Allowance disagreement with ex

[havaneselover]

Okay, I'm looking for objective opinions here.

My dd (10) was picked up by her dad after school and taken to his house about 30 minutes away and then to swimming (halfway between his house and mine). He says he asked her twice if she had everything for swimming before leaving my house. She realized at his house that she didn't have a suit. She asked him to take her home but he said that was too far so he took her to swimming and purchased her a new suit for $40. He also could have texted/called me and asked me to bring a suit to swimming but didn't. She claims he never told her she would have to reimburse him for it.

I got a text about 45 minutes after swimming started telling me that she owed him $40 from the allowance I give her. Am I wrong to think that he can't make that decision? Sometimes with exes there's too much emotion to be rational. But I'm at a loss to see how I'm in the wrong (he's very mad at me and I'm sure he'll find some way to get even).

 

[chloelovesdisney]

He's her father, he can buy her a bathing suit. If he didn't want to pay for it his options were to bring her home for one, call and ask you to bring one, or to skip swimming.

 

[js]

He's her father, he can buy her a bathing suit. If he didn't want to pay for it his options were to bring her home for one, call and ask you to bring one, or to skip swimming.

Ditto.

I agree with you OP

 

[lazy daisy]

He's her father, he can buy her a bathing suit. If he didn't want to pay for it his options were to bring her home for one, call and ask you to bring one, or to skip swimming.

I agree, he is her father, he can buy her a suit. Unbelievable!

 

[havaneselover]

Thanks, everyone. Sometimes in these situations it's hard to know if I'm being unreasonable because it stirs up a lot of emotions and I'm a people pleaser.

I think he got home and his wife got on his case.

 

[Mom21]

I feel your pain. All I'm going to say if he is like this now, it won't get any better even by the time she goes to college. Sad to say, but ask me how I know.

 

[okeydokey]

I can see his reasoning about her being responsible for buying the suit as he asked her twice before leaving the house if she had everything she needed and she said yes. She does need to be responsible for packing her things.

However, he could easily asked you to bring her suit to the pool. I think he is trying to teach her a lesson about responsibility, but he should have discussed it with you before making a unilateral decision.

 

[Marionnette]

Okay, I'm looking for objective opinions here.

My dd (10) was picked up by her dad after school and taken to his house about 30 minutes away and then to swimming (halfway between his house and mine). He says he asked her twice if she had everything for swimming before leaving my house. She realized at his house that she didn't have a suit. She asked him to take her home but he said that was too far so he took her to swimming and purchased her a new suit for $40. He also could have texted/called me and asked me to bring a suit to swimming but didn't. She claims he never told her she would have to reimburse him for it.

I got a text about 45 minutes after swimming started telling me that she owed him $40 from the allowance I give her. Am I wrong to think that he can't make that decision? Sometimes with exes there's too much emotion to be rational. But I'm at a loss to see how I'm in the wrong (he's very mad at me and I'm sure he'll find some way to get even).

Taking the divorce out of the equation, how do you think it should have been handled? I know that in my home, if I had reminded my child numerous times to make sure that they had everything they needed and then, after driving 30 minutes from home they told me that they neglected to include a key item for their activity, there would have been three choices for the kid - either pay for a replacement item out of their allowance or work the debt off in extra chores or else skip the activity. I never would have asked my husband to drop what he was doing and drive 15 minutes one-way to bring the forgotten item to the child. At some point, kids need to learn to take responsibility for their own stuff instead of relying on Mom and Dad to pick up the slack.

Tough and expensive lesson, but I don't necessarily think that your Ex is in the wrong to expect her to reimburse him.

 

[havaneselover]

I feel your pain. All I'm going to say if he is like this now, it won't get any better even by the time she goes to college. Sad to say, but ask me how I know.

: ( I'm sorry.

I don't expect any help with college, DDs' wedding, etc.. Luckily I have tuition covered.

 

[lazy daisy]

Okay, I'm looking for objective opinions here.

My dd (10) was picked up by her dad after school and taken to his house about 30 minutes away and then to swimming (halfway between his house and mine). He says he asked her twice if she had everything for swimming before leaving my house. She realized at his house that she didn't have a suit. She asked him to take her home but he said that was too far so he took her to swimming and purchased her a new suit for $40. He also could have texted/called me and asked me to bring a suit to swimming but didn't. She claims he never told her she would have to reimburse him for it.

I got a text about 45 minutes after swimming started telling me that she owed him $40 from the allowance I give her. Am I wrong to think that he can't make that decision? Sometimes with exes there's too much emotion to be rational. But I'm at a loss to see how I'm in the wrong (he's very mad at me and I'm sure he'll find some way to get even).

Another point, he could have just said he would buy her a suit but it would stay at his house.

 

[havaneselover]

Taking the divorce out of the equation, how do you think it should have been handled? I know that in my home, if I had reminded my child numerous times to make sure that they had everything they needed and then, after driving 30 minutes from home they told me that they neglected to include a key item for their activity, there would have been three choices for the kid - either pay for a replacement item out of their allowance or work the debt off in extra chores or else skip the activity. I never would have asked my husband to drop what he was doing and drive 15 minutes one-way to bring the forgotten item to the child. At some point, kids need to learn to take responsibility for their own stuff instead of relying on Mom and Dad to pick up the slack.

Tough and expensive lesson, but I don't necessarily think that your Ex is in the wrong to expect her to reimburse him.

I asked about extra chores and he said that wasn't an option. I also said he could have told her she was not going to swimming and would have to swim Saturday morning instead. I agree that kids (even 10 year olds having to make sure they shuttle the right stuff between their mom's and their dad's houses) need to learn to be responsible. But she swears he never gave her options. Just bought her a suit. I think he then got home and his wife may have gotten on his case but I wasn't there.

 

[havaneselover]

Another point, he could have just said he would buy her a suit but it would stay at his house.

She had several suits at his house which they told her she had to take home last week. Lol.

The moral of this is divorce stinks!

 

[LockShockBarrel]

Ugh I can see multiple solutions/issues...

It sort of depends how he put it to your daughter. If he told her after he bought the suit that she had to pay for it, that's crap. If he told her before, then he's valid to ask for money but he shouldn't be demanding it from you. I agree completely that he should have consulted or at least told you in a non nasty way about this. There is definitely the responsibility aspect but again, its not something he should be taking out on you.

I wonder if it might be easier to meet in the middle, just to save yourself the stress. Unless he and your daughter both say that the agreement of paying was said before the purchase, have the discussion with both. You can approach your daughter in a "ok, it was your responsibility to remember your suit so you do need to pay" and your ex in a "you spent the money you didn't need to if you would have brought her home to grab it, it was your decision to buy another one. It will teach her a lesson but she didn't need a new suit so she will pay you half".

 

[LockShockBarrel]

Wait, I take it back. More information was given after I posted. She can work it off but if they told her to take suits home that could have been kept there there's no reason he needed to buy another one because he didn't want to bring her home.

 

[Colleen27]

I can sort of see the lesson he's trying to teach. I've done it myself when my kid decided to get in the car without shoes and I had to pick up a pair of flip-flops so we could run our planned errands, or when she left her goggles at home after being reminded three times to make sure everything was in her swim bag before a meet (she uses them at the beach, so them not getting back into the pool bag was a recurring issue). But those were small dollar amounts and I was the only one with the potential to be effected by her spending her allowance/earnings in unexpected ways (ie if something important came up, I'd have been the one she went to for a loan).

I think in divorce situations these things necessarily become more complex, and a non-custodial parent shouldn't be imposing financial penalties that a child will have to "make up" on the custodial parent's time. I also think $40 is a very steep lesson for a 10 year old, for whom that is presumably a lot of money, especially when it could have been avoided with a simple text or phone call.

 

[usd2bmd]

I can see his reasoning about her being responsible for buying the suit as he asked her twice before leaving the house if she had everything she needed and she said yes. She does need to be responsible for packing her things.

However, he could easily asked you to bring her suit to the pool. I think he is trying to teach her a lesson about responsibility, but he should have discussed it with you before making a unilateral decision.

I agree with this. My husband and I often make decisions before we have the chance to discuss it with each other. They aren't always decisions we agree on but we are united as her parents. We are still married an di know that isn't your situation.

It's a hard lesson, but she will probably never forget anything for swim again.

 

[LovesTimone]

1st off she 10 years old, he is the parent, he should have made sure. That's what parents do. Yes I understand about the responsibility... but she is a kid and no-ones perfect.

2nd - your the one that's gonna come across as being mean, if you take the 40.00 out of the allowance. If he wants it he should tell her, again its about parenting, let him explain it, then work it out with her.

3rd - He is the father... he can buy his child a swimsuit.. There is no way I would give him money that You give her for allowance... Maybe you should suggest that he can start giving her a allowance as well.

4th - Your divorced.. Don't let him tell you what your gonna do... Why would worry about pleasing him..... As far as him getting back at you, you might want to think about what that kind of behavior is doing to your DD... Trust me she knows. I would talk to him.. one on one and set some guide lines, keep a log of incidence, date, time and what happened( stick to the facts.. keep emotion out of it)

5th - You have to be strong for your kids, and you have to step up for them.

On a side note if my ex would have tried that, I would have said, WOW that's great you did that for her. I know she appreciated it. Well gotta go.... and hang up the phone....

 

[chloelovesdisney]

1st off she 10 years old, he is the parent, he should have made sure. That's what parents do. Yes I understand about the responsibility... but she is a kid and no-ones perfect.

2nd - your the one that's gonna come across as being mean, if you take the 40.00 out of the allowance. If he wants it he should tell her, again its about parenting, let him explain it, then work it out with her.

3rd - He is the father... he can buy his child a swimsuit.. There is no way I would give him money that You give her for allowance... Maybe you should suggest that he can start giving her a allowance as well.

4th - Your divorced.. Don't let him tell you what your gonna do... Why would worry about pleasing him..... As far as him getting back at you, you might want to think about what that kind of behavior is doing to your DD... Trust me she knows. I would talk to him.. one on one and set some guide lines, keep a log of incidence, date, time and what happened( stick to the facts.. keep emotion out of it)

5th - You have to be strong for your kids, and you have to step up for them.

On a side note if my ex would have tried that, I would have said, WOW that's great you did that for her. I know she appreciated it. Well gotta go.... and hang up the phone....

Ditto on all points.

 

[lauradis]

If you can actually talk to him.

I agree with him that she needs to learn a lesson on if she is asked to double check her stuff she should.

She should have to pay him, but here is where the talking to him part comes in agree that she was wrong, but that you would like her to be responsible for say 1/2.

$20.00 is still good lesson for a first offense.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

Give allowance to you daughter as usual.
Father has to talk DD into paying him back, he doesn't get the money from you.

She can pay him back a dollar or two every time he asks.

Suggest she pay him in spare change. Or at least all change found gets directed to paying off this bill.

Attach a laminated checklist to swim backpack.

I would have have more sympathy for Dad if he hadn't made her take spare bathing suits from his house. But making her take spare suits away and then charging her makes him a *******.
Bathing suits have to be washed and can't just be left in Equipment bag.