Advice on Famiy Issue Needed (Long, sorry)

[Dis-Anonymous]

I feel really badly for your DB "Joe". It sounds like he's trying to do right by your DB "Mike" and is asking very little of you. I can understand your DH not wanting the car parked on the street in front of your house. Can you get it off the street until all of you decide how to handle the situation? Can someone else take your DS to school on that 1 day?

You may think you know how flexible Joe's schedule is but likely things are not as straightforward as they appear.

Joe at this point is sick and tired of taking time off for Mike. Mike is very unappreicaitive, and very difficult. Joe is annoyed at this point and angry, and rightly so. There is no place to put it to get it off the street. Between me and my family, we have 5 cars. I have one in the garage, the other part of the garage is full of "stuff", my car is in the driveway, and so is my sons. Our other 2 cars are in the street. One of my sons car I had to keep at my bil's during the winter so it wouldn't be towed during the snow. The car needs to be gotten rid of, no one is gonna drive it anymore.

Even if I could get someone to take my ds to school, I still have a meeting at 10 AM. Two weeks a month I am really flexible. The other two weeks I am not, I have so much work to do in such a short period of time, that I have to get it done as soon as the work weeks starts, just in case one of my kids gets sick and I can't work. I need to be at this meeting.

 

[RUDisney]

I have some thoughts for you from my parents' experience dealing with my GF. First of all, the nursing home probably has a shuttle service that they can use to transport your DB back and forth to the doctor. If that doesn't work, YOU call the doctor and reschedule his appt for a time that is convenient for YOU to take him. He's not going anywhere by himself so appointments should be at your convenience not just because that is when the doctor's staff could make the appt.

Believe it or not, you'll look back later at the time you spent helping your DB with a great deal of pride because you COULD help him and not because you were forced to help him.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

Just based on your post, honestly, I have to say that you aren't really pulling your weight here and I sort of feel for your brother "Joe." Yes, you have 4 children, but two of them are adults that could also likely help out. If not with "Mike" then with taking your 5 year old to school or something.

Unfortunately, caring for a sick family member is never "convenient." I really feel that you are need to going to have to help "Joe" out. Owning your own business does not mean that you are eating bon-bons all day. In all likelihood, Joe is probably way busier than you are and he has other people that depend on him to be somewhere.

I can see why your brother is annoyed and, if you don't want to lose your relationship with him, I think you are going to have to find a way to help out more. I know it's not "fair" but it's what you have to do if you want to have a good conscience.

Yes, 2 of my children are adults. One works for Joe, and leaves the house before 8 AM to pick up Joe's employees, they aren't allowed to drive in the US. My son picks them up at the bus stop. My other son just graduated college, and we all came home yesterday. He is busy this week, in court, and his cars aren't booster seat compatible. He also is only going to be here for 6 weeks before he moves across the country.

I know how much Joe has done. And to be perfectly honest my conscience is clear. My kids come first, and my DH. I feel sorry for Mike, but he did this to himself. I am not putting my kids on the back burner or anything. If I am selfish for me family, then so be it. I have no problems with that. I was with my brother when he was having surgery. I went back and forth to several hospitals becuase the morons told me he was transferred to a different hospital. I have done stuff, no, not as much as Joe, but Joe took that upon himself.

I don't want to fight with Joe about the car, but I am taking my DH's side not Joes. Yes, Joe with his business is plenty busy. He also has a wife to be there for his kids. He also has a dd that can take care of his other dd. I don't have that. My dd needs me and so does my ds.

And at this point for the appt, it isn't even about the kids. I have to be at work.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

I would remind your brother that your husband does not want the car parked, and if that doesn't work have it towed. Can you reschedule your brothers appointment?

I don't know if it can. If Joe had said, can you take Mike to the doctor, when are you available, I would have said, I am home with ds on Tueday's, the only day I can't work, I can take him then.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

I don't think you have any obligation to Joe or to Mike, nor do they have an obligation to you. Maybe this sounds mean, but you and Joe have families, jobs and lives and Mike isn't your responsibility. I'm sure Joe's business is harder on him than it may seem to you, but that doesn't mean he can expect you to take up the slack. You say you help when you can, you have an important meeting that morning, and all that is understandable. Your main responsibility is to your husband and kids. They should come first.

So I say continue to do what you have been doing with respect to Mike's care, get the car towed or sold and don't worry.

HUGS!! Thank you so much. I have said as much to Joe. Joe would call to constantly complain about Mike, and I told Joe, then stop doing it. Leave him on his own. You have wife, kids and buisness, see to them. Mike did this to himself. My life with DH has been so hectic this past year, with us trying to make ends meet. With all our financial problems, we never missed a mortgage payment, credit card payment, or COBRA payment. My concerns were that. Now we are rebuilding, and starting to live again.

Thank you again for your support. I am going to have to talk to Joe, and tell him to sell the car. Our Aunt wants it, let her have it. Her son doesn't want her to have it, she is a danger on the road!! She only drives to the grocery store, so I can't see it being that bad.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

Join the club

And I am supposed to be psychic and know there is no schoolbus? Couldn't one of your older kids take him, or couldn't he catch a ride with a friend?

Couldn't YOU call the doctor and reschedule the appointment? Can't the nursing home arrange transportation for him? He can't be the only resident who doesn't drive. Most have shuttles or will call cabs for residents who have appointments.

If there was a school bus, then why would I need to drive him? My son works for his uncle, and has to pick up Joe's men at 8 AM. My other son just got home from college 24 hours ago, and can't do it this week. I can't call the doctor, becuase I am not the point person. I can't even call the nursing home for info, it is only relased to Joe, and Joe gives us all the info. There are not shuttles. He needs to be taken by ambulance or by a family member. Oh, his wife could do it, but she won't. I am not even going to go there, but it isn't her responsibility to do it.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

While this is definitely true she took some of the responsibility when she told Joe she would help out. We all have choice. Joe chooses to take responsibility. You have every right to make the choice not to. However, I would be honest with Joe and say you don't wish to have any responsibility for Mike.

I don't mind helping. I need to do it on my schedule. I can't afford not to work. I need to take care of my children. They are my priorities. WHen I can reschedule I do so. I am open on Tuesday's, and yes I have told this to him before. Joe aslo knows I have a 5 year old, and that I take him to school.

 

[4cruisin]

I don't want to make any judgement about your attitude but I hope that if you ever need your brothers, they are more compassionate to your needs than you are to theirs. You are setting an example for your children, just remember that.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

I have some thoughts for you from my parents' experience dealing with my GF. First of all, the nursing home probably has a shuttle service that they can use to transport your DB back and forth to the doctor. If that doesn't work, YOU call the doctor and reschedule his appt for a time that is convenient for YOU to take him. He's not going anywhere by himself so appointments should be at your convenience not just because that is when the doctor's staff could make the appt.

Believe it or not, you'll look back later at the time you spent helping your DB with a great deal of pride because you COULD help him and not because you were forced to help him.

Joe is the one that can legally make the appts, him or Mike, I can't. I can't be given any info on his condition either, that all goes to Joe, and then he tells the rest of us.

 

[Dis-Anonymous]

I don't want to make any judgement about your attitude but I hope that if you ever need your brothers, they are more compassionate to your needs than you are to theirs. You are setting an example for your children, just remember that.

I will, and they are. They are seeing a mother that puts her children before anyone else. It took me forever to find a part time job that gave me the flexibility to more or less work my own hours, and around my children's schedule. I can be there for my kids. The only thing I can't change is my monthly meeting. My available hours are M, W, Th, Fr from 9:30 - 2:30, and Tuesday from 8:00 - 2:30. Anything before and after that I am with my children. I work during those hours, or on weekends, or a night when dh is home to take care of the kids. I do my best to get all my work done in those hours, so I can spend time with my dh and kids. They are my priority. They come first, and always will. I will never apologize or compromise on that, ever.

 

[4cruisin]

I will, and they are. They are seeing a mother that puts her children before anyone else. It took me forever to find a part time job that gave me the flexibility to more or less work my own hours, and around my children's schedule. I can be there for my kids. The only thing I can't change is my monthly meeting. My available hours are M, W, Th, Fr from 9:30 - 2:30, and Tuesday from 8:00 - 2:30. Anything before and after that I am with my children. I work during those hours, or on weekends, or a night when dh is home to take care of the kids. I do my best to get all my work done in those hours, so I can spend time with my dh and kids. They are my priority. They come first, and always will. I will never apologize or compromise on that, ever.

Then why are you asking for advice? You have made a decision, why bother posting on here?

You are teaching your children to be selfish, unforgiving and to not be compassionate when it is most needed. You asked for advice. I do not know the dynamics between your siblings but it seems like you are not willing to help out. If that is the way you feel, just tell both of your brothers not to call you for anything. You are too busy with your own life to be bothered. End of Story.

 

[N.Bailey]

How far away from the doctor's office is it from the school? If you can't drop Mike off at 9 and your son at 9:30, then head out to your meeting, perhaps you can drop Mike off a bit earlier for his appointment. If Joe, or your son can't pick Mike up after the appointment, you can always get him after your meeting. How long of a meeting are we talking here? It surely can't last all day. If Mike has to wait a bit, then Mike has to wait a bit.

I just don't see how this has to be your family over your brother. You can have both if you're willing to compromise some.

I agree that you should get with Joe about getting rid of the car.

 

[pyrxtc]

I don't want to make any judgement about your attitude but I hope that if you ever need your brothers, they are more compassionate to your needs than you are to theirs. You are setting an example for your children, just remember that.

Sometime you have to put yourself and you immeadiate family before others and that is OK!! If you really didn't want to make a judgement about her attitude, then you wuold have stoped typing after that word! The example that she is setting for her children is that they come first and wokr is very important. She cannot just skip wokr because something came up and she will not just put her children off on someone else cuz something came up. If Joe wants her to help then he needs to give her access to all the info on Mike. you can't have it all! She is willing to help but it can't mess up more important things.

 

[RUDisney]

Joe is the one that can legally make the appts, him or Mike, I can't. I can't be given any info on his condition either, that all goes to Joe, and then he tells the rest of us.

Mike can name more than one person that can have access to his medical information. Even if Joe is the only one with the medical POA, Mike can make it allowable, through HIPAA for you to make appointments for him. If he won't, then there's your answer, he doesn't want your help.

 

[PlaneJoy1]

You should give Joe your schedule after this and let him know the exact times you are available. Communication between the two of you is key in a time like this. People reschedule appointments all the time, this is probably one of those times.

Set out a monthly calendar and let Joe know which days you can help. Choose 1 day/week or every other week - just be consistent. This would help scheduling.

Joe or yourself should also set expectations for Mike. We will take you to the doctor, grocery shopping on Monday, and xxx on Thursday. Whatever the schedule allows.

I realize that you are showing your children undying devotion to one's children, which is admirable. However, they are seeing that you are not taking care of your own brother. You may actually be showing them that later in life they do not have to take care of each other when you are no longer around.

 

[phillybeth]

Then why are you asking for advice? You have made a decision, why bother posting on here?

What they said.


How would the nursing home transport your brother if he had no family? If you and Joe are both unwilling to continue assisting your brother, then let the nursing home and Mike worry about it.

 

[chris1gill]

Wow! Your brother has gone way above and beyond and I cannot believe you are complaining about the very little he needs you to help w/.
BTW, when you own your own business you cannot "come and go as you please" - you are responsible for other people's livlihood - including your own sons for God's sake.
And for the car - it is just in front of your house and you have a problem w/ that too even though it does not even inconveniece you
Unbelieveable.

I completely agree with this... Not only what was said here, but you said it was your business owning brother's choice to get involved and care for your eldest brother... so by that theory, he should have kept his mouth shut & abandoned the brother to have what will happen, happen.... wash his hands of it...

Having said that, you couldn't clear your schedule for ONE appointment? Sounds like my BIL who could not care for my FIL for one week when we gave him 11 months notice... he gave us three weeks notice that he & his family were just too busy with their charity work, and whatever plans they had... Well, charity starts at home, and what comes around goes around, and let me tell you, he ain't gettin' much from us these days.... That's fine, we take the responsibility... but when the responsibility is gone, so are we... we are done with them.... That's the road you are traveling I promise you....

 

[kidzmom3]

There is another option, other than ambulance. Its called a wheel chair van. They are run by ambulance companies, and they transport NH patients all day every day. I work in the ER of a hospital and I know this to be true. If he has no insurance, who is paying the NH? That would be way more than $500. In Massachusetts a NH bed runs about $900 a day. I believe in family first, but you appear to not be willing to bend at all. You couldn't take a 4 year old to the hospital to visit with you? I took my 3 month, 21 month and 3 year old, everyday to visit my grandmother when she was in the hospital and then 1 year in a NH. If you do not visit, you relative does not get good care.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I think you need to calm down. Then you can compromise like alot of other people have said. How would you feel if Joe didn't help your brother and you knew he was living in a filthy apartment sick with no food, or on the street. Your brother did this to himself, but we all do things like that to ourselves. Alot of cancers and heart disease are caused by our bad habits.
You need to be there for your kids and to be at work but even so maybe you could squeeze in a couple hours a week. Your brother really can't be doing this with his business. I've had several businesses and can assure you of this. It's more forgiving then a regular job but eventually too much missed time catches up with you. You should meet with somebody from social services. If your brother can get into your car I'm sure there is a bus that can pick him up. I see many very handicapped people getting onto special busses for this. If you meet with a social worker and get the medicaid info you can try to get some of this stuff filled by programs they offer. Then you need to find a way to squeeze in time for some of the rest. Make it a project with your kids. They can make cards while you bring him a meal.
The social worker in the nursing home has dealt with situations like this alot. They understand feeling overburdened. Explain it to her and see if you and your brother can get as much help as possible. Even if everything is covered you should each try to visit him once a week.

 

[Jpgirl]

I don't understand about the "legal" part of changing appointments. My fil had 5 kids-2 of them in town (my dh and my bil). Dh, bil,me and sil took turns making appointments (at each person's conviennce when it was their turn). I never had a problem with the medical staff saying I couldn't legally make the appointment, nor did I have problems with going in and talking to the Dr. FIL always gave his approval. I would think that your brother could do the same unless someone has gaurdianship over him. IMHO it sounds like you're throwing up a lot of roadblocks to not take care of your brother after you offered. If you can't then tell you brother and be done with it. And live with the consequences. I know how hard it is-I helped with my fil while dealing with kids (one of them special needs) and my own business. There were days when it was very tough but now that he's gone I am so happy I took the time to do that for him. I hope you can make it work, what goes around comes around and someday you just may find yourself on the wanting side of the stick