Am I an uptight mother?

[minkydog]

Ok, so DD is 5. For her birthday my sil offered to pay for a visit to the hairdresser. I know it is because when dh goes to his mothers on the weekend while I'm at work, her hair is a mess. DD is biracial so her hair is thick and curly. I have no problems styling her hair, but dh does. When we got to the salon, her 6 year old cousin says, "You're going to get your hair straightened so it's not poofy anymore." In the back of my head, I'm thinking, oh no she's not! Dsil intended to have her hair relaxed with chemicals to make it straighter, without asking me. Initially she didn't even expect me to come, but she was running late and asked me to meet her. I was planning on going anyway, to supervise. The hairdresser said that she was too young to get her hair relaxed, but could probably have it done next summer. I plainly said, "I don't want her hair relaxed at all." DD enjoyed the wash, trim, and curl... she was very good and was very cute in the chair. I don't see anything wrong with getting her hair cut at the salon, but that's where I draw the line. Dsil says at the end, see her hair looks so healthy now that she's had it trimmed. The hairdresser has known dsil for 14 years and I felt very uncomfortable being there. You know that feeling you get when you know you're the butt of a joke.

Dsil also has 2 girls 12 and 14. They have been going to the salon regularly to get their nails done (with false nails), highlights, and eyebrows waxed. I'm very low maintenance, I've never had my eyebrows waxed & I don't get my nails done. I will never agree to let my daughter have her eyebrows waxed, and have fake nails put on (senior prom, maybe if she asks for the nails). To me, there is so much more I'd rather spend my money on and I don't see the point. If someone is judging me because my eyebrows are too thick for their liking, then I don't care to associate with them. That's what I'm trying to teach dd, and its getting more difficult now that she's getting older and is being influenced by dsil and her kids. I didn't even get into the clothes (black high heels, etc.) and makeup. The 12 year old has been wearing black eyeliner for a couple years now, and the 14 year old wears it all for several years. Is this what I should expect, or am I just uptight?

Well, yes and no. I think you are spot on about the hairstyling. NO WAY would I have allowed someone to straighten her hair. My DD16 has thick Greek hair(wavy and heavy). I wouldn't have let her straighten, perm, or thin her hair at the age of 6 either. Personally, I would ignore your SIL and I wouldn't trust her not to try to go behind your back. And tell you DH to sit on a tack or learn to do her hair. I'ts not that hard!

Now to the second part of your post: I do think you are being pretty uptight about the whole manicure, eyebrow waxing, black eyeliner thing. As I mentioned, my DD is Greek-American. Greek women are gorgeous, but they have a lot of "upkeep" to do. DD has lovely olive skin, but she has a lot of dark hair everywhere, which she is very sensitive about. DD16 has been shaving her legs since she was 10 and doing her eyebrows since she turned 12. She also got her ears pierced at that age and started wearing eyeliner. We go have manis/pedis together, kind of a Mother/Daughter bonding thing.

I have no problem with this. I don't allow body piercings(other than ears) and no tattoos. I don't like multicolored hair. I don't like a lot of skin showing. So DD is pretty conservative in her dress, and her makeup is subtle. Frankly, she looks beautiful and classy.

Perhaps when your DD is 12-14 you will have different ideas. I decided that eyebrows, manicures, and eyeliner were not the hill I want to die on.

 

[smkiya]

Wow, thanks for all of the replies, I wasn't expecting so many. I'll probably become a little more open when dd reaches middle school (I remember what it was like). I'm trying to instill good values into her now, so that we can discuss the choices she makes in the future openly and make compromises. I do not want her choices to be made though because someone doesn't approve of the type of hair she has, or anything else someone may have a problem with about her appearance (a dear friend suffered from anorexia). I want her to make choices based on her own personal preferences and in those cases I'd definately support her (within reason ).

I will definately be speaking to sil though. I have know idea when and what I'll say but I'm still very upset about the whole thing. I would have dh do it, but he is unreliable in these matters. I'll post an update when that takes place.

Thanks again disers!

 

[MickeySP]

No you are not uptight - she is 5!

As far as rules 10 years from now - don't set anything in stone, pick your battles. I am the mother of adults now and believe me caving to fingernail polish (not fake nails) is easy to negotiate. I always made it seem like I was giving in to such a HUGE deal, that way when a bigger battle came down the pipe it was easier.

And who knows she may end up wanting a baseball glove or hockey stick instead of fake nails & waxing - she will be a whole different person by then.

 

[MoniqueU]

Your child your choice, her children her choice. You are both judging each other IMHO. And what is important to your daughter in the future and you being against something as minor as acrylic nails and waxed eyebrows may set your daughter up for self esteem issues. She may very well be into her own appearance while you are not. That doesn't make her wants imappropriate, just not a priority for you.

I have a 12 year old daughter that wears tasteful makeup, gets her eyebrows threaded and her lip waxed and dies her hair. It is extremely important to her and I don't want her to feel self concious. Teen years are very volitile.

 

[shortbun]

Your child, your rules.
When your daughter gets old enough to want a 'do' or to wear makeup, you can decide then. You don't need to make those decisions now.
Oh, and don't be mad at your SIL, her intentions were good albeit a tad manipulative.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Your child your choice, her children her choice. You are both judging each other IMHO. And what is important to your daughter in the future and you being against something as minor as acrylic nails and waxed eyebrows may set your daughter up for self esteem issues. She may very well be into her own appearance while you are not. That doesn't make her wants imappropriate, just not a priority for you.

I have a 12 year old daughter that wears tasteful makeup, gets her eyebrows threaded and her lip waxed and dies her hair. It is extremely important to her and I don't want her to feel self concious. Teen years are very volitile.

Wow. I don't even know what eyebrow threading is. I understand the lip waxing thing, but why would she feel self concious about hair color? Unless she is going grey, I think 12 is too early to dye your hair. My opinion, of course. I just worry when girls place so much focus on appearance.

 

[Briarmom]

I agree fully on the not letting them relax their hair. That's way too early for that.

However, I can't imagine making my daughter walk around with excess facial hair. I hardly think taking care of your eyebrows is 'girly'. It's a necessity.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I agree fully on the not letting them relax their hair. That's way too early for that.

However, I can't imagine making my daughter walk around with excess facial hair. I hardly think taking care of your eyebrows is 'girly'. It's a necessity.

I wouldn't call it a necessity. A common practice for women and teens, maybe, but certainly not a necessity.

 

[Briarmom]

I wouldn't call it a necessity. A common practice for women and teens, maybe, but certainly not a necessity.

Well, I call removing your beard/mustache/unibrow a necessity.

 

[MAKmom]

I agree she is way to young to have it relaxed. BUT in Middle school let her do the eyebrows if they really bother her. Even if you will not let her wear make-up or nails...do not make her have caveman eyebrows.

 

[mjkacmom]

Wow. I don't even know what eyebrow threading is. I understand the lip waxing thing, but why would she feel self concious about hair color? Unless she is going grey, I think 12 is too early to dye your hair. My opinion, of course. I just worry when girls place so much focus on appearance.

Threading is an alternate to plucking and waxing, some say it's less painful and does a better job. Lost of middle schooler's here get highlights, and some dye their hair. I wouldn't want dd13 to, just because she has gorgeous plantinum hair - she once asked about highlights, but I don't think they even make a color lighter than hers!

 

[kpm76]

Your child your choice, her children her choice. You are both judging each other IMHO. And what is important to your daughter in the future and you being against something as minor as acrylic nails and waxed eyebrows may set your daughter up for self esteem issues. She may very well be into her own appearance while you are not. That doesn't make her wants imappropriate, just not a priority for you.

I have a 12 year old daughter that wears tasteful makeup, gets her eyebrows threaded and her lip waxed and dies her hair. It is extremely important to her and I don't want her to feel self concious. Teen years are very volitile.

I think many self esteem issues among teen girls come from environment and the expectations within that environment. When I was 12, none of my friends had fake nails, highlighted hair, waxed eyebrows etc. Why? Because our parents would never have allowed it and it wasn't important. Sadly, many parents think they key to high self esteem is to make sure that their children look good on the outside instead of raising them to realize that there are more important attributes that come from within. If society in general and the media in particular continue to focus so heavily on outward beauty this vicious cycle will continue. Young girls who rely on manicures/pedicures, highlights etc have not build anything expect a false sense of security. I'm not saying personal hygiene and appearance should not be important but there needs to be a balance. I'm sure many of you will say "oh please" this is nonsense, but based on observations in previous work I did, I can tell you this is the truth.

Interesting note, I have two cousins who attend an all girls private high school. They wear uniforms and have strict guidelines regarding personal appearance (i.e. no fake nails, body piercings etc.) I have attended several events at this school and met many of their friends and they are the most self assured, confident young women I have ever met. They are not all outwardly beautiful, they come in all shapes in sizes but they have learned that they have so much more to offer than a pretty face.....

 

[clh2]

Your SIL is way out of line.

As the mom of a 15 YO drama queen girl, I can certainly say that what I thought would/should happen when she was 5 didn't all go my way once she hit her teens - at least the decisions were made by her and me. I.e. she shaved far earlier than I would have dreamed...she does get her eyebrows waxed etc.

The kids, unfortunately, get enough from a peer pressure perspective, they do not need adults/relatives adding to the mix.

To the OP - I wouldn't let your SIL take her to the salon any more. EVER.

 

[Jsme]

When my DD was 5 my mother decided she did not like her. We were letting it grow out to one length. No it did not look good but I used hair bracelets to put it up with. My DM took DD and had her bangs cut. I was furious. NO ONE has the right to do anything to your child's hair but yourself!!!!


Only thing I know to tell you, since my DD is now almost 17, you need to keep a very open mind that your DD may not be as low-mantainance as you are. Meaning there may come a time when you have to let her be herself. You might have to spend more money on her hair. I agree about the fake nails. My DD had them put on for a dance and wound up picking at them and taking the off the next week. We do not wax because our skin is very sensitive and the wax takes our skin off. Both DD and I have tried it. We do take care of our hair, skin and makeup. Fingernails we do ourselves but we have toes done every other week. This is my splurge.

Good Luck. Remember while DD is small she is yours. No one has the right to influence her or do anything to her unless you allow it. A polite thanks but no thanks will work.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

Honestly, I would start limiting contact with your sister in law and her daughters. I would also never go to that particular hair stylist again.

It sounds like maybe some of this is her not understanding what hair of different races looks like and acts like. But it's still absolutely no excuse to do what she did. It sounds like she is very possibly setting her daughters up for some self esteem issues, and has already started on your duaghter. If she wants your daughter to come over, I would just politely say you have other plans. If she wants to take your daughter to a salon, tell her you just had your daughter's hair cut. I would laos talk to her about boundairies with your child.

I had a friend in middle school/9th grade who was biracial. She had hair like you are describing and I always loved her curls. I think that kind of hair is beautiful. One of the little boys in my class has hair like that and it is as long as his sister's! It looks so cute in the little pony tails and stuff they do to it.

As for your husband not knowing how to do her hair- it doesn't mater what race you are, most men are clueless! I can remember my dad having to get me ready for school when my mom worked nights at the hospital, and even a simple ponytail was almost too much for him. Poor guy!

Good luck with your isster, that really is a tickey situation.

 

[klacey1]

I just wouldn't accept anything from SIL again. Just tell her you want to be in charge of how your DD looks, and leave it at that.
I am very, very girly and started wearing make up when I was 14. That's just the way I was-- it was just for fun, not in an over-sexualized way. Honestly, the way some girls look today disturbs me. HOWEVER, it is up to them and their mothers. I don't pass judgement-- everyone needs to make their own decisions. Therefore, you, and you alone, are allowed to say how your child can dress, fix her hair, etc. Don't let your SIL make you guys feel lesser because you don't have witch nails!

 

[mamajoan]

Mom to biracial kids checking in...

4 kids all with different hair, one boy, straight, thick full of body can do anything with it hair.. .now in arm with buzz cut.. LOL
one boy with huge thick curls, one girl with combination, super curly and straight hair on one head, one girl with curly hair....

Now the girls did different things... but when the youngest was little she HATED having her hair combed out... so we cut it short and it was so cute on her. She did not have her hair permed-relaxed until she was 13. and then it became a never ending trip to the stylist for touch ups etc.. and dang expensive too.

Eldest with the super curly hair kept it long and braids.. until jr hi then cut it shorter and shorter each year...

Op your SIL had no right to do what she did! I suggest teaching hubbie how to do a decent ponytail, use some conditioner/balm to ''tame'' the hair if it becomes unruly. yup he might get frustrated... to bad dad... take one for the team!

I am of the opinion that we need to improve our children's self esteem to acknowledge and accept differences.

 

[SydSim]

Nope, you're not uptight. Nope, permanent relaxing shouldn't be considered. Nope, SIL shouldn't have any say into Dd's look.

If DH is taking DD to grandma's for weekends, and neither DH, grandma nor SIL know how to care for Dd's hair, then you may need to style it in some sort of way that lasts throughout the weekend - and may start teaching DD how to use a scarf each night to maintain the look.

A bi-racial girl's hair doesn't have to be straightened to look nice - but when it's not taken care of (as in styled some sort of way - even if the curls are just finger combed), it can look quite unkept.

Moms are always going to disagree on when their daughters should be allowed to wear make-up, nail polish, hair coloring, etc. I think that things can be allowed gradually over time. I'm not going to allow a 10 year old to wear make-up because she'll probably rebel if I don't. Just like I'm not gonna allow a 15 year old to drink beer in my house because if I don't, he's gonna go somewhere else and do it.

So, you have choices. You can teach DH, grandma and SIL how to care for DD's type of hair, or you can style it to last for the visits.

Good luck!

 

[VillageMama]

Applauding SydSim's post!

 

[smkiya]

So, you have choices. You can teach DH, grandma and SIL how to care for DD's type of hair, or you can style it to last for the visits.

Good luck!

I've started putting it in 2 french braids on friday nights. It lasts until sat, sometimes sunday. However this sat one of the bands came out, and so did dd's hair. So dh will have a mandatory 'hair do' session in how to do a ponytail, whether he likes it or not!