Another Marriage/Infidelity Thread - Sorry!

[leighe]

Last summer I posted a thread called Forgive and Forget? about my best friend and her husband. He'd had an affair after only about 6 months of marriage. I didn't know what kind of advice to give her so I just tried to listen and be there for her. I know if it were me, I'd have left. I don't think I'd ever be able to trust DH again. Well anyway, she stayed and they went to counseling and everything has been better. Now she's found out "new information" about the same affair. So he hasn't done it again, but he apparently didn't tell her everything. Is that making any sense? I really don't know what to tell her.

So, I guess the question is when she decided to try to put it behind her and stay - does that include things that may have happened that she doesn't know about? Is this "new" stuff part of the past too? I'm just trying to listen and not tell her what I would do, but if this had happened to me, DH being COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY honest about the affair would have been the only thing that I would have accepted. It takes a long time to build trust but only a minute to break it and I feel like he's broken that trust twice now. Any opinions? How can I best help her?

 

[calypso*a*go-go]

If she truly loves him, she needs to get over the affair and work things out. If there are any lingering doubts, she needs to make a clean break and get on with her life. Otherwise, she will stay with him and always be afraid there's "something going on" and it will completely change their relationship (in a very negative way) and how they interact with each other. This has to be settled now before there are children to consider as well. Good luck to your friend.

 

[Hillbeans]

I guess it really "depends" on what the new information was.

Was it that it wasn't just a "one time thing" or something along those lines?

I think that new information can definitely make or break this marriage and most definitely change your friends view on her marriage and if she'll forgive/forget or move on.

 

[Kendra17]

Oh, wow. . .an affair is probably the one thing i couldn't get over--even if I decided to TRY to get over it.

I had a boyfriend after high school whose father (both parents were psychiatrists LOL) had an affair years before and my then-boyfriend had a half brother that the family had all had found out about when the half-brother was 4 or 5 (make sense?). Anyways, the parents decided to work through the affair and relationship, and the half-brother was included in family events and such. At that time, the half-brother was 11.

Anyways, I ran into the former boyfriend several years later and his parents had divorced. It turned out that the father had NEVER ended the affair with the other woman. . .never. . .and had lied about it the whole time.

 

[leighe]

Well, the affair was an on-going thing - about six months - but there was a specific number of times that they saw each other during that time period - 4, I think - then there were phone calls, emails, that kind of thing. Well, now it turns out that it was a LOT more. The reason she found out now is because - well, it's this really complicated chain of things and people who know people who know people and on and on. Her DH has confirmed what she found out.

He never really seemed to think that it was that big of a deal. I always felt like he was more annoyed that he had to deal with it than sorry that it ever happened. Like the "I'm sorry I got caught" kind of mentality. He's always been kind of ego driven and flirted with girls all the time (we all went to college together, so I know him almost as well as I know her). He's one of those sportsbar, alpha male, kind of guys but I think he's really very insecure and has to be constantly reaffirmed that he's "cool" - not the best word, but I can't think of another.

I personally think she should go. I just know if it was me I would hate spending my life wondering all the time. However, one of the things that has surprised me the most about being a "grown-up" is how often married people cheat on each other! I can think of sooooo many teachers at my school who have mentioned that they have dealt with their husbands' infidelity. It's like once I got married I joined this special club and now I'm learning all these adult secrets! It kind of freaks me out!

 

[totalia]

Well, I hacve to say first thing that I never would have forgiven him.

For another, if he was going to hide something about the affair, then why did he tell her?

Honestly she didn't need to know it. Things were finally going good between them again and they were recovering. Months after it happened and a great deal of money and time spent on counselling to get their marriage back, and NOW he tells her new information?

It sounds to me like he LIKES to rattle her and is TRYING to cause trouble.

She's better off without him and she needs to leave for her own well being.

 

[poohandwendy]

There are bound to be things that come up that 'rattle' her after an affair. He should have been totally upfront, but in the real world, he probably wanted it to not appear as bad as it was. He could have been shielding both of them from even more hurt (I don't mean in a heroic way, but a fearful 'don't want this to get more ugly' way)

She has to make a decision and stick with it or she will be tormented forever. They should be in ongoing counselling until she feels that the marriage is strong.

It sounds to me like he LIKES to rattle her and is TRYING to cause trouble.

Actually, if I am reading this correctly, he wasn't the one who brought forth new information, it was an outside party.

Is this "new" stuff part of the past too?

No, it is part of what they need to work through now that it is out in the open. It is something he needs to be accountable for, apologize for and reassure her that he loves her and is sorry for hurting her. And then she needs to forgive and get past it. Getting over an affair isn't a one day process, it is an ongoing restrengthening of the marriage. IF they really want to stay together, they will both work hard to make their marriage stronger.

As far as how you should approach this? I would just listen, she needs to figure out what she wants to do on herown. Deciding about leaving or staying in your marriage is a very personal and important decision. And it sounds like she needs and objective and comforting sounding board.

 

[snoopy]

Unless the new information reveals he has some sort of STD, I say she has to move forward.

Easier said than done, but I truly believe in order for a marriage to survive an affair, the past must remain in the past. She could nitpick little details and drive herself and him nuts, or she could choose to never mention it again. I think only the latter would work if she really wants to make her marriage work.

 

[poohandwendy]

I can think of sooooo many teachers at my school who have mentioned that they have dealt with their husbands' infidelity. It's like once I got married I joined this special club and now I'm learning all these adult secrets! It kind of freaks me out!

Don't let it freak you out, but use it as a tool for your life. Know that affairs happen to ordinary people. All that it sometimes takes is a small crack in the relationship that is prodded open further by inappropriate intimacy that starts as something seemingly innocent.

I think it is important for married people not to take for granted that 'it could never happen to them'. It can and it does every day. Keeping your marriage strong and both spouses respecting that there are certain boundaries that should NEVER be crossed (even if they seem harmless) is the best protection, IMO.

 

[Disney01]

I personally don't understand all the debate and discussion about infidelity...He cheated...marriage over, in my opinion. I think women do such a wonderful job of selling themselves short. Why stay with someone who lies, can't keep a vow, and betrays the one person he promises to be true to? If someone does stay, I say counseling is in order for the one staying to find out why they have such low self-esteem and are willing to put up with so much less than what they want. I will never get it. Maybe if women set higher standards, than men would rise to meet them. Why meet someone at a lower level than what you truly want?

 

[Hillbeans]

Originally posted by Disney01
I personally don't understand all the debate and discussion about infidelity...He cheated...marriage over, in my opinion. I think women do such a wonderful job of selling themselves short. Why stay with someone who lies, can't keep a vow, and betrays the one person he promises to be true to? If someone does stay, I say counseling is in order for the one staying to find out why they have such low self-esteem and are willing to put up with so much less than what they want. I will never get it. Maybe if women set higher standards, than men would rise to meet them. Why meet someone at a lower level than what you truly want?

Generally I do not agree with this statement, however I do IN THIS CASE because the people were only married for just a few months.

 

[snoopy]

Originally posted by Disney01
I personally don't understand all the debate and discussion about infidelity...He cheated...marriage over, in my opinion. I think women do such a wonderful job of selling themselves short. Why stay with someone who lies, can't keep a vow, and betrays the one person he promises to be true to? If someone does stay, I say counseling is in order for the one staying to find out why they have such low self-esteem and are willing to put up with so much less than what they want. I will never get it. Maybe if women set higher standards, than men would rise to meet them. Why meet someone at a lower level than what you truly want?

I imagine there are all sorts of reasons women stay with their husbands after an affair, but would guess the number one reason is there are children involved. I would imagine with that sort of investment, women would want to exhaust all possibilities before throwing in the towel. I don't think a woman staying with her husband after an affair makes her weak, in fact, I think just the opposite.

 

[Kallison]

I would kick his "cool" butt out the door.

 

[poohandwendy]

I agree with Snoopy. Also, I think it totally depends on where things stand in your life. Sort of like unintended pregnancy. It is easy to say what you would definitely do, but a whole 'nuther story when you are faced with it. Life is more complicated than the black and white picture that we wish for.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by leighe


So, I guess the question is when she decided to try to put it behind her and stay - does that include things that may have happened that she doesn't know about?

Yes unless it includes as snoopy said a STD or a baby.

 

[leighe]

Nope, no STD's or kids. I kinda think that since she decided to get over it, she needs to get over it. I really do understand that it must be such a hard thing to deal with. This is exactly why I would have left in the first place. It's almost like she's going through it all again. And who's to say something else won't pop up next week or next year?

Anyway, I'm just going to try to listen and be there for her, but it is really hard because I want to yell at her DH!