All SAHM's please HELP!!

[disneyjunkie]

How is that every single SAHM thread becomes a debate and/or a battle?

OP only wanted to vent a little and ask for help regarding things people say to her about being a SAHM and so she asked for support and advice from other SAHMs. It doesn't mean the SAHMs posting here are attacking working moms, really it doesn't.

I just don't get it.

As soon as I read the OP I said to myself I know how she feels.

I'm not a SAHM, but I know how it feels to have others make comments/judgements about decisions you make for your family.

I wanted to let the OP know that as a WOHM, I don't think she owes anyone an explication. If I were I'd nicely(maybe not ) put those family members in their place.

The are you working comment is just as snarky as the I wanted to raise my own children comment.

I think moms on both sides of the fence need to realize that some of the comments we make really do hurt.

 

[ilovejack02]

LMAO, Now you two ladies dont even bring me into this fight
My post # 3 was not even close to snarky....I say what i say, when I get some jealous working mother looking down her nose at me, and yes ive run into a couple. If you go on to read the second paragraph you will see I say I would never be ugly about someone working, UNLESS i get it first and then if i feel like being a witch its with in my right. I think i very clearly stated how i really felt

"I just laugh and say "I am soo lucky to have a husband that has a great job that allows me to stay home with the kids and not have to have anyone else raise them. I feel it is very important to be home with children, dont you feel that way?" That always shuts them up ; )!
Now of course I dont say this to everyone, I would never be ugly about someone decision to work. Not everyone can stay home or heck even wants to. Its what works for us and im glad! I only pull this out for the few that i get that like to try and make me feel bad for not having a career."

 

[Whosemom]

SAHMs were not running down moms who work out of the home. Just asking for respect, too. Why did the working out of the home moms get ugly and defensive? I am not a self-absorbed loser because I am home with my kids. And that's all the op was saying - how does she answer people with the attitudes shown by some of you.

It takes everyones gifts and talents to keep the world running. If all the body parts were ears, how could we smell?

 

[ilovejack02]

SAHMs were not running down moms who work out of the home. Just asking for respect, too. Why did the working out of the home moms get ugly and defensive? I am not a self-absorbed loser because I am home with my kids. And that's all the op was saying - how does she answer people with the attitudes shown by some of you.

It takes everyones gifts and talents to keep the world running. If all the body parts were ears, how could we smell?

Its is never ending debate, and there will honestly never be a right or wrong answer. There is good and bad to both sides of the discussion. Sahm want respect for what we do, working moms want respect for the choices they have made ( or the one they HAD to make ) . Some working moms feel guilty about working so some will put down others to make themselves feel better and the same goes with SAHM. Some of them feel guilty for NOT having a career and so they justify it by making working moms feel bad.
I do what is right for MY family, the rest of you can do what you want. The few ladies that i meet that try and make me feel bad will get it right back. YES i KNOW its childish, but whatever makes me happy at the moment

 

[PrincessHeart]

I would just like to say that I am a SAHM with two very close friends who are not SAHM's - One works full-time and the other part-time. We love each other and respect each other's decision to do what is right for our families. We share many of the same struggles as mothers. I think Moms should try to find the common bond between us and not try to find fault with each others decisions. To the original poster - I'm so sorry your family treats you this way! Just know that you don't need thier approval to do what right for your family. Find some other Sahm to give you support when you feel attacked - I think you find quite a few here! Suprsingly, my Dad was the one who did not support my decision to be a SAHM. He kept asking me when I was going to go to law school - his dream for me. I just kep telling him "Never Dad, I have the job I want." After about 5 years he finally gave up asking! I still love being a SAHM. Just today my DD's Kindergarten teacher asked me if I would have another baby, so she could have me as a parent volunteer again. She was my DS's teacher too.

 

[NemoMOm]

I usually list my day. From morning til the next morning as DS still gets up during the night. This is generally a loooonng list as you SAHMs know. I then pause and say "You mean all this is not enough?"

 

[juliejody]

I love all the answers. I usually get people who tell me I'm so "lucky" to stay home with my kids. Actually, luck has little to do with it. It was a conscious choice that is not without sacrifice. That being said, I do consider it a blessing to be the one raising my children.

 

[disneyjunkie]

That being said, I do consider it a blessing to be the one raising my children.

We're ALL raising our children.

 

[ilovejack02]

We're ALL raising our children.

And so the debate continues.
I think she meant to say that she feels blessed to be able to be at home with her children and not to have to rely on nannies or day care to help her out while she is at work.
Is that better?

 

[MiaSRN62]

My4kids says in post #14: I know 2 groups of moms. The ones that stay home and do what it takes to stay home (smaller home, less fancy vacations, eating out less, etc. ) and those that work because the they rather cut off their right arms than have to stay home with their kids.

Huh ?
Am I missing something in translation here ? I am a working mom. And just because I work out of the house, does not mean I don't come home and have to do all the same things SAHM do ? I'm home when my kids get home from school. I do the taxi service thing to after school activities, do all the laundy, food shopping, take kids to the doctor....and work out of the house during the day. But I guess I'd fall in the 2nd group of moms you mentioned My4kids ? While I am not jealous of SAHM, it would be nice to not have to work outside the home because I have a very stressful job (labor and delivery/high risk pregnancy RN). Most times I come home so exhausted, but I push myself. I think ALL moms encounter problems and have to justify themselves from time to time. It's unfair, because we all have our reasons for doing what we do or have to do. I must be in group #3 which you did not list My4kids. That is the group that loves their kids and does whatever they can for them, yet still has to contribute to the household paycheck. To say, that because I work it means I'd rather cut off my arm than be with my kids ? Also, I recall the years when my kids were young, I was one of the few working moms and I would sometimes get looked down upon by SAHM's in my neighborhood. Standing at the bus stop I was never part of their "in" playgroups or tea times etc. So working and SAHM face judgemental people. The grass is not always greener.....

I'm really hoping I missed something in your post and maybe you're just referring to the snarky working moms that make snide comments ? Please tell me "yes". If so, then please excuse & disregard my post.

IloveJack02 says : I think she meant to say that she feels blessed to be able to be at home with her children and not to have to rely on nannies or day care to help her out while she is at work.
Is that better?

Well, I work and never relied on day care or a nanny. Occasionally grandmom was a blessing & helped me out alot----and I'll always treasure the times my kids got to spend with her because she was wonderful. We lost her in 2004, but I'll always be thankful for the nurturing person she was to my children and what a wonderful help she was to me over the years we had her with us.
Over the years since we've had children we found other ways to work it out. I worked the graveyard shift for 11 years while the kids were young. I'd often go 24-30 hours with no sleep, but coffee was my best friend. I'd get home at 7:45 am, kiss my dh goodbye as he went off to work and be home with the kids all day until I had to leave for work again at 10 pm.
Even now, while I don't work the graveyard anymore, my dh and I still work opposite shifts so there is usually one of us home with them. So I feel blessed that we've been able to work this all out and done what was best for our family. I give ALL moms the utmost credit and praise for making it work for their families ! We all have our uphill challenges.
Thanks, now it's better

 

[Beca]

How do you all respond to this question "Are you working now?"

We have a large family, and out of the family my brothers wife and I are the only SAHM's and we also homeschool. At every family gathering I am asked that same question. The other woman in my own family (aunts, cousins) make me fell like I am just lazy because I don't get up and go to work everyday. It really makes me fell bad. My kids are 16, and 11 they are both very involved in scouts, 4H and church activities. I spend half my day teaching them and the other half running a taxi service.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives that we are making really good on 1 income and have discussed that I will probably not return to work even when the kids are gone. He's planning on retiring early and were going to travel. But my family thinks everybody is supposed to work till they are at least 65.

HELP Please.

I just smile, and say, "I am blissfully now a stay-at-home mom, and I feel SOOO blessed". That has always shut everyone up.

I'm sorry you are so upset by these comments. Try not to let it bother you, and just enjoy your time with your children....they will be gone SOOO soon.

 

[kribit]

Why are people arguing? The OP asked for advice and vented a little about her family. She didn't ask for a debate on who works more SAHM or Working Moms. yikes....

 

[staley7580]

My family is constantly on back about getting a job. They think I am lazy, I dont want to do anything, Im financially putting a strain on my family. Whatever, I do whats right for us and when my kids are in school, I will go to school. Until that time comes- lay the heck off! We are happy!

 

[MiaSRN62]

Kribit says : Why are people arguing? The OP asked for advice and vented a little about her family. She didn't ask for a debate on who works more SAHM or Working Moms. yikes....

I don't consider my post argumentative personally.....it wasn't my intent. If you read it, I say I support both working and SAHM's mom's. A mom's work regardless is hard work. Just because SAHM's don't bring home a paycheck doesn't make it a less honorable profession, and just because working moms do bring home a paycheck doesn't mean they don't have all the other mom responsibilities when they get home from work.
I read every single post on this 5 page thread and agreed with 85% of what most people stated. There were only a very few isolated posts that took me by suprise and they are the ones that I quoted mostly. So only a very few posts did I find very slanted or stereotypical (such as My4kids post). For what it's worth, not all SAHM are the best moms---or "sacrifice" for their family. Just as not all working moms are only working because they want the finer things in life and don't like being home with the kids. There is a VAST middle ground and I just found it strange that My4kids could place all moms neatly into 2 groups. I wasn't going to post at all, save for that post.

But my post is supportive and praises all moms period. If you take it as argumentative, then I can't change your view on that. What you might see as a debate, some might see as varying personal experiences. Sharing of what works for them. There are many ways to make things work and still be a good mom. No single mom's family situation is the same. We shouldn't let anyone make us feel bad for what we do to make our families work. And I do sympathize with the OP for how her family treats her. I think she received alot of very supportive posts on this thread.

 

[juliejody]

I truly did not mean to offend anyone. I've been a working mom (briefly) and a sahm. Neither is easy. And, I know that not everyone has a choice. I just meant that I consider it a blessing to have a choice and I'm happy with the choice I made. Please accept my apology for the unfortunate wording I used.

 

[MiaSRN62]

I truly did not mean to offend anyone. I've been a working mom (briefly) and a sahm. Neither is easy. And, I know that not everyone has a choice. I just meant that I consider it a blessing to have a choice and I'm happy with the choice I made. Please accept my apology for the unfortunate wording I used.

I agree with this Julie.....and it's often a sacrifice to both stay at home and be a working mom. I feel we all make sacrifices to do what we have to do. We shouldn't be questioned for our decisions by anyone. The reasons we all do what we do are very much personal and private for the most part and I'll never understand why some choose to stereotype ---and this goes for ALL moms. There's enough guilty feelings that go around on both sides of the coin. We should all support eachother in what good jobs we do

 

[Deesknee]

How do you all respond to this question "Are you working now?"


HELP Please.

....."more than ever" End of story.

 

[Twingle]

....."more than ever" End of story.

Love, love, love, LOVE this. Short, sweet, not snarky, too the point, and OH SO TRUE (at least, in my case it is!).

 

[my4kids]

Huh ?
Am I missing something in translation here ? I am a working mom. And just because I work out of the house, does not mean I don't come home and have to do all the same things SAHM do ? I'm home when my kids get home from school. I do the taxi service thing to after school activities, do all the laundy, food shopping, take kids to the doctor....and work out of the house during the day. But I guess I'd fall in the 2nd group of moms you mentioned My4kids ? While I am not jealous of SAHM, it would be nice to not have to work outside the home because I have a very stressful job (labor and delivery/high risk pregnancy RN). Most times I come home so exhausted, but I push myself. I think ALL moms encounter problems and have to justify themselves from time to time. It's unfair, because we all have our reasons for doing what we do or have to do. I must be in group #3 which you did not list My4kids. That is the group that loves their kids and does whatever they can for them, yet still has to contribute to the household paycheck. To say, that because I work it means I'd rather cut off my arm than be with my kids ? Also, I recall the years when my kids were young, I was one of the few working moms and I would sometimes get looked down upon by them. Standing at the bus stop I was never part of their "in" playgroups or tea times etc. So working and SAHM face judgemental people. The grass is not always greener.....

I'm really hoping I missed something in your post and maybe you're just referring to the snarky working moms that make snide comments ? Please tell me "yes". If so, then please excuse & disregard my post.


Well, I work and never relied on day care or a nanny. Occasionally grandmom was a blessing----and I'll always treasure the times my kids got to spend with her because she was wonderful. We lost her in 2004, but I'll always be thankful for the nurturing person she was to my children and what a wonderful help she was to me over the years we had her with us.
Over the years since we've had children we found other ways to work it out. I worked the graveyard shift for 11 years while the kids were young. I'd often go 24-30 hours with no sleep, but coffee was my best friend. I'd get home at 7:45 am, kiss my dh goodbye as he went off to work and be home with the kids all day until I had to leave for work again at 10 pm.
Even now, while I don't work the graveyard anymore, my dh and I still work opposite shifts so there is usually one of us home with them. So I feel blessed that we've been able to work this all out and done what was best for our family. I give ALL moms the utmost credit and praise for making it work for their families ! We all have our uphill challenges.
Thanks, now it's better

This is what you missed in my post - I don't know you. Therefore, you don't fall in to either group. I was referring to the 2 groups of mom that I know. Since I am fortunate to live in an affluent area, I don't know many people around me in my neighborhood that HAVE TO work. They (the women that I personally know) work because they want to. Some of them would tell you that they have to, but what they mean is they have to work to finance the vacations, the fancy SUV's, the expensive private schools, designer everything, bigger houses, etc. If they really wanted to be home with their kids, they could more than afford to do so, it just would mean they might not have a new SUV every 2 years, and might have to go to the carribean every other year instead of every year. I am more than aware that there are plenty of moms who would love to be home with their kids but truly need to work to meet the bills. I just don't know any personally.

My SIL would tell you that she "has to work" to pay the morgage. and she does because the just bought a 5 bedroom house, even though they only have 2 kids. If she had stayed in her nice 3 bedroom house that was payed off, she would not have to work.. I honestly think she moved just to justify her still working and being able to say "she has to work" She likes working, she doesn't have to. And yes, she would cut off her right arm before she would ever stay home full time with her kids. Those are the people I was talking about.

 

[MiaSRN62]

Thanks for coming back to clarify My4kids. It's truly a shame though, that those are the only kinds of working moms you know. Because there is a vast....huge middle ground of us working moms who are not even remotely close to the types of working moms you know. Even the SAHM's seem to fit very neatly (stereotypically) into your groups. I work with an OBGYN---nicest guy. His wife is an RN and she came to work with us in the Del Room. Unfortunately, she couldn't juggle it all with her dh's difficult schedule of long office hours and on-call time in labor and delivery so she quit after 3 months. But she often comes in to visit him with the kids when he's on-call and says she misses working occasionally. So here is a SAHM who really doesn't choose to stay at home, but is sort of forced into it.

I know several SAHM's who would love to work and don't particularily want to be home 24/7, but do so because the amount of net money they would bring home from working, would just almost cover the cost of daycare/babysitting so they are pretty much forced into staying home. No big sacrifices here. I'm just pointing out that the world of SAHM and working moms is huge and greatly overflows from your two specific groups. Life is not all black and white. Alot of us make choices we're not particularily thrilled with. Those of us that can make the kind of choices we really want are truly blessed.

Whatever a woman's choice to either work or SAH, it their personal decision and I'm sure they have their reasons and I'm sure there is more than one reason. It can be a very difficult decision to make on either side and we need to give credit to them.

But I did say in my above quoted post, that I perhaps lost something in translation when I quoted you and I'm glad to see I did. Thanks again for coming back to explain exactly what you meant.