Am I being selfish?
- Thread starter Kenenitz
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K and K's Mommy
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You are definitely not being selfish!! Go with your original plans.
Like everyone else, I think you are enabling your sister. She is an adult. She has had more than enough time to get back on her feet. She needs to set a better example for her daughter and show her that women can be strong and independent! If there is not a time frame for when she moves to her own apartment/house, then there should be.
Good luck!
Like everyone else, I think you are enabling your sister. She is an adult. She has had more than enough time to get back on her feet. She needs to set a better example for her daughter and show her that women can be strong and independent! If there is not a time frame for when she moves to her own apartment/house, then there should be.
Good luck!
mdsouth
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I not only think FayeW said it perfectly but also 2Kids2K9!!!
Your sis has a lot of growing up to do! You cannot do it for her. It is time she stands on her own!! She has a daughter and she needs to take care of her -- You sis needs to realize what it truly means to be a parent!!! You have to make sacrifices for your child or children and you have to be the one to take care of them!!! Your sister needs to take on responsibility of caring for her niece herself!!!! She needs to feed her, do her laundry, determine child care arrangements, and realize that as a single parent she will not be able to have child-free dates and overnights without paying a babysitter for one.
Next time, she plans on going over to her BF's or going out with him, send the niece along. If she wants the niece to stay behind, tell her she has to pay you the going rate of a babysittter and overnight is three times the amount. If she refuses, then track her down and give her the niece or call the police on her for abandonment. She needs a wake-up call!!!
You are not the mother of your niece and the quicker your sis realizes this the better. Either that or she needs to give up parental rights and let you adopt your niece.
Your sis has a lot of growing up to do! You cannot do it for her. It is time she stands on her own!! She has a daughter and she needs to take care of her -- You sis needs to realize what it truly means to be a parent!!! You have to make sacrifices for your child or children and you have to be the one to take care of them!!! Your sister needs to take on responsibility of caring for her niece herself!!!! She needs to feed her, do her laundry, determine child care arrangements, and realize that as a single parent she will not be able to have child-free dates and overnights without paying a babysitter for one.
Next time, she plans on going over to her BF's or going out with him, send the niece along. If she wants the niece to stay behind, tell her she has to pay you the going rate of a babysittter and overnight is three times the amount. If she refuses, then track her down and give her the niece or call the police on her for abandonment. She needs a wake-up call!!!
You are not the mother of your niece and the quicker your sis realizes this the better. Either that or she needs to give up parental rights and let you adopt your niece.
My opinion for what it's worth- Your sister should not be included in your vacation unless you want her along and she pays her own way. Stick to your guns!
She expects to be included because you have taken her on to raise. Heck, I have a 23 year old son who lives at home and he pays for all his own bills and pays rent- As DH says, adults don't live for free. She's lucky I'm not her sister, I would never have let her move in, in the first place. Since she's already in, I would give her 30 days to move OUT! The fact that she doesn't appreciate your help should strengthen your resolve- you're not helping- you're enabling. You are responsible for providing a peaceful environment for your DH and children- period and she is disturbing that.
What would you be apologizing for?
Sounds like you might need to grow a backbone with your mom, as well. I wouldn't be vacationing with or regularly have my children around someone whose "favorite thing to do is criticize."
Sorry if this seems harsh- I know how difficult family situations can be but remember, you teach people how to treat you.
Good Luck!
She expects to be included because you have taken her on to raise. Heck, I have a 23 year old son who lives at home and he pays for all his own bills and pays rent- As DH says, adults don't live for free. She's lucky I'm not her sister, I would never have let her move in, in the first place. Since she's already in, I would give her 30 days to move OUT! The fact that she doesn't appreciate your help should strengthen your resolve- you're not helping- you're enabling. You are responsible for providing a peaceful environment for your DH and children- period and she is disturbing that.
What would you be apologizing for?
Sounds like you might need to grow a backbone with your mom, as well. I wouldn't be vacationing with or regularly have my children around someone whose "favorite thing to do is criticize."
Sorry if this seems harsh- I know how difficult family situations can be but remember, you teach people how to treat you.
Good Luck!
I would not apologize at all!!! I would send her BF a text that says "Some issues do not require a third party imput however if you feel as though she will be forever scarred by not having a trip to Disney World feel free to TAKE HER YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "
Honestly, plan your trip,,, take your trip and have a blast.... If you take her you will always feel obligated to do so in the future. You will also , end up making you children resent you for not putting them first...or worse you will teach your kids that if you want to get your way just treat mommy like crap.
This is a good time to teach your kids to stand up for themselves without being horrible.
I would make it clear to her too that if she makes negative comments leading up to this trip that you will have no choice but to encourage her to find a free home elsewhere.
Shes too old to be pulling crap like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Honestly, plan your trip,,, take your trip and have a blast.... If you take her you will always feel obligated to do so in the future. You will also , end up making you children resent you for not putting them first...or worse you will teach your kids that if you want to get your way just treat mommy like crap.
This is a good time to teach your kids to stand up for themselves without being horrible.
I would make it clear to her too that if she makes negative comments leading up to this trip that you will have no choice but to encourage her to find a free home elsewhere.
Shes too old to be pulling crap like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is anybody else thinking that they would change the locks while Sis is off throwing her temper tantrum?
Absolutely- If she were my sister, she would not come back to an apology but to her stuff boxed up in the driveway- I'm not kidding. I would not have this drama and attitude around my children.
bookgirl
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She did offer to take the niece but the sister does not want the girl to go for the first time without her. Which was probably the OP's hint to offer to pay for the sister as well. It bites for the 5 year old but it's the mom's fault and her cousins shoudn't have to pay with thier vacation.
/
Tink316
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Ok, I think you've figured out by now that you have done nothing wrong...and there is no need to apologize. If anyone should apologize, it should be your sister for acting like a spoiled child!
My husband's family is very close...we see them regularly each week...and do many activities together, including many vacations. However, we are going to WDW in October, to celebrate our 20th Anniversary, as well as bring our 8 y.o. son for the first time. And our 19-year old is going to join us...so that we can truly have a family vacation!
We told husband's family that we were going, and expressed desire to take this vacation with just "us" so that we could celebrate and spend time together - just the 4 of us. No one was upset, no one was put out, they totally understood. And, they all have kids in the 6-8 yo range...perfect for Disney. And, we're already planning another trip when the families can all go together - just not this time.
So, your sister needs to get over it...and give you the respect and gratitude you truly deserve!
Just my $.02.
T.
My husband's family is very close...we see them regularly each week...and do many activities together, including many vacations. However, we are going to WDW in October, to celebrate our 20th Anniversary, as well as bring our 8 y.o. son for the first time. And our 19-year old is going to join us...so that we can truly have a family vacation!
We told husband's family that we were going, and expressed desire to take this vacation with just "us" so that we could celebrate and spend time together - just the 4 of us. No one was upset, no one was put out, they totally understood. And, they all have kids in the 6-8 yo range...perfect for Disney. And, we're already planning another trip when the families can all go together - just not this time.
So, your sister needs to get over it...and give you the respect and gratitude you truly deserve!
Just my $.02.
T.
mamaLori05
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I think your sister is the one who is being selfish here!!! Just because you were nice enough to let her stay at your house doesn't make you responsible for taking her on vacation too. You have your own family and you are definatly allowed to take a vacation with them without her or anyone else. Your sister is not your child nor your responsibility!! You have gone above and beyond your sister duty and it sounds to me like your sister is taking advantage of you. I understand she is a single mom, but she made that choice, not you, I don't understand why you should not be allowed to go on vacation with YOUR family just because she can't afford to take her family. I'm sooo sorry she put you in that situation, but I would say if she wants to get mad because you want to take your family on a vacation then so be it. She definatly has no right to get mad at you for that, expecially after all you have done for her.
So, your sister is demanding that you either pay for her and her daughter to go to WDW in the entirety or wait until someone else is willing to foot her bill???? What a nutter she is!
Also, is she working and getting child support, but paying nothing in the way of rent, food, or utilities?
I'd (1) tell Dsis that it's time for her to move out. You've given her plenty of time to "get on her feet" and your family needs to live on their own without people telling you all how to live your lives. Then I'd (2) book my vacation and use the money that I save in food and/or utilities to help pay for it.
Also, is she working and getting child support, but paying nothing in the way of rent, food, or utilities?
I'd (1) tell Dsis that it's time for her to move out. You've given her plenty of time to "get on her feet" and your family needs to live on their own without people telling you all how to live your lives. Then I'd (2) book my vacation and use the money that I save in food and/or utilities to help pay for it.
I'm not sure I'd bother to box the stuff......
loriandmatt
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i have not read any other posts in this thread other than your original one. (so excuse me if i post thoughts already expressed)
but here is my take on your situation.
you are in NO WAY being selfish. you (and your husband and children) were SELFLESS enough to make the personal and financial sacrifices to bring your sister and her child into your home long term.
you are still two different families. your family should be able to go and do things just yourselves without feeling like you are letting someone out of the fun.
your sister needs to see this differentiation. do you feel bad that her daughter is in this situation and can not do the things your kids can do? yes. but does that mean that you should hold your children back from doing things because your sister and neice can't? maybe somethings, but not something of this magnatude.
i know what i am speaking of.....my SIL and her two teenage daughters moved in with my MIL and FIL last year while going thru a divorce. they still live with them and will likely do so for a long time. they had an agreement about what expenses SIL would pay for and what common chores she would do. they do their own laundry but ask if the other has anything they need done just to fill that load. they agree a few days ahead who will cook or clean on certain days depending on their schedules. they do this to try to make things fair for all.
Most importatly they still consider themselves two families. SIL and nieces do not assume because Gmom and Gdad (or vice versa) are going on a trip or out to eat or to visit relatives that they are going along. they ask if they want to join in and if a polite "not this time, we want to be alone" is expressed EVERYONE needs to be mature enought to handle that.
the take away....it seems there are two key issues that my relatives situation has that yours is lacking.......
1.) the understanding that you are two seperate families that function seperately unless invited.
2.) being mature and respectfull enough to understand when one family needs their space.
good luck
- lori
but here is my take on your situation.
you are in NO WAY being selfish. you (and your husband and children) were SELFLESS enough to make the personal and financial sacrifices to bring your sister and her child into your home long term.
you are still two different families. your family should be able to go and do things just yourselves without feeling like you are letting someone out of the fun.
your sister needs to see this differentiation. do you feel bad that her daughter is in this situation and can not do the things your kids can do? yes. but does that mean that you should hold your children back from doing things because your sister and neice can't? maybe somethings, but not something of this magnatude.
i know what i am speaking of.....my SIL and her two teenage daughters moved in with my MIL and FIL last year while going thru a divorce. they still live with them and will likely do so for a long time. they had an agreement about what expenses SIL would pay for and what common chores she would do. they do their own laundry but ask if the other has anything they need done just to fill that load. they agree a few days ahead who will cook or clean on certain days depending on their schedules. they do this to try to make things fair for all.
Most importatly they still consider themselves two families. SIL and nieces do not assume because Gmom and Gdad (or vice versa) are going on a trip or out to eat or to visit relatives that they are going along. they ask if they want to join in and if a polite "not this time, we want to be alone" is expressed EVERYONE needs to be mature enought to handle that.
the take away....it seems there are two key issues that my relatives situation has that yours is lacking.......
1.) the understanding that you are two seperate families that function seperately unless invited.
2.) being mature and respectfull enough to understand when one family needs their space.
good luck
- lori
Your sister is a piece of work.
I can only think of one thing you might want to apologize for. If it were me I'd sit Sis down and say. "I'm sorry. This situation has made me realize I've enabled you for too long. I can't allow myself to contribute to your selfish behavior anymore. I think it's time to make a new plan that will help you grow and mature." etc.
I can only think of one thing you might want to apologize for. If it were me I'd sit Sis down and say. "I'm sorry. This situation has made me realize I've enabled you for too long. I can't allow myself to contribute to your selfish behavior anymore. I think it's time to make a new plan that will help you grow and mature." etc.
Kenenitz said:Anyway, she left her dh last year and has been living with me ever since. We moved my niece in with my oldest daughter and converted more than 50% of my lovely oversized garage ( formerly dh's workshop and workout room ) into a bedroom with a separate entrance
Second she feels its selfish of us to go to disney now when she can't afford to take my niece
She really thinks I am being horrible and nasty. As a matter of fact, her BF texted me while I was writing this and said, Thanks Jenn, your sister is heart broken over this.I feel horrible. I keep trying to figure out if we really are being selfish. I realize we talked about going as a family, but at the same time... well to be blunt, my mom is mean.
Your sister is a spoiled little girl
Um. No.
Please go for your family
PrincessTiffany
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Um, I don't know where to start, but I do totally agree with the above post!Your sister is a spoiled little girl
Um. No.
Please go for your family
Well, I guess, first of all, you have done NOTHING wrong. I could write a book about a sibling with entitlement issues, but I won't bore you with my story! lol!
Just plan your trip. You are right, you should not have to put off taking your child to Disney when you want to, just to please your sister, or anyone else for that matter. That's absolutely ridiculous.
I would just tell her, this is when we are going. Be mad, don't be mad. This trip is for me, my husband and my child. It has nothing to do with you. Just because you have been nice enough to take her in and help her out, does not mean she is entitled to run your life. And as for that boyfriend sending you a text, trying to make you feel quilty. That is absolutely unacceptable. He isn't even a member of your family, he has no right to address the matter to you at all. That's just way over the line.
I really hope you go ahead and plan your dream trip to Disney and it is the most magical time of your life. You totally deserve it!!!
wilderness01
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First, I apologize if this has already been stated as I haven't read any responses.
1. She needs to move out of your house, get on her own and grow up.
2. If you meet her demands of waiting, you are giving her more control, hence creating a bigger monster.
3. Please do not apologize, you did nothing wrong.
4. She needs to learn that not everything is about her or surrounded by her.
5. You have inconvienced your life for her and now you feel like you have 2 extra kids by cooking, cleaning, doing her laundry, etc? Where is she to help out. Sorry you are being used and need to put an end to this.
Everyone in your family may view you as mean, but sometimes the more you "help" someone, the less you are "helping" them, if you know what I mean. I have a SIL like this and it is never enough. If you help her, you are enabling her more.
Please, she needs to move out, with her child, and get on her own two feet. Just because you are kind enough to let her live with you does not mean you can't do anything without her. It sounds like she does plenty without you. Good luck.
P.S. Her boyfriend needs to butt out, it's not his business. That is rule number 1 with getting in between family members. Even if he is trying to "help" he is creating a problem.
1. She needs to move out of your house, get on her own and grow up.
2. If you meet her demands of waiting, you are giving her more control, hence creating a bigger monster.
3. Please do not apologize, you did nothing wrong.
4. She needs to learn that not everything is about her or surrounded by her.
5. You have inconvienced your life for her and now you feel like you have 2 extra kids by cooking, cleaning, doing her laundry, etc? Where is she to help out. Sorry you are being used and need to put an end to this.
Everyone in your family may view you as mean, but sometimes the more you "help" someone, the less you are "helping" them, if you know what I mean. I have a SIL like this and it is never enough. If you help her, you are enabling her more.
Please, she needs to move out, with her child, and get on her own two feet. Just because you are kind enough to let her live with you does not mean you can't do anything without her. It sounds like she does plenty without you. Good luck.
P.S. Her boyfriend needs to butt out, it's not his business. That is rule number 1 with getting in between family members. Even if he is trying to "help" he is creating a problem.
BlondeAlligator
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There are so many things I want to say but at the risk of being flamed away I will just express a few of them
For one... she is living at your house with her child and yet she feels like she has the right to make you feel bad about going on vacation without her?? I don't think so! Sister or not I would be telling her to kiss it and would be putting my children first above her and your neice. If you want to take a family trip to disney with just you, your kids and DH then you should do it. period!
Personally I think that by you pandering to her demands you are merely creating the monster and even enabling her to act this way.
Thridly if her BF is so concerned about her well being, then let him take her and her child to Disney and leave you out of it.
You have been more then accomodating to her in her time of need...
Oh and not that it is any of my business so feel free to not answer me.. but I truly hope that she takes your neice with her when she goes to stay with her BF overnight because surely you shouldn't be made responsible for that as well.... In any case good luck and GO TO DISNEY THIS YEAR!!!
YES!!!
Perfectly stated!!
Leofoenget
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You DO NOT have to ask permission of your SISTER to go on VACATION WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND FAMILY. YOUR husband and children are your first priority and if she does not like that you are going on vacation too bad so sad!! She's throwing a tissy fit. Ignore her and go and if she does not like it too F#$% bad!!
Seriously? I think your sister needs a smack upside the head with a grateful stick!
Holy cow! What a self-centred little wench!
She and her kid are NOT your "family"...they are EXTENDED family, and as such, she should be kissing your feet in thankfulness for what you have already done for her.
Go to Disney with your dh and kids, and tell her she needs to make other living arrangements, since what you've done for her apparently isn't enough.
Holy cow! What a self-centred little wench!
She and her kid are NOT your "family"...they are EXTENDED family, and as such, she should be kissing your feet in thankfulness for what you have already done for her.
Go to Disney with your dh and kids, and tell her she needs to make other living arrangements, since what you've done for her apparently isn't enough.
littlbugmom
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What would I do?
A) I would plan a wonderful vacation for my family and not even consider changing it or postponing it for her selfish, ungrateful butt.
B) I would help her the best way I possibly could by giving her a deadline on the free rent/board.
You have supported her for a year. That's too long. You aren't helping her, you're enabling her to remain selfish and dependent upon others. If she has a job and a car and child support, why is she still living with you and WHY for free? She needs a place of her own so her daughter can learn that adults are responsible for supporting themselves and parents are responsible for their own children.
You mentioned your mom being controlling and mean....I think your little sister may have learned a thing or two from mommy. Don't let your sister use those skills by playing your emotions like this.
About taking your niece. I understand feeling awful about that (we took my niece during our first trip) but the bottom line is, you can't afford to take her. If her mother wasn't a completely spoiled adult, she would have thanked you for offering to take her and busted her *** to save the money needed to pay for that trip.
Good luck...I hope you are able to work something out with your sister but it seems like things might have to get worse before they get better. She needs to grow up and realize that you've gone above and beyond for her already. You owe her nothing.
A) I would plan a wonderful vacation for my family and not even consider changing it or postponing it for her selfish, ungrateful butt.
B) I would help her the best way I possibly could by giving her a deadline on the free rent/board.
You have supported her for a year. That's too long. You aren't helping her, you're enabling her to remain selfish and dependent upon others. If she has a job and a car and child support, why is she still living with you and WHY for free? She needs a place of her own so her daughter can learn that adults are responsible for supporting themselves and parents are responsible for their own children.
You mentioned your mom being controlling and mean....I think your little sister may have learned a thing or two from mommy. Don't let your sister use those skills by playing your emotions like this.
About taking your niece. I understand feeling awful about that (we took my niece during our first trip) but the bottom line is, you can't afford to take her. If her mother wasn't a completely spoiled adult, she would have thanked you for offering to take her and busted her *** to save the money needed to pay for that trip.
Good luck...I hope you are able to work something out with your sister but it seems like things might have to get worse before they get better. She needs to grow up and realize that you've gone above and beyond for her already. You owe her nothing.
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