Anticipating family member will want to stay with us

[Pink Partridge]

.And for those saying don't pay for the hotel - I'm the reverse. It costs a LOT of money and time to go out to see someone (I spent almost 2 decades doing that going family member to family member, always as the one visiting, until I got sick...and now the reverse finally happens). If someone in my family is willing to take vacation, pay for travel, and visit me, I'd be happy to put them up in a hotel for a night or two and make them a great meal (and I have done both).

For me, part of taking a vacation is paying for your own hotel.

Keep in mind, OP did not invite this person to come visit her.

I truly can't imagine picking up an adult cousin's vacation tab. I don't know a decent person that would accept the money.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

I wouldn't go down the smoking as #1 reason since she might have quit and then what do you say.
You stated your elderly mom lives with you. That right there is the best, most reasonable explanation, PERIOD!! Practice what you will need to say, should she ask about staying in your home.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My mom lived with us, and got a little cranky in her 90s, lol. One night a cousin who was doing Ancestry.com called to ask her some questions since she was the last surviving member of her generation on that side of the family. You would’ve thought he’d asked her to cut off her right arm! “Aww, come on! I don’t want to do that!” She came around a bit, but wasn’t happy about it.

Forget it when she started having health issues. She was very PROUD, and did NOT want anyone to see her with a walker or a commode, etc. Only certain people she wanted to see, and everything would have to be just so - hair and nails done, dressed, looking spiffy. (My job to get her looking that way and house neat, equipment put away, etc.) It was a lot! And that’s what I meant when I said it’s perfectly fine to tell her that taking care of your Mom is about all you can handle. That, and SHORT visits.

It sounds like your Mom is still doing ok, OP, which is great. But, as you know, you still have to watch her. People in their 90s can have things go south fairly quickly. My mom plopped on the toilet one day and fractured her hip! DD heard it crack and thought it was the toilet! Next thing she had surgery with a two month hospital/rehab stay, and she got diagnosed with cancer in the midst of all that. Within the space of a few months she went from independent living and still cooking for herself, to looking at hospice. I can understand why you’re stressed about this.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

Tell the cousin you’re spending the holidays on a cruise. Problem solved.

 

[ronandannette]

Honestly? Just be honest with her. It sounds like she would be unwelcome even if you try not be make her feel that, I would hate traveling 500 miles to visit someone expecting a family excited to see me and then realize that I am not. It would suck. Just tell her the truth clearly. If she is welcome to visit your mother then explain how you can arrange that (meeting at restaurants/ hotels/ everything other posters have said) but don't fake it just to be polite, she will notice and it's gonna be worse than just telling the truth.

That is not true at all. We always make time to see her and meet for lunch when we're in her area. It's an enjoyable time! We saw her and had lunch just last year. I am happy to have her come to our house and see my mom. My mom will love sharing stories and visiting with her, but my mom also doesn't want her staying here overnight either. We already have four people in our home. It's just a fact that with some people a little bit of time together goes a long way!

Fair enough, but I think the bolded in @starlite_'s post is very valid. Avoiding the question didn't protect you from having to finally have a direct, albeit uncomfortable for you, conversation about the Disney trip. Don't use that tactic again. If she so much as hints at wanting to visit, just clearly tell her she can't stay with you. Then you won't ever have the inevitable awkward conversation hanging over your head. I wish you all well.

 

[Liz]

Thank you for the replies! All very, very helpful! My cousin will make the move in January, assuming the sale of her current home doesn’t fall through. I would guess if she visits us it would maybe be next spring or summer. Having her home finally close to being sold and the move actually happening is what prompted this post as it’s on my mind.

It’s confirmed she does still smoke. I wasn’t sure. She saw a doctor about orthopedic issues and he said he wouldn’t operate unless she quit smoking. She didn’t like that so she will find a new doctor when she moves.

If and when a visit occurs I will be sure to update how it comes out!!

 

[Pink Partridge]

It’s confirmed she does still smoke. I wasn’t sure. She saw a doctor about orthopedic issues and he said he wouldn’t operate unless she quit smoking. She didn’t like that so she will find a new doctor when she moves.

But don't use the smoking as an excuse. I have family members that smoke and they are very respectful of my non smoking home.

They will go for a walk to have a cigarette. They won't even smoke outside near my home. So that would not be a reason to say you can't stay over.


Good luck!

 

[_19disnA]

It's your home and YOUR choice of whether or not you want someone from out of town staying with you. The fact they might visit is NOT a reason you need to feel compelled to explain why you don't want them staying at your home. Maybe they have different schedules then others (up early/late, stay up later than others), maybe you don't have enough bathrooms or are already busy with your elderly mom or you don't like the smell of smoke. Or any number of other reasons.

They shouldn't push you into doing something you don't want to do just because they are visiting from out of town. You don't need to rehearse what you are going to say but firmly tell them if they ask you prefer they stay in a hotel. You don't need to explain why. Maybe you can go shopping together or meet at a restaurant. They can still visit without actually staying at your place.