that soon we will be having 'alone' time and all that. I don't know what I will do with myself. I look forward to totally different things!

I have older children, married with children themselves, but the younger ones leaving is hitting me really hard. I guess it has something to do with the fact that when the older few started leaving there were more behind them. I don't know. Maybe its just the mom thing.

I do hope to spend a lot more time with the grandkids and I hope to have a little extra $$$ to spoil them with but all in all an empty house is NOT my desire. Ask DH and he will tell you visiting them and messing up their house for a change is all he lives for!

Kelly

 

[Dis-appointed]

I'm in a similar position and, very unexpectedly to me, having marriage problems. So, my advice, is to recognize that this is a danger time for your marriage and savor and really work on the marriage in all that extra time you just developed.

My counselor says I'm strong and going to be okay, but I tell you when you're already dealing with the physical changes of being in your early 50s and being largely finished with the job (raising children) you've put your energy into for years, this really stinks. Couple that with job cuts for DH that have contributed to bad behavior. I think my DH and I will probably survive this since we both want to, but I've lost my feelings of security and confidence, perhaps forever. This is not what I had in mind for going into old age . . .

Sorry to be a downer -- just recognize this is one of those times to work hard on your relationship even if it seems okay.

 

[travelynn]

Not an empty nester yet, but well on my way. I am having a really hard time with it, but dh is positively ecstatic that soon we will be having 'alone' time and all that. I don't know what I will do with myself. I look forward to totally different things!

I have older children, married with children themselves, but the younger ones leaving is hitting me really hard. I guess it has something to do with the fact that when the older few started leaving there were more behind them. I don't know. Maybe its just the mom thing.

I do hope to spend a lot more time with the grandkids and I hope to have a little extra $$$ to spoil them with but all in all an empty house is NOT my desire. Ask DH and he will tell you visiting them and messing up their house for a change is all he lives for!

Kelly

Your DH sounds like mine. We don't have grandkids yet (oldest just got married last month) but dh is really looking forward to them, and to helping them build their first home. That is if we can ever see them. They laughingly say they're still on their honeymoon, although both are back to working long hours. Neither side of the family have seen them. We're all wondering!

For those who are in-laws, how long did it take before you felt close to your new daughter or son in law? Any tips or ideas?

I'm in a similar position and, very unexpectedly to me, having marriage problems. So, my advice, is to recognize that this is a danger time for your marriage and savor and really work on the marriage in all that extra time you just developed.

My counselor says I'm strong and going to be okay, but I tell you when you're already dealing with the physical changes of being in your early 50s and being largely finished with the job (raising children) you've put your energy into for years, this really stinks. Couple that with job cuts for DH that have contributed to bad behavior. I think my DH and I will probably survive this since we both want to, but I've lost my feelings of security and confidence, perhaps forever. This is not what I had in mind for going into old age . . .

Sorry to be a downer -- just recognize this is one of those times to work hard on your relationship even if it seems okay.

I'm sorry to hear about your difficult marriage. That would definitely make the whole empty nest process more difficult. So far ours is still good, but I also understand that whole physical changes thing too, with the perimenopause, ugh, it makes everything more difficult. I honestly don't remember eveer having a more difficult time in my life and prior to this, it hadn't been all sweetness and roses!

There have been some great responses here and maybe others will have some ideas for you, also.

I hope others will continue posting their thoughts and feedback, its very helpful and appreciated.

Also, does anyone know why my PM's won't go through? I finally got this quotation thing to work, so maybe its related to the amount of days on the board?

 

[travelynn]

Does anyone else have any other thoughts or experiences or words of wisdom?

 

[Keli]

I'm a new empty nester but my situation is unique in that I think it will come in increments rather than all at once.
My only child, dd, married in June and moved 30 minutes away. She moved into her husband's apt where they cannot have pets. Dd has two dogs. They don't want to sign a lease on a new place now because SIL graduates college in Dec. and they will be going wherever he gets a job.
So right now I still see dd nearly every day because she works nearby and stops every evening to feed the dogs and play with them a bit.
But after dec. she may be very far away and I'll have all kinds of emotions to deal with but for now it's great seeing her so much.

 

[powellrj]

We are getting there! Our oldest DS is 26 and married, middle DS just moved out yesterday for college and youngest DD is on vacation with her DSIL.

While DD is only 13 and still has a few more years left at home, she is the busiest child we have had and is never home, so we consider ourselves semi-empty nesters!

Because we have been married a long time (31 years) and have older friends, we are the last in our group to still have kids at home. Most of my friends are having a great time now that their kids are gone. I have to say, we have been spoiled this summer because DD has been gone more than she has been home so we have had a small taste of it. We go to movies together, eat out, go shopping. Its almost like we are dating again. Thats what all of my friends say its like for them too. I have found very few who miss the kids being home. I think its because we are so exhausted after all the years of activities its nice to slow down a little.

DH and I both have full time jobs and keep really busy so I think that makes a difference.

Someone asked about having children-in-law. I have to say I love my DDIL. She is a really sweet girl who just fit right in to our mad house. She has been so welcoming of my other kids. She became ill this summer and my DD stayed with her for several weeks helping her to recover. It has been wonderful for both of them. They are at Dollywood together this week celebrating DDIL getting better! I feel so fortunate that my DS found someone to share his life with that is so good for him. He isn't the easiest person to live with and she is a real trouper!

 

[kellyg403]

About the new 'inlaws', I have been blessed in that category. So far I can't say that there is one that I haven't liked. Now, we have our moments because I am still mom to 1/2 of the partnership, but as soon as I learned to butt out, things were great! All kidding aside, my kids have picked people who compliment them well. And that is all that is important.

I wouldn't say that we were close for at least for the first few years. They kinda lived their own lives. I have gotten closer to my ddil in the last year since my son has been in Afghanistan. I wouldn't rush it though. It is a learning process. I think at first I was concerned about the kids getting hurt, will they make the right decisions that I found myself not wanting to get too close to the new members. Plus, while I knew them while they were dating and everything, I learned much more after the weddings about them.

Hopefully, all will be right with world when all the kids finally move out. But, I have one dd who has moved back in with my grandson. While wonderful, I do think the house got that much smaller that day. So, there are parts of me looking forward to a cleaner house but all in all I think I will have many days that I will have to fill. There is hope that I will find out I am more than a mom! I might even have time for a hobby!

Kelly

 

[Snoozan]

I've been an empty nester officially for about a year now - the 2 DS's had been in and out of the house for a few years before that due to school and living part-time with GF's, but the oldest DS got an apartment last August and he and his GF just bought a house about a 1/2 hour away a couple months while 24-yo DS has been in an apartment for about 16 months with a buddy. This buddy just moved back home so we did offer to our youngest that he was welcome to move back home if he couldn't find a new roommate as it's too expensive to rent on your own around here. Thank goodness - he got another buddy to move in and share expenses! Although I would have been fine with him moving home, my DH and I are so used to doing what we want, when we want, it would have meant some adjustments. I see my youngest DS at least once a week when he stops by the do his laundry and I so enjoy his company - he's easier to talk to than even my DH and definitely my oldest DS - who's usually a man of few words.

My oldest DS and his DGF are making me a grandmother in a couple of months so I know I'll be seeing them plenty - I plan on being a hands on kind of grandmother and even though I'm only 50, feel like I'm ready for it! I just know I'll still be taking my mini-vacations frequently for my "adult" time. Life is great being an empty-nester, I think. I love my DH and my DS's, and although I still miss those baseball games and soccer games and school functions, I know I'm going to get to enjoy them all again soon, but with my grandchildren!

 

[darlak]

Having 15 years between the oldest and youngest of my 4 kids has made sure that them leaving home has happended in small increments. When the 1st left home, it was very hard for me and her younger siblings. She's now been married 10 years and has 3 kids of her own.

Then my only son left home for college. That one was really hard, for both me and my son. He wound up coming back home and going to a local college for 2 years. (Not for my sake, by any means...missed his girlfriend!) They've been living together now for 2 years and are getting married next month.

Then 2 years ago, my middle daughter got married. I thought that one would be the hardest yet as she and I are very close. In truth though, since she moved out, I probably spend more time with her than before she got married. She's the one who shares my WDW addiction and we do one mother and daughter trip every year with usually just the 2 of us, since my youngest is usually waaay too busy for us and my oldest daughter intensely dislikes WDW.

That leaves only my baby...my 15 year old. She's the most social child I've ever had and she spends less time with me than any of the rest did at her age. I often miss her now!

Most of my friends have been empty-nesters for several years now, so that's helped us adjust. There are many activites and events already that I pass up because I feel I've been gone too much in a particular week. It also helps that I work full-time. My advice would be to find something that occupies your time. Think back to some of the things you used to wish you had the time to do. Find a new hobby or do some volunteer work. I now go to a couple of antique auctions every month with a group of friends (great fun, we make an evening of it, eating dinner and sometimes bidding against each other at the auction) and to spend more time with my DH, I've become a poker player! (That was how he found to spend his extra time!) There's a small buy-in tournament near me almost every night of the week, so I can always find a game and have made some new friends playing. I also started and run a regular monthly tournament to benefit a charity where I do some volunteer work.

The possibilities are almost endless. Life is an adventure and you're embarking on a new leg of your adventure. Get out there and find your joy...whatever that may be for you! I do plan one Sunday dinner each month at my house and all the kids and grandkids usually show up for that. They sometimes say that's the only chance they get to see me these days!

 

[Teresa Pitman]

On Friday, I'm taking my younger two boys (not that young - 28 and 24!) to Disney to work for a year in the International program. The youngest has always lived with me - he lived at home while attending university in our town. I have two older children as well, one married with three kids who lives about an hour away, and a daughter who lives about an hour and a half away.

What feels hard to me is that I am single (divorced for 20 years) so I will really be alone. I think this stage would be easier if I had a partner. But I don't, so I am looking for things to fill the time I'd normally have spent just hanging out with my boys, and hoping to develop new friendships too.

And if you happen to be in Epcot, say hi to my boys at the Canadian pavilion!

Teresa

 

[Teacher510]

DD25 is moving to Nebraska on Sunday for at least the next 2 years while her BF finishes his PHD. She doesn't want a long distance relationship. They plan to marry so even if she moves closer later (maybe Pa where I'd actually like to live if I ever retire!) I guess it's just me. As a single parent with 2 old and sick kitties I have a lot of adjusting to do. I have a great job and lots of friends so I will adjust but I need to relearn my life!

 

[travelynn]

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for your feedback. I appreciate it more than you know. I'm sorry so many of you have had a difficult time, due to so many reasons. I really don't know anyone here in person going through this. Although I do have a nice group of friends, they all have younger kids and think I should relish this extra time.

But I know now that I'm grieving the loss of this emptying nest and then also my job, that I really did like. Not finding much in way of possible jobs and so the losses are just compounded.

Trying to be thankful, and I am, but sometimes its really difficult. And dh is so busy with work, and all my relatives live many states away. So I appreciate hearing from all of you and knowing this too will pass.

As for the inlaw thing, thanks for the feedback there, too. I know it takes time, and they've only been married 5 weeks and can't expect alot from them. So I will try to be patient. Neither Dh or I want to be smothering and we never have been, but he too feels this is going to be very different with our son and ddil. There's just something about it, and yet its still new so maybe thats it. But it isn't just me in that regard, in that dh too senses there will be much distance here

But please keep the ideas and thoughts coming. I hope others are being helped through this too, even if they don't post. Thank you again and God bless you all.

 

[KinPA]

I'm not there yet, my guys are 17 but the one is always saying "When I'm 18 I'm outta here!" I just smile and say ok. They are at a funny stage now. I'm the last one they want to be with right now, their friends are #1 but when I plan a vacation they say "We go too, right??" I will be sad when they do leave, but also kind of excited for them to be starting their "grown-up lives"

 

[rockin_rep]

Wow, i'm glad to find this thread and i'm touched by all your stories.

We too are in the middle of the 'empty-ing' of the nest - still aways to go yet though - and i can tell its going to definitely be a bittersweet time. I know its all part of the cycle of life and we're so proud of our kids, but wow, the time is going soo quickly!!!