Am I being a helicoptor mom? Tell the truth, I can take it!!

[SDFgirl]

Okay, my DD (2 and 1/2) goes to a Mother's Day Out program once a week.

There are only a few other kids in her class, none of whom talk very much. One cries all day, and the other has a pacifier in her mouth all day.

The only kid my daughter "plays" with very much is a boy - I'll call him Sam. He has been a discipline problem in the class. He yells at the teachers, doesn't follow directions, and doesn't share with the other kids. I've seen a lot of this behavior when I pick up/drop off my DD. His mom has also been present when he acts like this and it doesn't seem to phase her one bit. At least, she never corrects him or disciplines him. She just smiles...

The thing that really bugs me is, when Sam is rude to the other kids, the teachers also don't say anything.

Today when I dropped DD off, Sam snatched a toy away from DD - right out of her hands. She said, "Mine, mine," and he eventually gave it back. As I was leaving, he snatched the toy again. She asked for it back, but he ran off. The teachers didn't say or do anything, just watched. This is typical.

I kinda want to take her to another program. It frustrates me that this kid seems to rule the roost, and the teachers don't really say much. However, part of me feels like I'm being a helicopter mom and that I should just suck it up - there are always going to be kids like Sam in her classes, right?

Despite this, my DD seems to like Sam and calls him her "friend." She also loves her school. I will admit that Sam's behavior seems to bother me more than it does her!

So, am I overacting? She is my firstborn, and I don't quite know where to draw the line between being involved and being over-involved.

 

[MushyMushy]

Have you actually asked the teachers if that is typical behavior throughout the day? It could be that he has issues getting settled in and once the kids are there and parents are gone, it's way different.

And at 2 years old, kids don't typically play together. They might interact a bit, but they mostly play alongside one another.

 

[luvmy3]

I just see a mom who doesn't like the way a classroom is being run, not a helicopter parent. I think most parents would expect the teachers of their child's class to have control over it, and it seems in your case they don't and don't care to. I would have no problem speaking to them and the director if necessary, not to point any wrong doing on the teacher but more to understand the philosophy of the program. To them is it just a mom drop off your kid and we'll let them run wild all day type thing, or is it a structured program with activities, focusing on academics, life lessons, learning how to develop social skills etc. Depending on their answer you will know if its a fit for your dd.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP,



Just my opinion but I would only be concerned if he gets physical with your child.

TC

 

[diznygirl]

Like another poster said, they probably settle down. During the day they probably play together nicely, you just don't get to see it. I would ask the teacher what she sees during the day. Drop off/Pick up time is not really a good indicator because there is so much chaos, and the teachers' attention is split between the children and the parents.

 

[Heidict]

Have you spoken to the teachers or anyone else at the school about this boys behaviour? I think that would be my first move. It may be that he is not like this all day or maybe they just need a little nudge from "someone" to get them to react differently to his behaviour. They may figure that if nobody is complaining, then why make a problem where there isn't one?

If your daughter enjoys spending time with him in class and doesn't complian about him or anything, then I would let her continue to attend as long as he is not hitting or biting her or physically harming her.

 

[JerseyJanice]

If your oldest child is only 2 1/2, you don't have to worry about being a helicopter mom--yet.

I agree with Tuffcookie. Unless Sam starts hitting your DD, don't worry about it. The most important here is what you said yourself--your DD enjoys going there.

 

[happygirl]

I think it pretty typical for two year to take toys from each other.

 

[clovergirl5]

I just see a mom who doesn't like the way a classroom is being run, not a helicopter parent. I think most parents would expect the teachers of their child's class to have control over it, and it seems in your case they don't and don't care to. I would have no problem speaking to them and the director if necessary, not to point any wrong doing on the teacher but more to understand the philosophy of the program. To them is it just a mom drop off your kid and we'll let them run wild all day type thing, or is it a structured program with activities, focusing on academics, life lessons, learning how to develop social skills etc. Depending on their answer you will know if its a fit for your dd.

I agree with luvmy3....I also agree with what the pp's said about making sure he isn't harming her or biting, hitting, etc. if she stays in the program.
Im am kinda surprised that the teacher doesn't step in and try to direct Sams attention to something else when he begins to act up. Even from the point of him being dropped off, if she knows to expect that behavior out of him. At their young age, I wouldn't worry to much about it. If your dd started complaining about him or seems bothered or upset by him, then maybe a change needs to occur.
Is he an only child? Maybe he isn't used to having to share things. Still, teacher should be directing his attention and gently correcting his not-so-nice behavior imo. Good luck!

 

[Gabes_mommy]

We put my DS is daycare for the first time this year when he was about 2.5. He was actually bit in his class 3 times - once on the face that broke the skin.

Honestly as a parent I was very unhappy, but I didn't say anything. Kids are kids and things are going to happen. We can't protect them from everything in life. There will always be issues with other kids as they grow up. My advice is just try to relax. It sounds like your DD takes it in stride which is a good thing. If she's not worried or upset I wouldn't be either.

 

[SDFgirl]

Thank you all for the responses! They do make me feel better.

I have not spoken to the teacher about it, but I have mentioned my feelings to the director. She just thanked me for my feedback and said she'd keep an eye on it. I will admit that he seems to have improved slightly, so maybe being with other kids is doing him good (they've been in class together since August). Not sure if he's an only child or not but I've never seen mom with any other kids.

But today's incident just got me irritated. I'm not irritated with Sam - he's only a toddler. But it does bug me that the teachers/his mom sort of ignore the behavior. When I see my DD take something from another kid, you'd better believe that I have a talk with her!! 2 and 1/2 is not too early to learn good manners IMO.

I guess I will just try to suck it up - especially since DD seems to love going to "school" so much. She has never said anything about him hitting, biting, etc.

As a parent, I find it really hard to not want to micro-manage everything in my DD's life. If I see someone hurt her feelings or take something away from her, my crazy mama-bear instincts come out!! GRRRR...I. MUST. PROTECT. HER!! But, I realize that she's going to have to learn to deal with these kinds of things on her own. Plus, I don't want to be one of THOSE moms who annoy the teachers and think they know everything!!

 

[dismom2]

I don't think you're being what they call a helicopter parent. It can be hard to watch your child being treated like that, and that's a normal feeling. Since she likes going there, I would probably not switch her right now. I'm not sure how much each two year old understands, but I would just talk to your DD and let her know that some kids are just 'like that' and it's not right, and to not let him be an example. I'm sure there's a much better way to word that to a two year old. I also think that some teachers discipline more when the parents aren't around--maybe they don't feel comfortable doing it in front of parents? That's not always the case, but sometimes.

 

[okeydokey]

I think it pretty typical for two year to take toys from each other.

It's also pretty typical for a teacher to address it when it happens.

OP, I would talk to the teacher about it.

 

[mjkacmom]

Here's another persepective - the teachers and parents didn't get involved, and the kids solved the problem! Your dd stood up for herself, and the boy did the right thing. Even this young, children should be learning problem solving. Of course, if things get physical, adults should step in immediately. With twins, I learned to let them work out some issues on their own (or else that would've been all I'd be able to do all day).

 

[NMAmy]

If your dd likes Sam and loves school, I don't see a reason to get involved. It sounds like she and Sam worked it out themselves which is an important skill for both kids to learn.

 

[clutter]

Here's another persepective - the teachers and parents didn't get involved, and the kids solved the problem! Your dd stood up for herself, and the boy did the right thing. Even this young, children should be learning problem solving. Of course, if things get physical, adults should step in immediately. With twins, I learned to let them work out some issues on their own (or else that would've been all I'd be able to do all day).

As for the only child thing, as the mom of one, I find that my dd shared better than kids with siblings. I know plenty of kids with sibs that didn't share well. They always had for fight for what they had, so once they had it, they were NOT going to give an inch. However, given my experience, I would not say that only children share better than children with siblings. Such generalizations are just plain dumb because it depends on so many other factors (such as temperment) as well.

 

[eliza61]

Here's another persepective - the teachers and parents didn't get involved, and the kids solved the problem! Your dd stood up for herself, and the boy did the right thing. Even this young, children should be learning problem solving. Of course, if things get physical, adults should step in immediately. With twins, I learned to let them work out some issues on their own (or else that would've been all I'd be able to do all day).

Totally agree. Op, it sounds like your daughter handle "Sam" pretty well the first time she took her toy so alls good. If she likes her daycare and likes Sam then no harm done.

I would ask some general questions to the teacher but unless hitting or biting becomes involved I would let my daughter work out her own social interaction.

 

[puffkin]

The ENTIRE scenario sounds 100% normal and typical to me. I wouldn't say you are a helicopter parent, but it does sound like you are letting something bother you that you shouldn't.

I think the most important thing is your daughter says Sam is a friend AND she likes school. If it really was a problem, your DD wouldn't say that, trust me.

As for the teacher, have you ever been with a group of toddlers that age for more than a few minutes? If she broke up every altercation she would be running around like a chicken with the head cut off! I think maybe you should volunteer one morning to see what the group dynamic is like with a group of toddlers for that long of a period. You will quickly see that the teachers can't stop everything AND that usually the kids just work it out themselves. It is actually a really great life lesson taught early

 

[*JoGo*]

I work in a preschool. Our youngest kids are 3. If we see someone take something, we'll see if Child 1 reacts (asks for toy back) and how Child 2 responds (gives toy back/doesn't). If Child 2 refuses or walks off, we'll correct them by asking if they took that toy, did they hear Child 1, etc, apologize. Sometimes they work it out, sometimes Child 1 just walks away, approaches teacher, etc. They're just learning to socialize and interact with peers. They need the oppurtunity to try working problems out... BUT we also do not allow children to just take things from others. Some kids habitually take things and we quickly see which children we need to keep an eye on. They also get more comfortable the more they're at the center and some become more agressive. We do our best to keep our eyes everywhere and correct as much as possible.

If a parent at the center I work at had your concern, we would not mind being asked about it.

Also, her referring to him as her "friend"... they are too young to really understand what a friend is. She may just be telling you what a teacher has said to her, something like "We are all friends at school." or "We do not treat our friends that way." "Let's help our friends clean up" etc.

 

[Tink888]

Here's another persepective - the teachers and parents didn't get involved, and the kids solved the problem! Your dd stood up for herself, and the boy did the right thing. Even this young, children should be learning problem solving. Of course, if things get physical, adults should step in immediately. With twins, I learned to let them work out some issues on their own (or else that would've been all I'd be able to do all day).

You don't sound like a helicopter parent. If your DD seems happy, I wouldn't worry too much about it.