All SAHM's please HELP!!

[Worfiedoodles]

Even though I'm going to get flamed, I seem to feel the need to post here. I am not a SAHM. I always thought I wanted to be. Having a career seemed like something other people did. My mom was at home when all my friends moms were working.

I suppose we could get by if I didn't work...but we wouldn't have a mortgage because we couldn't afford a home. We would not take vacations. We wouldn't be able to do any of the extras I missed out on as a kid because we were living on one salary. And I did miss them. I hated the fact that I didn't have nice clothes, vacations, couldn't buy my lunch at school, etc. I deeply resented that my mother didn't get a job and support us. She did not get up with me in the mornings, I had to get myself to school. She did not have anything waiting for me when I got home in the afternoons. She was so busy with her volunteer work, it's not like we spent all this quality time together.

So, although I'm sure it's not the case with the OP or any of you fine ladies, just because the mother is in the home doesn't mean the kids are getting constant attention. It is possible that the other family members know of situations where the SAHM is not quite so focused on the kids, and they are applying that experience to your situation.

I am happy at work, and I enjoy having a career. Nothing hurts me more than when someone says "I didn't have this child for someone else to raise" or "you only work so you can take fancy vacations". The cost of our vacations isn't 5% of my salary. We are funding retirement, college savings, oil, electricity, gas, and oh yeah, that pesky little mortgage. I love my child deeply (you all know the feeling!), and for someone to imply otherwise is beyond offensive.

I'm not jealous of SAHM's, and I respect your decision to do what works for your family. I know it's kind of confrontational, but perhaps the OP could say that she respects their decisions to do what's right for their families, so why can't they respect hers? I think that would shut someone right up, especially if they weren't well-meaning in the comments.

I know there are stories, and many of you have them, about how your mothers worked and so you wouldn't do that, because you missed having her at home. I think we are all shaped by our unique situations, and the family members the OP encounters are bringing what they have to the table. If they've never encountered home schooling before, they have no idea of the time commitment, effort, and difficulty required. Perhaps you could find a way to bring lesson plans up, or let them know about how your children have to pass state tests, etc., so they realize that you are not eating bonbons all day. I suspect this is what they are thinking, and that they haven't really thought about what goes into your day.

I know this rambled. Just trying to give a little bit from the other side...

 

[stacy6552]

I always say, "Nope. I got me a sugar daddy."

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I always say, "Nope. I got me a sugar daddy."

 

[Whosemom]

Lovablegluttons, breathe sweetie, whoever is being mean to you, it wasn't here! Obviously though, someone has really been kicking you, so we'll love you anyway!

I'm at that next stage that someone else mentioned - my baby is in kindergarten three days a week, and I'm already hearing some, "are you going back to work"s. But, I've been blessed with a work-at-home job thats really taking off. Let me tell you, thats the best and worst of both worlds. I'm here, I can mostly schedule around feild trips and party days, but if there's some meeting I HAVE to go to, what do I do with Kindy-boy if its a no-school day?

Anyway, I think alot of times WE load the question. I ask new ladies at church if they work outside the home just so I can know what Bible studies are taking place when they could go. I could just invite them to the Friday morning one, but then I could get slammed for "assuming everyone stays home." You can't win So anyway, I'm also in the camp that just says, "no"

 

[LovableGluttons]

Thanks. No, it wasn't here at the DIS that I first heard that I was letting someone else raise my kids. It is an old, tired argument.

I posted because there are careers out there that need people to sacrifice to be available in times of need, even life or death. Thsi is somethign people do not address in these WM vs SAHM posts on message boards.

Because of some of us, if you need to go to the Emergency Room at night, go into Labor, need a Police Officer, Firewoman, someone to teach your kids, we are there.

I have never had an issue with SAHMs, my Mom was one, as was DH's Mom.

I just felt a great societal responsibility not to abandon my patients. My kids are healthy, happy, intelligent, well adjusted, and raised by their Mom and Dad. My husband is terrific with my children, he deserves to have a hand in raising them too.

It is a relief for me to know that there are other people out there sacrificing family and sleep time to be there in times of crisis, to teach my kids, to provide the things we need to support our life.

Its a shame that it ends up seeming like something that needs defending. KWIM?

 

[Worfiedoodles]

Thanks. No, it wasn't here at the DIS that I first heard that I was letting someone else raise my kids. It is an old, tired argument.

I posted because there are careers out there that need people to sacrifice to be available in times of need, even life or death. Thsi is somethign people do not address in these WM vs SAHM posts on message boards.

I agree with you LovableGluttons. I work building housing and providing services for the homeless. Last week at night it was -12 on the streets of Boston. Without outreach teams out there, people would have died. There are women on these teams, women who have children. Many work at night while their husbands work during the day, trying to create a good life for their children. The women that are in the emergency rooms, on the fire crews, in the police stations, many have children. They are doing jobs that are needed, and they should be commended. But it's not just those moms. The moms stocking shelves at Target, checking you out at the grocery store, giving you your dry cleaning...just because they work does not mean they don't care about their children, or care about them less. It could be that they feel so responsible for their children, they are not willing to be on welfare and expect the other working women to pay for it...I have a friend who is a SAHM on welfare, and her favorite line when anyone even gently suggests she do something to bring income into the household is "I didn't have these children for someone else to raise". Well, apparently not to raise, but definitely to pay for...

 

[beattyfamily]

How is that every single SAHM thread becomes a debate and/or a battle?

OP only wanted to vent a little and ask for help regarding things people say to her about being a SAHM and so she asked for support and advice from other SAHMs. It doesn't mean the SAHMs posting here are attacking working moms, really it doesn't.

I just don't get it.

 

[Worfiedoodles]

How is that every single SAHM thread becomes a debate and/or a battle?

OP only wanted to vent a little and ask for help regarding things people say to her about being a SAHM and so she asked for support and advice from other SAHMs. It doesn't mean the SAHMs posting here are attacking working moms, really it doesn't.

I just don't get it.

I was just trying to offer a different perspective on why the OPs relatives might react to her as they do and why they might think she is not "working", and I won't speak for any other poster, but I think sometimes when WMs read these posts about how much harder being a SAHM is, we get a bit defensive because most of us also do all the SAHM tasks (with the exception of homeschooling).

Perhaps OPs relatives will not listen or do not want to understand, but it might be that if she educated them about the nature of homeschooling and the work she has to do, they would cease to attack her. And my best piece of supportive advice is to not attack them for their choices while she is defending her own. This isn't a winnable debate, it's an individual choice.

 

[beattyfamily]

I was just trying to offer a different perspective on why the OPs relatives might react to her as they do and why they might think she is not "working", and I won't speak for any other poster, but I think sometimes when WMs read these posts about how much harder being a SAHM is, we get a bit defensive because most of us also do all the SAHM tasks (with the exception of homeschooling).

Perhaps OPs relatives will not listen or do not want to understand, but it might be that if she educated them about the nature of homeschooling and the work she has to do, they would cease to attack her. And my best piece of supportive advice is to not attack them for their choices while she is defending her own. This isn't a winnable debate, it's an individual choice.

I really haven't seen any SAHMs saying that. I did see one mom say that who went back to work, but I didn't see any SAHMs say that. I certainly would never say that.

 

[jodifla]

How do you all respond to this question "Are you working now?"

We have a large family, and out of the family my brothers wife and I are the only SAHM's and we also homeschool. At every family gathering I am asked that same question. The other woman in my own family (aunts, cousins) make me fell like I am just lazy because I don't get up and go to work everyday. It really makes me fell bad. My kids are 16, and 11 they are both very involved in scouts, 4H and church activities. I spend half my day teaching them and the other half running a taxi service.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives that we are making really good on 1 income and have discussed that I will probably not return to work even when the kids are gone. He's planning on retiring early and were going to travel. But my family thinks everybody is supposed to work till they are at least 65.

HELP Please.

Since this is family asking you this, and not just in general people that you might meet, I'd say they do have a whole agenda going on. They may not don't approve of the homeschooling thing, for example, and might think your time might be better spent working.

Really, all you can do (since they are family) is tell them that your schedule is pretty full with two busy kids.

It's your life and you get to live it, but whenever you step out of the mainstream, there's bound to be questions. And family can be the worst about it, since they often feel they can push you harder.

 

[mericletwins]

Mericle Twins, you've expressed my thoughts perfectly! The less drama the better. We thought long and hard before I became a SAHM. Some days are tough, and I wish I were at a desk job. But big picture, we made a good choice for our family.

Thanks!

 

[mericletwins]

No one else raised them and it show's!

I know that this wasn't meant to be offensive, but I think it is remarks like this that cause ******* between the two camps. It implies that children that go to daycare or do not have SAHparent are not equal in some sense: behavior, academic, emotional stability, etc.

I have seen many children that have gone to daycare far and away above some children that have SAHMs and vice versa. This is such a personal choice for each family and mother that I feel sad when there is criticism, implied or stated, whether intentionally or not.

Have been home with a mom or having gone to daycare has pros and cons to each. It really makes no difference in the long run. Do whatever is right for your family and your situation and don't feel that you have to defend your choice. If you are happy with your decision, then it is what it is.

 

[Traveliz]

How do you all respond to this question "Are you working now?"

We have a large family, and out of the family my brothers wife and I are the only SAHM's and we also homeschool. At every family gathering I am asked that same question. The other woman in my own family (aunts, cousins) make me fell like I am just lazy because I don't get up and go to work everyday. It really makes me fell bad. My kids are 16, and 11 they are both very involved in scouts, 4H and church activities. I spend half my day teaching them and the other half running a taxi service.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives that we are making really good on 1 income and have discussed that I will probably not return to work even when the kids are gone. He's planning on retiring early and were going to travel. But my family thinks everybody is supposed to work till they are at least 65.

HELP Please.

I tell everyone I am the CEO of Chez "our last name."

They have to think a minute but it takes them a moment and that is the end of that.

Liz

 

[delilah]

I am a working mother and a family physician, fallling into the catergory of somebody whose work is essential to the health and well-being of the community outside of my family. My job is to "save lives". I am one of those lucky people, like ER nurses and EMTs who are first responders to health crises of all types. I never know on any given day what is going to be on my schedule, or what is going to walk in my door. I am expected to never make any mistakes, and if I do, and I do because I am human, there is the ever present threat of malpractice.

This past week, the principal of the school wrote a piece in the weekly newletter thanking the SAHMs by name for things that they do at school during the school day, like volunteering at the receptionist desk and lunch room. Now, that is just dandy, but, a few weeks ago, I took a day off from my busy office schedule to judge the science fair. The winners of the science fair were named, but the judges were not mentioned or thanked, and they were, specifically, my husband, a research chemist; myself, a family physician; the most recent ex-principal of the school, who was a science teacher and now an educational consultant, and another working mom, also a chemist. Two were retired scientists. I also have taken time out of my work day to speak to the middle school science classes, but I am not mentioned by name, just a general statement that the "members of the science committee give demonstrations to the science classes".

I have felt torn because I have had my son in daycare, and I feel torn when I cannot work late because I must pick my son up at school. My life is one major guilt trip. Do I think I work harder than a SAHM? I don't know. I know my house doesn't clean itself, and that somebody has to cook, shop and organize household finances. I think this work is less taxing and more relaxing than my day to day tasks in direct patient care. Does that answer the question? I love the time I get to spend in activities with my son, and I really enjoy helping him learn. This is a pleasure to me, and not work.

I do think that excessive guilt is placed on working mothers, and that generally, their contributions are underappreciated, by coworkers and other moms.

Some last observations based on 20 years experience seeing pediatric patients: 1. Children who go to preschool/daycare almost invariable know their alphabet and can count beyond twenty before starting kindergarten. My son already knew how to read basic books and knew basic arithmetic. He is and has always been in the highest reading/math groups, and has scored in the top 10% nationally on standardized tests. The same is not generally true of children cared for at home. 2. Home schooled teens get pregnant as frequently as those in the public schools, in my experience with my patients. Homeschooling is not a panacea for society's ills. It only isolates and delays experiences.

 

[beattyfamily]

I am a working mother and a family physician, fallling into the catergory of somebody whose work is essential to the health and well-being of the community outside of my family. My job is to "save lives". I am one of those lucky people, like ER nurses and EMTs who are first responders to health crises of all types. I never know on any given day what is going to be on my schedule, or what is going to walk in my door. I am expected to never make any mistakes, and if I do, and I do because I am human, there is the ever present threat of malpractice.

This past week, the principal of the school wrote a piece in the weekly newletter thanking the SAHMs by name for things that they do at school during the school day, like volunteering at the receptionist desk and lunch room. Now, that is just dandy, but, a few weeks ago, I took a day off from my busy office schedule to judge the science fair. The winners of the science fair were named, but the judges were not mentioned or thanked, and they were, specifically, my husband, a research chemist; myself, a family physician; the most recent ex-principal of the school, who was a science teacher and now an educational consultant, and another working mom, also a chemist. Two were retired scientists. I also have taken time out of my work day to speak to the middle school science classes, but I am not mentioned by name, just a general statement that the "members of the science committee give demonstrations to the science classes".

I have felt torn because I have had my son in daycare, and I feel torn when I cannot work late because I must pick my son up at school. My life is one major guilt trip. Do I think I work harder than a SAHM? I don't know. I know my house doesn't clean itself, and that somebody has to cook, shop and organize household finances. I think this work is less taxing and more relaxing than my day to day tasks in direct patient care. Does that answer the question? I love the time I get to spend in activities with my son, and I really enjoy helping him learn. This is a pleasure to me, and not work.

I do think that excessive guilt is placed on working mothers, and that generally, their contributions are underappreciated, by coworkers and other moms.

Again, who here in this thread, who is a SAHM, said that they work harder than working mom? Could you quote them because I must have missed it.

The bolded part could possibly add fuel to the fire of the continuous SAHM/working mom debate. And so it continues.

I don't understand why a working mom would click on a thread that says "All SAHMs please help". If I saw a thread that read: "Working Moms, unite!" or "All working moms please help" I wouldn't even open the thread because it has nothing to do with me but that's just how I am.

 

[jodifla]

Again, who here in this thread, who is a SAHM, said that they work harder than working mom? Could you quote them because I must have missed it.

The bolded part could possibly add fuel to the fire of the continuous SAHM/working mom debate. And so it continues.

I don't understand why a working mom would click on a thread that says "All SAHMs please help". If I saw a thread that read: "Working Moms, unite!" or "All working moms please help" I wouldn't even open the thread because it has nothing to do with me but that's just how I am.

I think you should reread some of the SAHM answers, many of whom say, "This is the hardest job I've ever had."

My opinion, having done both, is that SAHMs are kidding themselves, or they haven't had very demanding jobs, or they are making the SAHM thing into some sort of martyr syndrome.

 

[beattyfamily]

I think you should reread some of the SAHM answers, many of whom say, "This is the hardest job I've ever had."

My opinion, having done both, is that SAHMs are kidding themselves, or they haven't had very demanding jobs, or they are making the SAHM thing into some sort of martyr syndrome.

I would love some quotes because I've read this whole thread and didn't see anything like that. Like I said, I did see one person who was a SAHM and is now working say that being a SAHM was harder for her than working but that's the only one I remember. I guess I'll have to re-read this whole thread because some are seeing things I don't.

Things were going fine and then all of the sudden, BAM!

 

[jodifla]

I would love some quotes because I've read this whole thread and didn't see anything like that. Like I said, I did see one person who was a SAHM and is now working say that being a SAHM was harder for her than working but that's the only one I remember. I guess I'll have to re-read this whole thread because some are seeing things I don't.

Things were going fine and then all of the sudden, BAM!

Take a look at posts 2, 3, 4 to start. Then 14 and 17.

 

[beattyfamily]

Take a look at posts 2, 3, 4 to start. Then 14 and 17.

I just did, thanks, and only post #4 mentions that being a SAHM is "one of the hardest jobs in the world" so I guess I'll give you that one, but I didn't see in the others you mentioned, moms saying that being a SAHM was harder than working, only that it was their decision to do so and also talked about how to respond to the OP's family. I could see though how post #3 could be considered a bit snarky to working moms, actually, definitely snarky.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

My opinion, having done both, is that SAHMs are kidding themselves, or they haven't had very demanding jobs, or they are making the SAHM thing into some sort of martyr syndrome.

I don't know why you have to make snarky remarks about being a SAHM. Just a little FYI I happen to have a highly demanding job that many people can't even handle. Not a pat on my back- just fact. I am on a very long child care leave since I have had my kids so close together. Anyway- Having worked, been a working Mom and a SAHM I still think that while I don't think it's hard being home (as in digging ditches hard) alot more goes into how I care for my kids than anything else in the world - including my job- as I am sure every mother feels as well. So..... while my job was demanding, I still had a set lunch hour, coffee breaks, toilet breaks without an audience, and set hours to end my day. So in that aspect of course it was easier! Do I love being home with my kids no matter how demanding? You betcha! I love and treasure every minute with them! (as do all parents I am sure). Do I consider it work? Nope! Work is something you have to do and maybe don't want to. Being home with my kids is bliss!

Now I have to go and make sure that the kids turn on the lights so everyone can see the statue that they built in my honor on the front lawn.