Another questionable invitation: Am I just old fashioned?

[mickeylove2]

Yes, that's tacky...are they related to my sister by any chance??? Any time she has any type of party for her kids, whether it's b-day or even a Christmas gathering of friends and family, she will state on the invite, please do not bring gifts, if you would like to contribute to the X children, there will be a vacation jar (5 gallon water bottle) set up for you to throw some money in so that the kids can go on a nice vacation this year. That to me is very tacky!

 

[traviesojmt]

I completely disagree with your sister. This is not "how things are done". Now, if all 125 invitees are extremely close family and friends, then maybe I could see making a telephone call saying "hey, thinking of having a potluck to celebrate birthday." This is definitely not that case. I agree with you.

Goodness gracious, I even tell my 6 year old that birthday presents should be appreciated but not EXPECTED. If you invite someone to a party, it should be because you WANT their company at the event.....NOT because you want their present. Even if I was having a potluck, I would still never ask for a monetary contribution or even suggest that they not come if they don't have the time or money to bring something. You really have to wonder about people some times.

 

[deerhart]

for part of my son's b-day present this year we are taking him to a baseball game.

This is because last year for our younger son's bday (and dh's and my dad's) we purchased playoff tickets and went to the game on/near their b-days (I paid for everyone's tickets including my parents as my dad's b-day gift).

We gave grandma (mil), and my parents the option of attending the game with us, but I made it very clear I wasn't going to be buying all the tickets. Of course, they had input into the cost of the tickets. If my parents had decided not to go, then we would have probably gone on a weekday game instead of weekend or they wouldn't have stayed the extra day (not really a big deal because my dad is as big of a fan as we are and loves to go to games).

I think a lot of it is how you approach the subject and what you lead people to expect. I don't mind getting an invitation with the registry included or even a list of things a kid likes or sizes. It saves me the time and effort of having to contact someone to find this stuff out. If I am getting a gift, I want it to be something I think the person would enjoy/like/need and I really don't like doing just cash/gift cards unless I have to.

 

[G's mommy]

We just recently held a 90th birthday reception for my grandmother. My mom and aunt paid for a caterer to do all the food and we stated on the invitations no gifts. We would not have dreamed of having her dear friends contribute food or pay at the door to get in! She did receive over 100 birthday cards and a few people did include gift cards anyway. It turned out great and she loved every minute of her special day and was not overrun with gifts she doesn't need or use. A classy party for a very classy lady!

 

[Soben]

I actually am trying to figure out how to word the invitations for a party to celebrate my DH turning 50 -- I am holding it at a restaurant, and will pay the bill. I want to send invitations, but I'm not sure how to say, "just order, and I'll pay for it!"

I agree w/ the other comment, you just don't mention it at all. If they come prepared to pay for themselves, they will just be pleasantly surprised.

 

[LisaInNc]

I want to put a different spin on this.

Lets say your friends wife was talking about having a party but said she couldn't afford it. Wouldn't most people as good friends offer to help? I know that I would rather help than my friend not having a party at all. So if you kind of ignore the way she asked and think of it as this, help with the party because you care about your friend.

We can all get fiesty about how people invite but I kind of ignore that and just realize that not everyone was brought up the way I was, not everyone has class oozing from their pores. So I try not to let tackiness affect how I view an event.

I got an invite to a greenback double shower for some friends getting married. It's basically saying come and drink and eat and bring a card with money to help the new couple. Tacky....yup but do I LOVE the couple? Yup. Should I hold them accountable for the party planners tackiness? Nope. I went and I brought a card with the money in it because to me I was glad to do it. I got to have an evening with a lot of long lost friends, I got to drink and dance and eat and had a great time.

I guess it's about perspective. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Lisa

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I want to put a different spin on this.

Lets say your friends wife was talking about having a party but said she couldn't afford it. Wouldn't most people as good friends offer to help? I know that I would rather help than my friend not having a party at all. So if you kind of ignore the way she asked and think of it as this, help with the party because you care about your friend.

We can all get fiesty about how people invite but I kind of ignore that and just realize that not everyone was brought up the way I was, not everyone has class oozing from their pores. So I try not to let tackiness affect how I view an event.

I got an invite to a greenback double shower for some friends getting married. It's basically saying come and drink and eat and bring a card with money to help the new couple. Tacky....yup but do I LOVE the couple? Yup. Should I hold them accountable for the party planners tackiness? Nope. I went and I brought a card with the money in it because to me I was glad to do it. I got to have an evening with a lot of long lost friends, I got to drink and dance and eat and had a great time.

I guess it's about perspective. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Lisa

I like your perspective.

 

[deerhart]

That is incredibly tacky, and rude! I stopped going to events that request payment or a gift!

I actually am trying to figure out how to word the invitations for a party to celebrate my DH turning 50 -- I am holding it at a restaurant, and will pay the bill. I want to send invitations, but I'm not sure how to say, "just order, and I'll pay for it!"

What about something along the lines of please bring yourself but leave your purse/wallet at home?

It may just be a generational or even an area thing, but when we have done large group dinners for b-days, the expectations is always that we will pay for our own meal and then split the cost of the birthday person (or maybe it was just us and all our poor friends being right out of college )

 

[branv]

It may just be a generational or even an area thing, but when we have done large group dinners for b-days, the expectations is always that we will pay for our own meal and then split the cost of the birthday person (or maybe it was just us and all our poor friends being right out of college )

I think the difference btwn this situation and another is "getting together" vs. "hosting". For instance, when mine and DH's families get together, we all bring something. The person whose house it is at is not hosting it per se, merely providing a location for everyone to gather. When a good friend/relative is having a birthday, and someone calls you up to say, "Hey, we're all getting together at X restaurant for Bob's birthday; want to come?" that's really not a hosted event. But if someone sends out invites, sets themselves up as hosting a party, it's not good etiquette to expect your guests to fund it (unless, of course, this is tradition among immediate friends and family, in which case it should only apply with those people, since there is a general understanding in place).

OP, I think you are right to be stunned. I would also forego the party and do what you said you'd normally do: treat him and his wife to a birthday dinner to celebrate another day. The good thing is that the latter is more intimate and meaningful than a large party anyway.

 

[MrsPete]

I'm going to add my favorite tacky invite. I was invited to a mail in bridal shower. My husband's youngest brother was getting married and everyone was obviously too busy to throw a shower for the bride so my mother in law had invitiations printed (clearing using the words bridal and shower) and mailed that basically said that there was nobody had time to host a party so please mail shower gifts.

I carried that invite for at least 3 years in my handbag showing it to people (yes, rude on my part) because I couldn't believe it happened.

I did not mail a shower gift.

This gets my vote for tackiest yet. Basically they were saying, "We don't care enough about this girl to clear our schedules for an afternoon -- but we do expect you go buy her something and mail it." That poor girl. She must've felt awful with such a welcome to the family.

Lets say your friends wife was talking about having a party but said she couldn't afford it. Wouldn't most people as good friends offer to help? . . . Should I hold them accountable for the party planners tackiness? Nope.

I can't agree. If a friend of mine wanted to throw a party she couldn't afford, yes I might OFFER to help (they key word being OFFER), but I'd also help her consider ways to cut down the cost: Hold it at a church fellowship hall instead of a restaurant, have the main dishes catered and fill in salads and things herself, etc. A cookout at the park is much less expensive than a restaurant party, and it'd still get everyone together, which was the goal. I would not help her throw a party that was clearly beyond her budget.

Also -- except in the case of surprise birthday parties -- my experience has been that the honoree usually knows about the party and has had some input on the plans.

It may just be a generational or even an area thing, but when we have done large group dinners for b-days, the expectations is always that we will pay for our own meal and then split the cost of the birthday person (or maybe it was just us and all our poor friends being right out of college )

That's what we tend to do when it's a co-worker thing or a Sunday School class thing . . . but when it's family and friends, for us it's always been "whoever invites, provides". Sure, people often say, "What can I bring?", which opens the door for the hostess to say, "How about a dessert? or "We'd love some of that wine we had at your house last month." But unless the guest OFFERS, the hostess shouldn't assume.

 

[barbarabini]

I was just invited to a 2 year olds party who's invite included - guess what- a registry. The only thing, the registry only has items that are 39.99 and over..nothing under. Kind of odd for a two year old party.

In the same vein, I am having a christening party. I wanted to have it out at a restaurant. So, either I invited all 100 of my extended relatives and be indebt up to my eyeballs (NJ catering facilities charge an arm and a leg) or instead, opt for the smaller party for my immediate family. so we are having a small christening dinner of the 35 immediate relatives. I didn't realize that inviting everyone and just telling them that they were responsible for their own dinner was another option.

 

[TxRabbit]

I think the difference btwn this situation and another is "getting together" vs. "hosting". ...if someone sends out invites, sets themselves up as hosting a party, it's not good etiquette to expect your guests to fund it (unless, of course, this is tradition among immediate friends and family, in which case it should only apply with those people, since there is a general understanding in place).

Very well said.

There is a proper way to organize a potluck type party. The OP's invite was not properly done. Social grace is something that is sadly lacking these days. I'm only 38 but I grew up related to two families that excelled in social graces. On the one side was good Texas style hospitality, and on the other was Mid-Western Country Club Society. I had it from the farmer's and from the "Bride's of Month" society, but regardless, there was always good manners.

 

[patsal]

A student who I home instructed through her pregnancy sent me an invite to her baby's first bithday...in it was a little slip of paper with her registry (nothing under $50) and a place to put the amount you would like to donate to her savings account...umm I passed on that one! The kicker, the girl transferred schools and still made it a point to stop in during the school day with baby to hand deliver the invite!

 

[JACKie SPARROW]

I am very happy to hear that many people feel the same way I do. I, too, have become quite offended with all of the gift-giving parties I have been invited to.

Here's a new one that I've encountered recently. In December, A friend of mine (known her for about 2 years through an organization I belong to) invited me to a Christmas party because her husband and kids were gone for the weekend. It was basically a girls night out. I am very involved with my kids and never get invited to parties where I don't have to bring a gift. I was really thrilled she invited me and asked if I could bring something...I was told to bring an appetizer and whatever I want to drink. Hmm...I thought since she was hosting the party, she would provide the beverages...so I spend $30 between the bottle of wine and my home-made appetizer.

When I arrived at her party there was make up and all sorts of body products displayed on the kitchen AND dining room tables. My friend told me she forgot to mention that her other friend (don't know this other friend) was bringing her products.

I was irritated but politely sat through the demonstration and thought...do I buy something or not...but it's rude if I don't... but no one told me about the demonstration ...but I spent $30 on food and drink...I finally came to my senses and told myself that if this other person wanted me to buy something from her cosmetic company, she should have provided the food and drink. I BOUGHT NOTHING

Anyway, some very interesting experiences form others. I just wish people would be more considerate of others before acting selfishly.

 

[dreamin_disney]

tacky and annoying

 

[disneymom2003]

I agree with most here. In our group of friends if there is a get together we usually ask if we can bring a dish or something to drink. Nothing is ever mandatory or expected.

I have been invited to functions where everything on the gift registry was out f my price range. In that case I simply buy a gift card in an amount that I can comfortably afford.

 

[dallastxcpa]

On a side note. I had a coworker who recently got married. Well, the office threw together a last minute luncheon. No problem with that as we are CPAs and have been busy with tax season.

On the email there was no mention of a registry so I asked someone in the office. The reply was well they've had multiple showers so we are just going to give them money for their honeymoon.

I have a problem with that. I like to give people gifts that they will have ten years from now. I know there are things I got when I was married and when I look at them it brings a smile and reminds me of the person who kindly gave me the present.

I made a very small donation and signed the card and plan on buying them some picture frames which are on their registry when they get back. By the way their registry still had tons of items that hadn't been purchased.

 

[deerhart]

I was just invited to a 2 year olds party who's invite included - guess what- a registry. The only thing, the registry only has items that are 39.99 and over..nothing under. Kind of odd for a two year old party.

toysrus, amazon, lots of places now have kids gift registries for b-days, xmas, etc..

We use them to record things the kids have shown an interest in and family members have access to them to get a general idea of what the kids want. It's also helpful so when I have members ask at Thanksgiving what the kids want, I have a steady list of things to give them ideas.

I also always give a wide variety of price ranges (since lots of my family likes to join in on one big gift)

But my grandmother has got it down pat.. she buys all her great grandkids $50 savings bonds for birthday and Christmas presents and then buys a small extra Christmas gift!

 

[MissAndrea]

A coworker and "friend" of mine invited a bunch of us to her and her husbands housewarming party. Not only did they register for gifts (which ALL of us found to be VERY tacky) they mentioned that they would also be accepting Home Depot and Lowes gift cards. I was SO turned off and appalled by the whole ordeal that I didn't give them a gift at all. I didn't even want to go but because I knew they were going to have a very very small turnout, felt bad, so I went. It was probably pretty mean of me not to bring a gift at all, but it was the principle of it all. She expected gifts and money!!!

Ugh.

 

[eliza61]

I want to put a different spin on this.

Lets say your friends wife was talking about having a party but said she couldn't afford it. Wouldn't most people as good friends offer to help? I know that I would rather help than my friend not having a party at all. So if you kind of ignore the way she asked and think of it as this, help with the party because you care about your friend.

We can all get fiesty about how people invite but I kind of ignore that and just realize that not everyone was brought up the way I was, not everyone has class oozing from their pores. So I try not to let tackiness affect how I view an event.



I guess it's about perspective. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Lisa

The problem I guess for me Lisa is that if my friend told me she couldn't afford to do some thing, I would encourage her to do some thing within her budget or encourage her to wait until she could.
If my friend told me they wanted to go to the world but couldn't afford it, I would send them here where they would get tips on saving money.
If she had said she couldn't afford the party for 100 folks, I would have tried to come up with ways to cut cost without asking for guest to pay their own meals.

Not to throw this way out of proportion but at 50, one should be able to handle the fact that maybe your celebration will be low key if money is tight.
I'm thinking if my dh threw a bash for me and I knew our money was spread thin, I'd probably be in the back watering down the wine and beer.