Advice on Famiy Issue Needed (Long, sorry)

[poohandwendy]

And why on earth is the way your brother became ill any part of the equation? He is sick, he is family...you either value him or not.

 

[Hannathy]

Talk about inflexible! There are so many ways around this what do you think other people do when they have sick relatives to help. Believe me we figure out a way. I took care of my Mom with a baby and a 5 yr old and a husband who traveled and no other family in the area. If you wanted to do it you could, be an adult if you don't want to help say so!

First your child is 5 not 5 months. I can not believe there are no neighbors or classmates that they couldn't go to for an hour one day before school. Don't buy it.

How does the 10 yr old get to school they couldn't watch the 5 yr old on the walk or whatever 1 time.

they are 5 what is the big deal if they miss a day of school or 1/2 a day to deal with a sick relative. Take the uncle to the Dr's then take child to school and if he is late who cares! Then go to your meeting and pick up uncle. Dr's offices are very rarely on time and if he was being picked up by a transport co. they usually don't want called until the appt is over so there is a wait involved.

Next time don't make hollow promises you said I'll help and then if it is the least bit inconvenient, well I really didn't mean it. So don't offer any more.
And convince yourself all you want but your kids aren't seeing you as putting them first they are seeing you as not helping.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

ughh i just read this entire thread...

The OP is full of excuses!! just admit you want nothing to do with anyone else and be done with it..there the end..no need for 32 posts about it.

and if your husband makes enough to support you all (like you mentioned as to why you don't need a full-time job) then WHY are you going on and on about needing to work and you can't miss one day???

okay enough from me, it's late and i'm off to bed

 

[mytwotinks]

I think this is it, in a nutshell. I think you need to just be honest with Joe and tell him that. If you don't want to help, own it.

I think impounding the car without notifying Joe first is an ignorant move, but it really sounds like you and your DH don't care because you see Joe as the golden boy with all of the riches and all of the time in the world to take care of everyone...

Just reminds me of people who think successful people are 'lucky'...

BINGO!!!! She is already saying that she won't be able to help move the stuff out of the appartment and she doesn't even know when that is going to happen. She isn't willing to help and she shouldn't have told Joe she would. A person can be as giving as they are willing. If she really wanted to help and felt like she should for Joe she would make it happen however she had to.

 

[4cruisin]

Then why doesn't SIL or Joe offer to watch my kids while I do these things?

You are really something. I usually don't even respond to threads like this but if you look at what you said up above, you wouldn't leave your 5 yo with your SIL. Like I said, stop with the excuses and cut to the point....tell both brothers your have your own life and want nothing to do with them unless it fits into your plans. That will certainly cut the drama in your life.

Have a great day. Remember.........what goes around.....comes around.

 

[Nancyg56]

Talk about inflexible! There are so many ways around this what do you think other people do when they have sick relatives to help. Believe me we figure out a way. I took care of my Mom with a baby and a 5 yr old and a husband who traveled and no other family in the area. If you wanted to do it you could, be an adult if you don't want to help say so!

First your child is 5 not 5 months. I can not believe there are no neighbors or classmates that they couldn't go to for an hour one day before school. Don't buy it.

How does the 10 yr old get to school they couldn't watch the 5 yr old on the walk or whatever 1 time.

they are 5 what is the big deal if they miss a day of school or 1/2 a day to deal with a sick relative. Take the uncle to the Dr's then take child to school and if he is late who cares! Then go to your meeting and pick up uncle. Dr's offices are very rarely on time and if he was being picked up by a transport co. they usually don't want called until the appt is over so there is a wait involved.

Next time don't make hollow promises you said I'll help and then if it is the least bit inconvenient, well I really didn't mean it. So don't offer any more.
And convince yourself all you want but your kids aren't seeing you as putting them first they are seeing you as not helping.

ITA. I read the entire thread, and now I am in shock! "I want to feel good and offer to help, just don't ask anything of me or of my family unless we get reimbursed."


OP: If you don't want to help, then don't. I don't understand why you can't be a tad more flexible, but if you cannot so be it. Just don't be offended if there is some resentment when you refuse to pitch in after you offer. The issue over the Dr appt is telling, and I think comes to the heart of the matter. You do not want to help, or you would have asked to have the appt rescheduled, since you are reluctant to do it yourself. Be honest with yourself and with your family and then let it go.

Every problem here can be solved, but there are consequences. Call the police about the car, or simply ignore it. Deal with DH or your brother. I think that Joe is the more compassionate here and will understand why you choose to have him irritated rather that your DH.

 

[disneyfanz04]

I think there is one word here....SELFISH...


You said yourself that you didn't want to be bothered...You really do need to thank god for Joe...I love my family very much, but if one of my other family members needed me ONE day you better believe I would be there to help. I am with my family 24/7, and one day(not even the whole day) wouldn't mean to them that I don't put them first, it means that I would do whatever I can to help someone...family or not, and that would be teaching them to do the same, not have a blind eye to someone in need...whether he caused this upon himself or not. You will regret it when your brother passes on...

back to the car since that is where you were looking for advice...have it towed...you do not care about Joe's feelings, so why should you care if he gets pissed off about the car????????

 

[MosMom]

I think there is a lot of past here that we're not getting. To me, you seem bitter about your family and you need to either get over it or let Joe know you have no desire to help. You mention that you did everything when your Mom died and your brothers didn't help. Obviously, this still pisses you off. Let it go or let your family go. It sounds like Joe has more than made up for not helping with your Mom.

My personal advice would be to let it go and call it water under the bridge. Yes, your immediate family comes first but I can't see how you are putting them 2nd by helping with a few doctor's appointments? Reschedule the appointment and take your brother. If you and Joe are having a better relationship than ever, have an open conversation about what to do with the car.

 

[RUDisney]

You will regret it when your brother passes on...

back to the car since that is where you were looking for advice...have it towed...you do not care about Joe's feelings, so why should you care if he gets pissed off about the car????????

I thought about this, too. First of all, she won't go to the cemetary. Maybe that one doesn't allow children in it? Maybe she's afraid that her children will be scarred because of it? Maybe she doesn't want to teach her children to respect the dead by planting flowers and visiting gravesites because its inconvenient?

She cares about Joe's feelings. He's her son's gravy train and she doesn't want for him to lose his job. Yes, again, it's about HER family and not Joe's kindness in hiring her son.

Others have said it well, the Green Monster is rearing it's ugly head!

 

[hydster]

Well I just read this whole thread and that's 20 min of my life I'll never get back.

To the OP...if you truly want to help but can't that day..drag your butt over to the NH where "Mike" is staying which, by your own admission, is just around the corner and tell him to call the doctor and reschedule it for whatever day will "fit" into YOUR life. I assume he is awake and cognizent and since you seem so worried that the doctor's office won't allow you to change it...they would certainly allow "mike" to change his own appointment.

If you don't want to help then don't. Grow some cajones and tell "joe" that you really have decided that you can't/won't/shouldn't have to deal with your brother because he didn't take care of himself and you have a job and your own nuclear family that take precedence over everything else and then get on with life.

You have 2 choices basically....help or don't.

As for the car I'd call "joe" and tell him that you want the car moved from in front of your home by Saturday or you will either

A)put it up for sale on your own and then split the profits 3 ways *you, joe and mike* but you and your dh do NOT want it there past this coming weekend unless it has a for sale sign in it with your phone #.

B)He can come and get it and move it somewhere where it can be parked until a decision is made. Even if that means renting a storage garage until such time.

OR​

C) Do you have a charity where you can donate cars to it? You or whomever *though I"m not a tax accountant* would then get a write off on their income taxes, the car is taken and fixed for someone who really needs it and can use it and you don't have to deal with it again.

Any of these can help you donate the car if no one wants to deal with it, fix it, sell it or park it.

http://www.donate-a-car.org/
http://www.cars4charities.org/donate-car-new-jersey.php
http://www.givecars.com/


I can understand being annoyed by the car in front of your house but instead of hemming and hawing about it.....be active in it. If you really want to get rid of the car do some research and find somewhere you can move it to, get the keys and move it. You seem to have a computer with internet access...start looking into what you can do with the car. Maybe that could be a help to your brother not having to worry about that, you can do it from home thus not causing you to lose $$$ or dropping your kid at school and you might still be contributing in helping out BOTH brothers in the end. Joe has 1 less thing to worry about as does Mike and you get to help in a way that fits into that schedule of yours.

Seems there are way too many excuses instead of just owning up to how you feel or what you do or don't want to do. It may not be pleasant or fun but few things in life ever are especially when it comes to family.

 

[Jynohn]

I'm only commenting on this situation because my mother went through this same thing with her brothers last year. My grandfather was a terrible father to her and my two uncles, but when he had a stroke, could no longer drive, and needed care, she was right there for him driving him to and from appointments, making sure his prescriptions were filled and that he was taking his medications properly, giving him his meals, etc. She got NO help from her brothers.

My mother didn't blame her brothers for not wanting to help, in fact she completely understood because of the way my grandfather had always treated them. She new it was HER decision to take on the responsibility of his care, because that's what SHE could live with when the time came that he was gone. Her brothers made it clear that they would help financially, but would not be there physically to care for their father. My mother was grateful for their honesty, because she knew in no uncertain terms that she was on her own, instead of being constantly resentful that no one was helping her.

I think you need to be honest with yourself and with Joe about how much effort you are willing to put in with Mike's care. It's a decision only you can make, and not knowing your relationship with your brother, I can't judge what I would do in the situation, but I do feel it's unfair to Joe that you make commitments you're not willing to follow through on.

If you really are willing to drive him to appointments, why can't you tell Joe that you're unable to take him this week, but that you'll call the doctor's office and set up a time that's convenient next week? As for the car, I don't blame you for wanting it out of your yard, but keep in mind that losing a car means losing independence, and it's most likely very difficult for Mike to admit that he's completely dependent on others for his care now. We had the same issue with my grandfather when it wasn't safe for him to drive anymore. I would discuss it with Joe and tell him you'll help him sell it, but try to be a little understanding about why he may be reluctant to do so right now.

Also keep in mind that Joe is probably getting a lot of pressure at home from his wife. I'm sure when he's spending all of this time away from HIS family taking care of Mike, his wife is at home saying, "why are you doing it all and why isn't your sister helping?" Poor guy is probably getting it from both ends.

Good luck with your current situation. I hope you all can find a way to make it work out for you.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Why can't my 5 year old take a bus?? Umm... there isn't any bus. The only way for him to go to school is for me to drive him. If I didn't have a work meeting, I would have asked my mil if she could. But since I do have a meeting, a meeting that only occurs once a month, I need to be at that meeting. If I don't work, I don't get paid. I need the money I am bringing in. My dh was unemployed about 3 years out of the past 5 years. We almost lost our house in December. We were one month away from having to put it on the market, and move away from all of our families. I want to pay down our debts, and pay our current bills. I only work about 50 - 60 hours a month, I need all of those hours. I love my brothers, but my DH and kids come first, and always will. I have done it for him in the past. I went into Brooklyn to take him grocery shopping. Joe said it would take 1 hour at the store. Well it took way over 1 hour at the store, and I just made it home to get my DD off the bus, and pick up my 5 year old at school.

Am I missing something. There is no bus for your DS but there is for you DD?

I think Joe has gone way above and beyond what should be expected of him. Keep your DS out of school that day. Take Mike to the Dr. Leave him there, get your MIL to watch DS and then go to your meeting. When the meeting is over pick up Mike and DS.

 

[mickeyfan2]

He can't go by taxi, he would need an ambulance.

I am just starting to read this thread, so you may have already answered. If so, then ignore this.

If he cannot go in a cab how will you get him there in your car?

 

[DVC Sadie]

Why not call Joe and tell him the truth (as you see it).

1. I am not willing to help Mike because my family comes first.

2. Tell Joe in the same phone call to not ask you for any help except on the fifth Thurseday of every month. Please tell Joe what you really think of him and his wife.

3. Don't forget to tell Joe that unless he is needed in the future to hire one of your remaining children then please keep contact to a minimum as it really causes too much drama in your life.


Good grief woman, you have more excuses than Bayer has aspririns.

 

[mickeyfan2]

The advice I wanted was the best way to approach him about the car I can't have parked illegally in front of my house.

But you could have done that and left out so much of the story. Most the story was not about the car.

 

[Christine]

I am just starting to read this thread, so you may have already answered. If so, then ignore this.

If he cannot go in a cab how will you get him there in your car?

Just chiming in here and I don't know a thing really, but I am assuming that Mike needs a good amount of assistance from the car into the doctor's office. My guess is that the cab drivers aren't really "into" that sort of thing.

I still haven't figured out why it's so darn hard to pick up the phone and explain to the doctor's office why the appointment needs to be changed. I'm not even buying that only one person can do it. I do believe that the nursing home only will speak to one person, but the doctor's office doesn't give a hoot.

Basically, while I certainly understand that the OP may not want to deal with this (and that is her right and it is not "right" or "wrong") she needs to quit being so passive. She's sitting back and whining about how certain things are being dumped on her or expected of her. Pick up the phone and call the doctor, change the appointment. Why are you waiting for someone else to take care of it?

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

Why not call Joe and tell him the truth (as you see it).

1. I am not willing to help Mike because my family comes first.

2. Tell Joe in the same phone call to not ask you for any help except on the fifth Thurseday of every month. Please tell Joe what you really think of him and his wife.

3. Don't forget to tell Joe that unless he is needed in the future to hire one of your remaining children then please keep contact to a minimum as it really causes too much drama in your life.


Good grief woman, you have more excuses than Bayer has aspririns.

Agree with all of this and the last line is soo true!

 

[mickeyfan2]

Why not call Joe and tell him the truth (as you see it).

1. I am not willing to help Mike because my family comes first.

2. Tell Joe in the same phone call to not ask you for any help except on the fifth Thurseday of every month. Please tell Joe what you really think of him and his wife.

3. Don't forget to tell Joe that unless he is needed in the future to hire one of your remaining children then please keep contact to a minimum as it really causes too much drama in your life.


Good grief woman, you have more excuses than Bayer has aspririns.

Do all of the above and then have your son quite his job and go to work on somebody elses gravy train. Since your family matters most, why should Joe hire your sons. They are not really his family, according to your reasoning.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Just chiming in here and I don't know a thing really, but I am assuming that Mike needs a good amount of assistance from the car into the doctor's office. My guess is that the cab drivers aren't really "into" that sort of thing.

My Dr has many elderly patients (and I will be one someday). The nurses will go out to the car to help the person out and into the office. I am sure the NH will do the same, so all the cab drive needs to do is pick him up (and not leave the cab), drive him there, then call the office and tell them he is there so please come and get him. Maybe Mike cannot pay for the cab, now that is another problem. Well then we have Joe the money machine of the family. He can just give his CC and all is well.

Additionally the local NH that goes there has a special bus that they use to take the patients to the Dr.

Why are you waiting for someone else to take care of it?

Yes Joe.

 

[Arielle22]

I have dealt with the illness and death of my mom (dad died when I was 17) and currently have a MIL in a local nursing home. I have 7 siblings and dh has 1 brother (married with 2 children).

I cannot get over the OP's attitude. She reminds me of my bil's attitude. When MIl had a stroke in 2000 (while visiting bil and sil) he and his wife were distraught (even caused a disturbance at the hospital). When it came time for her recovery and continuing care,he lasted about 2 months and was then too busy with "his family". DH is her power of attorney and medical proxy. BIL remembered his mom long enough to ask DH if he could get his inheritance now rather than waiting for her to die.

Where did the idea come from that family is only your spouse and children? If you ask my dds who their family is, they name off every aunt,uncle and cousin. OP, this attitude will backfire when your children marry. You will not be part of the cozy nuclear family so when you are ill or lonely just remember that they are following what you taught them.

OP, if you really wanted to help you could do some other chores for Mike which may free up Joe's time for the dr appts. I'll tell you what I told my younger dd last weekend at MIL's nursing home. You do this because she is a valued member of your family. If you are bored here or annoyed because all she wants you to do is scratch her back, then suck it up. Family isn't easy and it is messy but without family you have no one.