Age to Get Married: For Your Kids

[suebeelin]

If it was totally up to you, what age would you like to see your child wait for before marrying? Or if not an age, are there certain life experiences you would like for them to have before marrying?

They are 4 and 7 now.

I'm turning 46 in a week or so.

So, I would like to meet my grandkids but I don't want them marrying too early.

Personally, I think you should be 33-35 before marrying. Parentally (my made up word), I hope they have kids at 26 out of wedlock with a down to earth girl... then they can decide to get married if they decide they are right for each other.

Or they can just co parent maturely.

Sigh. In a perfect world....

 

[indimom]

As long as they have a plan and can support themselves, I'm okay with any age. (Easy for me to say, my kids are 17 and nearly 20 and we haven't had a date yet. )

But, DH and I married at 22. I was fresh out of college and working my first job, he was fresh out of the Marines and starting his first job with no degree. We had our first child at 24 and our second at 27. We are pushing our mid-40s and have an almost empty nest. Being younger when we married was never an issue. If we wanted to travel, we traveled. We had a small "dead zone" when the kids were super young (under 5), but once they were old enough, we just brought them along.
While we both have friends (our own and a few couples we associate with together), we were never really the "travel with friends" type. (He went on one friend trip, I've been on two that I can remember.) We do travel with family (brothers or sisters) from time to time.
And we are definitely not the "travel the world" type. We enjoy simpler pleasures: camping, going to the drive-in with friends, dinner out with our parents, and going for a ride on the motorcycle. We take a vacation every couple years, camping or beach or museums and theme parks are our preferences. Our age at marriage never put a damper on any of those, and of course we could do that on any budget, even a 'starting career' budget with two kids.

Even a degree is no guarantee that life will follow the path you set. I had a degree before marriage. I ended up hating that career, so I worked in another field (with an associates degree I earned on weekends) for 16 years. Then at almost 40, (with two teens) I went back to school for anotherdegree (RN) and am working in that field now. I could never have survived this job at 22, I was way too high strung and nervous. I would have cried daily. lol. I've built up my confidence and backbone through a lifetime and now it's such an awesome job and I love it! Life can change and as long as you have a supportive partner, you can go through anything together just as easy as you can when single.

 

[luvsJack]

They are 4 and 7 now.

I'm turning 46 in a week or so.

So, I would like to meet my grandkids but I don't want them marrying too early.

Personally, I think you should be 33-35 before marrying. Parentally (my made up word), I hope they have kids at 26 out of wedlock with a down to earth girl... then they can decide to get married if they decide they are right for each other.

Or they can just co parent maturely.

Sigh. In a perfect world....

Can I ask why you would rather they have kids at 26 and not get married until much later? Just curious.

Younger son has two kids with his ex wife. While he was single, they co parented fine. Now that he is in a relationship, it's a struggle. Not sure if she is jealous or what but she just gives him lots of trouble. It's like she wants to prove to the gf that she is queen bee or something. I like his gf a lot but think often how much easier it would be if they got back together.

 

[MamaBelle4]

They are 4 and 7 now.

I'm turning 46 in a week or so.

So, I would like to meet my grandkids but I don't want them marrying too early.

Personally, I think you should be 33-35 before marrying. Parentally (my made up word), I hope they have kids at 26 out of wedlock with a down to earth girl... then they can decide to get married if they decide they are right for each other.

Or they can just co parent maturely.

Sigh. In a perfect world....

Having kids is a much bigger commitment than marriage. I really don't understand this mindset.

 

[suebeelin]

Having kids is a much bigger commitment than marriage. I really don't understand this mindset.

It is exactly bc having kids is way more important than a peice of paper that I prioritize having kids before marriage.

That was my timeline. I was 38 with the birth of my 7yr old; I was 42 with my now 4yr old. I married their biological father when my 4yr old was a month old. Maybe bc I am an older mother with a successful career, marriage just seemed unimportant. The father is likewise accomplished, maybe even more so.

A commitment does not require marriage; Marriage does not necessarily force a commitment.

Imo, bc we both prioritized the children, we were very much committed to them. Marrying was and is secondary to the kids, and was done so more out of convention.

Different strokes for different folks. I know I wouldn't have it any other way, and would possibly be unhappy or divorced if I had gone the "traditional" path.

 

[suebeelin]

Can I ask why you would rather they have kids at 26 and not get married until much later? Just curious.

Younger son has two kids with his ex wife. While he was single, they co parented fine. Now that he is in a relationship, it's a struggle. Not sure if she is jealous or what but she just gives him lots of trouble. It's like she wants to prove to the gf that she is queen bee or something. I like his gf a lot but think often how much easier it would be if they got back together.

The only reason I would prefer my kids to have kids MUCH earlier than I is bc I want to meet and play with (and even take care of) at least one grandchild before I am decrepit.

I'm 46 in a week. I'm being a tad selfish in my desire to meet grandchildren.

If my kids have a child when they are 26, I'll be 64 and 68, respectively. If they decide to have kids when I had kids, I'll be 76+.

My mom is now 73 and there's a huge difference in her health in only 7 years. It makes me think about my own mortality.

However, I do believe my age and experience has made a huge difference in my perspective and expectations. I was very emotionally high maintenance in my early 20's, self involved in my late 20's, and career driven in my early 30's. If I had children or married earlier than 33, I do not think i would have been mature or financially secure enough to navigate the life I currently have.

 

[luvsJack]

The only reason I would prefer my kids to have kids MUCH earlier than I is bc I want to meet and play with (and even take care of) at least one grandchild before I am decrepit.

I'm 46 in a week. I'm being a tad selfish in my desire to meet grandchildren.

If my kids have a child when they are 26, I'll be 64 and 68, respectively. If they decide to have kids when I had kids, I'll be 76+.

My mom is now 73 and there's a huge difference in her health in only 7 years. It makes me think about my own mortality.

However, I do believe my age and experience has made a huge difference in my perspective and expectations. I was very emotionally high maintenance in my early 20's, self involved in my late 20's, and career driven in my early 30's. If I had children or married earlier than 33, I do not think i would have been mature or financially secure enough to navigate the life I currently have.

Ahh, I see. I get your reasoning and it makes sense. Just not what I want for dd. I want her to have someone who adores her and that she can enjoy life with and having kids just enhances the whole thing.

Just the whole co-parenting thing can be hard on both parents and the children. Especially if marriage and commitment between the parents isn't on the horizon (doesn't sound like that was a problem in your case).

 

[QueenIsabella]

It is exactly bc having kids is way more important than a peice of paper that I prioritize having kids before marriage.

That was my timeline. I was 38 with the birth of my 7yr old; I was 42 with my now 4yr old. I married their biological father when my 4yr old was a month old. Maybe bc I am an older mother with a successful career, marriage just seemed unimportant. The father is likewise accomplished, maybe even more so.

A commitment does not require marriage; Marriage does not necessarily force a commitment.

Imo, bc we both prioritized the children, we were very much committed to them. Marrying was and is secondary to the kids, and was done so more out of convention.

Different strokes for different folks. I know I wouldn't have it any other way, and would possibly be unhappy or divorced if I had gone the "traditional" path.

Sorry, that just seems weird to me. I'm an older mom, too--42 when my youngest was born--and I would rather see my grandchildren growing up in a stable home with two parents who are 100% committed to them. In your scenario, the future spouse might (or might not) be the children's biological parent, which can lead to a whole slew of conflicts, from being less committed to their future to differences in parenting style. Read any thread ever written on step-parents--there are too many issues to count! Now, I realize this is just you looking at your perfect scenario for you, and I do understand wanting to be able to enjoy grandkids. It would never, ever be the path I would choose for my children, though.

 

[disykat]

I've always thought the "ideal" age to marry was between 24 and 27. I ended up marrying at 29 because I had to wait for the right person and obviously that trumped ideal age! I feel the same for my boys.

One thing that no one has mentioned yet is parental financial help. My boys knew that marriage meant financial independence from us. Since we were offering to pay tuition for four years after high school for our dependents, they knew it was financially in their best interest to wait until that was accomplished even if they met the right person before then. Now they are 24 and 22, so I hope the right person for each of them comes along.

 

[cjbcam]

I hope my kids find their partners early in life. I married my high school sweetheart. We got engaged at 19 married at 22, kids at 23,25,28&31. I see my cousins one that is just a little older than me (she's 38) and one that's 33, they are struggling with dating and are very lonely. I love the fact that my DH and I have been there for each other and have so many memories that we share.
Even my DH sister didn't get married until last year, she's 43 he's 45, they feel like they've lost their chances to ever have kids.
In the long run I don't care as long as they are happy with their life.

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

I'm going to go against the grain & say sooner than later, ditto for having kids. I married at 27, kids born at 33 & 38. It didn't make our youth any easier & now all our friends are empty nesters while I'm worrying about 1st time drivers & upcoming college expenses.

This sounds like me. I was 28 when married, 34 with 1st daughter, and 37 with my son. I've went to birthday parties that I attended school with the kids grandparents.
Like most I just want my kids to be happy, but I do wish I'd started out earlier with kids.

 

[Pooh2]

I was married at 19. Celebrating our 33rd anniversary next month.
Our kids were 22, 23 and 24 years old.

 

[AppleDumpling]

Ideally at least 22-23, after dating for at least 1-2 years. I think the most important thing is that it's the right person and you know each other well before making a lifetime commitment. Even if you have "love at first sight", I don't think it's something to rush into.

And if you don't find who you feel in your heart is "the one" until you're 30 or 35 or 40, that's fine too. I don't think you should "settle" and get married just because society expects you to by a certain age. Or because your parents want grandchildren.

 

[Colleen27]

One thing that no one has mentioned yet is parental financial help. My boys knew that marriage meant financial independence from us. Since we were offering to pay tuition for four years after high school for our dependents, they knew it was financially in their best interest to wait until that was accomplished even if they met the right person before then. Now they are 24 and 22, so I hope the right person for each of them comes along.

I don't see us drawing that line. We had help from family when we were just starting out, our parents had help from their parents, etc. I expect we'll do the same with our kids, helping with a down payment or appliances for a new home or even just a hand-me-down vehicle, and none of that hinges on marital status. I can't see making college funding/support or other help contingent on not marrying unless we had specific reasons to object to the marriage.

 

[disykat]

I don't see us drawing that line. We had help from family when we were just starting out, our parents had help from their parents, etc. I expect we'll do the same with our kids, helping with a down payment or appliances for a new home or even just a hand-me-down vehicle, and none of that hinges on marital status. I can't see making college funding/support or other help contingent on not marrying unless we had specific reasons to object to the marriage.

Just a different viewpoint on when financial independence happens I guess. In my family, marriage doesn't happen until after financial dependence has ended. For several generations none of us of had financial help from parents after marriage.

 

[Cinderella94]

I don't see us drawing that line. We had help from family when we were just starting out, our parents had help from their parents, etc. I expect we'll do the same with our kids, helping with a down payment or appliances for a new home or even just a hand-me-down vehicle, and none of that hinges on marital status. I can't see making college funding/support or other help contingent on not marrying unless we had specific reasons to object to the marriage.

Just a different viewpoint on when financial independence happens I guess. In my family, marriage doesn't happen until after financial dependence has ended. For several generations none of us of had financial help from parents after marriage.

I don't know, I see what you both are saying, but what Colleen27 is talking about isn't what I would consider "financial dependence." It sounds like her kids can still be fully financially independent if they needed to, and the help is akin to a gift. Accepting a gift doesn't make one dependent, to me. Maybe I'm projecting because what Colleen27 describes is how it has worked in my family as well, and my comment applies to us.

 

[Poohlove]

My ex and I had our son when we were 20/21 and our daughter at 22/23, I was very young and naïve and he was immature. We were high school sweethearts. A lot of people pushed for us to get married but I always said it is easier to break up than divorce and we didn't own anything more than a junk car and hand me down furniture. I grew up in a home with two parents who fought constantly and had a messy divorce. All I knew at that age was that I didn't want the same for my children. We split when out children were 2 and 4 and while I admit that there have been times where I miss that "family" I know that it was the right decision to make. We co-parent very well and I know that if we stayed together none of us would be where we are today.

I thought seriously about how old I'd like my kids to be to take them seriously when talking about marriage and there really isn't an age. There is more a level of maturity and I have a lot of ideas of the kind of person I would like to see them with. At the end of the day as long as they are happy and healthy and the relationship is too, that is all I need. The marriage part to me is just a formality (and a legal right to half of your spouse's stuff).