Another "How would you feel about this?" Question - Parenting

[diskids2]

One of the reasons I love this board is that I can bounce my thoughts and feelings off of many different folks and get a better perspective on things before I act.....So before I go on .................Thanks for that!

Anyway, here's my story......

I arrived home from work yesterday at 3:30 pm to take my DD, 15, to the orthodontist for her first appointment (and that's another tale!!!!!!!! )

During our drive to the doctor, I asked her about her day at theater camp. After getting the usual Fine, Fine, Fine - I asked what time she got home. She said that her Dad picked her up from her friends at 3:10. This surprised me since I thought that her friends Mom was going to pick her up from camp and take her home. So I asked her what happened...

Apparently, her friends Mom asked her nephew, Newly age 18, Sr in highschool, to pick up her daughter (his cousin) and her friend from camp. The camp is about 15 minutes away on local streets. The cousin dropped my DD off at the friends house and DD called her Dad (who happens to be on vacation this week) to pick her up.

I am alittle upset that my daughter got into a car with a new driver without my permission. I thought that DD friends' mom should have called me at work to get permission from me. I also thought that DD should have called me to get permission.

Of course, DD thinks I'm off my rocker....DH thinks I'm overreacting ...(Just to make it clear - my reaction is nothing more than don't you think this should have been handled differently - no crying, screaming, cursing, or drama of any kind).....And I have not said anything to DD friend's Mom either.

I did tell my DD that from now on ..... she is to call me if someone other than the original driver is picking her up or taking her home.


What do you all think?

 

[Cindy's Mom]

I wouldn't be upset w/ DD - I would be FURIOUS w/ friend's mom.

 

[KimR]

I agree with you 100%. We've occasionally asked our nephew (17) to pick up DD and her friend from gymnastic practice and I've always cleared it with the other parent first. As a matter of fact, age of the driver aside, I clear it with the parent if anyone other than DH or I does pickup. I always want to know who is driving DD around.

 

[Maleficent13]

Alot of times if a situation is arranged by a parental figure (even if it's not their own), the kid assumes it must be okay. I would guess your DD thought, well, friend's mom set this up, so it must have parental approval. I might have done the same at that age.

I would have just told DD in the future contact you when there's a change in plans and left it alone.

 

[Kirby]

I don't think that you should be upset with you daughter. I agree with the last post to tell her to contact you in the future if it should happen again and just let it go this time.

But I have a question, if your husband was home, why couldn't he have picked her up?

I also feel that the other mom was inconsiderate in not contacting you unless something had come up and it was a last minute decision where she had no time to do so. She also could have called your husband.

 

[froglady]

As DD and DS are 10 years apart, this was an issue. I did not allow DD drive DS (unless I was in the car) until she was 18. I've very rarely had her drive any of his friends, but when I have, I've always cleared it with the other mom. Even when she's home from college (and 22) I still clear it.

On another note, I was surprised when DS went on a crew day trip, and not one of the parents of the other 12 & 13 year olds checked to see who was driving. Coach asked if I would drive them all, which was my plan, but he didn't know before that morning, and the other parents were gone.

 

[CathrynRose]

What do you all think?

I dont know. I know my 10 y/o son has a lot of friends with much older brothers / sisters ( I guess he has a lot of OOPS friends)

The first time he told me so-and-so's brother took us (wherever) I was ticked. But then I gave the parents some credit.

I doubt they'd let their baby get into the car with a maniac driver. At least I hope not....

I told Danny to let me know who he goes with (he's got a cellphone) but Im pretty much okay with it.

 

[diskids2]

I don't think that you should be upset with you daughter. I agree with the last post to tell her to contact you in the future if it should happen again and just let it go this time.

But I have a question, if your husband was home, why couldn't he have picked her up?

I also feel that the other mom was inconsiderate in not contacting you unless something had come up and it was a last minute decision where she had no time to do so. She also could have called your husband.

Arrangements were made prior to the start of theater camp that DH would bring the girls and Friend's Mom would pick up. As a matter of fact, I offered to have DH do both: pickup and drop off. Friends Mom insisted on picking up because I always bring her daughter to school (every day at 7 am) and she didn't want me doing both ways, since we already drive her DD so much.

I agree.... and my point exactly... I think I or DH should have been called with the change of pickup drivers.

 

[Christine]

I'm in total agreement with you.

I've got two stories (they are about the same mom) and both are conflicting.

My DD is 14 (almost 15). She hangs out with a girl who has a brother (17). My DD's friend's mom has always been very careful about asking me if it was okay if her 17 year old son, drove them up to Taco Bell or anything like that. She always asks my permission.

Yet, on the other hand, she pulled a real bozo move the other day. She had taken DD, her own DD, and another girl to the movies and dropped them off. An agreement was made between my DD and the mom that the mom would bring my DD home (although I was perfectly willing to come get her). Well, I get a call on my cell phone around the time the movie let out. It is my DD asking me if I can come to pick her up from the mall because DD's friend's mom would "rather not deal with bringing her home because she wants to have a family dinner." I was like "okay, I'm close by, I'll be there in 10 minutes." Then DD tells me that the woman is leaving her up there but it was "okay because there was another kid there from school (a boy we've known for years) that would wait with her." There was nothing I could do but haul myself up there. I was just pissed that the mom would leave her there. She did not know the boy that was waiting with my DD--only we do. I would NEVER do that with someone else's kids.

 

[luvflorida]

Well, I get a call on my cell phone around the time the movie let out. It is my DD asking me if I can come to pick her up from the mall because DD's friend's mom would "rather not deal with bringing her home because she wants to have a family dinner."

That is unbelievable! I would be VERY upset with the other mother!

 

[luvflorida]

What do you all think?

I would be upset at my daughter because we have strict rules about getting in the car with teen drivers, but I'd be even more upset at the mother for doing this without my permission.

DD15 is NOT allowed to ride in any car driven by a young friend or young driver. She knows this. Also, I would never allow either of my older two kids to drive any of younger daughter's friends anywhere without the other parents approval, and my two oldest are 25 and almost 22!

In fact, I find myself doing a lot of the driving if my daughter is going somewhere where she needs to be dropped off and picked up. I'm just more comfortable knowing that she is getting to where she needs to be and getting picked up on time. I also don't mind at all transporting her friends.

 

[MAKmom]

Your daughter's in Highschool. I think it was fine what the other Mother did. If its against your rule you DD15 should have called you to see if its ok. I hope she has a cell phone..it makes life so much easier with teenagers.

 

[MAKmom]

I'm in total agreement with you.

I've got two stories (they are about the same mom) and both are conflicting.

My DD is 14 (almost 15). She hangs out with a girl who has a brother (17). My DD's friend's mom has always been very careful about asking me if it was okay if her 17 year old son, drove them up to Taco Bell or anything like that. She always asks my permission.

Yet, on the other hand, she pulled a real bozo move the other day. She had taken DD, her own DD, and another girl to the movies and dropped them off. An agreement was made between my DD and the mom that the mom would bring my DD home (although I was perfectly willing to come get her). Well, I get a call on my cell phone around the time the movie let out. It is my DD asking me if I can come to pick her up from the mall because DD's friend's mom would "rather not deal with bringing her home because she wants to have a family dinner." I was like "okay, I'm close by, I'll be there in 10 minutes." Then DD tells me that the woman is leaving her up there but it was "okay because there was another kid there from school (a boy we've known for years) that would wait with her." There was nothing I could do but haul myself up there. I was just pissed that the mom would leave her there. She did not know the boy that was waiting with my DD--only we do. I would NEVER do that with someone else's kids.

Did you ever talk to the Mom about any of this? This sounds fishy too me.

 

[malibuconlee]

I wouldn't be upset with your DD. I don't think it's that big of a deal. I went to a small school and on the occasion that I needed to walk home I almost always had someone I knew stop ask if I needed a ride when I was her age. There were lots of kids in my grade that had birthdays way before mine and had their license months before me.

I think the important thing is you knew where she was and who she was with and she called when she needed a ride and to let you know that the original plan had changed or not happened.

I totally understand if you're not comfortable with her being in the car with someone you don't know. It's just different times and probably not the smaller community I grew up in.

I can see the concern about the mom not calling to tell you of the change in plans, at which point you could have said nevermind and made different arrangements.

Of course, when I was that age someone who was 18 had probably had their license and been driving for 2 years. Not sure what laws are nowadays especially in different states.

The other mom obviously felt the nephew was responsible eoungh to drive her DD. I'd trust that as well, unless I knew of a reson not to.

Don't sweat the small stuff, believe me, you'll have plenty of bigger stuff in the next couple of years.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Did you ever talk to the Mom about any of this? This sounds fishy too me.

hmmmmm...yes, interesting...

We are also at the age of "driving" rules. Right now we have a rule that dd is not to ride with teenage drivers. She is 14.

In your situation, I would just go through scenarios and set some ground rules since this will come up ALOT in different forms.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

I wouldn't be furious or upset at the mother - I think that's a bit of an overreaction. I think the mother should be given more credit. The way I look at it, if I trusted in this mother enough to pick my dd up from school, camp or wherever, then I should be able to trust her enough to make other arrangements to pick her up should the need arise. After all, this cousin was picking up her dd too, so I don't think she was being careless. However I do agree that I would have wanted to know about the change in plans -and this is where some responsibility rests with your dd. She's 15 - she could have called to let you know that the cousin was picking her and her friend up from camp. I would just tell your dd that you expect a call next time there is a change in the transportation plans, and leave it at that.

 

[Christine]

Did you ever talk to the Mom about any of this? This sounds fishy too me.

Yes, I saw her the other day and she told me "Hi, I'm sorry I didn't bring your DD home, but it was getting so late and your DD told me that you wouldn't mind coming to get her." Yeah, whatever lady, I won't be relying on YOU anymore.

I just let it go because I don't know this woman all that well and didn't feel *right* about reaming her about it. But, I will no longer be accepting rides from this woman--I will always make arrangements to pick my DD up myself.