Am I crazy? I really need opinions about my sister

[Desnik]

I've been debating on whether or not to post this for awhile now. I would really like to share this and get opinions. Well here's the story, and let me apologize now because this might be long!

My sister was married for 13yrs. She married her "first" boyfriend. They met at 15yrs. old and have been together a total of 17yrs. They have 3 kids, 2 boys one is 12yo, the other 8yo, and 1 girl 2yo. They are going through a seperation. She has a lawyer and so does he. The agreement is being reviewed by his attorney now. They still live together but, sleep in seperate rooms. The kids know what is going on. She is doing a good thing by leaving because her husband was terrible to her. She tried many times to make it work to no avail. That's just alittle background info.
She is a very good person and has never done anything irresponsible, or "wild". She has IMO and my parents opinion, gone off the deep end!! She has had her seperation agreement "in the works" for about 2 months now. She has been with 4 men during this time. She stays out till all hours of the night. The kids are either with their father(if he is home) or my mom or a babysitter. Now this is bad enough but I figure I'll cut her some slack because she has never had a time in her life to be a kid and do these kinds of things(her on fault, but still..) I am worried about her but she just brushes off my concerns. We are very close, tell eachother everything and I have always been completly honest with her. I had to tell her to please stop confiding in me because I just can't take it anymore!! I don't condone her behavior. But it gets worse. She has been mentioning a man she met at her job but enlightened me the other day that she is "in love"!!!! She doesn't even know this person, love??!!! The worst part is, he's married!!! He has 2 small children, 1yo, and a 3yo. He is not divorced, seperated, with an attorney working on anything, nothing!! He of course says he will be leaving his wife, has a terrible marriage, blah, blah, blah.....

Am I crazy telling her to stop seeing this person??!!! She thinks I'm just being negative, raining on her parade so to speak. Why can't I be happy for her, she says. Um, because I live in reality!! I told her as a wife and mother of 2 I am offended she would even entertain the thought of being involved with a married man. He could be feeding her lies, or he could really be in love with her. To me neither matters, they are both still married, there are children involved. She says they are going to be together and that's that. I just think she has so much to deal with right now, why add more stress. She was here this weekend because she said she needed to get out of the house and didn't want to sleep at her house because her husband has been really terrible lately. She comes her with the kids, then 2 hours later she is out the door meeting this man and doesn't come back till almost 12:30. Her daughter was crying the whole time for her mommy, the other 2 were asking where she went. Then she says if her husband called to just say she didn't want to talk to him! What really worries me is that this is so out of character for her and I'm afraid she is just doing all of this to defocuse on what's going on and setting herself up for a big fall. What can/should I do? Another reason I'm worried is because she is not in counceling and when my parents divorced, 2 yrs. ago she took it really hard and had to be put on meds. I don't want her to be at that point again.

Thanks for letting me get that all out! Sorry for it being so long!

 

[meandtheguys]

Wow, my heart goes out to you and your family! It seems that you have a right to be concerned for your sister. I know that it can be near impossible to get through to someone some of the time, esp. if there is a history of mental illness. Maybe you could just encourage her to seek the counseling because it might benefit her with the court. She might not see that as being "negative."

Michelle

I don't mean to sound manipulative, but sometimes issues need to be pursued in different manners to achieve results.

 

[Christine]

The best you can do is be there for you sister and continue to honest with her. But I'm afraid that what you say will not matter. She is basically doing this because she has no (or very little) self-esteem. She craves the attention that these men give her, and for a little while, she probably feels good and beautiful. She has probably always been this way; hence, the marriage to the *first* boyfriend. Now she is free, yet she is probably as immature as ever, if not worse because she has been stifled so long.

There is really not much you can do. I haven't been in exactly the same situation as your sister but something similar. I will tell you that it has taken probably 3-4 years for me to become more stable and that took getting burned a few times. Let's just hope that she doesn't make too many mistakes that she will later regret.

As for the married man issue, I'm sure that on some level your sister knows that this is wrong, but she has this great need, plus the guy probably is feeding her lines about his "bad" marriage. Which may or may not be true. Problem is, she is just to needy to go against it. If she was confident and strong, she would have a better head about this.

 

[poohandwendy]

Unfortunately, her situation is not all that uncommon with people going through a divorce. (obviously doesn't happen with everyone, but it definitely isn't rare)

There is little you can do or say that is going to make her 'snap out of it' and come back down to the real world. Continue to be honest with her and listen when she needs it. As others have said, you cannot change her behavior...she is going through a 'thing' and it probably won't end until SHE realizes that it is destructive. If anything, I would stress the children's needs and her responsibilities as a mother coming first.

The good news is that these sort of 'phases' usually do not last all that long. Hopefully, she will get through it with minimal damage to herself and her children. I agree with meandtheguys...she really needs to consider how her actions will appear in divorce court. If she is being irresponsible, her ex could definitely use that against her.

It is a tough place to be, your position. But try to understand she is sort of lost right now. She needs people around her, like you, whose feet are firmly planted in the ground.

 

[Chrissi Pooh]

"I'm afraid she is just doing all of this to defocuse on what's going on and setting herself up for a big fall."


You said it all right there. Speaking from experience with this as I have went through the same exact thing a while back I can tell you that it doesn't really matter what you say to her. She is feeling things that she hasn't felt in years if ever and to her it is not necissarily right but it feels good!

Give her a couple weeks and then reevaluate, see if she can make the situation right herself, if not then be the bigger sister and step up again.

She is going through so much and probably is trying to cover up her hurt and all the other feelings she is having.

Good luck to everyone involved!!!

 

[Hillbeans]

Is there any way to get her to listen to the kids cries for her attention? I feel terrible these kids not only are probably frightened about her parents living separate, and now that the mom is "leaving" them with you, they may feel abandoned.

Thank god for you and how you're taking care of these kids. I just pray that you gather the strength somehow to keep these kids happy and healthy during this trying family time.

Your sister will hopefully come to her senses after she sows her wild oats. Just please please tell her to use some kind of birth control.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Not only is she trying to "defocus" to try to block out the pain of a divorce but she could also be trying to "hurt" her husband (throw it in his face, ha-ha I am so happy kind of thing). You said she tried to work things out with him, and I am guessing he wasn't to receptive, maybe?

I don't think there is anything you can say or do. Just continue to be honest and tell her you don't want to hear her "details".