Advice on Famiy Issue Needed (Long, sorry)

[Dis-Anonymous]

I am usually the first to jump on people who don't take care of family members, but I have to side with the OP on this one.

From what she is writing, this man is ungrateful, knew he had heart problems, but didn't change his diet and left his diabetes untreated. He didn't take care of himself, but now wants others to do so?

What's done is done. The man is sick. He seems to have put himself in this situation and now wants others to bail him out.

I love my brothers very, very much. I would die for them. But, not everyone has the same relationship with their siblings. Maybe this man was a miserable human being his entire life? Maybe he has never done a darn thing for the OP. Maybe her grown children despise him. Who knows.

I have an Aunt that never had any children. She is my grandfather's sister. She was miserable her entire life. She did nothing but taunt my grandparents about the money she had. She would travel and throw it in my Nana's face that she "was tied down with those kids".

Well, now her health is failing. She calls my Grandfather for rides and errand runs. Years and years of being mean to my Poppy and now she needs him all of a sudden. He is struggling with his Christianity with every call he ignores. He is elderly himself, but doesn't forget how she treated he and my grandmother in the past. Perhaps I am a witch, but I feel he owes her NOTHING. Sibling or not.

OP--I think I understand where you are coming from. And for that

Thanks for the hugs. I don't have a bad relationship with Mike, I just have nothing in common with him. I love him. When he visits, he sits on the couch and watches sports. That is his life, tv. I feel sorry for him, but it is his life. The biggest problem with my lack of help was finances and time. Last year, I could not justify the cost of gas and the 15.00 in tolls to run back and forth to NY, when I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to pay for the mortgage, Cobra, and my kids meds. I put my kids first.

 

[disneyfanz04]

My DH wants the car gone. He doesn't want a car that is illegal parked in front of our house.

OK..so enough with the drama...call the cops and tell them there is an unregistered, uninsured vehicle parked in front of your house. They will have it impounded and that will be the end of the story. Obviously you do not care how Mike gets to the Dr's, or if Joe cares or not. Why didn't you just tell him you couldn't, but maybe DS could????

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

You can get fined when it isn't insured or registered.

For the OP, if you just wanted advice about the car why post the other stuff? I understand taking care of your family but your DB's are family too. They don't stop being family just because you're married with children. I love my DD and DH and take good care of them and our home but if one of my DB's needed help and I could in anyway be there I would. Even if it meant time away from DD and DH. I think you need to look at the bigger picture here. Maybe you could ask your SIL to pick your kids up and have them stay at their house while you did stuff for Mike to ease the pressure off Joe.

I posted the background stuff, because if I just said well Joe parked Mikes car in front of my house, I would be asked all these questions, and I just put it out there first.

LOL, you don't know my SIL, I can't ask her to watch my kids. First of all she would hesitate, and come up with some reason to say no. Second of all, I wouldn't trust her with my 5 year old. I have left my 10 year old there, but she and her 10 year old cousin are good freinds. My SIL couldn't handle or deal with my 5 year old.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

It kinda seems like you are a little bitter towards Joe's wife. You don't seem to have any compasion for the fact that her husband has spent so much of his time and money on your brother when you seem so set on the fact that you shouldn't have to sacrifice any of your family time. If what you meant to say to your brother is "I won't do anything for him" you need to call him and tell him that. You never said in your op that you offered to take him on another day. You don't seem like you are really willing to step in and do anything so you really shouldn't have offered. Sometimes we have to do things for others when it isn't convenient to do it.

I do have hugh issues with Joe's wife, and the way she has treated me since I was a kid, but that has nothing to do with this. I have lots of compassion for her, and have told her so, and told her that Mike was wrong and selfish. I told her that Joe should just tell Mike no, that he can't do everything he wants. And me not being able to do this doctors appt isn't about family time, it is about money. I am in need of it right now, and I don't get paid time off. I work I get paid, I don't work I don't get paid. I need to do as many hours as I can. I spent hours researching apts out here and tyring to find a work arrangemnt to all of us. Not going to work isn't an option for me. I have bills that have to get paid. That isn't a sacrifice I can make.

 

[Jpgirl]

OK here's a for you. You have way too much drama. I have a sil like you who can find something wrong with every solution presented to her when she asks for advice on a problem. I'm not sure why you posted. Call the police and get the car impounded and then tell your brother you can't do anything for the other brother. And get on with your life. Good luck

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

I agree...it seems the OP doesn't care at all about the family that was there before her DH and DC's came along. I wonder why it seems that it is OK for Joe to have to spend so much time away from his family & work to help Mike but it is not OK for hte OP??? Also maybe the DSIL is a little bitter at the OP because she never helps out leaving Joe to do everything, and that leaves him away from DSIL and their kids

Then why doesn't SIL or Joe offer to watch my kids while I do these things?

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like your brother has been going above and beyond for the sick brother.

If you have a problem with the car in front of your house, I guess call the city and have it towed. It doesn't sound like the sick brother is going to need the car anymore.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

Okay then, all you would have to do is drop Mike off 15 minutes prior to his appointment at 9:00. That would be 8:45 with 45 minutes to get your son back to the school by 9:30, then off you could go to the meeting. If nothing else, Mike would have to wait for your meeting to end and that may be an inconvenience to him, but it's doable.

Granted, it will definitely take you out of your way, but it's only 1 day and at that point, I would STRESS that further appointments that you're expected to cover should be made around your schedule.

You also said one of your other children could get your son to school, and they would honestly make it much more tolerable for you. You'd have a lot less running around.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

I didn't say one of my other kids could get DS to school, others suggested it.

 

[Crankyshank]

I do have hugh issues with Joe's wife, and the way she has treated me since I was a kid, but that has nothing to do with this. I have lots of compassion for her, and have told her so, and told her that Mike was wrong and selfish. I told her that Joe should just tell Mike no, that he can't do everything he wants. And me not being able to do this doctors appt isn't about family time, it is about money. I am in need of it right now, and I don't get paid time off. I work I get paid, I don't work I don't get paid. I need to do as many hours as I can. I spent hours researching apts out here and tyring to find a work arrangemnt to all of us. Not going to work isn't an option for me. I have bills that have to get paid. That isn't a sacrifice I can make.

You do realize there are millions of people in this country that have to work in order to take care of their families, right? You keep harping on the "I have to work or I don't get paid". That's not a unique situation. Other people deal with rescheduling appointments all of the time. You seem to be creating a lot more drama than needed for the situation.

As I stated before, try rescheduling the appointment or call the nursing home and try to make alternative arrangements. If they can't, call the local senior center for help. If that doesn't work, call Joe and say I can't do it - can you reschedule or let your son take an early lunch to take Mike. Simple enough.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

Yeah, I get that. So, instead of saying that it needs to be moved because you will get fined (which you won't) you need to be honest and say that the car needs to be moved because you and your husband don't want it there. You are adding more drama to the whole thing by adding in problems that don't exist.

No, according to my DH, we can get fined for the car being there. Why do you think Joe and SIL don't want it in front of their house???

 

[mytwotinks]

Then why doesn't SIL or Joe offer to watch my kids while I do these things?

Are you watching Joe's children when he is doing "these things?" It sounds like you just don't want to help. So don't if you are o.k. with that. You seem irritated that they took you up on your offer to help.

 

[N.Bailey]

I can't drop Mike off at the doctors, take DS to school and go to my meeting because I don't own a time machine. To take Mike to the doctor and drop him off at 9:00, would mean my DS wouldn't get to school until 10:00 AM, maybe, then I wouldn't get to my meeting until 10:30 - 10:45, then my meeting isn't usually over until 12:30. It isn't feasable. My other child is working for Joe. If Joe wanted him to take his uncle he would have asked him too, and still paid his salary. He didn't. My other son is in court this week from 8:30 AM - 4:30 PM, and he isn't allowed to drive my cars (insurance), and I can't drive his (stick shift).

I must have taken a different math course than you did because my times aren't the same as yours are.

Drop Mike off at 8:45 giving yourself 45 minutes to make it back to the school by 9:30. You said it was a 45 minute trip. If you need a little more time, you could even drop Mike off a little earlier if need be. Get back to the school by 9:30 (where you will be anyway regardless if you take Mike or not) which will give you an additional 30 minutes to make roughly a 23 minute trip to your meeting. You said it was halfway from the school to the doctor's office.

In reality, if you wanted this to work, it could. You could drop Mike off at 8:30 if you had no other option to give yourself an additional 15 minutes if you'd need it.

My guess is, you just don't want bothered, which is fine, but you should at least just own up to it instead of making excuses.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

no offense, but if you feel the need to register a "Dis-Anonymous" name, I'm thinking that there is something far more complicated going on than asking advice on whether or not a car should be parked in front of your house.

As for your brother - I would suggest a family council. I understand that you want to help, and there is nothing wrong with having to help within the confines of your existing obligations. Just clearly spell out to both of your brothers, I can be available for one (or whatever) doctor's appt a week during these times. I can be available every other Saturday for a shopping trip - or whatever it is that you are willing to do. Long term care of family members is extremely difficult on the entire family. You need to get to a point where you work together, instead of the harsh feelings and scorekeeping.

As for the car, I'd also recommend that you and your husband help your brother with the process of selling it. There is no sense at all in leaving parked, unregistered and unused for long amounts of time. It sounds like he could use the money far more than he can use an unregistered, undrivable car. If he physically recovers to the point where he ever will be able to use a car again, then he can get one at that point.

 

[mytwotinks]

No, according to my DH, we can get fined for the car being there. Why do you think Joe and SIL don't want it in front of their house???

It seems to me like you offered to do what you could. Maybe they thought that this would be something you could do to take on some of the burden of the situation.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

OK..so enough with the drama...call the cops and tell them there is an unregistered, uninsured vehicle parked in front of your house. They will have it impounded and that will be the end of the story. Obviously you do not care how Mike gets to the Dr's, or if Joe cares or not. Why didn't you just tell him you couldn't, but maybe DS could????

It isn't up to me to suggest that my ds do something, especially when he works for his uncle. I ask someone if it they can do something and if it is convenient for them to do it. I just don't say hey, let him do it.

If Joe coudln't take Mike to the appt., he shouldn't have made it for that time, he should have called and asked me what was convenient for me. He knows I have the 5 year old, and dd ,and that I work, and that I have many medical appts for my kids also. I don't make a medical appt for my dd without discussing it with my DH, becuase I need to know it can fit into his schedule.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

Sounds like your brother has been going above and beyond for the sick brother.

If you have a problem with the car in front of your house, I guess call the city and have it towed. It doesn't sound like the sick brother is going to need the car anymore.

He isn't, which is why I don't know why my other brother won't sell it. His wife wants it sold too.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

You do realize there are millions of people in this country that have to work in order to take care of their families, right? You keep harping on the "I have to work or I don't get paid". That's not a unique situation. Other people deal with rescheduling appointments all of the time. You seem to be creating a lot more drama than needed for the situation.

As I stated before, try rescheduling the appointment or call the nursing home and try to make alternative arrangements. If they can't, call the local senior center for help. If that doesn't work, call Joe and say I can't do it - can you reschedule or let your son take an early lunch to take Mike. Simple enough.

I already told Joe, I couldnt do it. THis post wasnt' about the docs appt, it was about the car, and the best way to approach him to have itmoved. I don't want to start a fight with him over it. I want it out of the front of my house.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

Are you watching Joe's children when he is doing "these things?" It sounds like you just don't want to help. So don't if you are o.k. with that. You seem irritated that they took you up on your offer to help.

I would have no problem watching Joe's children. But Joe doesn't need his children watched. He has a wife. She watches them. I don't have a wife to watch my kids during the day, it is my job to watch them.

 

[Crankyshank]

I already told Joe, I couldnt do it. THis post wasnt' about the docs appt, it was about the car, and the best way to approach him to have itmoved. I don't want to start a fight with him over it. I want it out of the front of my house.

Then why in the hell did you bring up all of that and make 32 posts about it? and why on earth would you need to make up an alias to post about it? Stop being a martyr and tell Joe he has a week to do something about the car or you will.

Seriously you are creating way too much drama for yourself.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

I must have taken a different math course than you did because my times aren't the same as yours are.

Drop Mike off at 8:45 giving yourself 45 minutes to make it back to the school by 9:30. You said it was a 45 minute trip. If you need a little more time, you could even drop Mike off a little earlier if need be. Get back to the school by 9:30 (where you will be anyway regardless if you take Mike or not) which will give you an additional 30 minutes to make roughly a 23 minute trip to your meeting. You said it was halfway from the school to the doctor's office.

In reality, if you wanted this to work, it could. You could drop Mike off at 8:30 if you had no other option to give yourself an additional 15 minutes if you'd need it.

My guess is, you just don't want bothered, which is fine, but you should at least just own up to it instead of making excuses.

What do I do if the docs doesnt' open until 9?? Leave a man who can't stand outside of a doctors office?? Yes, the trip is 45 - 60 minutes, depending on traffic. I can only guestimate cause I have never been to where he has to go.

And again, the advice was the best way to deal with the car.