Am I being unreasonable?

[mrsklamc]

Usually, in my experience, the answer is yes, so I may have answered my own question.

I have a BIL who if I had my choice, we would never speak to him again. I know everyone is going to want the details but I'm not willing to share. Let me just say, I think one of the worst things you can do is be dishonest with people who trust you, and he has been living a lie to the entire family for about 8 years. He knew his dishonesty would hurt the entire family deeply. Additionally, I am a person who has many casual acquaintances but very, very few I call 'friend,' and he was a 'friend' for years before DH and I ever got together. Long story short, I have trust issues, and you pretty much get one shot before you get cut off. DH and his parents do not like what BIL has been doing but are willing to forget it, while I feel like BIL has destroyed the memory of every important event over the last years by 'tainting' it with his deceit.

Like I said, if it were just me I'd never speak to him again, but he is DH's only sibling. I told DH, fine, talk to him if you want to, just not about ME (I have cancer and BIL is always asking him about me. This aggravates me, because I don't think he cares, I think he's just trying to use it as an ice breaker.) DH says he CAN'T just tell him, "I'm sorry, I can't talk to you about that." I even told him he can blame me- "I'm sorry, she doesn't want me to talk to you about that, how's work?" He says he can't not talk to him about the most important part of his life, he might as well not talk to him at all. I don't 'get' why it's so hard to talk about other things without including me in the conversation. Am I nuts?

 

[DVCLiz]

Usually, in my experience, the answer is yes, so I may have answered my own question.

I have a BIL who if I had my choice, we would never speak to him again. I know everyone is going to want the details but I'm not willing to share. Let me just say, I think one of the worst things you can do is be dishonest with people who trust you, and he has been living a lie to the entire family for about 8 years. He knew his dishonesty would hurt the entire family deeply. Additionally, I am a person who has many casual acquaintances but very, very few I call 'friend,' and he was a 'friend' for years before DH and I ever got together. Long story short, I have trust issues, and you pretty much get one shot before you get cut off. DH and his parents do not like what BIL has been doing but are willing to forget it, while I feel like BIL has destroyed the memory of every important event over the last years by 'tainting' it with his deceit.

Like I said, if it were just me I'd never speak to him again, but he is DH's only sibling. I told DH, fine, talk to him if you want to, just not about ME (I have cancer and BIL is always asking him about me. This aggravates me, because I don't think he cares, I think he's just trying to use it as an ice breaker.) DH says he CAN'T just tell him, "I'm sorry, I can't talk to you about that." I even told him he can blame me- "I'm sorry, she doesn't want me to talk to you about that, how's work?" He says he can't not talk to him about the most important part of his life, he might as well not talk to him at all. I don't 'get' why it's so hard to talk about other things without including me in the conversation. Am I nuts?

You're not nuts, but you are trying to control something over which you have no control. Let it go. Why bother with having to deal with those emotions, especially since you have your own treatment to deal with?

I assume he's either stealing something or having an affair - unless by "living a lie" you mean he's actually gay, which shouldnt' be a big deal at all. At any rate, let it go.

 

[mrsklamc]

No, he's not gay. The other two are closer.

I just don't understand why it's so impossible for DH to say, sorry, can't talk about that, let's talk about something else.

 

[pearlieq]

I just don't understand why it's so impossible for DH to say, sorry, can't talk about that, let's talk about something else.

Maybe your DH needs someone to talk to--for HIM, not you. Speaking from experience, watching someone you love battle cancer is very hard and it brings up a lot.

Even if he has other friends/family he can talk to, maybe he find being able to share it with his brother comforting. There's no replacement for your siblings sometimes. For better or for worse, they're always going to have that bond.

If I were you I would try hard to let this go. You've got enough to worry about in your own struggles and while I totally understand why you feel this way, I don't think it does anyone any good. Would you really deny your DH some comfort in this trying time?

Best of luck to you in your treatment.

 

[akhenaten]

You're not nuts, but you are trying to control something over which you have no control. Let it go. Why bother with having to deal with those emotions, especially since you have your own treatment to deal with?

I agree.... why make a bad situation (whatever it is ..that you are not sharing)
worse...

 

[NMAmy]

Perhaps a good compromise would be your DH saying something along the lines of, "She's fine" or "The treatment is fine" without going into details.

On the other hand, perhaps it's helpful for your DH to have his brother to talk to about the situation.

Frankly, if it bothered me that much, I'd just tell DH to talk about anything he wanted but not to tell me what they'd discussed.

 

[magicgirl]

I think your judgement is being affected due to your feelings for your BIL. I am sorry to hear about the Cancer and I would imagine your DH is having a hard time dealing with it as well. Perhaps it helps him deal with it by talking to his brother.

 

[nutterbutter2010]

You're not nuts, but you are trying to control something over which you have no control. Let it go. Why bother with having to deal with those emotions, especially since you have your own treatment to deal with?

I assume he's either stealing something or having an affair - unless by "living a lie" you mean he's actually gay, which shouldnt' be a big deal at all. At any rate, let it go.

Agree

No, he's not gay. The other two are closer.

I just don't understand why it's so impossible for DH to say, sorry, can't talk about that, let's talk about something else.

You can't control others. The only thing you have control over is yourself, and your reactions. Truthfull, it sounds like your being a bit spiteful being annoyed that hes asking about you. Let it go, hes not worth it. Plus, its your DHs family, don't get in the middle of it - you will live to regret it.

 

[pigletgirl]

Maybe I'm way off base, but it seems as though in a backwards way he does care about you, but the way its coming out isn't right....?

As for him, is pretty darn obvious he's hiding something. But as I see it, you're BOTH hiding things from each other (your illness and his deceitfullness)

Maybe you should sit down and discuss all of this...

 

[Pakey]

OP, I totally understand what you are feeling. When I was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago, I didn't want it discussed at all. I didn't tell my parents until my hair fell out from chemo and my husband had strict instructions that he wasn't allowed to discuss it with his family at all. It had nothing to do with my personal feelings towards people; I just didn't want my medical condition discussed. My husband's family doesn't care much for me and I felt that it was the same as gossiping to have them discussing my medical situation.

Is it unreasonable? Maybe. But we are human and not everything we do is reasonable.

 

[DVCLiz]

No, he's not gay. The other two are closer.

I just don't understand why it's so impossible for DH to say, sorry, can't talk about that, let's talk about something else.

Well, what you really want to do is have your DH punish his brother on your behalf, and your husband has clearly said he won't do it. So you have a choice. You can either live with it and deal with the fact that your husband has made his own decision about how to treat the issue, or you can speak to your BIL yourself and say, "I don't like what you are doing and I have asked my husband not to discuss my medical condition with you." But you're not going to have any control over whether your BIL then stops asking or not.

So let it go. If you don't want to confront your BIL about his behavior then don't expect your DH to do it in this way on your behalf.

I'm not saying it's wrong to want to be punative, especially if his behavior has hurt other people you care about. But punishment by proxy isn't going to work, either.

 

[pearlieq]

I'm not saying it's wrong to want to be punative, especially if his behavior has hurt other people you care about. But punishment by proxy isn't going to work, either.

Exactly. Plus, I think it may be punishing your DH more than your BIL.

 

[Judy in Texas]

I understand... I am also one who does not forgive and forget. Once someone gets on my bad side there is very little they can do to correct the situation. Your DH is between a rock and a hard place. He wants to maintain a relationship with his brother and keep you, his DW, happy.

I think your DH should say somthing like "She's hanging in there" or "She's being a trooper"... then change the subject. If his brother keeps pushing, then I agree with the previous poster that you may need to have a discussion with the BIL.

I feel for you...

 

[mrsklamc]

I don't otherwise speak to my BIL but I HAVE told my husband I am willing to call him up and say, "Look, you've made it clear that you don't really care about anyone but yourself. My medical condition is none of your business." but DH doesn't want me to. Part of what led to this whole problem in the first place is their entire family's unwillingness to face conflict. They think it's better to sweep things under the rug, pretend everything is rosy and hope it goes away.

 

[wdwfan16]

Not nuts but way over reacting.

 

[akhenaten]

I don't otherwise speak to my BIL but I HAVE told my husband I am willing to call him up and say, "Look, you've made it clear that you don't really care about anyone but yourself. My medical condition is none of your business." but DH doesn't want me to. Part of what led to this whole problem in the first place is their entire family's unwillingness to face conflict. They think it's better to sweep things under the rug, pretend everything is rosy and hope it goes away.

OMG my DH family is like that too... it just makes bigger problems in the long run!!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Wow!

First off, I understand your issues--and typically I would suggest counseling b/c just in general--it really wrecks your mind when the issues are that deep that folks do not get second chances.

But b/c of the circumstances--as it seems other people know that the BIL is lying, you never have to speak to him again as far as I am concerned.

As for your health, my DH would be ummm...in big trouble...if he did not honor parts about me that I wished to be kept private.

So no--your DH doesn't owe your BIL squat if he asks. Provide him a generic comment to reply--but really, your BIL is NOT entitled to the status of your health.

And my DH would likely not be my DH any longer if he felt so little about me as to ignore a blatant request to not mention something. Thankfully, he has much more respect for me than to do that--be it my requests are rational or otherwise. And I have the same respect for him. I don't go blabbing details to my family if he has expressly told me not to. (And some things--I just use common sense and not share them.)

I don't consider hiding conditions of my health to be deceitful unless it in some way harms other peoploe. I will share when I am darn good and ready.

I will say that my last pregnancy I was very sick and this one, I was much sicker. I was able to trust a 7 and 5yo to not spill the beans until we were ready to share the news as a family.

Pretty sad when a grown man cannot be trusted with the same courtesy (as is the case of your DH).

Whatever happened to honoring someone's privacy???

 

[DVCLiz]

Wow!

First off, I understand your issues--and typically I would suggest counseling b/c just in general--it really wrecks your mind when the issues are that deep that folks do not get second chances.

But b/c of the circumstances--as it seems other people know that the BIL is lying, you never have to speak to him again as far as I am concerned.

As for your health, my DH would be ummm...in big trouble...if he did not honor parts about me that I wished to be kept private.

So no--your DH doesn't owe your BIL squat if he asks. Provide him a generic comment to reply--but really, your BIL is NOT entitled to the status of your health.

And my DH would likely not be my DH any longer if he felt so little about me as to ignore a blatant request to not mention something. Thankfully, he has much more respect for me than to do that--be it my requests are rational or otherwise. And I have the same respect for him. I don't go blabbing details to my family if he has expressly told me not to. (And some things--I just use common sense and not share them.)

I don't consider hiding conditions of my health to be deceitful unless it in some way harms other peoploe. I will share when I am darn good and ready.

I will say that my last pregnancy I was very sick and this one, I was much sicker. I was able to trust a 7 and 5yo to not spill the beans until we were ready to share the news as a family.

Pretty sad when a grown man cannot be trusted with the same courtesy (as is the case of your DH).

Whatever happened to honoring someone's privacy???

So she should divorce her husband because of this?

 

[mrsklamc]

I will say that DH has not shared anything specific. He says things like, "She's fine," or "she's not happy right now but it should be better soon." It frustrates me because I feel like it's part of his family's conflict avoidance issues that he won't just call a spade a spade, and say, "she doesn't want me to discuss that with you."

 

[sbell111]

You are being unreasonable.