Advice on Famiy Issue Needed (Long, sorry)

[Dis-Anonymous]

Then why are you asking for advice? You have made a decision, why bother posting on here?

You are teaching your children to be selfish, unforgiving and to not be compassionate when it is most needed. You asked for advice. I do not know the dynamics between your siblings but it seems like you are not willing to help out. If that is the way you feel, just tell both of your brothers not to call you for anything. You are too busy with your own life to be bothered. End of Story.

The advice I wanted was the best way to approach him about the car I can't have parked illegally in front of my house. I can't change anything about the doctors appointment. I can't take him on Thursday, just can't do it. I am not teaching my children to be selfish. Yes, I am busy with my own life. I have two small kids at home, and they have need me. Am I being selfish working so that I can put clothes on their backs and food in their stomachs and making sure that they don't lose their house, or that their parents are buried in debt?? If that is the case, then fine. I NEED to work, it isn't a want, it is a NEED. Also, when we had the financial problems we were having, and we getting our home ready and painted, so we could sell it, I called my brother. His wife was so freaked that we were gonna ask him for money. I was like no, I just wanted a good price on having my home painted. My sil is all about the money, I never went to my brother for money and never would. At this point in my life I can't afford to put anyone buy my kids and dh first.

 

[mytwotinks]

Yes, my brother has gone above and beyond. He has the ability to do so. He can afford too. He can drop his men off at a job site, and they do the work. Certain jobs he needs to be at, but he is very flexible in what he can do. I need to be certain places at certain times for my 5 year old, and my 10 year old. Last year my son was 4 and was in school for only a few hours. He was also too young to go into the hospital, so yes, I was and am not in a position to do what my other brother has done. I also appreicate what he has doen, and thanked him, soemthing even Mike has never done. I got my borther into the nursing home he is in.

Yes the car, which is illegal is in front of my house, and we can get fined for it. My DH wants it gone. It isn't incovenience. It is illegal, which is why he doesn't want it in front of his house. It is incovnient for his wife, cause she needs her camper in her driveway.

You can't get fined for a car that somebody else parked in front of your house. The street is public even if it is in front of your house. I couldn't keep people from parking in front of my house even if I wanted to. Sorry, but it really sounds kinda "drama queenish" when your brother is going so far out of his way every day. Obviously you and your brother should figure out what to do with the car, but I don't think that acting as if it is a huge inconvenience is going to win you any points with your brother.

 

[disneyfanz04]

OK, so since when can you not make an appointment for someone else. THey are not giving you any medical information, all you are doing is making the appointment. I have made appontments for my brother, husband, and mother before??? You can call and reschedule the appointment for a time that is more conveniant for you. I am not really sure what you are asking for. It seems that you are getting offended because people are not agreeing with you. I think that happens ALOT on these boards..someone asks for "opinions" but when they are not the opinions they want to hear they get all offended. Why can't you drop Mike off at the doctors, then take your DS to school, then go to your meeting, then go back and pick Mike up??? Or why can't your other child use one of your 5 cars to take Mike to the Dr's he doesn't need a booster seat to take Mike to the Dr's?????

 

[hentob]

I am usually the first to jump on people who don't take care of family members, but I have to side with the OP on this one.

From what she is writing, this man is ungrateful, knew he had heart problems, but didn't change his diet and left his diabetes untreated. He didn't take care of himself, but now wants others to do so?

What's done is done. The man is sick. He seems to have put himself in this situation and now wants others to bail him out.

I love my brothers very, very much. I would die for them. But, not everyone has the same relationship with their siblings. Maybe this man was a miserable human being his entire life? Maybe he has never done a darn thing for the OP. Maybe her grown children despise him. Who knows.



OP--I think I understand where you are coming from. And for that

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

How far away from the doctor's office is it from the school? If you can't drop Mike off at 9 and your son at 9:30, then head out to your meeting, perhaps you can drop Mike off a bit earlier for his appointment. If Joe, or your son can't pick Mike up after the appointment, you can always get him after your meeting. How long of a meeting are we talking here? It surely can't last all day. If Mike has to wait a bit, then Mike has to wait a bit.

I just don't see how this has to be your family over your brother. You can have both if you're willing to compromise some.

I agree that you should get with Joe about getting rid of the car.

My ds school is 2 miles from my house, the doctor is about a 45 minute drive, my meeting is about 1/2 to the doctors office. There is no way logistically I can take my son to school, Mike to the doc, and me to my meeting. I am sure he will get to the doctor. Thankfully once his NJ medicaid number comes through all that will be taken care of. Once that is done, Joe won't have to do a thing anymore.

 

[disneyfanz04]

The advice I wanted was the best way to approach him about the car I can't have parked illegally in front of my house.

If that were the only advice you waned then why did you give us the low-down on all the other drama????

 

[CEDmom]

You can't get fined for a car that somebody else parked in front of your house. The street is public even if it is in front of your house. I couldn't keep people from parking in front of my house even if I wanted to. Sorry, but it really sounds kinda "drama queenish" when your brother is going so far out of his way every day. Obviously you and your brother should figure out what to do with the car, but I don't think that acting as if it is a huge inconvenience is going to win you any points with your brother.

You can get fined when it isn't insured or registered.

For the OP, if you just wanted advice about the car why post the other stuff? I understand taking care of your family but your DB's are family too. They don't stop being family just because you're married with children. I love my DD and DH and take good care of them and our home but if one of my DB's needed help and I could in anyway be there I would. Even if it meant time away from DD and DH. I think you need to look at the bigger picture here. Maybe you could ask your SIL to pick your kids up and have them stay at their house while you did stuff for Mike to ease the pressure off Joe.

 

[disneyfanz04]

You can get fined when it isn't insured or registered.

I am almost positive that they would put a notice to remove the car first...they give you xx amount of days and then they tow it...they cannot fine someone for an unregistered or uninsured vehicle in front of your house..you have no control over who parks what in front of your house on a PUBLIC street.

 

[mytwotinks]

The advice I wanted was the best way to approach him about the car I can't have parked illegally in front of my house. I can't change anything about the doctors appointment. I can't take him on Thursday, just can't do it. I am not teaching my children to be selfish. Yes, I am busy with my own life. I have two small kids at home, and they have need me. Am I being selfish working so that I can put clothes on their backs and food in their stomachs and making sure that they don't lose their house, or that their parents are buried in debt?? If that is the case, then fine. I NEED to work, it isn't a want, it is a NEED. Also, when we had the financial problems we were having, and we getting our home ready and painted, so we could sell it, I called my brother. His wife was so freaked that we were gonna ask him for money. I was like no, I just wanted a good price on having my home painted. My sil is all about the money, I never went to my brother for money and never would. At this point in my life I can't afford to put anyone buy my kids and dh first.

It kinda seems like you are a little bitter towards Joe's wife. You don't seem to have any compasion for the fact that her husband has spent so much of his time and money on your brother when you seem so set on the fact that you shouldn't have to sacrifice any of your family time. If what you meant to say to your brother is "I won't do anything for him" you need to call him and tell him that. You never said in your op that you offered to take him on another day. You don't seem like you are really willing to step in and do anything so you really shouldn't have offered. Sometimes we have to do things for others when it isn't convenient to do it.

 

[mytwotinks]

You can get fined when it isn't insured or registered.

The owner of the car can get fined. She doesn't own the car.

 

[disneyfanz04]

It kinda seems like you are a little bitter towards Joe's wife. You don't seem to have any compasion for the fact that her husband has spent so much of his time and money on your brother when you seem so set on the fact that you shouldn't have to sacrifice any of your family time. If what you meant to say to your brother is "I won't do anything for him" you need to call him and tell him that. You never said in your op that you offered to take him on another day. You don't seem like you are really willing to step in and do anything so you really shouldn't have offered. Sometimes we have to do things for others when it isn't convenient to do it.

I agree...it seems the OP doesn't care at all about the family that was there before her DH and DC's came along. I wonder why it seems that it is OK for Joe to have to spend so much time away from his family & work to help Mike but it is not OK for hte OP??? Also maybe the DSIL is a little bitter at the OP because she never helps out leaving Joe to do everything, and that leaves him away from DSIL and their kids

 

[N.Bailey]

My ds school is 2 miles from my house, the doctor is about a 45 minute drive, my meeting is about 1/2 to the doctors office. There is no way logistically I can take my son to school, Mike to the doc, and me to my meeting. I am sure he will get to the doctor. Thankfully once his NJ medicaid number comes through all that will be taken care of. Once that is done, Joe won't have to do a thing anymore.

Okay then, all you would have to do is drop Mike off 15 minutes prior to his appointment at 9:00. That would be 8:45 with 45 minutes to get your son back to the school by 9:30, then off you could go to the meeting. If nothing else, Mike would have to wait for your meeting to end and that may be an inconvenience to him, but it's doable.

Granted, it will definitely take you out of your way, but it's only 1 day and at that point, I would STRESS that further appointments that you're expected to cover should be made around your schedule.

You also said one of your other children could get your son to school, and they would honestly make it much more tolerable for you. You'd have a lot less running around.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

Mike can name more than one person that can have access to his medical information. Even if Joe is the only one with the medical POA, Mike can make it allowable, through HIPAA for you to make appointments for him. If he won't, then there's your answer, he doesn't want your help.

The nursing home has only 1 primary person according to the social worker, and that is Joe. I was there for that conversation. They will release no information to me. Joe also has the power of attorney for Mike. As a side note I am 10 years younger than Mike, where as Joe is 2 1/2 years younger than Mike.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

I completely agree with this... Not only what was said here, but you said it was your business owning brother's choice to get involved and care for your eldest brother... so by that theory, he should have kept his mouth shut & abandoned the brother to have what will happen, happen.... wash his hands of it...

Having said that, you couldn't clear your schedule for ONE appointment? Sounds like my BIL who could not care for my FIL for one week when we gave him 11 months notice... he gave us three weeks notice that he & his family were just too busy with their charity work, and whatever plans they had... Well, charity starts at home, and what comes around goes around, and let me tell you, he ain't gettin' much from us these days.... That's fine, we take the responsibility... but when the responsibility is gone, so are we... we are done with them.... That's the road you are traveling I promise you....

Again, every 4 weeks on Thursday's at 10:00 I have a meeting with my boss and the other reps for my company for the next months work. There is no changing that. Being a new employee, and just out of training, I need to be at these meetings.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

There is another option, other than ambulance. Its called a wheel chair van. They are run by ambulance companies, and they transport NH patients all day every day. I work in the ER of a hospital and I know this to be true. If he has no insurance, who is paying the NH? That would be way more than $500. In Massachusetts a NH bed runs about $900 a day. I believe in family first, but you appear to not be willing to bend at all. You couldn't take a 4 year old to the hospital to visit with you? I took my 3 month, 21 month and 3 year old, everyday to visit my grandmother when she was in the hospital and then 1 year in a NH. If you do not visit, you relative does not get good care.

My brother is on Social Security Disablity and Medicaid. He is in limbo right now though. They SSD and the mediciad is being switched from NYS to NJ. Once it is switched the transportation is covered.

No, Coney Island Hospital does not let 4 year old children in the CCU. As soon as my brother was moved to the NH I brought both my younger kids to see him.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

I think you need to calm down. Then you can compromise like alot of other people have said. How would you feel if Joe didn't help your brother and you knew he was living in a filthy apartment sick with no food, or on the street. Your brother did this to himself, but we all do things like that to ourselves. Alot of cancers and heart disease are caused by our bad habits.
You need to be there for your kids and to be at work but even so maybe you could squeeze in a couple hours a week. Your brother really can't be doing this with his business. I've had several businesses and can assure you of this. It's more forgiving then a regular job but eventually too much missed time catches up with you. You should meet with somebody from social services. If your brother can get into your car I'm sure there is a bus that can pick him up. I see many very handicapped people getting onto special busses for this. If you meet with a social worker and get the medicaid info you can try to get some of this stuff filled by programs they offer. Then you need to find a way to squeeze in time for some of the rest. Make it a project with your kids. They can make cards while you bring him a meal.
The social worker in the nursing home has dealt with situations like this alot. They understand feeling overburdened. Explain it to her and see if you and your brother can get as much help as possible. Even if everything is covered you should each try to visit him once a week.

Visiting him now isn't an issue, he is right around the corner. I didn't visit him the second week he was there, just becuase I had a horrible cold, and wasn't going to go there. I see him at least once a week, and I bring the kids, even for just a few minutes (DS doesn't like it there, he gets bored easy). The Social Worker will not give me any info, she will only give it to Joe, he is the primary.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

You can't get fined for a car that somebody else parked in front of your house. The street is public even if it is in front of your house. I couldn't keep people from parking in front of my house even if I wanted to. Sorry, but it really sounds kinda "drama queenish" when your brother is going so far out of his way every day. Obviously you and your brother should figure out what to do with the car, but I don't think that acting as if it is a huge inconvenience is going to win you any points with your brother.

My DH wants the car gone. He doesn't want a car that is illegal parked in front of our house.

 

[Crankyshank]

It doesn't matter how many people are on the information release list for the nursing home, it doesn't affect who can make appointments. You're not asking them for info regarding his health - you're changing an appointment time. I've done it for my Grandmother and I'm not her power of attorney, emergency contact or anything.
If you refuse to even attempt to reschedule it on your own then I would suggest you a) call the nursing home and tell them there's no transport and what do they suggest or b) call the local senior center and ask how to arrange transportation (locally we have a R.I.D.E program where a shuttle bus picks up the elderly and infirm and takes them to appointments).

and what on earth does your and Joe's age have to do with anything?

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

OK, so since when can you not make an appointment for someone else. THey are not giving you any medical information, all you are doing is making the appointment. I have made appontments for my brother, husband, and mother before??? You can call and reschedule the appointment for a time that is more conveniant for you. I am not really sure what you are asking for. It seems that you are getting offended because people are not agreeing with you. I think that happens ALOT on these boards..someone asks for "opinions" but when they are not the opinions they want to hear they get all offended. Why can't you drop Mike off at the doctors, then take your DS to school, then go to your meeting, then go back and pick Mike up??? Or why can't your other child use one of your 5 cars to take Mike to the Dr's he doesn't need a booster seat to take Mike to the Dr's?????

I can't drop Mike off at the doctors, take DS to school and go to my meeting because I don't own a time machine. To take Mike to the doctor and drop him off at 9:00, would mean my DS wouldn't get to school until 10:00 AM, maybe, then I wouldn't get to my meeting until 10:30 - 10:45, then my meeting isn't usually over until 12:30. It isn't feasable. My other child is working for Joe. If Joe wanted him to take his uncle he would have asked him too, and still paid his salary. He didn't. My other son is in court this week from 8:30 AM - 4:30 PM, and he isn't allowed to drive my cars (insurance), and I can't drive his (stick shift).

 

[mytwotinks]

My DH wants the car gone. He doesn't want a car that is illegal parked in front of our house.

Yeah, I get that. So, instead of saying that it needs to be moved because you will get fined (which you won't) you need to be honest and say that the car needs to be moved because you and your husband don't want it there. You are adding more drama to the whole thing by adding in problems that don't exist.