Another WWYD situation

[sunshinehighway]

Totally agree on this one. I happen to live in a town that strongly leans one direction, usually the opposite of how I think, and I many times have to listen to people criticize those who think differently (in lunch rooms, dinner parties, pretty much any gathering). I have learned that there are so many subjects that just should not be brought up because it can affect you personally through friendships, professionally through work contacts, etc.. I have gotten really good at just keeping my mouth shut. Most of those volatile subjects are pretty entrenched in someone's thinking. I won't convince someone to change their views any more than they will change my views.

It sounds like a copout, but sometimes it is just best to avoid talking abut those subjects in general.

My thinking is if you let the person know you disagree, they will not continue to make the comments to you. Yeah I don't think anyone is changing anyone's mind. I wouldn't try to. I do agree some topics just shouldn't be brought up. That would be my way of letting the person know I don't want it brought up. If that didn't work, I'd flat out tell them we shouldn't talk about it because I wouldn't want our different opinions to hurt our friendship.

I'd never be able to just continually ignore it. I learned long ago its better for me to just be upfront from the beginning. My mouth gets me in trouble when I ignore something for too long.

 

[Pigeon]

My thinking is if you let the person know you disagree, they will not continue to make the comments to you. Yeah I don't think anyone is changing anyone's mind. I wouldn't try to. I do agree some topics just shouldn't be brought up. That would be my way of letting the person know I don't want it brought up. If that didn't work, I'd flat out tell them we shouldn't talk about it because I wouldn't want our different opinions to hurt our friendship.

I'd never be able to just continually ignore it. I learned long ago its better for me to just be upfront from the beginning. My mouth gets me in trouble when I ignore something for too long.

I agree. I have a sister who is very much like the "friend" in the OP's post. I refuse to listen to her hate. If you are silent, she assumes you agree with her. I ask her to refrain from the topic and when she is unable to do so, I stop communicating with her. Much better all around.

 

[Scornelius]

Why can't people realize when to let things go????

When gay people have the same rights as straight people, then maybe it can be let go. Until then, it's a discussion that needs to happen.

OP, if it ever happens again I hope you have the strength of conviction to tell her (or anyone else) that you disagree. Personally, I would have laughed in her face and said "if two people in love grosses you out, the 21st century is going to eat you alive". If she persisted, I would have sharply told her that I think her beliefs are offensive and while she's welcome to have them, I don't want to hear them. I would have no issue with losing a friend over something like this, because if someone's beliefs are that antiquated and they feel strongly enough to bring it up in public, they're probably not someone I need in my life. The men were holding hands, not partaking in an orgy. The concept that two people (of any gender combination) holding hands could be offensive boggles my mind, and I think anyone who feels that way needs a bit of therapy. Seriously.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I agree. This is different than, say, religion or politics. This is about people and human rights. If nobody talks about it, then the inequities will just continue. I'm not going to get into an argument over religion - what's the point? - but human rights, yes, I need to speak up.

TP

 

[A_Princess'_Daddy]

My thinking is if you let the person know you disagree, they will not continue to make the comments to you. Yeah I don't think anyone is changing anyone's mind. I wouldn't try to. I do agree some topics just shouldn't be brought up. That would be my way of letting the person know I don't want it brought up. If that didn't work, I'd flat out tell them we shouldn't talk about it because I wouldn't want our different opinions to hurt our friendship.

I'd never be able to just continually ignore it. I learned long ago its better for me to just be upfront from the beginning. My mouth gets me in trouble when I ignore something for too long.

When gay people have the same rights as straight people, then maybe it can be let go. Until then, it's a discussion that needs to happen.

OP, if it ever happens again I hope you have the strength of conviction to tell her (or anyone else) that you disagree. Personally, I would have laughed in her face and said "if two people in love grosses you out, the 21st century is going to eat you alive". If she persisted, I would have sharply told her that I think her beliefs are offensive and while she's welcome to have them, I don't want to hear them. I would have no issue with losing a friend over something like this, because if someone's beliefs are that antiquated and they feel strongly enough to bring it up in public, they're probably not someone I need in my life. The men were holding hands, not partaking in an orgy. The concept that two people (of any gender combination) holding hands could be offensive boggles my mind, and I think anyone who feels that way needs a bit of therapy. Seriously.

My thoughts exactly.

OP wasn't asking if she should begin to proactively lecture her friend about opinions that she knew that her friend held but had not shared with her. Rather, OP was smacked in the face with her friend's bigotry and wanted to know if she should have responded with her own opinions.

For all those who say that the opinion held by the friend was distasteful but that, regardless, the best approach was to remain quiet, would you have also remained quiet during the Civil Rights era, during the fight for women's suffrage, during the fight to end slavery, or for independence from England? Those things changed because people stood up and said "no more". Would you have stayed quiet during the Japanese Internment in this country or during the Holocaust? Many people did, and look what happened.

Rarely does good come from staying quiet. It's undoubtedly the easier path, but it is rarely the right thing to do for the world.

 

[ilovemk76]

I would have said, "What is the problem?". I might have also ask, "are you attracted to one if them?"

 

[married2mm]

If I was in that position,and it was a very close friend- I would HAVE to say something,in fact if a friend of mine was homophobic- they would no longer be my friend.

Slightly different situation,but an acquaintance-a mom from school- and I were having a general chit chat one day.
From nowhere,she threw in a comment about the sole purpose of marriage being for children- she had recently got back together with her husband after a separation- and this was her way of announcing her pregnancy to me.

Rather than discuss with her my personal opinions on marriage/children,I simply congratulated her on her baby news,and steered the conversation elsewhere.
Now,if she'd been a friend-that would've gone a whole different direction.

 

[Uncle Remus]

When gay people have the same rights as straight people, then maybe it can be let go. Until then, it's a discussion that needs to happen.

OP, if it ever happens again I hope you have the strength of conviction to tell her (or anyone else) that you disagree. Personally, I would have laughed in her face and said "if two people in love grosses you out, the 21st century is going to eat you alive". If she persisted, I would have sharply told her that I think her beliefs are offensive and while she's welcome to have them, I don't want to hear them. I would have no issue with losing a friend over something like this, because if someone's beliefs are that antiquated and they feel strongly enough to bring it up in public, they're probably not someone I need in my life. The men were holding hands, not partaking in an orgy. The concept that two people (of any gender combination) holding hands could be offensive boggles my mind, and I think anyone who feels that way needs a bit of therapy. Seriously.

My exact sentiments, thanks for posting that!

 

[ChattaAlley]

It's sad when people believe that silence is best when someone thinks that it is acceptable to suppress others' human rights.

I assume you are talking about the girls right to speak out about something she does not agree with or are you talking about the OP right to speak out against her friends right to her opinion? Either way nothing sad about it . And no one is suppressing anything .

 

[LisaR]

I'm a bit confused. Your friend has expressed concern in the past that your son might turn out gay because he plays with the wrong sex toys, in her mind. That doesn't scream closed-minded, homophobic to you?

She now knows I don't agree. My son occasionally picks princess things over more "boy" themed things (he only 22 months). When she saw this one day she said "why do you let him have that? You're not afraid he's going to be gay?" To which I replied that I don't care as long as he's happy in life and whoever he chooses to spend his life with treats him well.

It doesn't seem to me that this came out of left field. How could you not have a clue that she felt this way based on her statements above?

The other night I was walking with my friend and two males holding hands passed us. She immediately started talking about how they shouldn't do that in public, that it's gross...etc. You get my drift. For me this came out of left field. I had no idea she felt this way. Her feelings on this are very strong to say the least.

I just didn't know what to say to her so I said nothing. Didn't agree or disagree. What would you say to your friend in this situation? Would you say anything or just change the subject?

A bit of back story....we are very good friends and I wouldn't let our disagreement about this one issue ruin our friendship, but I was just VERY surprised she felt this way.

 

[marcyinPA]

I'm a bit confused. Your friend has expressed concern in the past that your son might turn out gay because he plays with the wrong sex toys, in her mind. That doesn't scream closed-minded, homophobic to you?



It doesn't seem to me that this came out of left field. How could you not have a clue that she felt this way based on her statements above?

That's what I was wondering too...

 

[ilovefh]

I'm a bit confused. Your friend has expressed concern in the past that your son might turn out gay because he plays with the wrong sex toys, in her mind. That doesn't scream closed-minded, homophobic to you?

It doesn't seem to me that this came out of left field. How could you not have a clue that she felt this way based on her statements above?

She asked me about my son after she said this.

 

[ashley0139]

My thoughts exactly.

OP wasn't asking if she should begin to proactively lecture her friend about opinions that she knew that her friend held but had not shared with her. Rather, OP was smacked in the face with her friend's bigotry and wanted to know if she should have responded with her own opinions.

For all those who say that the opinion held by the friend was distasteful but that, regardless, the best approach was to remain quiet, would you have also remained quiet during the Civil Rights era, during the fight for women's suffrage, during the fight to end slavery, or for independence from England? Those things changed because people stood up and said "no more". Would you have stayed quiet during the Japanese Internment in this country or during the Holocaust? Many people did, and look what happened.

Rarely does good come from staying quiet. It's undoubtedly the easier path, but it is rarely the right thing to do for the world.

 

[Wishing on a star]

She now knows I don't agree. My son occasionally picks princess things over more "boy" themed things (he only 22 months). When she saw this one day she said "why do you let him have that? You're not afraid he's going to be gay?" To which I replied that I don't care as long as he's happy in life and whoever he chooses to spend his life with treats him well.

OMG, how did I miss this!!!!
I was thinking that the OP was kind of surprised and confused, and that this was the first time the subject had really been mentioned.

NOW it involves the OP and her child.
NOW this person is questioning the OP's parenting, AND the child's possible sexuality.

At this time, it is all about appropriate boundaries, NOT which side of the issue one happens to be on...
And, my problem would be based on the fact that this 'friend' did not choose to respect boundaries.


If the OP felt 'compelled' to say something... then HE!! yes, speak up... only ONCE. As I posted before. This other person has a right to their feelings and beliefs. PERIOD.

Either the OP decides to continue the friendship, with an agreement to disagree - IN SILENCE, or she chooses to let this friendship go based on some very real personal and moral differences.

But, guess what people...
Sometimes, SILENCE IS GOLDEN.
It is not the OP's (nor mine, nor anybody else's) obligation and responsibility to go out and 'save the world'.

I would say that there is ZERO chance that 'discussing' this with this person would any chance, at all, of changing this person's feelings / viewpoints.

Sometimes it just isn't worth the drama.

Now, somebody questioning my parenting, and thinking that it was their place to question my child's sexuality... THAT's where the line really is getting crossed. That is when I would feel compelled to let them know that I just do not feel that is appropriate.... and that is why we won't be that close as friends.

When it comes to personally involve you... THAT is when there is some basis and obligation to protect your personal boundaries.

NO MATTER WHICH SIDE OF THE ISSUE ONE HAPPENS TO BE ON.
BOTH sides... EITHER side...

There is a great chance that this other person's feelings beliefs are based in their religious beliefs.

It would be JUST as wrong for the the OP to question her and disagree with her, and try to change her feelings/beliefs, as it is for this person to question and try to change the OP's beliefs/feelings.

I do not choose to live my life fighting battles, living on a soap-box.
You know the old saying, Choose Your Battles....
Trying to change an individual's feelings and or beliefs on issues like this, ON EITHER SIDE, is just not a battle I, personally, would choose.

 

[LisaR]

She asked me about my son after she said this.

Okay, but FTR, that isn't the way you made it sound. There is less than 30 minutes between your two posts.

In your first post, you said, "The other night....." and went on to tell about the rant your friend had.
That indicates to me that this just happened in the past few days.

In your next post less than 30 minutes later, you reference your son and the toys he was playing with by saying, "When she saw this one day......"

That indicates to me that it happened before the walk which just took place. So you posted this on the Dis while your friend was over and she made that comment about your son?

 

[Wishing on a star]

Agreed, very confusing!!!!

But, if both happened, whenever...
Then that is why I just posted again above.

I too had missed that, because the indication was that this was one incident that came out of the blue.

 

[GoofyLo]

Maybe you should have reached over and asked to hold her hand as you walked

 

[Teresa Pitman]

But, guess what people...
Sometimes, SILENCE IS GOLDEN.
It is not the OP's (nor mine, nor anybody else's) obligation and responsibility to go out and 'save the world'.

I would say that there is ZERO chance that 'discussing' this with this person would any chance, at all, of changing this person's feelings / viewpoints.

There is a great chance that this other person's feelings beliefs are based in their religious beliefs.

It would be JUST as wrong for the the OP to question her and disagree with her, and try to change her feelings/beliefs, as it is for this person to question and try to change the OP's beliefs/feelings.

I do not choose to live my life fighting battles, living on a soap-box.
You know the old saying, Choose Your Battles....
Trying to change an individual's feelings and or beliefs on issues like this, ON EITHER SIDE, is just not a battle I, personally, would choose.

How does anybody form an opinion if nobody ever discusses them? I've changed my opinion on any number of topics after discussing them with people, learning more information, seeing the evidence and thinking things over.

You may personally think it's not a battle worth being involved in, but I would disagree. There's a saying "All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing."

TP

 

[Ceila]

There is a great chance that this other person's feelings beliefs are based in their religious beliefs.

It would be JUST as wrong for the the OP to question her and disagree with her, and try to change her feelings/beliefs, as it is for this person to question and try to change the OP's beliefs/feelings.

I do not choose to live my life fighting battles, living on a soap-box.
You know the old saying, Choose Your Battles....
Trying to change an individual's feelings and or beliefs on issues like this, ON EITHER SIDE, is just not a battle I, personally, would choose.

It is NOT wrong to question someone who believes that others are not deserving of the same human rights as them. It is NOT wrong to challenge the belief that same-gender couples should hide their relationships from the public. Claiming something in the name of religion does NOT give one the right to not be challenged when basic human rights are involved.

So, fine, sit quietly by if you so choose. However, I am glad that there are people who aren't like you - those who believe in speaking up and trying to do what is right.

 

[WDWBarb]

I would have told her that I was glad she brought the subject up, because there was something I had been longing to tell her. Then I would have dropped to one knee, grabbed her hand and professed my undying love. When she ran screaming, I'd enjoy the rest of my walk in beautiful silence.