Annoyed with my ex..Child support related (long)

[CharityLynn]

Ok, so my ex has always been really good with his child support, it was always taken right from his check so we never had any problems. Well last year he lost his job and he still hasn't found another one. (At least not a stable one and it is also paid under the table for the one he does do on occassion) Now he is not a bad guy, really. He takes his son every week and some extra if he can manage (I have to ask he never asks to have him extra)

Anyway being unemployed for over a year means I haven't seen any child support for a long time. This summer he had me brought to court to have his support lowered. Well it was raised lol...they didn't like his reasons. (at the time he didn't have a car but there is bus transportation) At this same meeting he asked if we could just drop what he owed me (around $2000) I declined stating that this money is for our son and he had to do without some things he could ahve used had we been getting the support. He gets upset, slams the door on the way out etc.

This past Sept. he is called to court again, this time because he isn't following a court order (paying his support) now he owes more than $3000. They gave him 2 weeks to come up with $500 or he was going to get a bench warrant. I did call the Friend of the court and let them know that I didn't want him to go to jail, he is a good dad and sees his son regularly. They put me through to our officer in charge of our case, I leave a message to see if we can freeze the account until he gets a job. Of course Dad wants me to have them clear what he owes me.

Well his times come up and he pays them $250 not sure where he got the money, don't ask. They don't put a bench warrant out at the time. I figure because he is making an effort. A couple weeks later he pays them $80. Well today he calls me up ticked off because he now has a bench warrant out for him. He makes me feel like it is my fault and there is something I should do about it. A couple weeks agao I said soemthing along the lines that I would consider dropping what he owed but it would be a one time thing..he got mad at me! Wait here I am trying to do something nice for you and you give me attitude...

So now he wants me to contact Friend of the Court for what..not sure. I don't want to do it i am so annoyed by him and this situation.

Another thing that annoys me about it is the fact that my mom seems to be on his side. Doesn't she realize how my husband and I had to struggle for months to put food on the table and pay bills, buy medication (for my son), pay insurance (since his Dad doesn't supply it which he is required to do), not to mention the school supplies he needs, lunch money, etc.

But I should be such a B**ch....ARG!

Uh thanks for reading my vent...

CharityLynn

 

[Disney Doll]

It is your ex-husband's responsibility to pay child support for his child. If he is not doing this and gets into trouble for it, it is his own fault and no one else's.

 

[livie1205]

we are going through the SAME thing but my ex owes 17,000!! He was held in contempt a month ago and we go back to court next week and if he doesnt come up with something they have all ready ordered a warrant!

 

[kellyg403]

His child support is one of his 'personal' responsibilities. His lack of paying it is his fault and noone else's. He knew he owed a certain amount and chose not to either A) Get a lawyer and get the situation resolved to his liking or B) get a job whether that be at Microsoft or 7-11 to at least pay somethng on his account as the court asked him too.

I would not even feel a bit upset. Your personal responsibility is making sure your son has a clothes, food and shelter. You are providing that. You do not have any reason to be upset. You have satisified the responsibilities YOU were given.

Kelly

 

[Carly_Roach]

Ok, so my ex has always been really good with his child support,

Well last year he lost his job and he still hasn't found another one.

Now he is not a bad guy, really. He takes his son every week and some extra if he can manage

Being unemployed for over a year means I haven't seen any child support for a long time.

I understand your frustration and need to vent. By all means, get it off your chest.

But realize this: all you're really doing is condemning the man to having a prison record where it'll be difficult, if not impossible, to get a job in this economy. You will never get your money. You're merely punishing someone for leaving you, even after you've remarried and can obviously provide support for your child regardless of whether he pays you the child support or not.

You ask why doesn't your mother realize how you and your current husband had to struggle for months to put food on the table and pay bills, buy medication, etc. It's clear that your struggle is now behind you while your ex's struggle has been happening for over a year. And now you're going to make that struggle even harder, clearly indicating that you've learned nothing from your own struggle except how to get even with someone you think had some kind of a hand in your own struggle.

As I said before, vent all you want. The only lives you are impacting now are your ex's, your son's (when the ex decides not to see him anymore because of what you are doing to him), and, eventually, your current husband who sees how easy it is for you to crush someone you once said you loved under your heel.

 

[BLTtinkerbell]

You did nothing wrong. He needs to find a way to get the money he needs to support his child. Can he collect unemployment? Good luck.

 

[kellyg403]

I understand your frustration and need to vent. By all means, get it off your chest.

But realize this: all you're really doing is condemning the man to having a prison record where it'll be difficult, if not impossible, to get a job in this economy. You will never get your money. You're merely punishing someone for leaving you, even after you've remarried and can obviously provide support for your child regardless of whether he pays you the child support or not.

You ask why doesn't your mother realize how you and your current husband had to struggle for months to put food on the table and pay bills, buy medication, etc. It's clear that your struggle is now behind you while your ex's struggle has been happening for over a year. And now you're going to make that struggle even harder, clearly indicating that you've learned nothing from your own struggle except how to get even with someone you think had some kind of a hand in your own struggle.

As I said before, vent all you want. The only lives you are impacting now are your ex's, your son's (when the ex decides not to see him anymore because of what you are doing to him), and, eventually, your current husband who sees how easy it is for you to crush someone you once said you loved under your heel.

ok...wow...she has impacted noone's lives. Her ex has. If he chooses not to see their son on the excuse that he has to get a job that is HIS problem.

Yes, we should learn lessons from our hard times and struggles. But, guess what her ex now needs to learn his. THE JUDGE has made this decision not the mom. SHE has NOTHING to do with this situation. Dad made it all on his own.

Kelly

 

[Carly_Roach]

You did nothing wrong. He needs to find a way to get the money he needs to support his child. Can he collect unemployment? Good luck.

Not while he's in jail he can't. And unemployment isn't going to cover the $3,000 in back child support.

You can't get blood out of a turnip. If the man doesn't have a car, can only pay $250.00 on a $500.00 payment, and doesn't have a job, baying for his blood isn't going to magically produce money for the mother.

 

[EthansMom]

Not while he's in jail he can't. And unemployment isn't going to cover the $3,000 in back child support.

You can't get blood out of a turnip. If the man doesn't have a car, can only pay $250.00 on a $500.00 payment, and doesn't have a job, baying for his blood isn't going to magically produce money for the mother.

Child support isn't money for the mother. It's money to help house and feed the child.

I understand that many people are struggling financially right now.

However, whether this man can't or won't get a job, he still has a legal responsibility to help support his child. And it is his responsibility, not the OP's, to work out something with the court system to avoid jail.

The court system doesn't want the man in jail (using taxpayer dollars to house and feed him) anymore than he wants to be there. I'm fairly certain that if the man was making ANY effort to make SOME payment, the courts would be lenient. However, he is able to feed and clothe himself but not put even $20 towards his child's expenses?

I don't blame the courts for putting out a bench warrant on him. I'd bet dollars to donuts that he manages to come up with some money if it means that or go to jail.

to the OP.

 

[Carly_Roach]

ok...wow...she has impacted noone's lives. Her ex has. If he chooses not to see their son on the excuse that he has to get a job that is HIS problem.

Yes, we should learn lessons from our hard times and struggles. But, guess what her ex now needs to learn his. THE JUDGE has made this decision not the mom. SHE has NOTHING to do with this situation. Dad made it all on his own.

Kelly

Wrong. She has everything to do with this situation. He asked her to drop the $2,000 and $3,000 back child support because of difficult financial times. She refused. He asked for some leeway because he didn't have a job or a car, the OP gave us a LOL when telling us about how the judge refused him.

We haven't heard if he's got anyone helping him, but we sure know that she's got someone helping her. And now she wants to be reassured that she shouldn't feel guilty about having her ex arrested for back child-support, that he doesn't have the money for or even a job to earn the money for, while she, her husband and her child celebrate the holidays.

While I'm sure there will be plenty of ex-wives on this board willing to give the OP the validation she seeks, I will have to be a dissenter. I've seen too many good men's lives utterly and completely destroyed because they made the mistake of choosing the wrong girl to marry the first time around and I've seen, firsthand, how vindictive and bitter that scorned woman can be when it comes to making sure the man who left her pays and pays and pays until he dies.

 

[GoodFairies]

Wrong. She has everything to do with this situation. He asked her to drop the $2,000 and $3,000 back child support because of difficult financial times. She refused. He asked for some leeway because he didn't have a job or a car, the OP gave us a LOL when telling us about how the judge refused him.

We haven't heard if he's got anyone helping him, but we sure know that she's got someone helping her. And now she wants to be reassured that she shouldn't feel guilty about having her ex arrested for back child-support, that he doesn't have the money for or even a job to earn the money for, while she, her husband and her child celebrate the holidays.

While I'm sure there will be plenty of ex-wives on this board willing to give the OP the validation she seeks, I will have to be a dissenter. I've seen too many good men's lives utterly and completely destroyed because they made the mistake of choosing the wrong girl to marry the first time around and I've seen, firsthand, how vindictive and bitter that scorned woman can be when it comes to making sure the man who left her pays and pays and pays until he dies.

Not while he's in jail he can't. And unemployment isn't going to cover the $3,000 in back child support.

You can't get blood out of a turnip. If the man doesn't have a car, can only pay $250.00 on a $500.00 payment, and doesn't have a job, baying for his blood isn't going to magically produce money for the mother.

I have to agree with Carly here. I can't believe you allowed the child support to be raised (yes you have a say in this) when he hasn't been able to pay the lowered amount. Do you think the money will just magically appear?
It is an unfortunate situation all around but the big issue I have here is if he isn't a bad guy and sees his son on a regular basis do you really want to take that away? Think of your son, not just how mad you are at his dad.

The things you are struggling to pay for your son are all things that everyone needs to pay for. If you are struggling while you are remarried imagine what it must be like for a single person who is unemployed. Maybe I'm just a softie at this time of the year but I can't imagine actively going after someone who seems like they are trying the best they can and just not getting any breaks. We are not talking about some guy who doesn't care about his kid here.

 

[Carly_Roach]

However, whether this man can't or won't get a job, he still has a legal responsibility to help support his child. And it is his responsibility, not the OP's, to work out something with the court system to avoid jail.

Quote responsibility all you want. If there's no money, there's no money. If there are no jobs, then I'm sure that jail time will really help him get one at the car wash or 7/11 - especially in this economy where college educated people are taking those jobs just to put food on the table.

What the end result will be is that the OP and her current husband will be providing for the child and the ex-husband will go to jail. Good luck getting money out of him after that - even if he DOES get work.

Personally, with the overcrowding and early release situation that's putting murderers and thieves back on the streets, I'd prefer the jails be filled with criminals instead of fathers who got put there because they couldn't find a job in this economy and got behind on child support.

But that's just me. YMMV.

 

[EthansMom]

Wrong. She has everything to do with this situation. He asked her to drop the $2,000 and $3,000 back child support because of difficult financial times. She refused. He asked for some leeway because he didn't have a job or a car, the OP gave us a LOL when telling us about how the judge refused him.

Personally, I don't think courts should let one parent forgive child support owed by another parent since it isn't a debt owed to the custodial parent but to the minor child.

And I'm not a divorcee. Although my parents are divorced, my father always paid his support in a timely fashion. My opinions aren't colored by my past but are built on the belief that we all need to own up to our responsibilities.

In the OP's case, the ex is apparently an able-bodied, healthy man who has proven capable of taking care of his own needs. I can understand that he may not be able to pay the full amount of his child support. But some small good faith effort would go a long ways to showing his commitment to his responsibilities regarding his child.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Ok, so my ex has always been really good with his child support, it was always taken right from his check so we never had any problems. Well last year he lost his job and he still hasn't found another one. (At least not a stable one and it is also paid under the table for the one he does do on occassion) Now he is not a bad guy, really. He takes his son every week and some extra if he can manage (I have to ask he never asks to have him extra)

Anyway being unemployed for over a year means I haven't seen any child support for a long time. This summer he had me brought to court to have his support lowered. Well it was raised lol...they didn't like his reasons. (at the time he didn't have a car but there is bus transportation) At this same meeting he asked if we could just drop what he owed me (around $2000) I declined stating that this money is for our son and he had to do without some things he could ahve used had we been getting the support. He gets upset, slams the door on the way out etc.

This past Sept. he is called to court again, this time because he isn't following a court order (paying his support) now he owes more than $3000. They gave him 2 weeks to come up with $500 or he was going to get a bench warrant. I did call the Friend of the court and let them know that I didn't want him to go to jail, he is a good dad and sees his son regularly. They put me through to our officer in charge of our case, I leave a message to see if we can freeze the account until he gets a job. Of course Dad wants me to have them clear what he owes me.

Well his times come up and he pays them $250 not sure where he got the money, don't ask. They don't put a bench warrant out at the time. I figure because he is making an effort. A couple weeks later he pays them $80. Well today he calls me up ticked off because he now has a bench warrant out for him. He makes me feel like it is my fault and there is something I should do about it. A couple weeks agao I said soemthing along the lines that I would consider dropping what he owed but it would be a one time thing..he got mad at me! Wait here I am trying to do something nice for you and you give me attitude...

So now he wants me to contact Friend of the Court for what..not sure. I don't want to do it i am so annoyed by him and this situation.

Another thing that annoys me about it is the fact that my mom seems to be on his side. Doesn't she realize how my husband and I had to struggle for months to put food on the table and pay bills, buy medication (for my son), pay insurance (since his Dad doesn't supply it which he is required to do), not to mention the school supplies he needs, lunch money, etc.

But I should be such a B**ch....ARG!

Uh thanks for reading my vent...

CharityLynn

Oops. Forgot the first post rule.

 

[disney1990]

Not while he's in jail he can't. And unemployment isn't going to cover the $3,000 in back child support.

You can't get blood out of a turnip. If the man doesn't have a car, can only pay $250.00 on a $500.00 payment, and doesn't have a job, baying for his blood isn't going to magically produce money for the mother.

I absolutely agree with Carly. Having personally been out of work for 9 months now, I know how bad the employment situation is out there. You first praise your ex for everything he has done and then you beat him down because he has run into hard times.

As a former single Mom, I can understand you needing the money, so did I. But the relationship between my child, my ex and myself was worth more than all the money in the world. My DD is now grown, but the 3 of us can spend time together at social occasions because I chose to not come down on him when times were tough.

I would feel blessed to know that my ex was doing everything that he could and that he is a good father to my child.

 

[Carly_Roach]

In the OP's case, the ex is apparently an able-bodied, healthy man who has proven capable of taking care of his own needs. I can understand that he may not be able to pay the full amount of his child support. But some small good faith effort would go a long ways to showing his commitment to his responsibilities regarding his child.

Technically, you're right. But these are different times. Michigan has been in a one-state Depression for the past five years and times are getting worse. Our recorded unemployment is hovering at 15% and when you count those who've fallen off the roles and those who are taking minimum-wage, part-time service jobs to keep a roof over their heads, the unemployment rate is more like 20-25%.

That $250.00 that people are sneezing at was very likely either part of a rent payment or he may have had to sell or hock his TV or some other item to come up with it. Unemployment checks top out at $600.00 bi-weekly or $1200 a month for people who made more than $35,000 or $40,000 per year before they were unemployed. Most bring home less in unemployment checks, and that's BEFORE taxes.

So consider trying to pay rent, gas, utilities, food, clothing and shelter on $1,200 a month (at best) AND $500.00 in child support per month. It can't be done. If he's been unemployed for over a year (absolutely possible in Michigan at this time), then chances are his unemployment has run out. Hopefully he can get a 20 week extension, but that's not always possible.

Without a job, we're talking welfare now. And if he's in jail, then he's going to be on the streets and homeless when he gets out.

So here's the ex screaming for her $3 grand for a child who's being taken care of by another man who makes so much money that the ex can afford to stay home and take care of their child. If it were me, I'd be angry and slam a door or two myself.

 

[minkydog]

I agree, the ex needs to find a way to come up with the child support. What would he do if HE were the custodial parent and out of a job? Would he not move heaven and earth to provide food, clothing and shelter or would he be content to let his son go hungry and homeless?

Mom, I wouldn't forgive the past child support either. Postpone it maybe, but I wouldn't freeze or forgive the debt. This is money he owes for the support of his child, the child HE helped make.

ETA: My father never paid a dime in child support. He actually left the country to avoid paying. He was making over $100,000/year working in Saudi Arabia during the big oil boom in the 70s. My mother worked 28 days/month as an LPN breaking her back to keep us together under one decrepit room. No savings, broken down car. We kids paid our way through college, paid for our weddings, paid for our clothes, and gave mom money as we could. My father provided NOTHING.Unfortunately, back then the courts didn't do much to help her. She tried to have him jailed--the sheriff called him up and told him to make himself scarce. Mother finally got tired of fighting. It was costing her a fortune in court costs and attorney's fees. Dad went to his grave owing her more than $50,000. Of course, he also went to his grave knowing that none of his 5 children cared about him and he died an excrutiatingly painful death from lung cancer. Only two of us even came to see him. Served him right.

 

[kellyg403]

While I understand the concept of what you are saying about not paying if he is in jail etc etc. I understood the initial vent in the post had very little to do with the mom feeling anything but guilty because dad has decided she is the reason for the bench warrant. The OP has even said she has gone several months without support and even has gone to the court and suggested they help keep him out of jail so that he can continue to be a father. I firmly believe that the OP has done everything in HER power to help him NOT get into this situation.

The whole vent clearly was about who is responsible for dad and his situation and I stand by the fact it is DAD who is totally and 100% responsible for his situation. The judge, the court and the legal system have given him a break. Several times. The money is due HIS child, not the mother.

This has nothing to do with the 'bitter' ex-wife, proving she can bleed her ex dry out of bitterness and revenge. She, too, is probably wishing she had choosen better the first time. And probably there are alot of good women raising kids without a dime whose whole lives are destroyed. Its not a deadbeat dad.

Bottom line..we can say what we want. THE JUDGE and the court made this decision, not the OP. SHE did all that she could do for her ex. HE chose to go to court and take his chances on getting support lowered. The JUDGE and the COURT decided he had the means to not only pay COURT ORDERED child support but more. What has that got to do with the OP? He made an effort a few times, the COURT said it was not enough, not the OP. We are assuming that the OP in some dastardly fashion is to blame. Being divorced or not has nothing to do with it. The legal system has its own criteria to follow that has nothing to do with what we emotionally or personally like to do in certain situations. Making emotional statements is not making the COURT ORDERED support with the consequences of jail go away.

Kelly

 

[EthansMom]

While I understand the concept of what you are saying about not paying if he is in jail etc etc. I understood the initial vent in the post had very little to do with the mom feeling anything but guilty because dad has decided she is the reason for the bench warrant. The OP has even said she has gone several months without support and even has gone to the court and suggested they help keep him out of jail so that he can continue to be a father. I firmly believe that the OP has done everything in HER power to help him NOT get into this situation.

The whole vent clearly was about who is responsible for dad and his situation and I stand by the fact it is DAD who is totally and 100% responsible for his situation. The judge, the court and the legal system have given him a break. Several times. The money is due HIS child, not the mother.

This has nothing to do with the 'bitter' ex-wife, proving she can bleed her ex dry out of bitterness and revenge. She, too, is probably wishing she had choosen better the first time. And probably there are alot of good women raising kids without a dime whose whole lives are destroyed. Its not a deadbeat dad.

Bottom line..we can say what we want. THE JUDGE and the court made this decision, not the OP. SHE did all that she could do for her ex. HE chose to go to court and take his chances on getting support lowered. The JUDGE and the COURT decided he had the means to not only pay COURT ORDERED child support but more. What has that got to do with the OP? He made an effort a few times, the COURT said it was not enough, not the OP. We are assuming that the OP in some dastardly fashion is to blame. Being divorced or not has nothing to do with it. The legal system has its own criteria to follow that has nothing to do with what we emotionally or personally like to do in certain situations. Making emotional statements is not making the COURT ORDERED support with the consequences of jail go away.

Kelly

I completely agree with this!

I think the OP's vent is due to the fact that her ex is blaming her for his situation and now wants HER to call the court to clean up his issues. The ex is an adult and should call up the court to handle his own issues.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I firmly believe that the OP has done everything in HER power to help him NOT get into this situation.

The whole vent clearly was about who is responsible for dad and his situation and I stand by the fact it is DAD who is totally and 100% responsible for his situation. The judge, the court and the legal system have given him a break. Several times. The money is due HIS child, not the mother.

Bottom line..we can say what we want. THE JUDGE and the court made this decision, not the OP. SHE did all that she could do for her ex. HE chose to go to court and take his chances on getting support lowered. The JUDGE and the COURT decided he had the means to not only pay COURT ORDERED child support but more. What has that got to do with the OP? He made an effort a few times, the COURT said it was not enough, not the OP. We are assuming that the OP in some dastardly fashion is to blame. Being divorced or not has nothing to do with it. The legal system has its own criteria to follow that has nothing to do with what we emotionally or personally like to do in certain situations. Making emotional statements is not making the COURT ORDERED support with the consequences of jail go away.

Kelly

You are entitled to your opinions. But you are absolutely wrong about how the ex-wife has nothing to say about how the court makes the decisions and how it's all the court's fault. That's just one way of laying the blame off on someone else.

The OP is upset because she feels guilty and is venting because her mother isn't helping her not feel guilty. In this particular case, given the details the OP's given us about the man (he's a good father, sees his kid as much as possible, dispite the economic hardship), there's a good reason she feels guilty about what she's done (or not done) to help the situation.

Right now, it looks to me as though the OP just wants money. Money, money, money. Merry Christmas. Sorry you couldn't make that annual trip to WDW this year. Hope you get your money.