Am I being unreasonable?

[RachelEllen]

Oh, one other clarification. I said "no bread" But what was relayed to me was that SIL wants the house kosher for Passover. Normally, that means no bread, grains, yeast, corn, or rice. I do completely defend her right to pick and choose the parts of Judaism to which she wants to adhere. Their family doesn't keep Kosher. But I don't think that makes their Passover observation any less valid.

 

[Lib E]

Rachel I would seize the opportunity to work with your SIL to come up with some foods and menu that both of your families can live with. I'm sure you can come up with something. There are tons of resources on the net. Good luck.

 

[rangermom]

After reading all posts, it seems that the trip is a special family trip and with the death of OP's dad and the fact the her mother is paying for the trip, I think OP and her family can give for a couple of days. If this is how SIL always observed Passover and is not asking anymore than she would at her house any other year, than then I would go bread free for 2 days.

It really is the only grownup thing to do. Life is full of comprimises.

 

[DVCLiz]

You seem to be implying that there is just ONE way of looking at this situation, YOUR WAY....everyone else is simply wrong.... I find that very childish.

I'm sorry about that - but there IS only one way of looking at this situation - you may want to label it "my way" but really it's the mature, adult way. Anyone who thinks that there are two, equally valid ways of seeing this situation is getting caught up in the "you can't tell me what to do" attitude that some posters are expressing - and that really IS the childish way.

Now that I've seen the OP's additional information, it seems a double no-brainer to me to accommodate the needs of the family. Her stepson can certainly bend for the 2 days in order to allow the rest of the family to have a peaceful vacation and observe their religious beliefs, and her husband should certainly understand it as well. I'm sorry he doesn't get to spend much time with his son, but it's not an excuse to be a pill about the minimal dietary restrictions the SIL wants to observe.

 

[Tink888]

OP - it really sounds like you want everything to work out on this trip. Since you and your SIL get along, there's no doubt that the two of you will be able to work something out and come up with a menu that works for everyone.

Since it sounds like DH has been adjusting to a lot recently, I would maybe suggest he and his son go out to eat a few times during those two days. He would be able to meet his dietary preferences and also use that time for some alone time with his son which they would both enjoy.

And you could always bring a cooler with you to the beach house, stash your bread products & some paper plates in there and keep it outside (like camping). That way your family would have bread, crackers, etc to snack on and they'd never actually be in the house.

You're always going to run into these things on group vacations. We went to the beach a few years ago with another family. The two DHs couldn't agree on the best route to get there. Long story short - we took one route going down and the other coming home. Still ended up at the same places in the same amount of time. Must have been a guy thing. The point is not to let the little things get in way of a nice vacation, particularly with people you enjoy being with.

 

[Loverly]

Honestly-I had a very, very picky eater who lived for weeks on end on cereal, mac & cheese , pizza and turkey sandwiches. No veggies ever-it would be hard for me to think up something that he would have eaten that didn't involve a starch .

Could you do scrambled eggs for breakfast & go out for lunch & dinner(like pizza?) Esp at the end of a vacation, some people enjoy a little "space" from relatives they've been with 24 hours a day

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sorry, but I feel this is a religious issue and if you feel that you cannot handle the 2 days of no bread than I would not plan a vacation with them during a religious time of year. I feel it is wrong to expect someone to toss away there religious traditions/beliefs because you don't want to be inconvenienced. You are probably better off taking separate vacations. This could get ugly!

I agree with this.

 

[tonilea]

Just wanted some opinions on our family drama. (Perhaps it is a bit of a vent as well.)

We are planning a family vacation with my brother's family and my mom. The plan is rent a beach house for a week. My husband is a vegetarian, and we keep a vegetarian household. The last two days of the vacation fall during Passover.

Now, we are not that religious and don't keep Passover. However, my sister-in-law has said that her family keeps Passover and that she wants us to keep the house bread free during the last two days. I don't feel like this is reasonable, as we are not insisting that the meals and house be meat free! Plus, it makes it hard for us to eat meals that do not include meat or bread items. (For those who don't know, pasta would not be allowed either.)

I don't want to spoil the vacation of this, but my husband is rather annoyed and thinking of just nixing the whole thing.

I haven't read all the posts, but could you just eat out for the meals on the end of your vacation?

 

[shortbun]

I believe it has to be out of the house. I've known families who scrub like crazy, and have a whole other set of dishes and silverware, because there can be no trace of bread.

yep, me too. I helped a girlfriend do this in her kitchen the first year she converted to Judaism. It was a heady task. So hard it made her cry. I do think there is a big difference between being meatless and keeping Kosher for Holly Days. The dates for your vacation should be changed to avoid Holy Days. Then no one has to worry. Surely you understand your SIL's request at a higher level than you have indicated?

 

[Disneyadore]

I'm sorry about that - but there IS only one way of looking at this situation - you may want to label it "my way" but really it's the mature, adult way. Anyone who thinks that there are two, equally valid ways of seeing this situation is getting caught up in the "you can't tell me what to do" attitude that some posters are expressing - and that really IS the childish way.

And that is exactly the way the SIL is thinking. "There is only one way and that is my way".
If you give in this time you and your hubby will spend the rest of your life dealing with her religion and her rules.

 

[smidgy]

Does Passover require that there not be bread (yeast products) in the home, or just that a person not eat it?

If it is just that a person not eat it, then I think you SIL is being unreasonable. Does she just not want to deal with hearing her kids complain that the cousins are having bread and they aren't?

If the rule says that there can't be anything in the home, then since everyone chose these dates knowing they would be over Passover and that was the rule, I think the out of respect for them, the rule should be followed.

I am a Christian, but know Orthodox Jews, and I know that it is against their religion for ANY leaven to be IN the house during Passover. this is a religious belief, as opposed to a "choice" of what to eat.vegetarians can just CHOOSE not to eat the meat, but Orthodox Jews cannot have ANY leaven in the house (NOT just "not eat it")
that being said,(that I totally understand their religious beliefs), I can see how SHARING a beach house would be difficult. vegetarians are not upset if others eat meat. but it against THEIR religion to have leaven IN the house. if you have strict religious beliefs, you can't expect others to go along with them.
I would suggest separate accomodations. you can't make them go against their beliefs, on the other hand, you are not beholden to follow them yourselves.
there aare people you can share a vacation with, and then others are not a good mix.

 

[maccagerl]

If she is so concerned about Lent, the SIL should plan to leave a couple of days early and observe Lent...

The holiday they are dealing with is Passover, very different observance than for Lent.

 

[Michelle67]

Wow! Didn't expect so many responses.

To address some of the questions folks have:

1) Changing the dates is not an option. We are going during spring break.

2) Getting our own place is also not an option. My mother is actually paying for the trip out of the money my dad left her when he passed away. This is the second year we have all gone away together, and we are wanting to make a tradition of it. We could not afford to get a house at this resort! (I'm also trying to keep my mom out of this drama. It seems the hight of ingratitude to create stress for her around this.)

3) I actually suggested the restaurant thing myself! My sister-in-law (I'm crazy about her, btw) does have a "strong" personality. We get along well, because I (and my brother, incidentally) are very easy going. She and I also both have young children, and she's been my rock when I'm about to tear my hair out trying to take care of a colicy newborn.

4) The only kids involved (who eat solids) are their 2 year old and our 9 year old.

5) To explain the dynamic a little more, my husband and I are recently married. We have his son half the time, and spring break every other year. My husband was an older dad, kind of set in his ways. His vacation time with his son is especially precious to him, since he doesn't get to see him all the time. And, for the past 8 years, he used to having 100% control over how that time is spent. Now, he's in a new marriage, has a new baby, and he's really compromising all over the place (and doing generally very well at it) . So, I think this additional request just pushed him over the edge.

Honestly, I just want the vacation to happen. We actually all get along very well, and, with my dad passing away so recently, this family time is important. I think I'll just sit down with my brother and try to work something out.

(Oh, and I didn't mean to post and run. Just had a busy day!)

I hope you can work something out. Maybe if you spend some time on some cooking sites/vegetarian sites/allergy sites (great help with _____-free recipes) you can come up with some appealing meals that will be acceptable for everyone. It sounds like you aren't really asking if you're being unreasonable, but if your husband is. And maybe he is...but I think you're being pretty sensitive to why he might feel overwhelmed and cranky. Blending families is not easy, especially in the beginning. Maybe if you come up with some good new recipes, especially since you have time for some taste testing first, he'll feel better about it.

Other than that, I'd just like to say that this thread was really interesting for a non-Jewish person to read. I know very little about what is kosher and what is not, and what is specifically not kosher for Passover, and the clarifications people posted were educational and interesting for me. Thanks you guys.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Is it possible to stock up on the speciality kosher foods before going to the beach house? Research a few meals that can be tweaked for the vegeterian lifestyle but still be kosher.

Eggs/omelettes for breakfast heck even dinner
salads with seafood(if ya'll eat seafood)
stir fry veggies with some tofu
vegeterian soups/chili/5bean soup
eggplant lasagna(replace noodles with sliced eggplant)
grilled portobello mushrooms


I think it's entirely possible but do have to think out of the box. Do some research ahead of time and should be no problem. It sounds like the OP really does want it to work.

 

[Loverly]

Wow! Didn't expect so many responses.



5) To explain the dynamic a little more, my husband and I are recently married. We have his son half the time, and spring break every other year. My husband was an older dad, kind of set in his ways.

His vacation time with his son is especially precious to him, since he doesn't get to see him all the time. And, for the past 8 years, he used to having 100% control over how that time is spent.

Now, he's in a new marriage, has a new baby, and he's really compromising all over the place (and doing generally very well at it) . So, I think this additional request just pushed him over the edge. Honestly, I just want the vacation to happen. We actually all get along very well, and, with my dad passing away so recently, this family time is important. I think I'll just sit down with my brother and try to work something out.

(Oh, and I didn't mean to post and run. Just had a busy day!)

I commend you trying to work this out and have this tradition with your widowed Mother. I also can see you trying to make it pleasant for your stepson, whom your DH seems to love dearly and wants quality, stress free time with. good luck

 

[sunnyday123]

I don't think unreasonableness ( is that a word?) has made an appearance yet. However, it her request would severly limit your food choices, and she is aware that your family is vegetarian, AND she has a hissy fit when you tell her this, then I think unreasonable will make a grand entrance.

Have you discussed any of this with her? I would just tell her I'll keep my stuff seperate, nothing touches, etc. I DO think her requesting you follow her religious beliefs is running full speed towards unreasonable.

 

[Keli]

I haven't read all the replies but I just wanted to point out that there is a HUGE difference between not eating meat because you are a vegatarian and not eating items with yeast in them because you are keeping passover and you are jewish.
I think you should accomdate you SIL's religious views. I think if you prepared ahead of time you could work this out without too much trouble.

 

[sunnyday123]

I just went back and read all the replies...and I know one thing for sure.


I am never eating another marshmallow again.

 

[disneymyway]

I haven't read all the replies but I just wanted to point out that there is a HUGE difference between not eating meat because you are a vegatarian and not eating items with yeast in them because you are keeping passover and you are jewish.

Just curious. What do you mean? They both have to do with a person's belief system. I think there is very little difference, if any.

The difference I see in the OP's dilemma is that it is harder for a Jew to keep a kosher kitchen than it is to keep meat out of a vegetarian's meal. But the seriousness of the principles are the same.

 

[robinb]

I just want to chime in here. My DH's family is Jewish and my family (including me) is not. Some people seem to think that the way that Orthodox Judaism does things is the only way that Jewish people do things. That's like saying that the way that Pentecostalists do things is the only way that Christians do things. There have been many references to what more observant Jews do for Passover (clean the entire home of chometz, sell it to a local non-Jew, use different dishes, etc) that probably do not apply here. The OP's brother's family does not keep Kosher at home during the rest of the year and I think it's unlikely that they will suddenly feel the need to go the whole 9 yards on celebrating. I could be wrong but I don't see the OP getting down on her knees to get every bread crumb in every corner.

Regardless of how the brother's family celebrate it's perfectly OK to celebrate a holiday in a less observant way. That person is still celebrating the holiday ... it's not "all or nothing". Does someone who observes lent any less Christian because they only avoid meat on Friday and not all 6 weeks? No. Does someone who goes to midnight services on Christmas celebrate Christmas any more than the person who goes to church the next day? No. They just celebrate differently.

I'm glad to hear that the OP will be speaking to her brother. I'm sure that she can work things out ... a little communication and compromise on both sides will go a long way. Since the dates were set by Spring Break and the house paid for by the mom as a family trip BOTH families are kinda stuck. Someone mentioned a cooler with food outside the house. That may be a good compromise where they can go outside and munch on a PB&J. Or maybe they'll be OK with the common areas being kosher for Passover and not the whole house.

BTW, Passover starts at Sundown on Wednesday Apr 8th so maybe the OP actually has more than 2 days of Passover. You know, they could make it really fun and plan a Passover seder on Wednesday or Thursday with plenty of vegetarian dishes. I think it would be a wonderful way to celebrate as a family. Even if you are not Jewish you can celebrate it as Jesus' last supper. Then, just as with any other kind of holiday meal you'll have leftovers for the next day or two . It's amazing how much you can do with left-over matzoh! My DH's favorite is matzoh brei.