Amy's Journal: Comments Welcome!

[postesf]

Hi Amy! Great job on resisiting the carrot cake! Great victory for you!!! Sorry for all the stresses right now!

Hope things improve soon!!!
Stacie

 

[MIdanceMom]

Amy,

I think you were wise to hold off on rejoining WW. You did a fantastic job resisting the carrot cake. Major victory there.

I figure tomorrow may be tough for you. Lots of family dynamics going on, and stress of making dinner. You can do this. Take it an hour or minute at a time.


Beth

 

[traceycooper]

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving Amy

 

[toystoryduo]

Hope you had a nice Thanksgiving, Amy. Have a great weekend!

 

[MIdanceMom]

Hey woman,

I'm just checking on you. I hope that you had a nice Thanksgiving and long weekend. Let us know how you're doing.

Take care,
Beth

 

[postesf]

Hi Amy! Just checking in! Hope you are well!!

Stacie

 

[Amy&Dan]

Hello everyone, I am sorry I have been such a lousy WISHER lately. I just keep thinking I'll get on the computer and then something comes up. My mom is worse, we are going to the doctor on Thursday. She told me on Friday she just wants to be finished, can't take it anymore. I think that trip to Chicago was a huge mistake. I never should have let her go, she was already slipping. The doctor may have some suggestions, who knows. One thing is for sure, things have changed and they aren't going back to the way they were. Thanksgiving was nice, my sister and nephew got along great, no tiffs between them which was nice. My mom didn't enjoy the day and was ready to go home before we ever ate, I kept putting her off and finally halfway through dessert I gave up, dh and I took them home. And sister and nephew cleaned up the kitchen which was so nice. I learned that day that my mom can no longer do anything longer than about an hour or two get together. So I'll have to adjust how we normally do Christmas and sort of condense things. I can really see her just hanging on for Christmas and then being done. I am not sure I can go off and leave them to spend MLK weekend in DL but the trip is bought and its a short one so who knows. Maybe I'll figure that one out tomorrow! I cannot believe how quickly my mom slipped this time, normally its more gradual, this has been a tough month. It hurts to see her take absolutely no pleasure or interest in anything. Its certainly not a way to live for her or stepdad, I feel so sorry for them both.

I haven't been too good with food or exercise but I am doing the best I can. I made cookies today and stuck them in the freezer and didn't eat a single one. At least I got one batch of something made for Christmas, if I get more done thats great, if not that's a few less calories to burn in the New Year!

Thanks so much for your continued support and sticking with my journal. I will try to get caught up with you all today or tomorrow. I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving and thanks again.

 

[toystoryduo]

Oh Amy,

Sweetie, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Maybe when she goes to the doctor, the doctor can offer some suggestions on how to help her. I know how difficult this must be for you. If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know.

In the meantime, please be sure and take extra special, good care of you. Do the best you can each day and take everything in baby steps.

Sending our love and prayers from Ohio.....

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thanks Tracy, your love and prayers from Ohio mean so much.

Yesterday:
Had dinner with a friend I had not seen in two years. I saw her right before I joined Weight Watchers. So I was around 20-25 pounds heavier last time she saw me. I had a hopeful vision of "you've lost weight". No such luck. Of course when you have 100 pouds to lose, 20 pounds give or take ain't gonna make much difference. I ate too much, had two beers, complained about my life, listened to her complain about hers (she has lost her Mother in the last three years and her boyfriend just broke up with her) and we had a nice evening. It was good to get out. And nice to see her, we talk on the phone and email but live acress town from each other. Another resolution to attempt to keep: see my friend "Amy" more than every two years. I am so disconnected from my friends, I just need to make the effort plain and simple to get out and socialize on my own occasionally.

Today:
Spent the day doing not a damn thing. I was so depressed, I got some stuff done around the house but watched two hours of tv and ate this and that. I am gearing myself up for the doctor tomorrow. I will be taking my medical power of attorney form that my mother signed three years ago. Last time I didn't have it and the doctor basically told me to mind my own business. I dare this quack to tell me that this time. She should watch it, I scare myself lately, I can totally see slapping her silly if she tells me to back off again. This was the doctor who claimed she loves my mother as much as we all do so just trust her and don't ask too many questions. Yeah right. Stepdad says he hopes I let her have it. Mr. Passive Agressive, always content to let me do the dirty work!

Today would have been a good day to work out, but alas, I could not be bothered. Eating Cheese Its was more important apparently since that's what I did. I am thoroughly disgusted with all areas of my life. My brother is always telling me how great his wife is doing on her WW plan. I am so happy for her but feel so jealous and sad. And I hate myself for feeling that way but when he called today, I just didn't answer. He can't help me and I can't listen to him talk about his wife's weight loss success. Last weekend they went to his mil's and they had thier usual great time. And sil's grandmother is alive, well and still driving, living alone and taking care of herself fabulously at age 96. He told me about their weekend and I was so jealous and angry that he gets to do that while I sit out here watching our mother die a slow death I listened but I wept while he talked. I am so mean lately, I begrudge my own brother and his family their good fortune. I don't know what is wrong with me, I used to be happy for other people now I just want to barf when I hear about this kind of stuff. And he certainly is in pain too regarding my mother and I know that but I just felt the way I did and it wasn't pretty.

I am also very discouraged regarding my career (the lack of one that is). I hate doing this daycare thing. Not that I don't literally love to death my little daycare boy, he's a sweetheart, his parents are wonderful, but I am sad that at 43 my options for employment are babysitting and retail, minimum wage type jobs. Not having worked at much of anything in 14 years has not done much for my resume. I'm not making enough babysitting one kid to make a dent in the money thing. So I'll probably bag this at the end of the year, then maybe get a job 2-3 days a week at the local mall next year. At least I'll be out amongst the living I guess.

And last but not least, I have decided to no longer bore all of you with my pathetic life! My mother always used to say "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". I have nothing nice to say currently about my life. WISH is about being inspired to stay healthy, apparently I cannot be bother to be inspired and I cannot imagine that I inspire any of you with my journal. I see other people losing weight and that should inspire me but all I can do is be happy for them and keeping feeding my face. So I think I'll keep up with all of you, and leave my own journal alone for awhile. Writing my thoughts down only depresses me anyway. And you ladies must be so sick of reading this sad tale! I do thank you so much for all your prayers, support and sticking with me. I will keep up with you, because reading about all of you makes me feel connected to my WISH friends and the outside world. I am hoping to restart my life in January and may even join WW again and try Core. As Lovinaz said, it may jumpstart me to try something new in a familar setting. Until then, I don't see how writing such negative entries does any of us any good. So thanks again, I'll see you on your journals I promise! And hopefully start my own back up in January. Until then I think I'll give this tired old sob story a much needed rest!

 

[toystoryduo]

Amy (I've surrounded you with hugs! )

I'm sending you a PM.........

 

[traceycooper]

Oh Amy,
You've made me cry!!!
I'm so sorry for what your going through
Journals are not just for the good stuff its for getting the bad stuff off your chest too, things WILL get better for you, in the mean time try to ride it through,
its totally understandable to be feeling how your feeling right now please dont feel guilty, i wish i could come over & give you a big hug & share a bottle of wine with you
feel free to pm me & have a good moan & get stuff off your chest
How did it go at the Dr?
pm'ed you too

 

[lovinaz]

Oh, Amy

We've all been there, so far down in the dumps that you don't know how you'll ever get out. But today is a different day that can bring a whole new outlook on life! You have been through SO MUCH this past year. Don't fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others because everyone's situation is different. A lot of people in your situation would have cracked a long time ago - I know I would have!

It seems that all your accumulated stress has come to a head and finally erupted. Add the extra stress of the holidays and it just gets worse. But you can get through this, I know you can! And if you need to take a break from journalling, do it. Do whatever you need to in order to get back to feeling better about things. I hate to sound cliche, but this too shall pass...

I can always send Buckley out to cheer you up. Or eat your Christmas decorations, take your pick!

Hang in there Amy! We'll be here for you no matter what you decide to do!

 

[postesf]

Oh, Amy!!! So sorry for the way you are feeling! Do whatever it is you think you need to do. We are here for you!

Big hugs!!!

Stacie

 

[toystoryduo]

Hey girl,

We're leaving for WDW in a couple of hours....I just wanted to let you know that I'll be thinking of you (especially in Epcot! ) and praying for you and your family while we're gone. Please be sure and take extra special, good care of you. See ya real soon!

 

[goldcupmom]

Hang in there, Amy!! WISH is a VERY therapeutic place...don't run away!!!!

Sorry for all you're going thru, but it will get better, eventually!

Praying for you & your family!

 

[MIdanceMom]

AMy,

We're here for you any time you are ready.

Love,
Beth

 

[Amy&Dan]

Hello Wish Friends:

I want to thank so many of you for your pm's and emails, they have really helped me through the last week.

So my current update is that my mother's cancer is back. I didn't want to post this before, she didn't know (doctor took me and stepdad aside last Thursday) the full extent and it didn't seem right to post on a public forum about something she herself didn't know about. We took her in for a pet scan last Friday and went in yesterday for the results. Based on blood work and symptoms the doctor knew it was not good and it was actually worse than she had thought. Basically its in her liver, lung, breast (again) and bones. She was given the not so great choice of being dead in a matter of a few months or taking chemo. Stepdad and I had very mixed feelings, given what she has been through for six years now with the cancer and her Alzheimers we were (and still aren't) sure what type of life we are trying to save. But my Mother isn't ready to die yet and wants to try chemo. Although she isn't exactly feeling very positive and sure she has made the right choice. But we can always stop treatment if its not working or becomes too much. Definitely the worse position I have been in, as her medical power of attorney I could have just made the decision for her but when it came down to it, I simply went with what she said at the time. She starts chemo on Friday. I have decided that Monday, Wednesday and Friday (chemo day for the next 12-24 weeks) I will be with her. Then on the weekends we can be around as she needsd and desires. That gives me Tuesday and Thursday to live and manage the rest of my life. Dh will adjust his work schedule to pick up the kids on Friday afternoons since I will be tied up at the oncologist. Hopefully we can transition into this without too much trouble. I really appreciate your prayers and good thoughts, this is going to be a long road ahead and I am not even sure there is anything positive to be had for all that we will (my mom in particular of course) will go through. I would give anything if she didn't have to go through this but we don't always get to pick and choose, so we will just deal with it and take it one day at a time.

And for some dumb reason I have decided now is as good a time as any to recommit to getting my own self healthy. Seeing my mom in this state reminds me how precious good health is. So I am doing Weight Watchers again, I haven't rejoined yet but did begin points today, Wednesday has always been my day. I didn't weigh, I may do that next week. Given my food of the last week I doubt that scale has anything pleasant to tell me!

I did manage to get my workout clothes on today to go to Curves but stepdad didnt' get home in time so I didn't get to Curves in time. They are open each day until 7:00, it maybe a better idea to go after daycare kid leaves.

I have also dug out my hypnosis cd's. I don't really find myself hypnotized but rather more of a private little in home pep talk/counseling session/motivational session type thing. They worked very well for me awhile back. But of course as soon as they did, I thought, oh I don't need to listen and well, you get the idea.

Not sure how well I can do given this latest deal, but this isn't going away anytime soon and I feel the need to at least try. Less than three weeks before Christmas and just past my mother's very grim diagnosis, but when is a good time?

Food today:
Breakfast: cereal w/ milk: 5
Snack: nuts: 4
Lunch: Burrito: 8
Snack: chocolate chip cookies (this was the kink in the system today, I baked cookies for the kids' church Christmas party and ate two, major bummer but two is better than four I guess) 8
Dinner: Rumbi Grill Salad: 12
Water: 80 oz., two ice teas, one diet coke
Total points: 37
Flex Points used: 9

Curves tomorrow if I can make it happen. They probably think I got run over by a truck at that place since they haven't seen me in so long.

I am really wiped out tonight, so I think I'll catch up with all of you tomorrow, thank you for reading and sticking with me. I am going to try to get things off my chest but not be so negative. I need to find the good in my life, I have spent so many years letting this stuff with my mom rule my life and its not fair to my husband and children. So bear with me as I try to adjust my attitude while still being honest about how I feel and getting it all out and into my journal!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Hello friends,

I cannot believe that Christmas is now less than three weeks away ! Today was supposed to be a day I got a ton of stuff done, but alas it didn't turn out that way. I spent quite a lot of time on the phone with friends and family. All the people I have called and emailed to give them the latest called today. I have major sore phone ear. And I am sick of talking. The general consensus is that we are crazy to let my mom be doing chemo. I am really regretting this decision, although I didn't make it. I just have to pray that God will watch over my mom and all of us and lead us into something one heck of a lot better than what it is now. We start chemo tomorrow at 11:30, I still have my doubts she's even strong enough to withstand the treatments.

I didn't go to my mom's today. I sort of wanted to but know that I need at least two days a week to be at home. So I talked to them on the phone a few times but didn't go over. Food was okay:
Breakfast: Oatmeal w/ skim and walnuts: 5
Lunch: Lean Cuisine: 4, parmesan cheese, 2
Snack: Cheese and Crackers, biscuit : 10
Dinner: Chicken Thigh, 4, veggies/potatoes, 2
Total: 27
Flex Points used: 1

That snack this afternoon sort of killed me. But I can handle only using one flex point. I did make it to Curves tonight. I really, really, really, didn't want to go. But I did. As soon as daycare kid left, I stuck dinner in the oven, told the kids to do their homework and that I would be back in an hour. Dh was on his way home so they were only alone for about 15 minutes. Came home, ate, talked to yet another concerned friend of my mom's and then got to journals. I need to clean my room (that sounds like I am a teenager), its a pig sty.

As to Christmas, here is what I HAVE done:
All presents, bought and wrapped
Decorating done

Here is what I have left to do:
Bake cookies,
Get basement cleaned and all the bedding for two beds washed. This is an all day job. Dh's family arrives the 23rd, and their sleeping quarters currently look like a bomb went off in them. Sheets on bed are the ones brother and sil slept on in August. So that needs to be done big time.
Get some soups and casseroles in the freezer to eat with dh's family when they are here.
Christmas cards
Put together photo album I am making for dh's aunt's birthday
Clean my house and get organized for company.

If I could get all of that done by say the 20th, I would be quite happy. Of course today would have been a good day to get a start but no such luck. Oh well, who cares, it'll get done, it always does. And if doesn't, that's not the worst thing in the world. Dominoes delivers last I heard. As long as I get our guest room/basement cleaned up the rest isn't that important.

Thanks for reading. In all this was the most successful day I have had on program in a long time. Stayed basically within points and made it to the gym. I feel pretty good in spite of everything. So I am giving this day an A!

 

[karynnix]

I've been catching up with the last 10 or so pages of your journal. You have certainly been through it lately! You are so not alone and you can pout all you want. It's YOUR journal and if it helps you, then sob away! Christmas is such a hectic time, and I'm so glad to see that you are starting to take care of YOU. Your eating style looks a lot like mine. It's hard to resist temptation, and I usually give in. NO MORE!! Weight Watchers is the only program that I have ever done that actually works. You can do it too! Take care of you.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Thank you Karyn for the support!

So the weekend flew by, I ate terribly. Friday was spent at the doctors most of the day with my mom for her first chemo appointment. I must say it was depressing. There were around 6 other patients in there too, one of whom was very sick, she looked liked death. It wasn't exactly a cheerful place to be. My mom was extremely confused, upset, wishy washy about taking it but she did it. I still have no idea if this is the right choice, but its the one we all made so we will stick with it until she decides otherwise. Food on Friday: Tuna melt, chips, pizza, salad, pasta. Had the tuna melt at the hospital, and the rest at CiCi's Pizza which is all you can eat. Total disaster.

Saturday, cooked food for my parents all day, baked some cookies for a party we had that night, went to church, then went to party. It was my Alzheimers Support Group party. It was a lot of fun, they are such a great group of people. One of the other ladies in there also has a mother who has Alz., and now cancer. They have opted not to treat it and of course that once again made me second guess our decision. Food: McDonald's for lunch, cheese and crackers, sausage, chips, veggies, dip, cookies at the party. Total disaster.

Sunday: All Bran w/ walnuts for breakfast, then went to Colorado Springs to be with my sister. Took her out for Mexican food and had: 2.5 enchiladas, chips, salsa, queso. Then my sister had made me an early birthday cake so I had a piece of that. Total disaster.

Monday: Slim fast for breakfast, pumpkin praline dessert (large piece) for lunch, KFC for dinner. Total Disaster #4. Nice theme I have going here huh?

The only good thing I can say is that I am drinking my water, haven't had one cocktail or regular soda (an old fallback of mine when I am stressed or sad) and have now thrown out all illegal food in my house.

I am seriously thinking of going to Weight Watchers tomorrow. I need to do something, I can just see me gaining back every pound in the next month I lost over the last two years.

I have only worked out once in the last two weeks. I just cannot seem to find the time or energy to do anything constructive.

Good news is that I bought my last few presents tonight. Thought I was done iwth that but forgot teacher's and youth sponsor gifts. So I ran out and did that, got those wrapped. Got the basement halfway there for company and that is something.

I went to my mom's today, she was in pain, upset, crying and just so sad I felt like total crap after I left. I also have felt so saddened by the mall shooting in Nebraska and then the two shootings here in Colorado at the MIssionary school and church. In fact, we drove right by that church just after it happened on our way to my sister's. Saw the emergency vehicles etc, and wondered then saw it on the news. What is wrong with the world? Anyway, after leaving my mom's, I was on my way to Curves but ended up just going home and making some tea and having that pumpkin dessert. Watched an hour of tv and recouped but of course Curves was long closed. And tonight the kids had too much homework and I also had to shop. So I didn't make it again. Excuses, excuses.

So the plan for tomorrow is to attempt to go to WW and get back on track. I am not sure how smart it is to join WW at this point in my life, two weeks before Christmas but it can't hurt to try I suppose. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. I need to do something.

Thanks for reading, sorry to be so down again! Maybe tomorrow will be better. Its my day off from mom duty and that may help things a bit, although I miss her when I'm not over there. But I know that for own sanity I need a couple of days to be on my own.

Thanks again for reading!