Advice

[rysmomma242]

Any advice for a stay home mommy that is thinking about divorce?? I have nothing of my own anymore except my amazing babies. I feel trapped...

 

[Pastamom]

Sorry to hear you are feeling this....

Not sure what your situation is, but have you thought about counseling?

 

[happily single]

Consult an attorney asap. They will be able to tell you approximately what you would receive in child support, how the bills and property would be divided, etc. Normally attorneys do not charge for a consultation.

Its a very difficult and private decision to make and wishing you all the hugs.

 

[Tink-aholic]

I agree and to you.

My only advice is to get a job immediately. You need to be able to support your children and being dependent on your husband won't work any more.

If you need education to get the job you want, now is the time to go. Talk with employment counselors or check on the internet what will give you the best income for the least cost/time for education. In many areas, healthcare is easy to get into and can give you a nice wage, benefits, and retirement.

Remember, there is a reason why there are so many deadbeat stories out there. The only one you can count on to take care of you is you. Lesser women have done it, and you can too.

Good luck.

 

[Luvchefmic]

I'm going to take a different perspective on this: How old are your children? Do you have any friends/emotional support ? Are you possibly feeling "trapped" because your whole world is the kids and the house & your husband is working and you feel he's neglecting you? Do you really want a divorce or are you thinking life would be better if your circumstances change?
Does HE know what you're feeling? You don't even have to answer here..just think about it. I wish you peace with whatever happens

 

[*pixie*dust*]

Consult an attorney. Start looking for a job immediately unless your husband has a very secure, high paying job and you have significant savings. Child support wil be awarded but how you get it and how often is spotty at best.

Think long and hard about your situation, as this will be the hardest thing you have ever done. Supporting yourself and your children when you have been a SAHM is a very scary and daunting task. Now I am not advocating that you stay in a relationship if it is abusive or miserable. I am just saying it won't be easy and you will have to work HARD. But as another poster mentioned -- it can be done. Best of luck to you and your children.

 

[sookie]

if he is abusive - make a plan and leave as soon as it is safe. but plan beforehand and be stealthy about it. make copies of documents to take with you before you go. make plans so you can take the kids too where you will all be safe.
if he is not abusive but you are miserable:
try to make a plan. if you have no education, try to go back to school and start on that so that when you decide to leave - you will have a way to support yourself.
try to go to counseling. we all go through bad times with our spouses... but we can get through them.
if that doesn't work out then, you have a plan and a way to support yourself when you do leave.

 

[Kat&Dom]

Any advice for a stay home mommy that is thinking about divorce?? I have nothing of my own anymore except my amazing babies. I feel trapped...

Although, I know nothing about your situation, I can tell you as a divorced mom of an amazing little boy that Divorce is very painful and difficult. If your husband is a good guy that has gotten so busy in life that he has forgotten how to appreciate you then let him know how lonely you feel - give him a chance to make you fall in love with him again. Marriage, especially a happy marriage, is work and sometimes people take the ones they love for granted so let him know how you feel and give him the opportunity to make it right.

If he is abusive, whether it be verbally or physically - then get out before it affects your amazing babies too much. You being a happy mom will be the best thing for your children.

I love being a single mom because I was married to a very selfish person that never put us first - he was/is a liar and a cheat and our lives are so much happier and better without him. It was actually a relief when I got the call from the other woman on Mother's Day telling me of her affair with my husband because it is so hard to leave a marriage when you are not happy and you have children.

I wish you peace of mind and happiness as you try to figure out what is the best thing for your family.

 

[wdwfan16]

I second counseling.


If you want a divorce you need a job.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Any advice for a stay home mommy that is thinking about divorce?? I have nothing of my own anymore except my amazing babies. I feel trapped...

Ok, why do you feel trapped?? Are you no longer inlove with him? Do you have family you can go to? How old are the kids?

Let me tell you a story...Once upon a time there was a 20 year old that married the man of her dreams (or so she thought). The man of her dreams, couldn't hold a job, and lied, and cheated. He promised never to do it again. At 22, the girl had baby boy 1. Her DH lost his job and they had to move (oh, he cheated on her again, with his BFF Finace). She moved with him, yet again, and was debating what to do. She lowered her guard and got pregnant again with baby boy 2. She felt she owed it to her babies to give him his final chance. During the time she was with him they had moved 9 times. Well, he was cheating again, and losing his job again. This was the straw that broke the camels back. She took DS 18 months and DS 6 months and was lucky enough to move back in with her parents. She filed for divorce, went back to college, got her degree, never heard from or saw or collected 1 dime from her dream man ever again.

The mom of 2, eventually met a real man, who loved her and her DS's. They married, had 2 more kids, and "their" eldest DS is now 26 and getting married! They all lived happily ever after!!

You need a plan, you need a support system, a job, or education to get a job, a place to live. YOu need to be able to depend on you, and not on him, since no matter what a court may say he has to do, doesn't mean he will do it. Make sure a divorce is what you want. My suggestion is to see a therapist to help you find out what it is you want, and how you can become un-trapped!!

Good luck!

 

[Mickey527]

I would suggest that you let your husband know you are unhappy and see what his reply might be. He might not even know you are unhappy. If he doesn't respond then go see a lawyer. Give him a chance, he might be so wrapped up in work and trying to make ends meet that he is not thinking of anything else. Since you are a SAHM you might not be seeing what he is going through and only thinking about how lonely you are.
I do agree however if there is any abuse you need to get out now.
As to getting a job, don't do it right now. I was told when my husband left me that if I got a job before I was divorced the court would figure I could work harder and they would give me less child support and I would have to do alot more myself. They will see that you are a SAHM now and figure the support based on that. If you do get a job after divorce your ex can take you back to court to lower it but if you can't find a job at least the court will decide on giving you enough money to support the kids till you do.
Your children are used to having mommy there for them and if you go and get a job right away and their daddy leaves they are going to be very confused. Try and stay home as much as possible and keep their lives as normal as possible for as long as you can.
I also would talk toyour husband about counselling. I tried with mine but he didn't want to, just wanted a divorce. He was bored with being married and wanted to have fun. We had 3 boys, ages 7, 5, and 18 months and he left to have "fun". He was too busy having fun to even visit his boys, but I did get $200 a month in child support. No alimony but I went back to school and became a nurse and raised my boys on my own.
Prayers for you and your children, and remember, no matter what their age, divorce is hardest on the children, always be there for them.

 

[mrsklamc]

Ok I am normally not a thread stalker but I am home sick these days....so I am going to post based on a quick search of your other threads. One thing you posted was 'he really is an amazing guy just over worked and over stressed' so I am going to assume you aren't being abused. If that is not correct take your babies and get out.

All marriages have rough times. Getting a divorce because you are going through a rough time is like cutting off your foot to get rid of an ingrown toenail. Obviously, a PP was married to a real jerk and the best thing was for her to get out of that situation. But statistically, people who get out of marriages because they are broke and unhappy, are even more broke and more unhappy 5 years later.

As a SAHM, do you feel isolated? Do you network with other SAHM's through playgroups, church, whatever? Is there a class you can take one day a week? Some people need other adult conversation during the day. Doesn't mean you are a bad mommy, it's just reality. My DH could go weeks without talking to another living soul without it bothering him much (me excluded.) Not everyone is wired like that. If your DH works all the time, and you are an extrovert and draw energy from people, that would make you feel drained and hopeless, real fast.

And lastly, only because you posted mentioned being a Christian on another thread I am going to suggest some great Christian marriage resources:

Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerichs,
For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn
and an internet radio show - the Mark Gungor Show- streamed daily at faithplace.org at 11 AM EST

Also, counseling is a great option as some mentioned, as well as telling DH what specifically is causing you to feel this way. It's pretty common for men to be stunned their wives want a divorce. They can be natural takers, and we can be natural givers, and one day the wife goes "I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT TO GIVE!" and the husband is left going "Huh? I thought we were happy?"

 

[bettymae1121]

Well, without details it's hard to say.

If being abused (verbaly or physically, and keep in mind if it's "just" verbal it can turn into "physical" someday, and it could turn physical in a hurry once you leave him) then you need to make a plan and act on it (leave) ASAP. You'll need some cash, a safe place to stay (not someplace he can find you easily) copies of all important documents (you need a snap shot of your finances BEFORE you leave) and originals of birth certs and SS cards for you and the kids. If you have documentation of the abuse (diary, medical records) you'll need those too. You'll need a lawyer and you'll need to be ready to file an order of protection (restraining order), the lawyer can help you with that as well as getting the divorce and custody rolling. In fact the moment you're in a safe place, call a lawyer, they can tell you want you need to do as far as custody is concerned and you'll want to do that ASAP, before your DH can try and claim you kidnaped the kids. Also see my paragragh below for "if it's over no matter what". Some of those suggestions will be usefully even after you are in a safe spot and have more time to work on it (especially the credit report stuff I suggest). ETA: Keep in mind a restraining order by itself may not protect you. I heard on the radio just this morning about a man near here that was charged with murder after killing a woman that had a restraining order on him. Get the order but stay somewhere that he can't find you.

However, if it's not abuse, if it's just general marrital problems (cheating, cosntant fights, neglect, or you just plan don't love him, or he doesn't love youm etc.)...then what to do next really depends on what you want to happen. Do you want to save the marriage, or are you done and just want it to be over with?

If it's over no matter what, then you'll want to do a few things but you've got time to work on this, it's nothing you need to do overnight. Get copies of all financial documents (mortgage, car loans/titles, credit card debt, other lines of credit/debt, retirement plan balances, checking/savings/misc. bank accounts). Plus, get your credit reports for not only you and your DH but the kids too (some people will take out lines of credit in their kids names, sad but true!) Even if you've previously trusted your DH financialy, it's better to be safe than sorry. You don't want to find out later there is hidden debt you didn't know about until it's too late to do anything about it. Put a freeze on the kids credit reports, this will prevent new lines being opened once you leave him (people do the most amazing things once divorce proceedings start) and put a fraud aleart on yours, this will allow you to open new lines of credit if needed but you'll be notified when it happens so if your DH tries to open up things in your name you can put a stop to it before he suceeds. You'll need to start thinking of ways to earn an income, this may mean going back to school, for sure you'll need to think of child care once you're working again. Plan on what to do if you can't afford to stay in your home. The biggest mistake most women (and a few men too I"m sure) make is trying to keep the house "for the kids" and then they can't swing the mortgage on their own and they wind up losing the house anyway. The lawyer can tell you what to expect for support, but remember ex-spouses don't always pay, you can't count on that income. If you can't swing the house payment, you need a cheaper place to live. Even if the divorce stays civil, the kids may need counseling so you'll want to look into that, you may want some counseling yourself (keeping the kids healthy and happy means keeping mom healthy and happy!).


If it's something you think can be worked on, then you need to tell your DH that you are unhappy, and that you and/or he need to make some changes and that counseling may be needed. Try not to ambush your DH though, don't hit him with this the second he walks through the door one Tuesday night. Find a sitter for the kids, try to come up with some things to say, some examples of what is wrong. Realize he may not know you're unhappy (men are not good mind readers!) and for him this could be coming totally out of the blue. Be prepared for him to tell you he's unhappy too and he's been hiding it (you never know afterall). Give him some time to process things, this marriage likely didn't go south overnight, it won't be fixed overnight either.

 

[Bren's Mom]

My best advice is counseling. Find someone to talk to. It might be that you're suffering from long term PPD. It might be that you're just stuck in a rut being a SAHM. It might be that, for you, being a SAHM is NOT best for your family (it isn't for mine, I need to work for ME). Get counseling. Your kids deserve to have a mom who is happy and fulfilled. But divorce is hard, hard, hard...so don't do it if you don't have to.

Good luck, I'll be praying for you.

 

[Marionnette]

Any advice for a stay home mommy that is thinking about divorce?? I have nothing of my own anymore except my amazing babies. I feel trapped...

A piece of advise that someone once gave me is to ask yourself this. Am I better off with him or without him? If your better off without him then make an exit plan. If your better off with him then seek counseling from a therapist or clergy member. I toughed it out and now Im glad I did. But those years of being a SAHM with two small kids was really rough. Having a strong network of women friends helped me thru it. They made me realize that I wasnt alone. Ill pray for you. It sounds like you need it right now.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

OP, I went back and read some of your old posts regarding your DH. It sounds like there have been some money issues and disagreements this year. I know you were very far apart in your desire to go on the last WDW trip. Is your desire to leave a build up of small things? If so, counseling could really help.

Not that money should be the only decision maker but it does need to play into this plan. Both you and your husband will have a reduced income and a lower standard of living after a divorce. Also, keep in mind that you will most likely share custody and you will have to work outside the home. That means much less time with your children. Those are all life changing events.

 

[ohlas]

Ok, why do you feel trapped?? Are you no longer inlove with him? Do you have family you can go to? How old are the kids?

Let me tell you a story...Once upon a time there was a 20 year old that married the man of her dreams (or so she thought). The man of her dreams, couldn't hold a job, and lied, and cheated. He promised never to do it again. At 22, the girl had baby boy 1. Her DH lost his job and they had to move (oh, he cheated on her again, with his BFF Finace). She moved with him, yet again, and was debating what to do. She lowered her guard and got pregnant again with baby boy 2. She felt she owed it to her babies to give him his final chance. During the time she was with him they had moved 9 times. Well, he was cheating again, and losing his job again. This was the straw that broke the camels back. She took DS 18 months and DS 6 months and was lucky enough to move back in with her parents. She filed for divorce, went back to college, got her degree, never heard from or saw or collected 1 dime from her dream man ever again.

The mom of 2, eventually met a real man, who loved her and her DS's. They married, had 2 more kids, and "their" eldest DS is now 26 and getting married! They all lived happily ever after!!

You need a plan, you need a support system, a job, or education to get a job, a place to live. YOu need to be able to depend on you, and not on him, since no matter what a court may say he has to do, doesn't mean he will do it. Make sure a divorce is what you want. My suggestion is to see a therapist to help you find out what it is you want, and how you can become un-trapped!!

Good luck!

Wow did i tell you my life story lol the only difference is mine beat me.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Wow did i tell you my life story lol the only difference is mine beat me.

Nope...just my life story. Sorry about yours. Wow..there are such disgusting men out there...just amazing.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I agree to ask yourself if you are better with or without him. Do your homework and as you have mentioned being a Christian, pary about it. Remember that mom's, even those that have stayed at home, do not always get custody of the children so be very sure that you are willing to take that risk in order to leave your husband. As others have mentioned , if you or the children are in ANY danger get out ASAP.

 

[ccgirl]

How old is your youngest? The reason I am asking is that I had post partum depression with my first child and didn't know it. I felt so isolated and alone. Little did I know my DH was trying I just wanted no part of it and pushed him away. He started to find comfort (emotional) in another woman. He valued our marriage and respected me enough to tell me before it went too far. We sought counseling individually/marriage and have a stronger marriage than we did before. Through it all, we agreed we still loved each other. We had a son 5 years later and I did not have post partum depression that time but I also knew the signs if I did. It was such a different experience. When I was home from maternity leave both times I went to play groups so I could interact with other adults. It helps to know you're not alone. I have always worked FT. Perhaps it's due to my mom being a single mom and having a deadbeat dad. I just did not want that for myself. Should something every happen b/w my DH and myself I can stand on my own two feet.

First step is to talk to your DH and go to counseling. As others stated; unless it is an abusive situation then get out NOW. You are not helping your children by staying. Children see and hear more than people think. Good luck to you. Please know you are not alone.