Am I being to selfish?

[septbride2002]

I would tell your mom how your DS looks forward to spending this special time with her. Especially mention how he loves to have her undivided attention because she is such a special person to him. He loves having his grandma there and loves being with just her. You might mention that your son's feelings might be hurt to have to share her with someone else on this wonderful trip (or that he might be hurt because nephew is getting to go twice if fairness and numbers are important to your mom...you know which is more important to her).

I think this is the best way to go. And don't feel bad about not wanting your nephew to go or that his parents have cancelled their trip - I mean they just made this decision they can unmake it just as quickly.

~Amanda

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

"since he going with us in May theres no reason to go again in December" Im going to have to back up and regroup and go at it again with another plan.

??????? ack!
Well isn't that convenient... for THEM! I can't figure that out though- we'd never cancel a family trip just because our child (or one of our children- whichever the case may be) was going with other family members also. Weird...

I agree with Sleepy's post about this.

And I also agree with what nigel-bigel said:

I really would say, "Mom, I have looked forward to our vacation together for a long time, and worked hard to save to pay for it. When Blake and my son are together they both become a pain to deal with. I WILL NOT spend my vacation disciplining the boys. I feel so strongly about this that I would rather not go than travel with both of them.".

that is exactly what I would say.
If I felt I couldn't say that- then I'd say we need seperate rooms and I would NOT pay for the other room... either the mom or the family that now has loads of extra money (since they aren't going on their trip now!!!!) can pay for it for their son to go. But even if you do the seperate rooms- you still need to address the behavior and possibly spending time seperate during the trip... not just sleeping in seperate rooms. Otherwise you are STILL going to end up with a vacation that doesn't really feel like a vacation to you.

 

[beautybelle]

Well I still havent worked up the nerve to approach the subject yet with my mom. Everyone has really give me some very good ideas and Im definatly gonna use probably parts of everyone of them when its all done and said. LOL But anyway just to give you an example of his behavior there was one incident in KFC where my mom wasnt getting his food right from the bar and he kicked her!!! I, without thinking, grabbed him and wore his behind out right there in the restaurant. Like I said before, I never done it and I wont stand by and watch him do it either and my son which is his age, would never either. The thing is though, is nobody else in my family will say nothing about these things. They would have never put up with this stuff when I was small so I cant for the life of me understand why they are now. I know there are people out there who are going to write me back and tell me that I shouldnt have used the "old fashioned spanking" but I believe there is a right way to do that and a wrong way, so dont think I tried to kill him because I didnt but I did warm his butt for him. Oh and you wanna talk about lucky, after his parents canceled their vacation, my mom actually bought Blakes tickets, so now they dont even have to be out that money. Well Im going to have to bite the bullet here soon and just face it, come what may. But truthfully I'd soon take a beating than say something to hurt her feelings, she loves Blake so much.

 

[nigel-bigel]

I have no problem with you spanking his bottom. He needed that, and then being grounded for about a month - no exageration. A seven year old, kicking his Grandmother? No excuse for that.

I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to be blunt. If you refuse to put your foot down and end up taking Blake with you, you WILL have a horrible time. You will have waited all this time and spent all this money to endure this little monster and watch him corrupt your son.

And the worse part of all of it is, you won't be able to blame anyone for your horrible time and your wasted money but yourself.

Tell us, what advice do you think your mother would give someone (non-relative) who came to her with this situation? Do you really think she would encourage them to put up with this kid's behavior?

I thought that by blaming the situation on both boys when they are together was a pretty graceful way of not insulting her little angel Blake. Would that not work?

I really want to see you enjoy this trip, I hope I wasn't too harsh.

Nicole

 

[nigel-bigel]

Beautybelle, I have a couple of questions...

Does Grandma know how you feel about Blake?

How long are you going for?

I'm working on an idea...

Nicole

 

[polkadotminnie]

I liked the Disney dollar idea, if you won't put your foot down. ( You really need to just say NO!) I also think that you should let Grandma know up front when Blake misbehaves she needs to punish him by staying in their (not your) room with him or using his Disney dollars to pay for an in-room babysitter. If Blake understands you are serious about a sitter, he may tow the line. ( It may take the first night of him sitting in the room with a sitter to get this point!)

 

[Sleepy]

Originally posted by polkadotminnie
( It may take the first night of him sitting in the room with a sitter to get this point!)

If he kicked his grandma, what do you think he would do to a sitter? Other options are push, bite, scratch and tantrum. I would almost think that since Beauty has tanned his hide in public before, he would not be so likely to buck her at WDW , but the problem is Grandma would be with them and if grandma allowed him to kick her with no punishment, he would not hesitate to do it every chance he got regardless of who was with them.

Beauty, what was Blakes reaction at KFC when you spanked him? Was his parents there? If so, how did they react?

 

[nigel-bigel]

Okay, here's what I have been thinking about. I'm calling it the 3-3-3 plan!

We know you are going to let the Demon Spawn come along. In that case, before you go, you need to have three conversations.

1. With Granny. Tell her you really don't want Blake to come along because when the boys are together, they both become very difficult. Because you realize how important this is to her, you are willing to give this a shot. However, she must agree to let you meter out discipline, and support whatever you decide.

(I'm willing to bet she'll go along with this one. As you said, she didn't let you get away with much when you were a kid. Further, I'm sure she shed no tears when you swatted Blake at KFC.)

2. Speak to you son, and let him know you will be having a conversation with Blake and him together, where you will lay out ground rules for your trip to WDW. Tell your DS that if Blake were not coming, you probably wouldn't be having to lay ground rules. However, you do notice that he picks up a bit of an attitude around Blake, which is totally unacceptable.

(Also, you may want to have a brief talk with Blake's parents, and let them know that if you are taking Blake, you need their agreement that you are able to discipline Blake in the same manner that you do you own son. You will not spank him.

They will be so thrilled to have you take him, they will agree. They know he needs discipline. They are just too lazy or scared to do it.)

3. Right before leaving, sit DS and Blake down together, and lay out your ground rules. These are...

(1) You will treat everyone - adults, CMs, each other - with respect. (You may have to explain to Blake what respect means - no joking.)

(2) You will not have violent or angry outburst or tantrums.

(3) You will do whatever an adult tells you to do, the first time you are told.

To keep track of these rules you will give them each three "tickets". (These can be Mickey stickers, or pins, or Disney Dollars, or whatever. They just have to be cheap and easy to carry.) Whenever a child is found to be breaking a rule, calmly state, "Child, you are punching Granny in the nose (or whatever). That will cost you one ticket. Hand it over, please.".

When a child has relinquished all his tickets for the day, his day is done. Done means done immediatly, not just one more ride. If it's Blake, Granny takes him back. If it's DS, you take him back.

I can promise you that Blake will not make his first day. He'll want to see just how far he can push his luck. If you are firm and calm, and don't give second chances or overlook things , he will catch on very soon. And if he doesn't, hey! You'll still get to enjoy the parks without aggravation.

I have taken this advice straight from John Rosemond's famous 3-ticket plan. I use it occasionally with my own two children, and find it to be very effective.

Please let us know how this shakes out. I've been thinking about you and this kid all day!

Nicole

 

[pampam]

This 3 ticket idea is one I've never heard of before. Why 3 tickets? Why not 2, or 1, or 10?

 

[nigel-bigel]

Three strikes, you're out.

One thing I forgot to mention is that the child starts each day with a fresh supply of tickets.

 

[Liz]

I'm coming upon this thread late in the game but just wanted to say to Beauty that I know somewhat how you feel. I don't have a nephew like yours but my mom is very sensitive and gets her feelings hurt easily.

I like the 3 ticket idea but maybe you should hold on to them instead of giving them to the kids. When its time for that last ticket to be handed over I could see the little brat screaming "NO!!" and take off running.

Instead of two separate rooms I vote for two separate resorts!!

Good luck. You've gotten lots of great advice here.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

John Rosemond has written several books on raising children. He is a terrific speaker. I am currently reading, "Making
The "Terrible" Twos Terrific!"

His basic theory is that you don't argue with children. You tell them something and that is the way it is going to be. End of discussion. If you have high expectations for children they will try to meet those expectations. You have to be consistant with discipline.

1st off I would tell the parents that you will discipline Blake. Then I would talk to Blake and tell him specifically what you expect of him. You can't just say, "I expect you to behave." Whenever he is behaving well, compliment those behaviors. Soon Blake and your son will be competing for compliments. Catch them being good. You will be manipulating Blake into behaving without him realizing that he is being manipulated. It worked on my 2nd graders for 10 years. They were putty in my hands. I was strict but fair and we also had lots of fun!

Lori

 

[nigel-bigel]

John Rosemond is my favorite! I've read everything of his except TeenProofing. One of my favorite books of all time is A Family Of Value, have you read it?

How lucky, you've heard him speak! I check his speaking schedule on his website occationally, but he never seems to make it to my neck of the woods.

I have learned so much from John Rosemond, but my favorite piece of advice is to make the child's behavior the child's problem. Instead of screaming until you are blue in the face (which I have a tendency to do!),let the child know that for any unacceptable behavior there will be a consequence. Now it's his problem that he has lost TV priveledges, or use of his bike for a week, or his time at WDW, or whatever.

Instead of two separate rooms I vote for two separate resorts!!

Great idea!!!

Nicole

 

[missypie]

I think I need to stop reading this thread because it is driving nuts (and making me angry about my own situation also). It reinforces my believe that most everyone needs to be in therapy. How do adults get in situations where there adult family members force them into situations they don't like (e.g. ruining their vacation). My own DH was coerced into participating in a huge, poorly conceived real estate investment with family members. Why can't adults just say "no" to their family members? Why is it almost impossible? I would love to have a psychologist explain that to me.

 

[MEM]

To answer your original question, no, you are not being too selfish. I would definitely NOT take the nephew. It sounds like you will be wasting valuable energy trying to discipline someone else's child and that isn't fair. Also consider how a super-stimulating environment like WDW could effect that child -- the heat, waiting in lines, not getting whatever he wanted, new and different food and people, fatigue and on and on.

When you say your mother is sensitive, you mean sensitive about her OWN feelings and not those of others? I would take the moral support we are beaming to you from these boards and tell Mom how YOU feel. Emphasize, as folks have said, that you want it to be just the 3 of you. If she presses for including the nephew then you have to be honest with her. Don't worry about the guilt trip the boy's parents may try to send you on -- I suspect they do that a lot and since it works, they keep doing it?

I get more nervy as I get older and I am not afraid to speak my mind to even the most super-sensitive person. Life is too short and Disney too expensive not to do it on your own terms. A reasonable person will understand your situation, an unreasonable person will not. As my once too-sensitive Mom now asserts: People can't take advantage of you without your permission!

Best of luck to you. I still maintain that honesty is the best policy in the long term.

 

[missypie]

MEM, you're so right about the expense. It's one thing if he ruins your trip to KFC, or even the local theme park that you can drive to for the day. But if he ruins a very expensive trip to WDw, that in itself could cause seeds of resentment in you that would last for a long time.

 

[beautybelle]

Whew MEM you go girl! LOL Ya know throughout this whole nasty time I've been thinking about how to handle this, for some reason it never entered my mind about the details of the overstimulation of Disney. I've just been going on what I've seen here at home and knowing that I dont want to have to deal with him on our vacation. And after reading your post I picture the scene at Disney (the lines, rides, food, etc.) and you are soooo right it would be sheer disaster. You have made me want to throw up. Just kidding....well maybe a little. LOL I have truly received some great ideas on here and I've decided that Im going to use them tonight. (I've wrote them down, by the way) I've pondered this long enough and Im going to do it tonight. I will write back later this evening and let everyone know how it went. bye for now. Wish me luck.

 

[Kallison]

You are not selfish or mean at all. Disney costs a lot, why should this child ruin your trip. Just tell your Mom this is an immediate family trip only. Don't let her being "sensitive" mess up your plans. Sounds like she is manipulating to me. My MIL always would try to invite my Dh's sister and her two girls on our vacations too, I just told her point blank no, this is our family trip and time for her to spend time with my kids.

 

[Kallison]

I just went back and reread this entire thread (well scanned it quickly), I agree with MEM. I can't believe how wishy washy some of yall are! How about telling her this, how about telling her that. How about just telling her how you feel, let her deal with it, be an adult and be upfront about your feelings. I always go by the Dear Abby rule - Nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them. Ya, I upset my Mom sometimes, but that is life. Sounds like your Mom hasn't let you grow up and doesn't look at you like an adult with your own wants and needs. Everything has to go her way because she is sensitive - puhleeze!

 

[harleyquinn]

OOOhhhh! The anticipation!! I want to know what happened!!

I'm glad I didn't stumble onto this tread any earlier.

I hope I never have problems like this! Ha! That's a good one.


All the luck I can muster is being sent your way Beauty!